Friday, I take the Amtrak and Mattie meets me at the terminal. Zeke and I both run to him and he grins.
“You’re a sight for sore eyes,” he says looking at me. He takes my overnight bags and throws them in the back and Zeke and I get in.
“You saw me Tuesday,” I say laughing.
“Ahh, but not quite looking like this, damn girl,” he says, and I laugh. I put effort into my hair and make-up, and the blue dress I picked out does fit me in all the right places.
“How is he?” I ask as he drives me.
“About as bad as you are,” he says, and I just don’t get it. Why is he putting us through this?
“I will never understand this,” I say looking out the window and Matt rubs my arm.
“Matt, you should know that I plan on confronting him today. If he says no, I am cutting him off,” I say looking down.
“As you should,” Matt says. He doesn’t understand Damian and I right now either.
“By the way, I did a thing,” I say grimacing and looking at him.
“What?”
“I had my appointment Thursday. They upped my meds for the stress,” I say, and he looks concerned.
“Oh,” he says.
“Matt, I revoked Damian’s medical power of attorney. They let me put Mel back on there without having her come in because they still had the form. I can’t have Damian on there anymore. And you are on the emergency call list with your mother. I hope that is okay, I mean…”
I don’t know how this pseudo-family works without Damian, so it was a shot in the dark.
“I mean…” I ramble as Matt taps my arm.
“It’s okay,” he says looking at me.
“I just couldn’t put Natalie. She freaks out and it is a whole mess. And, Damian can’t be on there especially if…”
“Felicity,” he says slowing down the truck on the old road, “it is okay.”
I look at him and smile.
“But you have to promise me. You don’t call him. I don’t care what they say about my condition. You don’t call him.”
“Now Fee…”
“He chose. He chose this. And he will just blame himself for it anyway. No. No calling Damian wh..if you get a phone call.”
“You mean when, right? You were about to say when,” he says eying me.
“Matt, I have had three tonic clonics since August,” I admit, and he pulls the truck over.
“You didn’t tell me that. We see each other every week, Felicity.”
“Because I know who you’d blame, and it isn’t his fault. I don’t want him to make decisions about us based on my health. I don’t want someone to stay with me just because they want to prevent seizures. I am going through a rough patch. I am working on getting the meds straightened out and that is all I can do. I am seeing a therapist. I am doing everything I can,” I say.
“Therapy?” he asks concerned.
“Yes. Therapy. It is helping me, a lot actually,” I say.
“This stays between us,” I say sternly.
“If you feel the slightest aura or if that dog makes a single peep today, you will tell me,” he says, and I roll my eyes.
“I woke up hours ago. My seizures are in the mornings,” I say, and he still looks at me, but he puts the car in drive.
The party doesn’t start until five, but I got here at three thirty, so I could visit before all the relatives show up. We pull in and Donna is outside waiting for me. She pulls me into a hug and leads me and Zeke into the house with an arm around my waist.
“Oh kid, it has been too long!” she says offering me a seat in the kitchen. There is food everywhere—it looks like she has been at it all day.
“I would ask you if you need any help, but it looks like you have got this covered,” I say. There is enough food to feed an army in here.
“That’s right. I’ve been at it and I have purposefully created a lull so that I could talk to you before my finishing touches,” she says pouring me a glass of her lemonade and handing it to me.
“How’s school” she says, and I smile and tell her all about my classes, working for a social worker, and volunteering at the clinic.
“That sounds exhausting,” she says as I finish.
“You have no idea,” I say.
“But do you like it? Is it what you expected?” she says smiling.
“I like working with my kids, and I am learning a lot,” I say, and she touches my shoulder.
“Good,” she says squeezing. Donna did not let me slack in keeping her updated on my life—she still calls, even if it is just to check in and I appreciate that. However, I don’t get how I let her and Matt into my lives if Damian refuses me again. I love them, to death, but they are constant reminders of him—this may be my last time visiting and that makes me so sad.
