by Rae Earl
Millie. We are coming to your house this morning early. You watch them. THEY ARE IN PROPER LOVE.
I am not waiting to see this nonsense. I decide to tackle Mum now. I march downstairs with a bit of a face on. It’s a mixture of Mum when she’s in full business mode and Dave when she hasn’t been fed.
Mum is making her breakfast. The kettle has boiled, but her coffee granules are dry. This is the optimum time to have a talk to her. She will be at her weakest.
“Mum,” I say very calmly. “Can we have a chat?”
Mum taps her hand on the countertop. “Of course we can, darling!”
Suddenly my brain can’t find the right words, so my mouth just comes out with something.
“Are you and Rod kissing?”
Mum stops tapping her hand and slowly turns around to look at me.
“Do you mean are Rod and I in a relationship? The answer is yes. I think we are. I just want a bit of fun, Millie. It’s nothing too serious. Rod is funny and spontaneous and I’m getting to live a bit. He’s going to take me to a Fleetwood Mac concert. Do you know, I think I’ve been a bit restricted when it comes to music. Some of the stuff from pre-1991 is excellent. I don’t see what the issue is. You get to hang with Lauren and I get to hang with Roddy.”
Roddy?!
In this moment, I have trouble formulating a sentence. I wonder who the hell this woman is! This is not my mum. This USED to be my mum. That’s why she ended up with my dad. When she was young she was a raver. Dance parties till dawn! Trance dance tunes! This WAS her. It’s not her now. My mum is sensible. She has relationships with people like Gary—men who are clean and make fish pie from scratch. Not men like Rod. He vapes with a raspberry flavor! He also needs to shower (NOT my words. The words of my mum before she started kissing him), AND he is my BEST FRIEND’S DAD! There’s a complete lack of imagination here.
More to the point, I’m going through one of the most stressful periods of my life and she drops this bombshell. I have grave concerns about this relationship. This may be my very sensible side reaching in to take control, but I think my sensible side is right.
Rod is a walking explosion of mess. Mum has only just finished a relationship with the world’s cleanest man! How can she go so fast from the—
Before I have more time to think, Rod comes into the kitchen and says, “Hello, Millie!”
I’m not proud to tell you that I pull my exceptionally suspicious face. My eyes slide down to meet my cheeks.
Rod doesn’t notice and Dave rushes into his arms. He sings a song to her. “You’re a really cool cat/Feline—you’re fat/Sit on the mat/Would you like a tuna-filled crepe?/Or a smoky chicken vape?”
“Millie,” Mum exclaims excitedly. “You could get Rod on the vlog!”
I could not. “Hashtag Help! My Mum’s Boyfriend Thinks He’s John Lennon” would not be a popular upload.
No. I am not doing that. But I can think of something I can do.
#GourmetSnack
Lauren breezes in like nothing is happening. She is carrying a parcel. “Morning!” she shouts. “This was on your doorstep, Mills.”
I open the parcel and realize it’s the gourmet snacks Lydia Portancia promised for Dave.
I look at Lauren. She seems to be completely unfazed by everything that is going on. I, meanwhile, am standing here holding Trout Infused Gourmet Treats with a Hint of Sea Bream Broth and feeling completely bewildered.
While Rod and Mum are talking about their favorite type of peanut butter (my mum is claiming she’s crunchy!) I sidle up to Lauren and sort of snarly whisper, “How do you feel about this? Aren’t you completely weirded out by it?”
Lauren looks serious. She explains that she absolutely was freaked out when she saw them kissing. In fact, that’s why she didn’t tell me for HOURS, BUT when she sat back and thought about it, she realized it was actually a bit lovely. She looks at me very sweetly, puts her arm around me, and says, “I think you just need a bit of time. I love your mum. She loves my dad. We are sort of sisters, anyway. This is good news, isn’t it?”
I scrunch up my face. Sensible Millie says, Get over it. Don’t worry about it. Mum always comes out on top. and Lauren is right. Toddler Millie, who lives deep inside of me, does not agree. Toddler Millie is currently having a huge tantrum and throwing her Dancing Elmo at Rod.
