All The Ugly Things (Love and Lies Duet Book 1)

by Stacey Lynn

  According to Jenna, that was the Carolina Rough Riders—because she loved their teal and blue uniforms. Also, because according to her, the quarterback Beaux Hale had the best ass in the NFL and was from Des Moines, so he was a hometown favorite.

  Brandon smiled indulgently at her as she explained all this, shaking his head as if he found her favorite team based on colors and hometowns adorable and absolutely acceptable.

  “I might try to talk to our florist, see if she can find some blue flowers for my bouquet.” She tapped her chin.

  “Whatever you want, dear,” Brandon mumbled over a bite of bread.

  “When’s the wedding?” I asked.

  “December twelfth. We wanted to be back from our honeymoon for Christmas.”

  “Wow. That’s coming quick. Are you ready?”

  “About six weeks and yeah, it’s overwhelming. There are tons of things to do over the next few weeks. Final dress fittings, menu finalizing before we start getting the RSVPs returned to do the seating charts…”

  She trailed off, eyes glazed as if still running through her mental to-do list.

  “New flowers, too? Again?” Brandon asked.

  “No. I was joking about the blue. They’d clash with the dresses my girls are wearing.”

  “Of course, and we can’t have that,” Hudson said, chiming in.

  “Men.” She rolled her eyes and focused on me. “They don’t get it. Amiright?”

  I shrugged. Men weren’t exactly in my expertise wheelhouse. Neither was wedding planning. Instead of answering, I asked, “Where are you going on your honeymoon?”

  “Fiji. We have this incredible private villa right over the water. White sandy beaches, gorgeous blue water. I can’t freaking wait. It’ll be amazing.” Her eyes lit up and she smiled at Brandon.

  “I did a pretty good job planning it, didn’t I?”

  “Yes. You could take directions very well from me printing out the three places I wanted to go with specific resorts.” She rolled her eyes again at him, but then fell into his shoulder with a happy sigh. “I can’t wait until we’re married.”

  “Me either.” He kissed the top of her head and draped his arm over her chair, curling her more snuggly against him.

  The move was so sweet I looked down at my plate. What would that feel like? To have someone love you so much?

  I blinked until the emotion receded and cleared my throat.

  “What about you, Lilly?” Brandon asked. “Were you able to give your notice at Judith’s on Friday?”

  “I was.”

  “And then she was fired,” Hudson said.

  “What?” It came from a chorus of all three of them. “Why? How?”

  “It’s fine.” I gritted my teeth and glared at Hudson. “She had me finish the weekend shift like I usually do. But that’s okay.” Somehow, sitting with the three of them, asking for an early start didn’t feel right. Definitely not professional. If I could have kicked Hudson under the table for putting me on the spot, I would have.

  “You can start early.”

  “That’s not—”

  “In fact, I insist,” Brandon said. “Why don’t you start on Wednesday? Take tomorrow to rest and then we’ll get you up and going in a few days. That will give me time to work with Sandra on what she wants to train you on first.”

  “I don’t mind waiting.” Although my wallet would empty faster than a bursting water pipe.

  “Wednesday,” Brandon replied. “It’s no bother to have you there early. I’m sure Sandra will appreciate it anyway.”

  I would have preferred to have handled it myself. Hudson wasn’t always going to be there to help me out, but I was also learning that when this family wanted something, they didn’t give up.

  “Thank you.”

  “No problem.”

  “Thanksgiving is a few weeks away,” David announced. “If you don’t have plans for the holiday, you’re welcome to join us.”

  “Oh. That’s kind, but… can I think about it?”

  Part of me wanted to jump in, volunteer to try my hand at baking pies or making stuffing and asking what I could bring. The other part of me—the sane and rational side—took a glance around the table, felt the weight and expectation of hope of everyone, and realized one important fact.

  If I ruined something with any of them, my new job, my new friendship with Hudson, and these new relationships I still wasn’t quite so sure of but desperately wanted—would all go up in a puff of smoke, making me more lost and alone than I’d been during my six years in prison.

