Worse, when I head back into the living room I remember what Damian would say after he spent the night with women.
Her breath was rank.
She smelled.
I went there, but not because I was into it.
Was he into it with me? How could he be, I spazzed and we were only making out. Would I be just another story he tells his friends at dinner? Another one of the stories he would have told me if I wasn’t the one he was with? When he wakes up will he be thinking what a mistake this was?
Yea, she freaked out and I had to spend the night comforting her. Not my thing.
What am I thinking? In what world will this work? Either I will become a burden like Daniel always says—or I’ll just be a disappointment or a talking point for Damian and that is much worse.
I get a shower and take Zeke out.
When I get back, Damian is up.
“I was wondering where you got off to,” he says making breakfast.
“Oh yea,” I say unenthused. He comes out of the kitchen and gives me a once over.
“Are you pissed because you haven’t had coffee and it’s morning, or are you pissed at me?” he asks sincerely.
“I’m not pissed at you,” I say, “just tired, I didn’t get a good night’s rest.”
“That’s not good, Fee,” he says. I know. I’m risking triggering myself by not getting back in bed, but I refuse to dream that dream again.
“Yea. So, I am going to head out for a bit. I came back to tell you,” I say grabbing my purse. I wasn’t planning on going anywhere, but I can’t be in the same room right now.
“I have breakfast for you if you want it.”
“Not really feeling the whole food thing at the moment. But, thank you,” I say. I am detached and he knows it. He just looks down. He thinks I am regretting what we did, and I hate that. But don’t I? I am not sure. I can’t stick around here speculating his thoughts and I don’t have the nerve to ask right now—I am not sure I want to know.
“Are you running, Fee?” he asks sincerely.
“I’ll see you in a bit,” I say, grabbing Zeke’s vest and heading to the only place I know to go.
I go to our spot, at least that’s what Damian calls it. I guess I call it that too, considering I am here, at the same spot in the café where Damian attempted to hit on me. I walked here slowly—no one is on campus and the café is closed—oh the joys of spring break.
I take Zeke off of his vest and throw a ball for him. I could call Natalie, but I am sure she is on a bus on the way back to campus—she could be sleeping, it’s so early. I never asked her about her schedule.
I don’t want to interrupt Mere at the beach, and I refuse to call Mel, not that she would care or understand anyway. She is at work and I have learned that unless I am quite literally on the floor—she is not to be disturbed.
So, it’s me and Zeke. After ten or so tosses, Zeke gets bored and lays at my feet. With no one else around, I lay down beside him.
“What have I gotten myself into Zeke?” I say and he licks my face.
“Thank you,” I say patting his ears.
I know this is my insecurity talking. If I called Natalie or even Meredith, both of them would tell me that the only reason I am feeling this way is because from the beginning I have felt inadequate when it comes to Damian. Although, Mere would throw out there that Damian has said things about other women. Never cruel, but not always kind either.
I sit there for a while, trying to replay our make out session, play-by-play seeing if there were moments where he could have been somewhere else, there weren’t any. I replay his face this morning and I feel like shit for not just telling him. Honestly, last night was amazing. I freaked out, yes. But he took care of me—if he was annoyed, wouldn’t he have just left me there? Why make breakfast for someone you would make fun of the next day?
I spent the entire evening trying to tell Damian that it wasn’t the fact that he was a player that was stopping me—yet, we have to have this conversation. The person I need to talk to is him.
I look at my watch—I have been gone two and a half hours, and it will be another thirty if I walk back. I call him.
“Fee, you okay?” he says without saying hello.
“I ran. Just a little, didn’t I?”
“Yes, you did,” he says softly.
“Can you pick me up on campus? I don’t want to walk.”
“Of course. Be there in five.”
I stand up and walk over to the road, Damian pulls in while I am still a few hundred feet away, so he parks his truck and walks towards me. He is walking slowly, and he looks forlorn—I immediately feel like an idiot.
He doesn’t say anything when he reaches me, and we walk towards the car.
“Take me home?” I say and he nods taking Zeke’s lead and putting him in the back for me as I get in.
Damian drives with one hand, the other one he is tapping out of nerves. I grab his hand and absentmindedly play with his fingers as Zeke sits and stares at the both of us, probably sensing tension.
He pulls into our complex and then looks over at me.
“Are you going to tell me to give up?” he asks.
“Hadn’t planned on it,” I say. Damian takes a deep breath of relief.
“Can we go inside now?” I say and he is still antsy.
“I spent the entire morning thinking you were giving up. Fee, that about killed me.”
His admission saddens me and makes me want to smile at the same time. He is in this.
“You woke up pissed after the first time we made out. And I freaked you out yesterday and…” he continues.
I take a deep breath. I am going to need to be the calm and reassuring one right now. I can do that. I think.
I reach over and touch his face and have him look at me.
“Take me inside and let’s talk about it. Okay?” I say and he finally gets out of the car. He opens the door and grabs Zeke for me. He keeps ahold of Zeke in one hand and he starts to offer his hand to me and stops. I take it anyway and he smiles at me.