“Well, I need to get back to work. If I raised a gentleman, your bags should already be in your room,” she says, and I get up.
“Need help?” I ask. It is nearly four thirty.
“No. No, you just make yourself at home. Gran is out with her friends thinking nothing is happening but a late lunch and chit chat. People should start arriving pretty soon,” she says and on cue the doorbell rings.
“Would you mind getting that?” she asks, and I go to the living room.
“I’ve got it!” I hear an all too familiar voice say running through the house. I just stand there and let him answer. He doesn’t notice I am standing there until after greeting two of his aunts.
His eyes bug at me and I see him swallow hard. He walks over to me and I try not to let the hole in my heart take over my chest.
“You look amazing, Fee,” he says, and I look him up and down. He looks the same, but tired. He has a five o’clock shadow, and his hair is longer.
“Thank you,” I say half smiling, but I know it doesn’t reach my features. Damian’s aunts go in the kitchen to talk to his mom and we are left there, alone. I made sure the new dress was blue, his favorite color on me. If I take the jacket off the dress is backless and cut on the sides of my waist, but he hasn’t seen that, yet.
“Your hair, you cut it,” he says. “I like it,” he says awkwardly. He knew I cut my hair. He liked the post on Instagram. He likes every post I put on Instagram. Or Facebook. Or Twitter. But he is lying. He likes my hair long.
“Liar,” I say rolling my eyes and he smirks.
“Can we go somewhere? Can we talk?” he says, and I look at the time.
“Damian your Gran is due to arrive in a barely twenty minutes. I came here to see her,” I say.
“Not dressed like that you didn’t,” he says, but softly.
“I am not dressed inappropriately,” I say.
“No, you’re beautiful.” That gives me some hope.
“I want to talk to you, but now is definitely not the time. I am staying the night, we can talk later,” I say touching his arm and starting to walk away.
“We can just go outside, sit on the fence, and we will be back before Gran gets in,” he says, and I take a deep breath and nod—fine. Here it goes.
“How is work?” I finally ask as we walk.
“I was placed at Banker and Morrison,” he says.
“I know,” I nod.
“Mom has a big mouth,” he replies.
“Actually, Matt does,” I say, but that struck a chord with him and I didn’t know why. His face looked deadly for a second.
“Of course, Matt does,” he says as we walk.
“Okay, what is it?” I say waiting for an excuse for him to be mad at his brother.
“Matt gets to see you,” he replies honestly.
“Damian, do not tell me you have been harboring a grudge about me seeing your brother? Particularly when you broke up with me.”
“Seeing is a word that has its connotations,” he replies meanly.
“Eww. Damian, just eww,” I say rolling my eyes. But it bothers me. Matt never mentioned a grudge. I would have stopped our coffee dates if they were affecting
their relationship. He was my lifeline to Damian—we only talk about him when we are together. Doesn’t he get that?
“You do not get to be mad at me or Matt when you broke us. You could see me anytime you wanted, Damian.”
“You’re acting like I am a stranger, but Matt is your best friend. I saw you come in,” he accuses as we reach the fence. He is a stranger. My Damian wanted me. My Damian loved me. My Damian disappeared the day after graduation, you are an imposter. An imposter with his smile. An imposter with his humor. An imposter tricking my heart into thinking this is normal. Talking to one another like he is trying to do isn’t normal.
“And you are acting like nothing happened,” I say as I take Zeke off of his lead and let him run around. He gets excited and Damian pets him for a moment, giving me time to process.
“One conversation and my whole life changed. You changed it. And now you are trying to backtrack like our relationship never happened. I can’t do that,” I say looking down at him.
“Fee, I miss you,” he says, and I turn around. I take my jacket off and drape it over the fence so I can pull myself up and not get splinters, but also so Damian can get the full effect. I didn’t come here to play fair. Despite the cold November air, backless it is.