  “Sure, Lilly. You can absolutely think about it.” David’s expression held a knowing look, like he’d climbed inside my brain and witnessed all the self-doubt and fear I’d felt in a moment.

  It was his kindness and understanding that had me choke down more emotion.

  Just get through this dinner.

  Then I could break down.

  25

  Lilly

  “You’ve lived through so much it’s a wonder you’re still standing. You should be proud of that. Of what you’re accomplishing.”

  “It doesn’t feel like much, or that I have a much of a choice.”

  “I think we always have choices. Even here, you get to decide your behavior and your attitude, right? You get to make the choice of whether to go to school or give up, don’t you?”

  I looked at this girl. Shoulder-length platinum blonde hair and these enormous dark eyes. She was so soft, so sweet. The first time I saw her at the prison’s chapel during their Sunday services when churches came and volunteered, I hated her on sight.

  “Lilly.”

  I jumped at the sound of my name and faced Hudson. “Yes?”

  “You okay?”

  “Sure. Why?” I frowned at his question. I’d been good all night. Quiet maybe after dinner, but I jumped in to help clean up afterward with Jenna and Hudson. David and Brandon switched between hanging out with us in the kitchen and shouting at the television in the family room.

  “Because I’ve been parked here for at least a minute and you haven’t moved a muscle.”

  “What?” I glanced out the front windshield. We were in the parking garage, stopped in his spot with the large, white P on a sign in front of us. “Oh.”

  “You got quiet at dinner and didn’t say anything on the way home. Was that too much for you?”

  “No. Actually, it was wonderful. It just made me think about someone.”

  His thick brows pulled together and he tilted his head to the side. “Your family?”

  “No.” For once, I hadn’t been thinking of them. I didn’t spend the night comparing what Hudson had to what I lacked. I had been lost in the evening, listening to the banter even when I was quiet. It was foreign, but still comforting. What a strange sensation. Even now with the question asked, it wasn’t my family my mind went to. “There was this girl. She used to come to the prison with a church. They’d hold services for us.”

  “Yeah?” His eyes widened in surprise.

  “Yeah. She was kind. Smiled a lot. I think the first time I saw her I hated her. She reminded me of everything I’d lost, you know? She was only a few years older than me. Or, you maybe even. Anyway, she came for almost a year, every Sunday.”

  “Did you…” He paused, cleared his throat, and his jaw tightened. Like he was searching for what to say before he glanced back at me. Almost cautiously, he asked, “Did you like those?”

  It took me a minute to think about that. Had I liked the service? Getting out of my room had been nice. I was more concerned watching Hudson’s reaction. It wasn’t often I opened myself up, spoke about my past. Perhaps that was why he seemed hesitant to ask me what I thought.

  “Church was never really my thing, but this particular one wasn’t horrible.” Their music had been modern, not the old hymns I was used to from the Catholic Church, and the women who came were friendly enough. “I only started going because if you earned good behavior time it got you out of your room for an ho
ur or two and it wasn’t all bad. Some weekends were more boring than others, and some churches who came had people in there you just knew were the kind of people who would hold signs at protests about going to hell, you know?”

  He laughed but it was tight, and his voice was scratchy as he slowly asked, “So, this girl?”

  “Yeah. She came for a year at least, before I didn’t see her again. Her church still did, but no one said anything about her so I figured she just got bored of coming and then I stopped.” I faced him, thought of her and her kind words and her smiles. “She would have liked your dad.”

  “Yeah.” His voice was full of grit. And God, why was I telling him all of this?

  His face was pinched, like he was feeling my pain.

  “Anyway, one day, it was months. Maybe even a year when she’d come every month. Never missed it, and after the first few, it was like she looked for me. Smiled when she saw me and at first…” I trailed off. Thinking of the girl with beautiful blonde hair and dark eyes. The way she’d smile, like she was truly, genuinely happy to see me. I shook my head and cleared my throat to stave off the emotions threatening to overflow. I hadn’t thought of her in so long. “God, I thought she was crazy. She was always so sweet, so kind. She had this sweet, just the sweetest aura around her, you know? Like everything she touched turned to rainbows.”

