“You just got up?” he asks, concerned.
“Sleepovers aren’t normally my thing,” I say. I didn’t sleep much, self-conscious about Lydia waking up and seeing me have a spell and me scaring her off.
“Maybe we should go lie down,” Damian says.
“Nonsense. We are all finally in the same room for once. Why don’t we all eat the breakfast Donna and I worked so hard on this morning?” Kelly says with a grin.
“Sure,” I say looking at Damian. Everyone heads to the dining room, but Damian takes my hand and stops me from following.
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Zeke isn’t alerting me. It was a myoclonic. Probably from staying up too late. If I get another, I’ll definitely go lay down. Okay?”
“Okay…” he says, but he isn’t certain. I’m not too sure either, but I want this normalcy. I want to be able to eat breakfast with everyone and talk and laugh.
But I don’t always get what I want. Do I ever?
The moment we walk in Zeke starts freaking out, pawing at me. Damian immediately looks at me.
“What is that dog’s problem?” Kelly asks, but no one answers. Matt, Donna, and Gran are all struck silent while Damian carefully leads me—and thus Zeke, out of the room.
I head to my bedroom.
“Fee—stairs!” Damian scolds, but I am halfway up them before he can stop me. He follows as I try to prepare myself.
This would happen now.
Falling For You
Damian
I watch as she gets into position—she’s crying. I walk over to her; she is laying on the rug in her room.
“Fee, sweetheart please don’t cry. I’ll be right here,” I say, and she shakes her head.
“I didn’t want to do this here,” she says.
“I don’t really want this to happen to you anywhere,” I say, and she doesn’t laugh. Zeke starts getting more frantic—pacing and pawing at both Felicity and me.
“I’ve got her Zeke,” I say. But Zeke has already grabbed his timer and is sitting by her on the floor.
“It’s coming,” she says, and I watch as her body tenses up. I thought it would be easier—seeing this a third time—but it isn’t. Dread fills my stomach as I watch her body convulse on the floor.
I hear a sharp intake of breath and look over to see my mom, Matt, Gran, and Kelly staring in. I ignore them and focus on talking to Fee.
“Sweetheart, you are okay. You are with me at my house. You are safe,” I say to her.
Gran immediately walks in and tries to help.
“Gran, I’ve got this,” I say not looking up at her.
“Only a few more minutes, Fee,” I say as her body jerks. I tear up and my mom has come in and is trying to get me to leave.
“Honey, let Gran take care of it.”
“Mom, don’t,” I say pulling away.
“I am here, Fee,” I say calmly.
My mom is standing by me, Gran is on the other side of Zeke, and Matt and Kelly are still at the door.
“She would kill me if you all saw this—go. Please,” I say looking at Matt and Kelly. Gran, smarter than all of us, goes to the door and shuts it on them.
“Don’t try to hold her, Damian,” she warns.
“I know what to do, Gran. Really, I do,” I say sincerely, going back to looking at Fee. It’s slowing down.
Both Gran and Mom step back and let me take care of her.
Zeke moves the instant she stops and turns off his timer. I look at it.
Only two minutes and thirteen seconds. But it was the longest two minutes of my life.
I put Fee back in the resting position and take her hand.
“You better be all done for the day, Baby Girl, because we aren’t doing that to me again—right?” I say laughing and moving her hair out of her face. I pull her onto my lap.
“Damian…” Gran starts but I ignore her.
“You’re okay, Fee. Wake up for me, sweetheart,” I say looking down. It looks like she is sleeping.
“Should I call an ambulance?” Mom asks.
“No,” I say. “It was only two minutes.”
“That felt much longer than two minutes,” she says. My mom is crying.
“Momma, we don’t know if she can hear or not—don’t—don’t let—she will already be embarrassed,” I say. She nods, but she keeps sitting with us on the floor.
Felicity opens her eyes and blinks.
“You’re with me,” I say, and she relaxes.
“That was a little, baby one,” I say reassuringly. It didn’t feel that way—but what she doesn’t know won’t kill her. I run my hand through her hair again.
She tries to talk but it doesn’t come out right.
“Give it a bit, Fee. We’ve got time,” I say rubbing her arm. She closes her eyes again and I look to see if she hurt or soiled herself.
“Mom, why don’t you go and get a washcloth, her mouth is bleeding,” I say looking at the corner of her mouth. I check and it’s her cheek.
I lift her up and put her on the bed, still in my lap as I sit against the headboard.
“You might confuse her,” Gran says calmly.
“She calms down when she hears my voice,” I say softly.
“How many times has this happened, child?” she asks.
“This is number three for me,” I say.
“You’re a good man,” Gran says putting a hand on my shoulder.
“Dame,” Fee whispers.
“I’m here,” I say, noticing her eyes are still closed. She relaxes again.
“Where are you?”
“With you,” she whispers.
“Nice try, Fee. What’s your phone number?”
“Don’t know quite yet,” she says.
“Then you shouldn’t be waking up, quite yet,” I say chuckling.
“Don’t tell me what to do,” she says.
“There she is,” I say, kissing the top of her head.
Mom hands me the washcloth she has had in her hand as she stares at me and Felicity.
