by K E Osborn
I glance around the room to see Julian talking to a big-shot Hollywood producer, and I roll my eyes. Always fucking working even at three minutes to midnight. Spinning on the stool, I see Carter making out with the up and comer they’re thinking of casting in a remake of Xanadu. My stylist is very close to banging the actor from a brand-new sci-fi series on the sofa right where everyone can see. It’s a hot mess in here. Everyone’s drunk getting their love fixes on, and I’m here, a little more than tipsy, wishing instead of being warm in Miami that I were freezing cold in Chicago and being kept warm by Ace.
You can have all the money and fame in the world, but what the hell use is it if you can be in a crowded room and still feel the loneliest you’ve ever been in your entire damn life. My bottom lip begins to tremble as I turn back to the bar and pick up my fresh drink to take a long sip.
I miss him.
I miss him so fucking much it’s tearing me to shreds.
Suddenly, someone steps in beside me and orders a drink. I glance up to see it’s Robert Downy Jr. My stomach tightens at seeing Ace’s goddamn hero standing right beside me.
Iron Man himself.
My muscles tense as my entire body tightens. Ace would love this, and I can’t share it with him. It sends me right over the edge as I burst out into loud, uncontrollable sobs. Downy glances at me taking in my state grimacing like I’ve scared him. I must look a hot mess right now from his reaction. He grabs his drink, walks off quickly without saying anything as I shove my face in my hands.
“Five… four,” the countdown of the clock begins as I slump even further, “… three… two… one… Happy New Year,” everyone yells out.
Cheering erupts throughout the mansion, party poppers explode as horns blow and fireworks burst in the air above us while I lean my head on the bar and cry from one year into the next, thinking about how I lost a guy who meant so much to me, and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.
Happy New Year’s, Neve.
Way to start the year off with a bang.
NEVE
Mid-January
“Neve, Neve, are you ready yet?” Cindi calls out to me as I slowly move about the hotel room. I don’t answer her as I reach for my cell, checking it as always to see if there’s anything from Ace.
There’s not, of course, so I place it in my jeans pocket with a heavy exhale.
Cindi bounds into the room. “C’mon, girl, we have to be down the hall in like three minutes, the interview is just with us ladies. I’m so freaking excited. My first—” She stops midsentence as she takes in my state. I slump on the bed as she walks over to me.
With a long sigh, she sits next to me placing her hand on my knee caringly. “Honestly, I didn’t think you’d still be this upset.”
I glance at her with a shrug. “Honestly, I didn’t think I would be either. Have you… you know, spoken to him?”
Cindi gnaws on her bottom lip like she’s unsure about how to respond. “I don’t want to be the go-between with you two. I love you both.” She sighs. “But I went home over Christmas and…” she pauses making my ears prick up, “… he’s just as miserable as you are.”
I thought that would make me feel better knowing he hasn’t moved on, knowing he’s longing for me like I am him, but actually all its done is made me feel worse. Now I know we both want the same thing, but getting to the end result where we can just be together is a near impossibility. He knows it, I know it, now we’re both going to be despondent for the rest of our miserable-fucking-miserable lives.
“Well, both of us being depressed doesn’t achieve anything, Cindi,” I mumble.
She exhales. “No, I know, I wasn’t… I mean…” She slumps her body. “I don’t know what to say here, Neve.”
I flop back on the bed feeling like an asshole. “I’m sorry. I’m being a brat. I miss him. I didn’t know I could feel like this.”
She lays down beside me turning her head to take me in and exhales. “I know. I miss Noah, too. I’m heading back home in February for a wedding, I’ll check on Ace for you then.” I feel a heaviness weigh me down. “Being away from the guys is hard…” she exhales exaggeratedly, “… being famous blows.”
Suddenly, I burst out laughing. “Was that a joke?”
She giggles. “Made you smile, right? ‘Cause I’m not even famous yet?”
Relaxing a little, I look at her and loosen my muscles. “Thank you. I don’t know how I would do this without you.”
“Ice cream and chocolate always work, especially now we’re not filming.”