“Shit, damn, hell,” he says staring at me.
“It’s your own fault you miss me,” I say.
“I know what you are doing, Fee,” he says walking towards me.
“You think I want to do this? You think I want to come here and lust you into wanting me? I shouldn’t have to, Damian. I am hoping, you just ran. That you will change your mind,” I say as he gets closer. I don’t look him in the eye though, instead I look down at the grass. He waits for me to make eye contact. He always does. It pisses me off to be honest.
“I can’t do it, Fee,” He says and my heart breaks. Mattie told me he hadn’t been with anyone, not seriously. I don’t want to know what that means. I didn’t want to imagine that he went back to whoring around after leaving me, because that would mean he told me the truth.
“Why?” I whisper. “One day you loved me and now you are repulsed, it makes no sense.”
He completes the gap between us, positioning himself directly in front of me. He grabs my chin and looks me in the eye.
“I am not, nor will I ever be, repulsed by you,” he says, and I just shake my head.
“When are you going to stop hurting us both?” I ask.
“Fuck it,” he says, and his lips are on mine. He pulls me off the fence and my legs are wrapped around him as he turns so he is leaning on the fence and I am straddling him with my knees pressed against my jean jacket. His tongue finds mine and I am trying to hold on to this moment as if my life depends on it. I open the kiss. I grip his hair and take every possible taste he would let me have. Love me. I am begging you to love me.
We don’t go in the front. The party has started, but Damian is taking me straight to his bedroom through the back. We are kissing up the stairs and I am praying we don’t get caught. There are at least fifty people in this house.
“Damian,” I say as he sits me down by his door.
“I don’t think we should…” I say. I don’t want sex, I want to work this out.
“Stop thinking,” he says, and I listen and I do.
Zeke follows us, but I shut the door on him. I probably shouldn’t, but I don’t care at this point. I want this. I want him. I want us.
Unlocked
I am breathless on Damian’s bed, feeling so confident. Finally. He wants me, now we can figure this out.
As I come down, I look around his room—it is spotless, so not Damian. I start to think about what just happened and I realize—the condom was in his pocket. He planned this. He planned to have sex with me today.
Oh my God. This isn’t make up sex. That’s when all of it hits, he was telling the truth—he doesn’t want me anymore.
I couldn’t look at him, not after what we just did. I just crushed every moral I have ever held about relationships—and for what? An expected quicky? He thinks that low of me?
“Fee…” he starts, breathless. I shake my head. I was wrong, this was not helpful at all. Coming here was a bad idea.
“We shouldn’t have done that,” I say as the crowd downstairs starts singing Happy Birthday. “We better get down there.”
“No, talk to me,” he says grabbing my arm as I sit on the side of the bed. I grab my dress and start slipping it over my head.
“About what, Damian? It happened, just leave it be.” This meant something different to him. This was his goodbye to my body, nothing more—and I’m not going to break down about it. Not here. Not with his family.
“Felicity, we have to talk about what just happened,” he says sitting up with me on the bed and putting his hand on my shoulder. I shrug it off, refusing to let the spark affect me again. He’s not allowed to affect me anymore. I take a deep breath. He just turned me into one of his warm bodies.
“I have the speech memorized, you don’t have to give it to me,” I say getting up.
“This is different, you know Goddamn well that this is different,” he says curtly as he reaches for his jeans so he could follow me. He’s wrong. This isn’t different. He has successfully made me feel like a slut. Him. No, no. I am not going down this road.
“Is it? Because it really doesn’t feel like it. Has your mind changed?” I turn around and look him in the eye. His eyes immediately leave mine and look at the floor. He puts a hand behind his head and sighs. The sigh. I don’t need an answer; his body has already told me everything that I need to hear. That’s the stance he gives when the girl asks for his number. I heard that sigh break hearts, I never thought it would be mine.