When we get upstairs I lead him to his room. This isn’t fort conversation.
He looks so nervous that I kiss him first. But to be honest I don’t know if I am kissing him to reassure him or me. I need to know that he wants me, that his distance right now is only because I scared him, not my fears being realized. He kisses back and I feel them, the butterflies. The ones that I have swatted at so long I am surprised they are even still there.
He kisses back gently, and I sit on his bed and he sits across from me. We really need a couch.
“I am going to talk for a bit, would you mind just listening?” I ask him.
“Not at all,” he says softly.
“I loved last night. Yes, I freaked out—but not for the reasons that you would think. And after us talking about it and fixing it—I was fine. I felt safe and for the first time I wasn’t scared of what this is, and you need to hear that part of this story first. I need you to focus on that.”
He smiles.
“But I did freak out. I freaked out because I didn’t know what your intentions were or what you expected of me and honestly, a small part of me felt like you could have been pressuring me to do more.”
“What did you think I expected last night, Fee?” he asks genuinely.
“Reciprocation. I knew I wasn’t ready to do that for you yet, and that you might expect it. Or worse, that you were doing that on purpose in order to convince me to go further. Which I know doesn’t make sense, but…to me in that moment, it did.”
He takes in a breath and it looks like I hit him. “Fee…love isn’t tit for tat.” My heart stops at love, and I decide to ignore that word.
“I realized my mistake, and I was fine. But this morning…Damian I have heard your afterthoughts on the girls you have been with before—how am I supposed to know you aren’t thinking the same things about me?”
“Fee,” he says, and he grabs my hand. I look at him. “I
’m beyond inexperienced, Damian. I have never dated. Not really. And you…”
I stop myself and look at him for a minute. He is letting me finish, though. He looks at me expectantly.
“I don’t know what I am doing, and you do. And I already feel insecure about being with you because you are far more experienced than I am and if I am going to say yes—you need to realize that I am work. Between JME and knowing that you have rated other women’s bodies before this it is not going to be easy.”
“Are you done?” he asks after I take a huge breath. I am hoping he got at least fifty percent of that because I know I was talking a mile a minute.
I nod and he grabs my hand.
“May I speak now?” he asks, and I nod.
“I have never admitted to loving anyone, not even Joce…” he starts, and I interrupt him.
“Dame…” I don’t want to hear him say it, but I do. I totally do.
“I believe it was my turn to talk, Fee,” he says touching my face.
“Sorry.”
“My point is, I never loved anyone I was with, Fee. We are going to be different because I love you. And I want to take care of you when you need me. I want you to be able to talk to me when you feel like this. I am happier just kissing your cheek than I have been with any of the other women I have been with so please—don’t compare. You don’t compare. No one else comes close. I was a dick, and you have every right to remember that, but—none of those thoughts crossed my mind and I am not just saying that.”
“You love me?” I say softly. He nods.
“Did I hear a yes in your mile a minute speech?” he says pulling me to him.
“You might have,” I say hugging him back.
“Are we doing this, Fee?”
“Yes.”
Public Display of Affection
We stay like that. In our little bubble. The couch arrives on Friday and I regretted seeing our little fort go—we’ve slept in it every night. Damian noticed how sad I was and moved furniture and put the couch in a different area so we could keep our nest longer—which is what I have been calling it the past few nights.
We spend our days out of the house—enjoying the trees, the flowers, and regrettably the pollen—of Spring. Damian’s eyes have been watering, but he loves seeing Zeke and I play in the park—so he goes with us. Nights are spent cuddling in the nest. Damian never tries anything more than making out, I think he still fears what I’ll do if he takes it as far as he did the other day and I don’t blame him.
But—tonight is our last night in our little fort. Sunday is here and spring break is at an end. I have been secretly dreading it. What is going to happen when we make this public? What is going to happen when Damian is around his friends and around all the other possibilities? I hate that I am doubting him—but before this break we were so isolated from one another—I feel nervous. It’s like tomorrow is the first day of school when it actually is a race to the end, for Damian especially. All of his friends are getting job offers and he is wrestling with insecurity about what graduation brings.
I am sitting in our kitchen, drinking tea, and moping. Damian went out to get us some food, he’s noticing my change in behavior and I don’t want him to think I am running again, so I am trying to think of ways to explain this to him.
How do I explain that I want to scream our relationship from the rooftops while also wanting to keep it to ourselves?
He walks in the door and Zeke perks up from his dog bed and runs to him.
“Hey boy,” he says giving him a pat.
“Hey Zeke’s mom,” Damian says patting me on the head too.
“I knew it. You love me for my dog.”
“Yep,” he says kissing my cheek. I look at him curiously—he has two different types of bags with him.
“You went to two places?”
“That I did,” he says.
“For my lady—your favorite: nugs.”
I laugh at the McDonalds that he put on a plate.
“And!” he says enthusiastically, “Chocolate cake.”
“Is this the chocolate cake? From the fancy place?”
“That, my dear, it is,” he says grinning, “in all its orgasmic glory.”