At times like this, it’s good to get away from the scene of conflict.
I give Lauren an arm squeeze and pry Dave from Rod’s arms. I tell him I will bring her back in a minute. I take Dave and the gourmet treats to my bedroom. I do need to vlog more. Mum is right about that, even though her taste in men, and therefore all her opinions about everything, are currently under question.
#Biscuits
Dave death-stares me all the way up the stairs. She is very unhappy that I have taken her from Rod.
I sit down in my vlogging space and I check that the biscuits look really obvious on-screen. I’ve seen basic marketing stuff—you have to make sure that the product is king. I hold on to Dave gently but firmly and begin recording.
Hi! Millie here! Hashtag Help my cat is a flirt and she prefers my mum’s new boyfriend over me.
I have no idea if Rod and Mum are public knowledge yet, but they’re so loved up—I’m sure they won’t mind.
Yeah, so my mum has a new boyfriend. Who just happens to be the dad of my best friend. I’m not going to lie—it is odd. I only found out yesterday. They’re nice people, but it’s an “opposites attract” thing. That’s not the problem, though. The problem is Dave.
My cat is in love with my mum’s new boyfriend.
She does tricks for him that she would never do for me. She follows him around the house. She sleeps in the bathtub looking sad when he’s not around. The message I am getting is—“Millie, you’re not number one in my life anymore.”
However, today, thanks to Feline Friends snacks I have, as you can see, Trout Infused Gourmet Treats with a Hint of Sea Bream Broth. And there’s nothing my cat likes more than a cheeky luxury chow-down.
(I get some of the biscuits out and hold them in my hand. In terms of fish smell intensity, it’s like holding the entire Pacific Ocean. Dave shows no interest at all. In fact, she jumps down and heads toward the door.)
That’s actually quite reassuring in a way. It proves you can’t totally buy the affection of things. Sometimes love is the thing that conquers.
Dave suddenly decides she IS interested, leaps onto me, buries her head into the packet and tries to claw me when I try to take the treats off her.
Dave looks like she’s been hypnotized.
Oh, you can buy the love of things. I think Dave might miss my boyfriend, Danny, too. We’re both doing some comfort eating! Brilliant news! Anyway, if your cat is a diva like mine, get her or him some of these!
(I rattle the treats.)
Leave your comments, and I’ll see you soon.
I turn RECORD off and watch my vlog back. It feels a bit wrong—like I’m on a TV shopping channel. I can’t think of a better way to do it, though, so I upload and put my phone in the front pocket of my bag. I don’t want to keep refreshing for feedback about cat biscuits and it’s still too early for Danny to call. I decide that I am not going to look at my phone for a bit. I am consciously uncoupling from the world for a few hours.
Dave paws me for more biscuits. I give her some. We don’t do diets in this house.
#TruthAndLies
For the rest of the day, I want to tell you that I do amazing productive things. I do not. I wait for Danny to call. If I even remotely hear something that sounds like a phone alert, I check mine. Mum has given Rod a whole heap of new jobs to do. Lauren and Mum think he’s hilarious and, yes, at times, he is. When he develops Dave: The Musical with big numbers including “I’m the Star (Not Millie)” and the haunting ballad “I’ve Got Fleas,” he is really funny. However, when you are trying to speak to your boyfriend in a completely separate time zone, things are not as fun.
D
anny finally calls at about 2:00 p.m. our time. We have a good chat … and then he casually drops into the conversation that he is going to stay with his uncle and that his uncle is a survivalist. He then explains that his uncle lives in the middle of nowhere in a log cabin that he built with no running water.
Even the thought of it gives me a tight chest.
Danny, though, “really can’t wait to go” to “catch fish and watch the raccoons.”
His grandma is going, too, as she likes to hunt.
And he will have no phone connection. For a few days.
“So, what shall we do?” I ask.
Danny looks at me with a very confused face. “We just won’t talk for a few days. We often were like that when I lived near you! It’s no different!”