The world slips underneath my feet—I am not enough for him. I am really not enough for him. He broke it off to avoid the burden of being with me.
I feel the tears start to burn behind my eyes. I shake my head back at him.
“You promised,” I whisper.
“I promised what?” he asks me as he sits on the chest at the end of the bed.
“Never to turn me into one of them,” I say as I wipe my eyes and head to the bathroom to clean him off of me.
“Fee, come on,” he says walking behind me as I close the door.
“Everything okay in here?” I hear Donna say through the bathroom door.
“Yea,” he says.
“Maybe you should go grab some of Grandma’s cake?” his mother tells him—I am sobbing in the bathroom at this point. Could she hear me? Could he? Did I care? I want him out of me. Now.
“Felicity?” Donna knocks on the door. “Somebody is missing you.”
“Yea?” I say trying to cover up my sobs—but it comes out fairly pathetic. I check myself in the mirror and do my best to make my eyes look less like a raccoon.
“Come out here, sweetheart,” she says. I obey and she wraps me in one of her hugs. I have missed those hugs. I go back to sobbing into her shoulder. Zeke sits on my feet, he must have been looking for me. I don’t know where Damian went, but I hope to hell he knows better than to stick around.
“Oh honey, you needed this,” she says sitting me down on the chest and holding me. I hadn’t been held like this, not in a very long time and it made my heartache hurt worse.
“Shhh…it’s okay. Let it out,” she says hugging me.
“I did everything I could. I practically begged,” I say crying.
“Shhh...” she says rubbing circles on my back.
“I am ruining Gran’s day,” I say as I start to pull away. I don’t know how long she held me there, but I know that I hear less people downstairs.
“She’ll understand,” Donna says wiping away my tears with both of her hands as she kisses the top of my head. Damian will never know how lucky he is to have this woman as his mother.
“Why doesn’t he want me?” I ask her as the hot tears reappear.
“Honey, my son doesn’t know what he wants, and you can’t wa
it around for him to decide either,” she says hugging me. I am confused. I thought she wanted us together? I thought she was on my side in this. She must notice my confusion.
“You listen to me,” she says as she hugs me tight, “You can’t stop living your life because Damian is too stupid to realize what he has. You are allowed to move on, Felicity. You are allowed to find someone new, and all of us will still be your family when you do.”
“What?”
“Honey, you are a part of this family whether you’re dating my son or not. You need to let yourself move forward—we will still be here for you no matter what you do or who you’re with.”
“Really?”
“When we said you were like a daughter, we meant it.” I just hug her harder, I honestly don’t know how to respond to someone actually behaving like a mother.
“Thank you,” I say wiping my face.
I pet Zeke, who seemed concerned for me as he places a paw on my leg.
“Are you still staying?” she ask. I have nowhere else to go, not until my train tomorrow afternoon. She fixes my hair with her fingers.
“Yea,” I say as she ushers me downstairs. Zeke follows closely behind.
“There she is!” Gran says coming towards me. All of her friends have left, it is just Donna, Matt, and mostly extended family now. Damian and I were up there longer than I thought. Matt is leaning against the kitchen counter eating some cake. I head over to him after I hug Gran, apologizing for taking so long. She only smiles and nods, purposefully giving me space. I love that woman. She reminds me so much of Nan it hurts.
Matt hands me his cake as soon as I get to him. He reaches down and pets Zeke, who despite his vest being off, was staying close.
“What’s this?” I say looking at the cake with a few bites taken out of it.
“This would be the last piece of chocolate cake, it was a cake that was split half chocolate half vanilla,” he says with a grin.
“And you’re giving it to me?”
“You look like you need it,” he says hugging me to him.
“Am I that obvious?” I say taking a bite of the cake.
“It’s about time you felt it. My brother is an idiot,” he says hugging me.
“As far as pseudo big brothers go, you’re my favorite,” I say picking at the frosting of the cake. I feel uncomfortable, not knowing where Damian is.
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