I sit up opening my eyes wide. “Yes! I need to tell Tami on the way to the interview we need ice cream and chocolate brought to our hotel room for after the interview. Stat!”
“The joys that come with the power of being a superstar.”
I grip her hand. “Just you wait, Cindi Wray, after this movie airs, your name is going to be up in lights.”
The excitement on her face could give the stars in the Milky Way a run for their money she’s shining so bright.
A knock at the door sounds. “Ladies c’mon, the interviewer is waiting,” Julian calls out.
“Let’s go wow them,” she instructs.
“Yes, ma’am.”
ACE
Valentine’s Day
I blow into my hands, my breath not doing anything to warm them as I rub them together to try and ease the chill. It’s twenty-eight degrees give or take, and why the fuck Pyro and Lala wanted to have their wedding in winter is beyond me. Lala must have fucking rocks in her head to want to wear a damn dress today.
The clubhouse is decked out, but it’s totally different from how it was for Foxy and Torque’s wedding. Theirs was casual and relaxed. This, on the other hand, is elegant and fancy. Lala wanted the princess wedding, and she’s fucking gotten it even down to us wearing damn black slacks and black fucking shirts. We’re still wearing our cuts, though. She can’t take that away from us.
I look around the backyard sheltered by a giant gazebo draped with white linens. From the ceiling hang lines of white flowers just above our heads flooding the outdoor room so full of perfume it’s kind of giving me hay fever. But I have to admit it’s fucking pretty if you’re into that sort of shit. The aisle pathway is lined with white carpet that leads to the altar which has an archway covered in the same white flowers that hang from the ceiling. The chairs which sit either side of the aisle are white with a mesh covering making it fucking too fancy if you ask me. I can’t help but wonder how much everyone spent on this shit.
On the edge of the aisle between the path and the chairs is kind of a hedge, a row of flowers, white roses teamed with the same flowers hanging from the roof while sporadic small twigs pop out from the roses. It’s kind of cool-looking. Earthy but elegant. Very fucking Neala. Perfectly princess.
I continue to stand at the back as brothers, old ladies, club girls, and family make their way in, taking their seats. Vibe slides in next to me as we see all the happy people in front of us—couples, families, young love, old love, new love. That shit’s eating at my very soul.
The only saving grace is that Gunner’s made a full recovery from his heart attack and is here to celebrate the festivities with us. We’re happy to have him back even if it’s only in a small capacity—he’s going to be spending all his time with his family now.
“It’s crazy how so many of us are getting hitched, hey brother?” Vibe states.
I scoff. “You’ll be next. I see the way you watch Hayley.”
“Me and Hayley? Maybe. I don’t know, brother, I don’t know.”
I nudge his side as I see Hayley sitting with Ruby as she cuddles into Luc’s side. Seems like the prospect, Luc, and our head club girl are getting along well enough. I don’t see why our youngest club girl, Hayley, couldn’t find happiness with Vibe. Sure, he’s weird. Always has been, but still, he’s a good guy. Hayley could do worse.
“You don’t know if you don’t try. Just don’t leave it too long. If you have so
mething and let it slip away, it fucking stings.”
Vibe grimaces at me. “Yeah, brother, I get it.” He drags his hand through his hair. “Fuck, it’s cold, yes?”
“I’m freezing my balls off out here,” I murmur. I notice Torque, Trax, Armor, and Pyro make their way down the aisle. To my surprise, they’re not wearing their cuts but full-on fucking suits.
A low chuckle flows through the gazebo making Torque turn around glaring at everyone. The area quickly shifts to silence as they make their way up the front. If Torque death-stares you, you shut your damn pie hole.
Surge enters from the side, and he’s not wearing his cut either. Seems like all the wedding party has been roped into the formal wear. But I guess being the princess and having your brothers as the president and VP of the club, your man a patched member, and everyone you know being a part of us, Lala is always going to get exactly what she wants. At least for this one day in her life.
