Just As Much

by Noelle R. Henry

  “I mean, thank you Dr. Mason.”

  “You’re welcome,” he says. “Feel better.”

  I just stare when he walks out, and Mel looks at me.

  “You scared the freaking hell out of me because you can’t even take your pills now?” Mel says when he leaves. Ahh. There she is.

  “Mel, do me a favor,” I say as she is about to go ape shit.

  “What?” she says.

  “Get the hell out of my hospital room. I don’t need you yelling at me for something outside of my control.”

  “You need help, Felicity. Don’t be a baby.”

  “I needed not to hear how much of a burden I was to you and Daniel all the time, Mel. I needed to feel wanted in my own home. But right now? I sure as hell don’t want you. I will work it out. Just leave.”

  She huffs away and I just sit there. What are you going to do now?

  I don’t want a babysitter. This is just stress induced. But, right now I am the only one who knows, so I am not going to worry about trying to find people to bother right now.

  Matt and Donna come in around two, with flowers.

  “You didn’t need to come all the way here,” I say, and Donna just smiles at me and gives me a hug.

  “You scared us,” she says. “What happened?”

  “Apparently I missed a dose,” I say and they both start in on me about needing to take care of myself. Right now, the two of them only remind me of Damian, so I look at them and it hurts.

  “Yea,” I say shaking my head. I look up at Matt.

  “You didn’t tell him, did you? Tell me that he doesn’t know,” I say looking at Donna’s sad face.

  “We haven’t,” Matt says.

  “But I’ve had to lie to him and I don’t like it,” Donna adds.

  “He made his choice,” I say, “this will pressure him into a different one.”

  “He wants your number. He’s asked us all for it several hundred times. He wants your address too,” Matt says.

  “He has heard the fact that we are upset in our voices. He has asked if you were sick,” Donna says.

  “I can’t have him in my life right now. He doesn’t want me the way I want him, it wouldn’t be fair to tell him. Please, promise me you’ll keep this and my information away from him.”

  They both stare at me before nodding. I am asking them too much, and I know it. But I let it happen. They spend the rest of the visit playing cards with me, but I ask them to go when it all gets too much—Matts laugh sounds too much like him.

  His Break Down

  Damian

  Day 1:

  I reach down to call her as soon as the truck goes too fast for me to chase it, but her number wasn’t there. It’s not in my favorites.

  I look up her name and it isn’t there. I go to my Messenger account, it isn’t there. I go to Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter—she has completely deleted me from everything. When did she have time to do this?

  I call Matt’s number and it goes straight to voicemail as I run back home to get my own car.

  I call Matt over and over again. I know he must have turned the phone off. But even running, it takes me too long. They are too far ahead of me, I’ll never make it before she gets on a train. I kick the nearest thing, which happens to be the damn fence—her jacket is still hanging off of it. I grab it and head inside. Why did I sleep with her?

  Because I want her. I do. I do want her. What the hell have I done?

  I go to the garage and I fix what she broke, connecting the lock back together.

  I get in my truck and take the long way into the city. I call off work, telling them I have a family emergency and I get a hotel as close to campus as I can. I don’t know where she lives, but she has to go into the psychology building for her classes eventually. I will find her.

  Day 2:

  I try Natalie. Calling her and leaving voicemails. She finally answers and says that she is not giving me any information and to stop calling. I can tell by her voice that she knows what I did and thinks I am scum. Don’t worry, Nat. I know I am scum.

  I call Meredith. I call my mom. I call Matt. I call Natalie. I call Meredith again. I call anyone who would have her address or her number to give them to me, but they all say no.

  “Damian, you need to let her move on,” Matt says.

  “Fuck you, Matt. You were in on her plan,” I say, and I am sobbing in a hotel room.

  “I just picked her up where she told me to, I didn’t know what she was doing. But honestly, what did you expect? Damian, she has been telling everyone for months that this was just a stage. That you were scared. She had you pegged. She knew you wanted her, but I don’t know what you did, but you broke her. You really broke her. And you don’t deserve her.”