“Mom?” I say softly.
Felicity groans.
“Dame,” she whispers.
“Yes, sweetheart?” I say.
“Tell me I didn’t wet myself in front of your mother,” she mutters—barely decipherable.
“No, Baby Girl. You’re in the clear,” I say wiping her mouth.
Mom looks at me, “it’s different when it is one of your own. I’ve been trained and I never felt so helpless.”
“I’ve got this, Mom. Go downstairs. Tell Matt and Kelly she is okay.”
“He seems to have everything taken care of,” Gran says looking over at Felicity—back asleep in my lap.
“She doesn’t fully come to for about thirty minutes.”
“We will check on you,” Gran says, leading Mom out and leaving the door open.
I hear Matt, “Is she okay?”
“She will be,” Gran says.
Falling For You
Felicity
I wake up to him playing with my hair.
“How bad?” I say.
“Not bad at all,” he says.
“Liar,” I say.
“No, really Fee—it was shorter than the last two.”
“You cried,” I say hesitantly taking a hand up to his red eyes—I am definitely weak.
“You were hurting. So yes, I did.”
“I’m sorry,” I say.
“No apologizing.”
“Did I…”
“No—but you bit your cheek,” he says as he takes a hand and moves my lip to see my cheek.
“Doesn’t look too bad,” he says softly.
“Day of the week?” he asks.
“Friday,” I say.
“Where are you?”
“Your house.”
“Favorite boyfriend?”
“Mattie,” I say, and I smile when I do it. He gives me a look and then kisses me.
“You’re awake.”
“
I am.”
“Thirsty?” he asks.
I nod.
“I’ll go grab you some water, stay put okay?” he says, and I nod.
I hear him go down the stairs and then I hear voices in the hallway.
“You should have seen him—he was so good with her,” Donna says. “But he was so scared. My heart ached for both of them.”
“It’s a shame,” Kelly says.
“What?” Donna says.
“I mean do you really want that for him, Donna? Do you want him to have to be husband and nurse the rest of his life? I mean I have seen the way he looks at her…and like you said, if he was scared…”
“He was scared because he loves her and wanted her to be okay,” Donna says shocked.
“It’s a lot for a twenty-two-year-old who is just entering the real world—that’s all I am saying,” Kelly says and that’s when the tears start.
“The door, Aunt Kelly. The door. She is freaking right there,” Matt says, and he rushes to shut it, but he sees me.
“Fee—”
“Don’t,” I say, and I am bawling. Damian comes up the stairs and hears me.
“What the hell did you do?” he accuses Matt.
“Nothing…he didn’t do anything,” I manage to get out. Damian just shuts the door and hands me my water.
“Hush, sweetheart. You’re okay,” he says, and he holds me until I fall back asleep.
I hear them before I open my eyes.
“She should learn to keep her opinions to herself,” Damian says.
“I’ll talk to Felicity, Damian. It will be okay.”
“You don’t understand, Mom. She already thinks she’s this big burden. She doesn’t need that. Not when I want to be there for her.”
“Damian, Felicity isn’t like you.”
“What?”
“Felicity isn’t idealistic, honey. She knows that what you are doing is difficult. Don’t insult her by telling her it isn’t true. Don’t pretend this is going to be easy for you. It’s not.”
“God, not you too,” he says, and I hear the door shut.
I wait a few minutes and turn over.
“Hey,” he says. “Netflix?” he asks, handing me my water and a couple pain meds.
I just nod.
He falls asleep and I look at the clock—it’s nearly four and I haven’t eaten or drank more than a glass of water. I look down at him and I am angry. I am angry that what Kelly said is true. I am even angrier when I realize Donna was right as well. Damian doesn’t deserve this.
I, rather shakily, turn away from Netflix and get up, slowly. I use the restroom and check the damage—my cheek is superficial, and I am moving slowly. I look like the dead and I want to hit something. I head downstairs to the kitchen to get myself some water. Damian wakes and moves to help me—but I ignore him. I am practically limping, gripping the railing and I feel him watching me, but I don’t say anything. I push through the stiffness from the seizure and go to get a glass out of the cabinet. I pour some water, despite the fact that the pitcher is far too heavy for my achy muscles. I stand at the sink, slightly breathless and overwhelmingly scared. I lean against the sink and close my eyes. Luckily everyone has vanished.
Daniel used to always tell Mel that I would never find anyone who would want to be with me, not if I keep having seizures all the time. Mel would take me to every doctor back then—desperately trying to get me the help I needed. I was always a drain on Daniel, from day one, but it took Mel awhile to get there, years to adapt to Daniel’s way of handling me. She never doted on me like Damian is doing, but she didn’t start openly blaming me until we spent years trying to get them under control.
How long until I become an inconvenience to Damian as well?
I was doing so good. I had them under control when the stress of being with Daniel and Mel was finally gone. Now—it might take me forever to get them under control again. Going from not having one for over a year to three within a school year is not a good sign. The alcohol caused the last seizure—but how many will I have if I keep pretending that being with Damian isn’t hurting him? I don’t need the stress of being with Damian. I don’t need someone else to view me as someone they need to take care of. I know I am shaking.