I kiss him on the cheek and dig in.
He pulls out his food and laughs as I start with my cake. I don’t want to waste valuable stomach space on actual food.
“Always the foodie,” he says shaking his head. He pulls out his piece of cake but leaves it in the container and starts with his sandwich.
“You get me things when you want something,” I say as I slice another forkful of cake.
“I just wanted this reaction,” he says sweetly.
“I’m sorry, I have been off today,” I say looking down. “It’s just—we have to tear down the nest and go back to the real-world tomorrow.”
“And?” he says eating his fries.
“Dame, how hurt will you be if I don’t want to tell people?” I say, pausing on the cake, but it takes effort.
I see the hurt in his face and my question is answered—very. He will be disappointed.
“Why would you?”
“People already hate me for being your friend—we only have three weeks left. I thought—maybe—that we could leave it.”
“Are you embarrassed to be with me, Felicity?” he says pausing on his food as well.
“No. Of course not! It is just—you are graduating, I’m not. The girls you have been with already think I am your charity case.”
“I don’t care what they think. Do you?” he asks. No, not really.
“No—but,” I don’t know how to finish this sentence.
“Why don’t you tell me the real reason why you want to do this?” he says, he is slightly angry, but I can tell he really wants to know because he is concerned.
I look down and just keep eating my cake. My wonderful cake. He waits for me to answer.
“PDA makes it real. You telling your friends, makes it real. All those girls knowing—makes it real. And I want it to be real, more than anything. But—once it becomes real, once we become an official couple, it’s possible to become unofficial and the thought of that…” I ramble and the asshole laughs. I am trying to be all vulnerable and shit and he laughs.
“That’s a lot of reals,” he says pulling my chair closer. It reminds me of our first kiss, and I smile, beside myself.
“Tell me, Fee—is this real?” he says placing that evil hand on my thigh.
“Yep, mhm,” I say, and he grins.
“And this? Is this real?” he says kissing me—softly at first, but then just as possessively as our first. This time I am expecting the chair switch and I tighten my legs around him. He pulls away and I am in a fog.
“Well?” he says.
“Nope, definitely unreal,” I whisper.
“Hmm,” he says. “Let’s try that again.”
He starts right where we left off—but this time he deepens the kiss and his hands go higher on my back. He pulls away and goes to my neck.
“Are you trying to kiss me to death?” I say breathless.
“Yes,” he says coming back to my lips—he uses his teeth, biting down gently on my lower lip and I yip and pull away, slightly shocked. It wasn’t enough to make a mark, but definitely enough to pinch.
“Hey!” I say on his lap.
“Well—is it real now?” he says, and I laugh.
“Yes.”
“We have been real, Felicity. We are real. Taking down that fort, going to class tomorrow, telling people we are dating—won’t make us any less real. We already have started this, and I know you’re scared, but hiding our relationship won’t make it any less official.”
“Such a sexpert,” I whisper hugging him.
As I start to go back to my chair, he stops me.
“If you want this to be between us—I’ll respect that. It is completely up to you.”
I smile at him.
“But that means I won’t be able to g
ive you any kisses or hugs or hold your hand or any of that,” he says eating a fry and looking at me all coyly.
“That would be a problem,” I say reaching for my cake and just eating it on his lap.
“So, what will it be?” he says.
“You can kiss me whenever you want, kitten,” I say, and he laughs.
“Alright, eat your actual food, Baby Girl.”
“You need to eat your cake,” I say going to my seat.
“Oh that?” he says pointing to the container.
“Yes, that,” I say chuckling.
“Oh, that’s for you tomorrow,” he says with a smirk.
“Oh, you’re good,” I say with a smile.
“I have my moments,” he says finishing his food.
When I wake up, I am in Damian’s bed without Damian—I go into our living room and our fort was gone and so was he. He left a note.
BG, Have my 9am this morning. Thought I would take it down so you wouldn’t get all sad. Have a good day. See you at lunch. Yours, K.
I told him last night that I didn’t have it in me to do it, but I knew it couldn’t stay there forever. It was sweet of him to get up early and clean our mess up.
This is it. This is life without the bubble.
I sigh and get ready for my eleven am.
After a boring lecture—I head to the dining hall and I am nervous. I almost feel dread as I walk there.
“So, any updates?” Natalie says coming up behind me. I jump.
“Fee, you look green,” she says, and I just look ahead—Damian is there with Alex.
Natalie nudges me.
“Fee?” she asks. But I am looking over at Damian—watching him talk to Alex with his animated hand gestures.
“Paging Felicity?” she says, and Meredith joins her.
“What’s with her?” she says, and I still feel like a ball of nerves. This is the moment of truth. Will he back down? Do I want him to?
Yes!...no…no…you don’t.
Damian sees me and walks towards me and I feel butterflies? Nausea? Doom? I am not sure.
He immediately senses my fear and just takes my hand.
“You good?” he asks. Admittedly, I feel better when his hand fills mine, I am overreacting and I know it, but he doesn’t seem to mind.
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