  Hudson’s jaw was hard. His teeth ground together. If I would have been brave enough to reach out and touch him, I figured he would have felt like granite for as tense as he’d become.

  “Go on,” he practically choked out.

  “It was my birthday.” Tears fell and I brushed them away. Why was I so desperate to tell him. Now? Tonight in his truck of all places and yet I’d started this, and I couldn’t stop.

  “She didn’t know that. There was no way for her to know. And having a birthday in prison? It was the worst. And she sat next to me at one point, asked me how I was, and I just… I just lost it.”

  I forced myself to focus on Hudson. On the torment I saw in his eyes. His were swirling with emotion and it made it harder for me to continue.

  He reached over and took my hand, squeezed it and I choked down more tears. His hand was warm, somehow giving me strength to continue even as he said my name on a ragged breath.

  “Lilly—”

  “You know what she did? It was so dumb. So small and so simple.”

  “What?”

  “She put her hand on my knee and told me, ‘If I could go back in time, I’d give you my dad. You should’ve had that.’ And she wasn’t talking about her church family or her God in like that churchy way of talking about their ‘father,’ you know?”

  He nodded. “I know.”

  “Right. Of course you know.” I laughed, cold and brittle, and swiped so many tears away, my fingers were soaked with them. “Because you have one, too.”

  He brought my hand up and held it between both of us. He cupped my hand like I imagined he wanted to hug me. So damn comforting. So strong. “I’m sorry you didn’t.”

  “Yeah, that’s what she said, and she meant it.” Tears fell down my cheeks and I couldn’t be bothered to brush them away anymore. The memory of that day, how completely serious she was, hit me with such force I sobbed.

  It was minutes, long minutes where Hudson said nothing and didn’t move, just squeezed my hand between his and pressed it to his chest where I felt the steady, strong beat of his heart.

  “Anyway, she meant it deep inside her. I could tell. She wished I could have had her dad, and that I deserved it and that… well, it meant a lot. I never forgot that. I mean, I had money. I had this family but we were such a fucking mess. We were rich, but in some ways, we were worse than the worst kinds of people. All of us a mess. And this girl who didn’t know me but knew all my ugly secrets, all the ugly things I’d done, all the ugly things done to me… she still thought I deserved something like that.”

  I smiled a watery smile up at him. He was blurry, and his eyes were steely. Like he was feeling every single thing I was experiencing all over again.

  “It was the best birthday present I ever had,” I admitted.

  It had sparked something inside of me when I’d gone back to my cell.

  I didn’t have a family who cared. I’d lost the only person in my life who had ever loved me.

  But I could be something. This stranger gave me that. Funny how quickly I forgot that gift she handed me when things grew difficult now.

  “She sounds lovely. Truly genuine.”

  “She was. I think that day, she saved my life a little bit. Gave me hope I could still be someone.” It was a gift I’d never again forget.

  “You can do anything.”

  I grinned, and for the first time around Hudson, it didn’t feel broken or crooked or jagged. “I know that now.”

  We climbed out of his truck eventually and yet I did it feeling ten pounds lighter. Like somehow, pouring all that out to him helped me shed the weight of condemnation that wasn’t necessary for me to carry anymore. My eyes were still wet, and I was certain I looked a mess. Tonight had been rough.

  It had also been beautiful.

  Hudson gave me that, like he’d so easily given me so many other things, but him listening to me, understanding, was the most precious gift of all.

  Now, he was the one who had turned quiet as we rode the elevator and walked down the building’s hallway and while he waited for me to dig out my keys.

  “Thank you for tonight. And I’m sorry if that… well, if that got weird in your truck.”

  “It wasn’t weird. I feel honored you trust me with that story.”

