Just As Much

by Noelle R. Henry

  “Dame…”

  “If you can’t communicate it, we shouldn’t be doing it,” he says softly.

  I hesitate, afraid I am reading him wrong.

  “I’ll give you a hint, I want to kiss more than just your chest,” he whispers.

  “Do you like doing that?”

  “Yes, Fee,” he chuckles.

  “Then you can kiss me anywhere, Dame.”

  “Close enough,” he says as he starts kissing me again. Instantly I am back to breathing heavily. He starts again at my lips, then my neck. His hand starts roaming, rubbing me through my underwear and I feel like I am already about to combust. I whimper at his touch.

  He keeps touching me but stops kissing me to look at me. I feel my face get red. “Don’t be embarrassed, Fee. Do you know how hot it is to see your girlfriend get so turned on by you?”

  “Can’t say I do,” I grin as his hands get faster. I moan and he slows down. He goes back to kissing my chest, then works his way down to the edge of my underwear.

  He is kneeling at the end of the bed. That is why I am on the edge. He planned this. He rubs his hands down my legs and back up to where he is touching the band of my underwear.

  “May I?” he asks. I nod.

  He takes them off and I don’t feel embarrassed anymore. I look and see him smiling at me and I feel his finger slip inside of me. I moan. I am already so wet from him rubbing me, that I don’t think this is going to take long.

  He reaches down and starts sucking me, using his tongue to make circles around me.

  “Body lesson number two,” he says, and I feel his breath against me as his finger keeps the same, aching pace.

  “You taste amazing,” he says going back to kissing me.

  I feel myself building and building. Sometimes he slows down right as I am about to explode, keeping me on the edge of relief.

  “Dame…please,” I say panting and that is all it took. He speeds up and I combust around his fingers.

  Before I can come down, I see him looking at me almost tortured.

  “Dame, I am ready for more than just oral sex,” I say, and I watch as he slips off his pants. I stare in awe of him and he chuckles at me.

  “Are you sure?” he says.

  “Yes,” I say. “Bottom drawer of my dresser,” I say knowing he didn’t bring a condom in.

  “You have condoms?”

  “Kind of don’t want to be pregnant, so yes,” I say, and he laughs. He grabs one and comes back to me. He puts it on, and I chuckle to myself. This is what they don’t show in the movies. The awkward in-betweens. The moments between sex where neither one of you quite know what to do.

  “I kind of don’t want to hear you laughing right now,” he says, and I look at him.

  “I am laughing because I’m nervous. Sue me.”

  “Come here,” he says as he starts kissing me again.

  He moves me up further on the bed, and I kiss him. He lets me take the lead for a few moments and then shifts himself so he his right above me.

  “You’re sure?”

  “Damian, have sex with me, please. And don’t make me beg again,” I say, and he chuckles at me.

  He enters me slowly, making sure that he isn’t going to hurt me.

  I build up again from his touch, but I know he is going to come before me. I watch as he starts to moan himself, saying my name.

  “Jesus, Fee,” he keeps whispering. We both awkwardly find a rhythm and he finds his release as well. I lay there smiling. Glad that we both got to come once, but also really needing to again.

  He catches his breath and looks at me, still inside me. He pulls out and takes the condom to my bathroom.

  When he leaves the main room, I feel naked for the first time. Naked and still needy. I pull a blanket over me and he comes walking back in.

  “Now what is this?” he says touching the blanket.

  “Fee, you are still…how did you put it…needy, right?” he says looking at me. I feel my cheeks flush and nod.

  “Then move that blanket, I am not done with you quite yet,” he says smiling.

  We didn’t eat dinner. Soon after I fell asleep in his arms and we both went to bed entirely too early.

  I woke up at 4am, feeling like it should be morning in the middle of the night—my stomach growling.

  I look over at Damian and he is fast asleep. His arm is laying on my waist and I move slowly, trying not to wake him.

  “Morning,” he says, epic fail on my part.