  “Such loyalty, bro,” I say.

  “You’re not getting her number from me, I’m sorry,” he says, and I hang up. My mother was pretty much the same.

  Without any luck, I decide to head to the bar downstairs.

  A blonde, comes up and asks if I would buy her a drink. I say no.

  I say no to her. No hesitation. How could I think that I would hurt, Fee? When Fee is the only one I have wanted. I’m an asshole, that is why.

  Day 3:

  I text everyone, begging them again and get no response. So, I just spend the day in bed. Even telling them I changed my mind isn’t working.

  I call Matt that evening and he is upset.

  “What?” he says, he sounds like he has been crying.

  “What’s wrong?” I ask immediately. He sighs.

  “Nothing you need to worry about, Dame,” he says but I can tell he’s lying.

  “What happened? Is it Gran?” I say starting to get up.

  “Nothing happened, Gran is fine.”

  “Then why are you crying, Matt?” I say panicking. My brother does a lot of things, but my brother does not cry, not unless the world is ending. He didn’t even cry at Dad’s funeral. He waited until later, much later, to let it all out.

  “Damian…I…” he starts but he stops himself.

  “It’s Fee,” I say, and I start sobbing.

  “Nothing is wrong, Damian. I have just had a rough day.”

  “Where is she? What hospital?”

  “Sleep, Damian. You need it,” my brother says hanging up.

  I text everyone again asking if she is okay and no one responds. If she was okay, they would respond.

  I don’t sleep. I don’t eat. Something is wrong.

  I call my mom.

  “Tell me she is okay,” I tell her sobbing.

  “Tell you who is okay?” my mom says, but she’s upset, and I hear it in her voice too.

  “Mom, I am not stupid.”

  “I never said you were, dear,” she says defeated.

  “Is Felicity sick?” I say. I broke her. I should have thought this through. I broke her.

  “I haven’t spoken to Felicity since Gran’s party, Damian. I haven’t heard anything about her being sick. I am too busy taking care of your brother.”

  “What’s wrong with Matt?” I ask.

  “Lydia broke it off, Damian. He’s been a wreck.”

  That’s what the tears were for? Lydia? Christ, they scared me.

  “Oh. Okay. I just thought…”

  “I know what you thought. If I hear from her I will let you know,” my mom says.

  “Okay, love you.”

  “I love you too, more than you realize,” she says hanging up.

  Day 4:

  I get coffee and arrive at the psychology building before any classes would start. I wait there all day. No Fee. No Meredith either, maybe I have the wrong building?

  I call Matt and he still sounds awful.

  “Did you hear from Fee?” I ask him.

  “No, Dame. I haven’t.”

  “Do you work tomorrow?” I ask. Fee meets him for coffee on Tuesdays. That could be my in.

  “She won’t be there, Damian. I’ve got to go,” he says as he hangs up.


  God Damnit.

  Day 5:

  Fee doesn’t have classes on Tuesdays. Not from what I remember from our conversations.

  No one answers me anymore, so I have given up. I do call mom though, she is the one most likely to tell me anything.

  “Mom, have you heard anything?”

  “Nope, I haven’t.”

  “Oh,” I say disappointed.

  “Just give me her number, Mom. Please. I need to speak with her. I need to fix this.”

  “Damian, you told Matt and me to keep relationships with her. You said that is what she needed—a family. If I give you her number after she asked me not to, she wouldn’t be too happy with me. And she probably would think I was choosing sides,” my mom says, but there is something in her tone. She’s upset still. They are lying to me.

  “You’re probably right,” I say. I want her to have my mom when she needs her, and if my mom chooses me over her, she won’t think she has her.

  “How are you, honey?” she asks.

  “I’m not so hot,” I say sobbing on the phone. She calms me down, but I don’t tell her I am here looking for her. I don’t tell her that I haven’t been into work this week. My boss allowed me to use my three emergency days and I asked for my vacation. He allowed it but I have to be back by Monday. I have less than a week to find her.