I nod, but inside I am thinking very differently. Danny just seems to be picking up his Canadian life where he left off. I know I should be fine with that, but where do I fit into it all? I don’t think I can go to stay in a house in the middle of a forest, unless I can take my Zen Loo with me.
A horrible thought creeps into my head. Is this REALLY going to work? Do I want it to? I’m not really a hanging-around type of girl.
Put the thought away, Millie. Positive thinking. Yes. I can make our relationship work. If Rod and Mum can, anyone can!
#Honesty
Later, to cheer myself up a bit, I look at the comments on my latest vlog. There are loads of them and thousands of views.
#DAVE. Just make it Dave #DaveFan
(She is actually physically incapable of doing vlogs on her own.)
This is amazing. You have yourself one special cat there.
(I know. I hope no one tries to kidnap her.)
CAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!
(Yes, Dave is a cat.)
Is the cat for real? Or a puppet
(I can’t be bothered with these ones.)
Kummerspeck!
(I look this up. It is German for “grief bacon.” It’s their word for excess weight caused by emotional eating. Don’t try to body-shame my cat! If she wants to have a few extra treats because she might miss Danny, she can.)
There’s also an e-mail from Lydia Portancia.
MILLIE!
The company LOVES the vlog and they ADORE Dave. Pets are often resistant to anything new. Dave has spoken to a lot of other cat people who will get that. I think this is the start of something BIG for her. Perhaps a corporate sponsorship!
Reading everything back, it’s a lot of Dave is doing really good and not a lot of me is doing really good.
I can’t be jealous of my cat’s career. That is too tragic.
My phone vibrates and I see it’s Aunty Teresa.
Millie! Are you busy? Come over! I have a great idea!
Right now, with Lauren and Rod devising Dave: The Musical in the bathroom, and Danny planning to live amongst the mooses, this seems like a good escape.
(I have no idea what the real plural of moose is and I can’t take another thing onboard my head today. I can only buffer information from now on.)
#TeresaNO
When I get to Granddad’s house, Teresa is waiting by the front door and waving excitedly. It’s good to get silly Teresa back. Since she’s been into medicine, she’s been all about hemorrhagic fevers and mosquitoes. She beckons me into the front room. She looks at me nervously. I can see she is dying to tell me something.
“You know we were talking about your vlog being a bit too serious? I thought about that. I have found a way to totally open up a side of yourself that other people haven’t seen. It introduces vulnerability, yet your strength and your humor, too.”
I stare at her suspiciously. “Have you seen my vlog recently? I’m doing loads of funny stuff. I’ve decided funny is me—a bit.”
Teresa starts to look sheepish. “No, I haven’t seen it. I’ve been too busy working out a strategy for you. I was thinking of something extra-fun for your fans.”
“They’re not fans. They are subscribers,” I say firmly. I can’t deal with having “fans.” Too heavy on my head.
“Anyway,” Teresa continues, “I hope I’ve done the right thing. I was going through a really old phone and I spotted a video I made from about eight years ago. When you were little.”
My stomach goes full washing-machine.
“It was so cute, I just uploaded it onto your vlog! You were still logged in to my laptop. I’ve done the right hashtags and everything!”
Breathe, Millie. That’s what my brain says. Finally, my mouth works.
“You’ve put it on my vlog page?”
Teresa looks down and shifts from side to side. “Yeah, it’s that time at Christmas.”
My eyes go wide. Please no. Please NO!
How can one woman cause so much damage in forty minutes?! Teresa can read my reaction. She grabs hold of my arms and pleads, “I was just thinking of you, Millie! I thought people would see you in a whole new way!”
I open up my phone, and there it is. Teresa has even labeled it to fit in with what I do.
#Help me, I’ve dropped the baby Jesus and Mary is understandably furious at me.
Teresa starts to do that thing when you know someone is going to be furious at you. She starts blurting out a really poor defense of her actions with a fake smile.
“You had one job in the nativity play! Just to pass the baby Jesus to Mary. And you dropped it! Incredible scenes, Millie. I still think about it! You’ve already got lots of views!”