  “It’s only four,” I say.

  “Well when you go to sleep at eight what do you expect?” he says, and I chuckle.

  “I am hungry.”

  “I did offer dinner at one point,” he says.

  “Well, I think I want breakfast.”

  “So….needy,” he says putting emphasis on the term. I scowl at him, but he is getting up.

  “I’ll make some breakfast, stay in here and relax,” he says kissing my forehead.

  He comes back twenty minutes later with bacon and eggs. I took the time it took for him to make it to get a quick shower and clean myself up. I expected to feel—different or remorseful even. I knew I was ready, but I always freak out over new things.

  I smile at myself.

  “Hmm…what’s that for?” he says.

  “I am patting myself on the back,” I say eating my bacon.

  “For?” he chuckles.

  “Not wanting to run away. Far. Far. Away,” I say still chuckling, but he looks at me seriously.

  “You thought you would run?”

  “New things scare me, Damian. But you don’t and that makes me happy. I am happy,” I say, and he lightens up.

  “Happy to oblige then,” he says taking a big bite of his bacon.

  When we are done eating, we just lay back down and he holds me, letting me be little spoon.

  “Dame?”

  “Hmm?”

  “Cervical Cancer.”

  “What?” he asks confused.

  “My mom. She had cervical cancer. She was sick for a while. She had me in her forties, so my parents were older when they had me. Six months later my father had a heart attack. Mel says he had heart problems, but I like to believe that even though my father was so…grumpy…that he just missed her too much.”

  “Thank you,” he says kissing the back of my head. “Thank you for trusting me with that. I am so sorry you had to go through that much loss.”

  “I was nine, I remember it, but not as well anymore.”

  “I thought you didn’t move into your sister’s until you were twelve?”

  “I lived with Nan for a few years, she kept me as long as she could,” I say.

  “Oh, I see,” he says.

  “I miss them,” I whisper, mostly to myself.

  “I know, sweetheart. I know,” he says hugging me tighter.

  We both fall back asleep.

  Finances

  My father was pretty smart financially. We were never rich, by any means, but my father knew how to make sure that Melody and I both were set up for college. He was a retired cop, but after I came around, he started teaching criminal justice classes at a local college.

  My mother, forever the flower child, was a florist. She had her own shop downtown and I always remember it being busy. She used to bring me in and teach me all the flower names. But—that changed when she got sick.

  Melody was in college by the time I came around. When mom got sick, she was already engaged to Daniel and my parents had already set up an account to help pay for her wedding. She was an adult—I however was still a child, a child who most likely wasn’t going to have a mother. So, when my mother decided to sell her shop—the money was put in a restricted account for me, with my father being the trustee.

  My father didn’t think it was fair, but my mother told him that I still needed college and that this money would set me up so that the two of us wouldn’t have to work so hard. She said that I still needed to be raised, that Melody was doing
beautifully on her own, so it makes since that I would get more if anything happened to him. I don’t think he liked it, but he knew that the rest of their money would go to medical bills. So, when my parents both died, Mel got the inheritance, I got my restricted account for minors, and Nan became the trustee.

  Then, Daniel and Mel became the trustee when I moved in with them.

  I won’t pretend that I understand the account, because I don’t. The only thing Nan told me was that it was set up so that the money can only be used to help me, and I will get full access to it at twenty-one.

  However, right now, I don’t have access to any of it. So, I got jobs to pay rent to Damian, buy food, books, whatever I need. The money normally runs out fast.

  I work hard. I always have, which is why it has always bugged me when people think of me as a charity case—I am not. I am privileged, I know, but work hard too. I have to. Because of the fund it always looks like I have more money than I actually have access to. This means I don’t get as many loans and the college expects me to pay more, which is why I lost my grant.

  That is, until today. My twenty-first birthday.

  I never make a big deal out of my birthday. Mel never did and I got used to it. So, I don’t think Damian and I have ever really had the birthday conversation. I know I don’t remember telling him.