  Day 6:

  I camp out the building again. But no one shows.

  I decide that it is time to try the option that Fee will kill me for.

  She didn’t delete Mel’s numbers.

  She should be working, so the cell won’t do, and I don’t want to call the house to get Daniel, so I call her office.

  “I am looking for Melody Vincent?” I ask the receptionist.

  “I’m sorry, Melody called off today. Family emergency. But I can take a message if you like,” the receptionist says, and I knew it. I fucking knew it.

  I call Mel’s cell.

  “Melody?” I say shocked that she actually answered.

  “Yes?” she says.

  “It’s Damian Turner.”

  “Who?”

  “Felicity’s boy-ex boyfriend,” I stammer.

  “What can I do for you, Damian?”

  “Is she okay?”

  “Why don’t you ask her.”

  “Can you give me her address, her number, anything?” I say.

  “Why don’t you have them?”

  “We fought. I really want to be there for her.”

  “So, you’re the reason she didn’t take her meds,” Melody sighs and I feel like I can’t breathe. She skipped a dose. “She is always so freaking melodramatic,” Melody continues.

  “She’s sick, isn’t she?”

  “She’s fine now, Damian. She’s being Miss Independent and taking care of herself. If you want to be there for her, you will have to get her information yourself.”

  “Yea. What hospital?” I say but she hangs up.

  I knew it.

  Day 7

  No hospital would verify she is a patient. I stay in bed and sleep. And worry. And sleep. And worry. She needs to know I want her. She needs to know that I am an idiot and that I know I am an idiot.

  I call Matt that night.

  “Damian…” he sighs knowing exactly what I am going to ask for.

  “Listen to me, Matt.”

  “Okay.”

  “You lied. She is sick. You owe me,” I say.

  “I don’t owe you,” Matt says.

  “Listen, Matt. Please?” I say and he sighs.

  “I want her. I made a mistake. We both know I made a mistake, and I hurt her. I hurt her so bad, and I just want to fix that. I have been in the city all week. I am using up all my sick days and I have been searching for her and texting and calling everyone. I am not making this decision because she is sick. I made this decision the moment you left. I never went back to my apartment, Matt. I have been here. Sitting outside her school building every day hoping to catch a glimpse of her. So, I need you to give me something—anything. Please. She skipped a dose because of me,” I say sobbing.

  “Who told you?” Matt asks shocked.

  “I called her sister,” I say softly.

  “You’ve been there all this time?” he says.

  “Yes.” He sighs louder this time.

  “I am going to tell you what has been happening and you are going to stay at that hotel. You aren’t going to rush to where she is, because there is a time and a place, Damian. Do you understand me?”

  “Yes.”

  “Felicity wouldn’t stop seizing Sunday morning. Natalie found her and was helping her when she had a second seizure. She looked at Zeke’s timer and it said six minutes. Felicity never came to, Damian. Not until yesterday morning.”

  “Oh my God,” I say sobbing.

  “They got her to the ER in time, but with all the sedation, she was basically in a coma,” he says.

  “Why the hell would you lie to me?” I say pissed.

  “Because we all know you’re suffering too and we didn’t want to add to it. I’ve been with her, Damian. I have been checking on her for you. Mom and I visited yesterday, and she flat out asked for you not to be told, that you made your choice and she didn’t want this to affect your decision.”

  “Is she okay, now?” I ask.

  “She’s fine, Damian. But she’s not allowed to be by herself anymore. Not until the doctor has some sort of emergency preparation worked out.”

  “He’s going to give her emergency diazepam or midazolam,” I say.

  “How do you know that?”

  “I basically learned all that I could about epilepsy, Matt,” I say softly.

  “She’s hurt,” Matt says.

  “Let me fix it,” I add.

  “She will be discharged tomorrow. I’ll give you her address Saturday morning.”

  “Why wait?” I ask.

  “Because you need to go in with a plan and she doesn’t need bombarded the moment she gets out of the ICU,” he says.