Surge stands tall at the top of the aisle. Since ordaining at Torque’s wedding, he’s kind of made himself available for anyone who now wants his services. Seeing as he’s with Freckles, he’s pretty much Neala’s stepdad. It seems only fitting.
I can’t help but feel a little lost through all this. I know it’s a day of celebrating Pyro and Lala’s love for each other, but everything always comes back to Neve for me. I can’t help but wonder what she’s doing. I know Cindi’s here somewhere. She flew in this morning, but with the preparations and how fucking crazy it’s been around here, I haven’t seen her. I don’t even know what it will be like when I get to chat with her.
Do I ask about Neve?
Do I avoid the topic completely?
Music starts playing distracting me from my unhelpful thoughts as we all turn to see Sparx walking down the aisle with Rix wearing a matching black suit and Grace in the same dress as Sparx. It’s a long, deep red simple dress, and covering Sparx’s shoulders is a white fluffy thing to keep her warm from the winter chill. It kind of reminds me of Christmas even though it’s Valentine’s Day. I guess it’s supposed to be romantic. She’s fucking stunning, though. She always was.
Trax watches his family coming down the aisle, and I can’t help but feel a sense of loss right now.
Seeing Trax watch his fiancée and his children walking toward him with love in his eyes like that, only makes me remember a time when I wanted this with Sparx. Even though this isn’t Trax and Sparx’s wedding, he’s watching her like it should be, and I can’t help but feel like I’ve lost a little piece of everyone I’ve ever cared about.
Sparx to Trax.
Cindi to Hollywood.
And Neve… well, Neve I lost to my past.
Now I think about it even Brody is thinking of leaving.
My chest tightens as I continue to watch the wedding take place. Chloe, Pyro’s cousin, walks down next, her hair growing longer each month. She’s completely cancer free now and fighting fit as she walks wearing the same thing as Sparx carrying a bunch of white roses. Her cute little round face ignites with happiness toward Armor—their bond has grown significantly since they first met. The idea of Pyro’s cousin and his best friend ending up together must have been weird for him. But it’s all worked out okay.
Next comes Foxy. Torque’s now the one in awe as he watches the club’s first Old Lady walking toward him. Their love has never been in doubt. She’s perfect for him, for this club. I just wish I had an opportunity to find my path, to get myself on the right fucking track because the one I’m traveling right now is not working for me.
The music changes, and everyone stands. I turn to see Lala walk in on her mom, Freckles’, arm. I can’t help it as all my negative thoughts wash away. Neala stands at the end of the aisle looking ever the princess winter bride. Her dress is fucking stunning. Tight around her top, fucking poofy at the bottom with jewels and shit on it to give it sparkle, and she’s wearing a small fur jacket to keep her warm.
She’s fucking gorgeous.
Don’t forget the tiny tiara to top it off.
Perfectly princess.
Perfectly Neala.
Perfectly fucking perfect.
I glance back at Pyro to see his eyes misting up. These two went through hell and back to get to this point. If anyone deserves this, they do. I need to enjoy their happiness. As much as I’m hurting, they’re not. I need to embrace that.
Freckles begins walking her only daughter down the aisle. Lala’s face beams in pure elation as my eyes catch with Cindi across the gazebo. She seems happy to see me. Her eyes move back to watch the wedding while I try to take it all in.
Freckles hands Lala to Pyro, who wraps his arms around her waist pulling her to him.
“Now, now, we have plenty to do first. Ease up, brother,” Surge offers making everyone snicker as Pyro doesn’t listen, leaning in and briefly kissing Lala, then whispering something to her. I can’t hear from all the way back here, but I’m sure it’s something about how stunning she is.
The ceremony was kind of cool. Torque didn’t make a scene, but the speeches are yet to be held at the reception dinner, which I’m waiting for now. The bridal party is off getting photos taken while the rest of us sit in the clubhouse waiting for the real party to start. I know I should go find Cindi, but the miserable man in me just wants to drink his damn beer in peace.
Throwing back the dregs of my stein, I exhale wondering what Neve’s doing right now. Does she know Cindi is here with me? Suddenly, a stool beside me drags out, and I turn to see Cindi drop onto it beside me as she pats my shoulder. “Hey there, buddy, don’t you look like shit.”