  Yet here he is, waking me up with a piece of orgasm cake with a candle in it.

  “Happy Birthday, Fee!” he says. I roll my eyes at him and blow out the candle.

  “I didn’t think you knew,” I say softly.

  “It’s in your emergency stuff in Zeke’s vest, or I wouldn’t have known,” he says, not angrily, but I can hear it in his tone that this is going to be added to the list of things that I tell him when it is too late.

  I reach over and take his cake.

  “I haven’t really celebrated my birthday in a long time. Mel gets me a card with money and sometimes remembers a cake, that’s about it,” I shrug.

  “I see, well we are changing that,” he says.

  I can tell from his face that he has made plans for today and I hate to disappoint him.

  “Honey,” I say to sweeten the blow. He looks at me, knowing that pet names other than kitten are rare with me.

  “Yes?”

  “You’re giving me the look of someone who has made plans, and I hate to shatter them but…I have a meeting a nine and then we’re supposed to go to lunch with my sister and then class tonight…” I say.

  He sighs.

  “I didn’t know about the meeting. I thought I had until lunch. Do you think you can squeeze some time in your busy schedule for your boyfriend?” he says.

  “Tonight, I am all yours,” I say kissing his cheek.

  “You can’t say that and leave,” he says as I stand up.

  “I can, but only because I need to,” I smile at him and then get ready for my meeting at the bank.

  I smile as I do it too. It’s over. My finance problems should be over. I won’t have to worry about Damian constantly backing me up on rent and utilities. It should get easier now.

  “You’re in a good mood,” Damian says as I hum while getting my coffee.

  “It’s my birthday, can’t I be in a good mood?” I say.

  “You sure can,” he says, putting Zeke’s gear on for me. I have to run so I can catch the bus downtown.

  When I get to the bank, I don’t have to wait long. Mr. Collins, the man who has been giving me my partial funds, is expecting me and I go in.

  “Big day, huh?” he says, and I smile at him.

  “Definitely!” I say smiling.

  “Alright, dear. Sign here and the remainder of the trust will be put into your savings account.”

  “Wonderful,” I say, and I look down at the paper. The paper says I only have ten thousand dollars left and I look at him confused.

  “Mr. Collins, I thought my parents originally put all the money they received from selling the floral shop here—why is it only ten thousand dollars?”

  He looks at me surprised.

  “Felicity this fund was set up for you as a child. It was meant to help with expenses for school, medical bills, living expenses. Your parents did put all they had from the floral shop—but with your health over the years, your school fees, and cost of living expenses it simply isn’t what it used to be.”

  “Wait….you mean the fund has been paying for my medical bills?”

  “Yes, of course.”

  I don’t believe what I am hearing. I look at him flabbergasted.

  “Mr. Collins, are you telling me that my sister and brother have not had to pay one cent for me, financially?”

  “They most likely paid some, but the trust definitely helped. Daniel and Mel had to request money and give reasons and proof that it would be benefitting you. Are you telling me that it didn’t?” he asks concerned.

  “And the money could have been used for rent? For cost-of-living expenses at school?”

  “Yes, Felicity. Is there a problem here?”

  I shake my head no. I am in complete shock.

  They told me they paid for me and they definitely didn’t mention that I could be using the money for my school expenses before age twenty-one. Here I am working my ass off to pay Damian for a fourth of what the rent cost of our apartment would be, and I could have been using the trust the whole time.

  I quietly sign the paper and get my money out of his hands as soon as possible.

  “Mr. Collins?”

  “Yes?”

  “Do you have records of all the claims my sister and brother-in-law filed? They never really explained how this works and I just want to see where my money went,” I say softly.

  “Umm. Yea. Let’s get started.”

  Somehow, I feel…relieved?

  I thought I was the reason they couldn’t have kids. I thought I denied them IVF. I have been blaming myself and taking their bullshit for years because I thought they were spending all this money on me.