  “Fine.”

  “Fine.”

  “And Damian?” he adds.

  “Yea?”

  “Don’t blame Mom, I made her lie,” he says.

  “I know,” I say hanging up.

  Now it is time to come up with some sort of plan. But first, tomorrow I need to call my boss and rearrange some things. Hopefully, this will work.

  Some Sort of Plan

  Gavin is watching the TV at an intolerable level. I swear, if he wasn’t Natalie’s brother I would kill him. I decide to take a shower and try to be productive today. I have missed several days of homework from Bridgegate and the hospital stay. My professors will understand, but I don’t want to be the person that uses their illness as an excuse when it really was a guy. Not any guy. Damian.

  I walk out in my robe and I feel Gavin’s eyes on me. Zeke is with him on the couch, traitor.

  “She’s risen!” he says with a smile. For an asshole, Gavin really is kind of cute when he wants to be. In that puppy that chews on your favorite pair of shoes kind of way.

  “Who could sleep through that racket,” I say rolling my eyes.

  “That racket, love, is Game of Thrones,” he says pausing it and walking over to me as I drink my coffee.

  “You look better, Felicity. I’m glad you’re awake,” he says pouring himself a cup.

  “Thanks,” I say with a half-smile. Natalie has Gavin babysitting me while she is at work—he is so thrilled. The doctor outed the fact that I needed a babysitter in front of her and Matt the other day—so now I’m constantly watched. They are going out of their way and it is making me miserable.

  “What was his name?” Gavin asks sincerely.

  “Huh?”

  “The idiot who made you all zombie-esque,” he says taking a sip. He drinks his coffee black. Like Damian. I start to tear up and I hate myself for it.

  “Damian. His name is Damian,” I say softly, and Gavin gives me an apologetic look.

 
“He’s an idiot,” Gavin says walking away and going back to his couch.

  “I am going to work on stuff,” I say.

  “I’ll be in to check on you in a bit,” he says going back to his show. Nice to know he can be a little human. I am about to get ready and actually have a Saturday morning that doesn’t involve sleeping all day when we get a knock on our door.

  Gavin looks at me and I look at him and gesture with my hands that I am only wearing a robe.

  “Sure, I can see the goods, but no one else can?” Gavin says as he gets close to the door.

  “It’s a guy. Tall, dark hair, five o’clock shadow at nine A.M, looks about as depressed as you,” he says looking out the peephole. “I’m guessing it’s your guy.”

  “Don’t open it,” I say walking back towards my bedroom.

  “I’m not going to open it. You are. I’ve got this,” Gavin says giving me an ornery grin.

  “What are you going to do?” I ask him.

  “Open the door, Felicity,” Gavin says walking back toward his bedroom.

  I open the door and Damian is standing there looking worse for wear that I am, and I just spent five days in the hospital.

  “Why are you here?” I say trying to sound emotionless—I succeed, but I can see it hurts him. He probably heard about my event from Donna and is coming to check on me. I don’t need sympathy.

  “Fee, please,” he says walking towards me but right when he does Gavin walks out of his bedroom shirtless. And a shirtless Gavin is a sight to see—the dude is ripped. He comes up behind me.

  “I can’t keep an eye on you when you are out here,” he says looking at Damian. Damian looks him up and down.

  “Do you have coffee?” Gavin asks, as if he doesn’t live here. I see where he is going with this.

  “In the pot,” I say looking over at him and back to Damian. Gavin kisses me on the cheek and I try not to show how disgusted I am. Damian looks devastated, as if he is about to cry himself. I look him over again, he hasn’t slept, he probably got up fairly early to drive here.

  “Thanks, babe,” Gavin says walking back to his bedroom. “I’ll wait for you in here.” I give him a look that could kill.

  “You’re busy,” Damian says as if he is choking on something. “I would have called first, but…” he starts, and I give him a sympathetic look.

  “What do you want, Dame?” I ask. He just looks up at me.