I scoff out a laugh. “I see Hollywood hasn’t changed you.”
“Well, technically, I haven’t made it in Hollywood yet, not till the movie’s released and people actually like it and my acting, sooo… there’s that.”
I turn to face her. “Cindi, I saw you on set, you nailed your performance. You’re gonna be huge, trust me.”
“Well, I won’t forget where I came from. Don’t worry about that, amigo!”
“You’re so weird.”
Her cheeks raise slightly, but then slowly fall. “How you doing? Really?”
I glance at her sideways with slight hesitation. “How’s Neve?”
Cindi leans in placing her head on my shoulder like she’s relieved I asked as she cuddles into my side. “I’d say ‘bout the same as you. But instead of beer, she’s drowning in ice cream.”
Something floods through me, I’m not sure what it is.
Relief?
Sadness?
Regret?
Knowing Neve’s feeling the same fills me with both sadness that she’s hurting but also happiness to know I’m not alone in this. But I can’t help but feel a slight comic relief at Cindi’s comment. “Julian won’t be happy with Neve eating so much dairy.”
Cindi bobs her head. “You have no idea. She’s trying to exercise more to hide the fact, but the ice cream stains on her sweatpants give it away.”
“She’s eating while exercising?”
Cindi waggles her eyebrows. “Mouthful of ice cream, sit up, ice cream, sit up, and so the rhythm continues.”
I stifle a laugh. “Wow. I thought I was struggling. Maybe I should call her?”
Cindi lifts her head from my shoulder and sighs. “I don’t know what the answer is here. All I know is you two are a pair of miserable fucking bastards without each other. But you know the risks. Being with her, Ace… the press won’t like it. It will ruin her and could cause issues for the club. As it is, if this movie takes my career off, you know what it means for me, too?”
“You’ll have to cut ties with the club.”
Tears form in her beautiful doe eyes. “I don’t want to. You know that. You all gave me so much. Without Torque giving me the push I needed, I wouldn’t have even gotten this role. Leaving you all feels so very wrong.”
“You gotta do you, Cindi Wray. You gotta be the movie star I know you were born to be. Name in lights. Hollywood H
ills. You gotta have it all, girl.”
She sniffs peering into my eyes. “I want you to be happy, Ace. I think the only way for you to be happy is with Neve. And I hate to say this ‘cause I feel like I’m crossing a line by even mentioning it, but maybe you can’t have her…” She hesitates glancing around like she’s checking to see if anyone’s listening, then peers at me with her eyes watering. “Maybe you can’t have her and the club.”
I recoil back, shaking my head. “Do you know what you’re saying?”
Her face scrunches like she knows she’s fucked up. “God, I’m sorry. I know that’s not an option. I merely want you both to be happy. I know you’re not, she’s not… it’s the club that’s in the way.”
“Cindi, you better watch what you’re saying right now. I know you’re not a club girl anymore, but you’re still technically club property. If Torque heard you speaking like this…”
She opens her eyes wide, a tear falling down her face. “I’m sorry. Please know it’s only coming from a good place. I know in my heart you’d never leave the club. I guess… I wanted to find a way for everyone to be happy. I just don’t know how you and Neve can make it work, Ace. I can’t see it.”
I can’t see it either.
There’s only one option for Neve and me to be together, and that’s for me to leave Defiance, but that’s not a fucking option at all.
“I think I need another beer,” I murmur.
“I don’t want shit between us to be strained, Ace. You’re my best friend. I don’t want to lose you over this.”
I glance at her softening my hard stance. “We’re always going to be friends, Cindi. I think right now with the realization Neve and I can’t ever work, I just need a moment.”
Her bottom lip trembles as she stands from the stool swiping at her cheeks. “I’m sorry, Ace, I didn’t come here to ruin things.”
Sighing, I reach out grabbing her hand. “I know. I think deep down I knew Neve and I were done. I was just hanging on. I miss her, Cindi.”