I surprise myself. I can’t get cross. I know Teresa hasn’t got a malicious bone in her entire skeleton. It is very embarrassing, but it’s a bit funny, too. Also, it’s Sarah Browning as the Angel Gabriel telling me off for dropping the doll. She was horrible to everyone when she was six. I don’t suppose it matters if the world knows me as the cat girl who drops babies.
“You’re not angry, are you, Millie?”
Teresa breaks my train of thought. I tell her I’m not, give her a hug, and log myself out of her laptop. I also realize I need to change all my passwords to things that she could never, ever guess. Dave1 was a bit weak. I promise Teresa that I’ll come and see her and Granddad tomorrow. I’ve got nothing else to do. My boyfriend is up a tree, my mum is in love, and my best friend is trying to get on Broadway with a musical based on my cat.
Everything is completely normal.
The last few months have been crazy. I don’t think I can handle another big emotional thing. I need the opposite. Someone factual and down to earth.
I text Bradley.
Coffee?
Bradley gets back to me straightaway.
Yes! Come to mine.
#Oasis
Bradley’s house is always an oasis of calm in a world gone wild. He manages to keep on top of everything I’m doing, too. When I get to his room, he’s already seen Teresa’s handiwork.
He grins at me. He has a buck-teeth thing going on, but it works.
“That was brave, Millie,” he says very factually.
I explain that it wasn’t me who uploaded it. This makes him laugh a lot. I notice that his voice is getting deeper. Men really do get the best deal when it comes to hormones. I should vlog about it, and get it sponsored by a hot water bottle manufacturer.
“You know what, Bradley?” I confess. “It’s good to have something that’s just about me. It’s mainly been about Dave. I feel like Dave’s spare part sometimes. I know it’s pathetic being jealous of my own cat, but…”
I notice Bradley is shaking with laughter and I realize how ridiculous I sound.
“Bradley! Take this a bit seriously!” I say. “I just want to be as legendary as my pet!”
I can hear that I have gone full spoon. I decide to shut up and get Bradley on his favorite subject.
“How’s the lifts, anyway?”
“Oh, you know, up and down.” And then he winks.
This is a good bad joke. Bradley is dry like the desert. It is, in my opinion, the greatest of all the humors. Most boys of his age ar
e still laughing at their own body gas. Bradley has gone up many levels. We spend the rest of the afternoon talking about technology, comparing vlogs, and giggling at Huevos.
But NO. He’s JUST a friend. There will be no plot twist. But, when I’m with him, I do tend to laugh a lot more and eat a lot more, which I think is always a great sign of being with another human (or cat).
#Vlog
When I get home, I have gone viral again. Not exactly me, but little me. Other people are now sharing their embarrassing school play stuff too—#nativityfails is trending. Teresa is actually a genius, and I text her to tell her. I’m very lucky to have the family that I have. Perhaps I don’t tell them as much as I should.
I feel this way, all warm and fuzzy, until I find Mum in my room inflating the airbed.
“Millie!” she says excitedly. “Rod and Lauren are having their house done up by specialists. They’ve found asbestos in the walls! The thing is, it’s really a big job, so I’ve asked if he wants to stay here! And Lauren can stay with you! It’ll be FUN! It’s only for a day or two!”
It’s that “fun” word again.
I realize I’m being a grump. I love Lauren and I need to be more patient. Plus, selfishly, I know having her around will take my mind off Danny not being around.
Lauren crashes into the bedroom and starts shouting, “Isn’t this the best holiday EVER?!”
I nod and give her a hug. She puts her bag onto my bed. “Do you mind if I sleep here, Millie? I don’t really sleep well on air!”
I nod. To be honest, I feel so tired that I could sleep in a hedge.
#Discoveries
The next morning, I have discovered the following things about my best friend:
Lauren doesn’t sleep well on normal beds, either.
Lauren likes late-night talking. She asked me about the Big Bang Theory. I said I didn’t know, as I couldn’t believe there was just this huge explosion and everything happened. There must be a God. Or something. Or someone. Lauren didn’t mean the theory. She meant the show (I’ve been spending too much time with Bradley). She then told me all the jokes from all the seasons of the show ever.