“Fee?” he says as I look down. He comes up behind me and hugs me to him.
“Stop,” I say coldly. “Just stop, Damian.”
He sighs and let’s go.
“Okay,” he says, and he goes to the opposite side of the bar and sits across from me.
“You want to talk about it?” he says softly.
“No. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want hugged or kissed or coddled. I don’t want you, Damian. So, stop it,” I say, and I am crying harder.
I know that my words hurt him, but he isn’t letting it show, instead he nods calmly.
“Okay, whatever you need, Baby Girl.”
“I can handle myself,” I say.
“I am sure you can.”
“Don’t be an ass,” I say assuming that he is being sarcastic. He gets up and walks over to me.
“I mean it. I am sure you can take care of yourself, Felicity. I am just trying to show you that you don’t have to. You shouldn’t have to push through the pain and get yourself a glass of water when I am more than willing to help you. You can rely on me a bit—I am not your sister. I am not Daniel. I’m not going to yell at you.”
“I don’t want your fucking help! I never asked for it. Just stop…please,” I sob, and he pulls me toward him.
“No,” he says hugging me. I fight him at first, but it hurts too much and—I want his hug. I sob into his shoulder.
“It’s the seizure talking, Felicity.”
“No, it’s not. I ruined them, I’ll ruin you too,” I say—thinking of Daniel.
He scoops me up and sits me on the living room couch.
“Explain that please,” he says, and I just sob it all out.
“They tried, they tried for years but they couldn’t—they couldn’t have a baby. And you can’t afford IVF when you already have one kid with thousands in medical bills.”
“Fee,” he says holding me.
“They blame me,” I sob. “They blame me.”
“Your fucking mother could have that freak at forty-two, but we can’t have anything? Are you kidding me?”
“Shhh…Fee even if they do blame you—it isn’t your fault.”
“I can’t do that to you. I just can’t,” I say, and I just start walking. Pushing past the pain as much as I can until I am outside and by their fence.
He stops following me when he realizes chasing me makes me run faster and hurt myself more. I stand there and huff, leaning over the wooden fence while Zeke sits calmly at my feet.
I look to see Donna behind me—I expected Damian.
“Is this the talk you promised him?” I say—realizing how rude I sound but not exactly caring.
“I figured you heard, not many people who are asleep cringe when they hear something that hurts them,” she says leaning beside me.
“I just didn’t think you agreed with her.”
“I don’t, Felicity. You and Damian are misunderstanding me—I am telling him not to insult you by pretending this is easy. It’s not.”
“Yea,” I say shaking my head.
She leans over and hugs me to her.
“Did I ever tell you that I had a brother?”
“Had?”
“Had. He had Down syndrome and a congenital heart defect. It’s how I met Damian’s father—I took my brother to his appointments with my father-in-law.”
“Damian’s grandpa was a cardiologist too?”
“It was a family practice for a while,” she says smiling.
“Anyway—my brother’s favorite thing was horses. He was such a smiley kid—but horses made his smile wider than anything. I told Craig that what I wanted more in this world is to open a place for equine therapy—the need to do it only grew stronger when my brother died.”
“Donna—I…” I didn’t mean to make her sad.
“Craig was still in school—finishing the last year of his specialization. I was pregnant with Matthew. I was working as a social worker and we were living with his parents. I told him what I wanted, and he told me to go for it. I laughed and said that I would have to quit my job, go back to school to get another graduate degree, that we would need someone to help with the baby, not to mention the cost.”
“Do you know what he said?” she asks. I shake my head no.
“Donna—that’s not a long to do list. We can manage that. My mom will help. We already have a ranch. If this is what you want—I’ll talk to my father. We can do this. And I’ll be damned if he didn’t push me, every step of the way.”
“Wow,” I say.
“I always said that Craig was a cardiologist because his heart was so big it just attracted others. Damian and he are a lot alike. He was an idea man. A romantic and an idealist.”
“Seems odd for a doctor,” I say.
“He wasn’t your typical doctor. Felicity, you and I like to see the pragmatics. We see the work that something takes, the problems, and the cost. But people like Craig and Damian? They only see what makes us happy. Craig’s priority was always our happiness.”
“Then shouldn’t my priority be his?” I say softly.
“Felicity…” she says pulling me towards her. “You make Damian happy.”
“Now,” I say.
“My point is—Donnas need Craigs and Felicities need Damians. Sometimes we need someone to push us into making the decisions that help us grow as people. Relationships involve two people choosing to help each other grow.”
“How can I help him grow? She’s right. He doesn’t need this,” I say shaking my head.
“We heard you in the kitchen. We were all in the den,” she says, and I feel embarrassed and I start to cry harder.
“No—listen. I want you to take a few minutes and think Felicity. You of all people know how hard it is to handle epilepsy. Would you—knowing all the problems—do the same for Damian?”
“Yes. I would.”
“Then what gives you the right to take that choice from him?”
“What gives me the right to ask?” I say.
“Fee—some people can handle chronic illness. Some people can’t. It is not your fault when others can’t. And it’s definitely not your fault that you have an illness. I am sorry that anyone has made you feel any different.”
Just As Much Page 24