  Of course he did. Because that’s who he was. Honorable. Worthy of it as well.

  “I had fun being with your family. And Jenna, even if she is a little bit crazy.”

  “I warned you.” His lips twitched. “But you handled yourself well with her.”

  “She made it easy.” I looked up at him. His tall frame, tousled hair, and chiseled jaw. It was probably illegal in forty-two states to be this attractive, and as we stood there, neither of us moving, I remembered the last night we stood like this.

  When he kissed me. Would he…

  “I should get home,” Hudson said.

  He popped the memory of Friday and it fell to the floor with the weight of a lead balloon. “Right. Sure. Busy day tomorrow.”

  “Yeah.”

  It was awkward. This was awkward. We hadn’t yet had awkward. “Hudson—”

  “I should go,” he repeated and took a step back.

  “Wait.” I found myself reaching for him. My hand curled around his forearm and a sizzling spark traveled up my arm, straight to my chest.

  I wanted this. And he’d said he did too, right?

  Maybe this was a bad time. Maybe I looked like a raccoon and I’d smear mascara all over him.

  But I’d lost six years of my life and after having a renewed vision from tonight’s memory, I was tired of wasting time, of wasting moments I’d fill with regret if I missed too many more.

  “Lilly—”

  I didn’t give him time to finish that thought. I rolled to my toes and pressed my lips to his, kissing Hudson for the first time.

  And oh God. His lips were warm. Soft. Full and it was the last thought I had before two large and warm hands dug into my hair, held me to him and he kissed me back.

  Ferociously.

  Powerfully.

  He kissed me like he was starving himself of this very moment for a lifetime and he could no longer resist.

  My back hit the wall. His body caged me in at the front and still he kissed me, pressing his tongue to my lips, seeking entrance. I gasped against him, my mind whirling with nerves and my body sizzling with excitement.

  It’d been so long, so long since I fumbled with first kisses and counting bases in back seats of cars, a shiver of nerves rolled down my spine, but I gave him what he sought.

  Me. My mouth. Entrance into me. Our tongues slipped against each oth
er and I was pretty certain I was floating on a cloud, headed straight to outer space.

  It was divine. So much more than I’d imagined. So much better than I could have ever imagined any kiss to be.

  Hudson could kiss. And he was kissing me, passionately, until he pulled back, gasping for breath, and pressed his forehead to mine. “I didn’t mean to get carried away.”

  “I’m glad you did.” Our breaths were heavy. Chests heaving as we fought to return to sanity and solid ground.

  Still, he pressed his forehead to mine and gripped my scalp with such intensity it seemed he was having just as hard of a time as I was. “I want to go slow with you. I can’t… I can’t take more from you.”

  He looked pained. Eyes squeezed tightly closed, jaw hard and wrinkles lined his forehead. I reached up, pressed my palm to the curve of his jaw.

  “Do you… regret that?”

  “No,” he groaned. “No regret, but I should go.”

  It was the last thing I wanted. I wanted more kisses. More of his body pressing to mine, and yet he looked so torn. “Okay.”

  There was something wrong. Something he wouldn’t share and it became obvious when he stepped back, let me go and shoved his hands into his pockets almost to clean away the feel of me. “Get inside, Lilly. And sleep well.”

  He gestured toward the door, opened behind me.

  I didn’t know what happened, what put that cavern of space between us, but I stepped over my threshold and did what I was told.

  “Goodnight, Hudson.”

  I closed the door and kicked off my shoes and pressed my back to the door. My fingers drifted to my lips. My first real kiss since I was eighteen years old and it felt like heaven.

  And yet he’d ended it. Why had he changed so quickly? My heart and the desire he’d stroked fell like a lead weight to the floor. What had just gone so wrong?

  “Earth to Lilly.”

  The now familiar thump of Angie’s book bag hit the table.

  “What?”

  She sat down and scooted in, sliding her lunch on the table and shoving her book bag to the side. “You’ve been spacey all day. I don’t even think you noticed I was behind you in history.”