  I pull out my phone and call Damian

  “Dame?” I say.

  “Yes?” he says.

  “Can you pick me up? I am at fourth street and Hyde.”

  “Yea, babe. I’ll be right there. Are you okay?”

  “Yes, I just would like to run a quick errand if you don’t mind picking me up before lunch.”

  “Yea, no problem.”

  When he hangs up, I call Dr. Mason’s office and they tell me that I just need Damian to be present with me. Perfect.

  As I wait for him, I become more nervous. This is a lot to ask him, a lot a lot. I probably shouldn’t do it. I…shit. I pace back and forth, not even noticing it was him who pulls up beside me. He honks and I jump.

  “Sorry,” I say putting Zeke in the back and getting in.

  “You looked pretty lost in thought there, Baby Girl,” he says touching my leg and pulling back onto the main road.

  “Where am I heading?”

  I hesitate. Do I really want to do this? I was on a high getting out of the bank, feeling so much less guilty about Mel and Daniel. But can I really ask Damian to take care of me like this?

  “Earth to Felicity,” Damian chuckles.

  “The hospital, Damian. The one on North and Putnam.”

  “Are you okay?” he asks.

  “Yes, I am fine. Everyone else is fine. I just need to stop and get something from my neurologist.”

  “Oh, okay,” he says as he starts heading that direction.

  I sit there trying to breathe. I hate asking for help. This isn’t a good idea.

  Nope. Not at all, Felicity, but you’re already there.

  While the hospital would have been a long walk, it was only a few minutes’ drive from downtown.

  Damian pulls into a spot in the garage and I hesitate to get out.

  “Or I could just do this later, it doesn’t matter,” I say entirely too late.

  “Fee, we are here. We have an hour before meeting your sister. Might as well go in, if
not just to get the parking validated,” he says, and I feel like I am going to hyperventilate. Is there something else I can ask them for?

  “What’s wrong, you are acting funny,” Damian says looking at me weird.

  If I am going to tell Mel and Daniel where the hell they can go, I need someone to be there. Damian wants to be there. He promised.

  “Did you get me a birthday present?” I ask.

  “Where did that come from? What are you afraid of getting gifts?” he chuckles.

  “Damian, did you?”

  “Yes. Of course, I got you a present,” he says looking at me like I am from another planet.

  “Dammit,” I sigh.

  “Fee…what is wrong with you?” he says touching my leg. I am shifting in my seat. I don’t look him at the eye, which I know drives him insane, but I don’t care.

  “Dame…I want to ask for a very specific present.”

  “What do you want?”

  “I want you to come inside and become my emergency contact. My medical power of attorney. It’s a lot to ask. I know and it’s stupid but…”

  “I’ll do it,” he says without hesitating.

  “Damian this is a massive thing. This is a lot to ask a twenty-two-year-old. Are you sure? I shouldn’t even ask, of course you feel obligated to say yes. Let’s just go in and get our parking validated,” I say starting to get out of the car.

  “Fee,” he says stopping me with a hand on my arm. “I love you. I would prefer to be the one they call if you need anything.”

  “It wouldn’t be just that, Damian. You realize that, right? If I seize myself into a coma you would be the one to…” I don’t finish and he looks as if the thought didn’t cross his mind. Almost as if I slapped him.

  “Do you want me to be the one to make that decision?” he asks.

  “No, you would leave me as a vegetable hoping I would be the one in a million chance of coming back. But you are the only boyfriend I’ve got so, yes, I do,” I say trying to make light of the situation.

  “Fee…”

  “Damian this is a massive thing. I shouldn’t ask, but I found out some things today and I can’t…I can’t be attached to Mel and Daniel. I don’t want them to be there for me anymore, not that they were much help in the first place. This can be temporary. I can find someone else. Your mom, maybe? I just…If I am being honest, I think you will do what’s best for me if I can’t make the decision. I know that.”