by Alma Nilsson
Jane went into the bathroom and was relieved that both the shower and the toilet remembered her, so they were already adjusted to the right temperature and height, respectively. She thought if one more thing challenged her today before she could relax and catch her breath in the shower, even just the toilet she might cry. Jane quickly got into the shower and let the hot water run over her for so long the computer told her at least three times that she had been in the water too long and that it was harmful to her skin. Jane ignored the computer, she didn’t care. She needed to think, and the best place she thought, besides on her floor with a bottle of whiskey, was in a hot shower. She thought about what Kara might think if she found out about what she and Anu had done. She considered James’s suspicions and wondered how seriously she should consider those moving forward, but mostly she thought about Jei. She couldn’t get Anu’s words out of her head, ‘When people are in love, it’s like a soft sheen of mild madness that surrounds them.’ She had never thought she loved him, an infatuation yes, a little crush, yes, of course. He was the admiral of the most powerful fleet in the galaxy, who wouldn’t have a crush on him? And he had showed her a bit of interest, but that was all, she thought. And then a little nagging voice in her mind said, But what if what you feel is real? And then another voice in her head said, But what if it’s the forget-me-not-drug and they are making me like these Alliance people? That they just didn’t pause the memories of Jim but added something about me liking Alliance people because when the Alliance doctor looked into my mind on the Zuin, he saw how I felt about his people and wanted to change me. Make me more sympathetic to the Alliance and soften my resentment at being put in this situation.
Jane let the dryer do its job after her shower and then exited the bathroom. She took out the one formal Alliance dress she owned and set it on the bed. She had not worn it in over a year, and she had only worn it once before. It had been given to her by the Alliance Empire specifically for Assemblies and religious ceremonies. Today she would be attending the ceremony honoring Admiral Jei. She had been surprised to have been invited, but she didn’t question whether or not she would attend. She just accepted the invitation on her IC. She looked at the dress and wondered if she should have bought something new instead of talking to Doctor Anu. But then she sighed and thought, It doesn’t matter, all the Alliance dresses look more or less the same to me anyway.
Her formal dress was of no real shape and was floor length like all Alliance dresses, but what set this one aside as a formal dress was that it had a pattern of dark leaves blowing in the wind that seemed to pleasantly move across the dress with the light. Jane had investigated the fabric when she first saw it and noticed that the tiniest of mirrors had been sewn into the dress to create the illusion. She had laughed then at the irony of going through the trouble to do all that on just a loose-fitting, unattractive patterned dress, but every culture had its own idea of beauty. And now, a year on, she knew that Alliance women craved comfort before style, and this was why their dresses were all so loose but made of the best materials and what set them apart were the designs or the jewelry you wore with them.
Jane put on her thigh-high Alliance stockings and her human sexy black lace undergarments and couldn’t help but wonder what Admiral Jei would think of these if he were ever to see them. She was aroused just thinking of him seeing her like this and then what would possibly follow. She thought, It’s such a pity that all this effort is hidden under the loose-fitting conservative Alliance dress. Human undergarments were forbidden in the Alliance, but she had bought special prayer candles from the Earth Store to atone for wearing them to be placed in front of the goddess of fertility. She would light one on her way out in the small shrine, as she had to pray today anyway. Onboard the warships, prayers were much more casual, unless you were Admiral Tir trying to force your wife to be religious. However, for most officers, unless they were particularly religious, just passing the shrine on their way somewhere in the corridor was considered prayer. However, on the Alliance Capital Planet, it was required to actually go to the shrine and pray. And your IC monitored it. Jane reckoned; this is how James had become so religious. She had been alone in this house for months with no one but the religious statues as her company.
Jane put her formal dress on over her bra and underwear. “Mirror,” she said, and a full-length mirror appeared. Jane looked at herself and then took out the hairpin Admiral Jei had given her and put it in her longish brown hair now. But it didn’t look quite right. Then she did something she never thought she would ever do. She went into her bathroom and asked, “Mirror, could you do my hair with this hairpin?”
“Yes, Jane,” the bathroom mirror’s light came on, and soon it was displaying different images of Jane’s possible hairstyles. “Please select one of the styles, and I will assist you.”
Jane picked a loose braid with the hairpin at the side.
The bathroom mirror sprouted little arms and managed to do Jane’s hair perfectly with the hairpin.
Jane surveyed her final Alliance look but at the last minute decided to put on just a little bit of make-up. Not much, but just enough to show that she was still human or rather, if she was honest with herself, that she really wanted Jei to see that she could be feminine and beautiful. And then she thought to herself, Oh, you are setting yourself up, this is what a crush feels like. But she couldn’t help herself. She had on her best dress, the hairpin, and some makeup.
After she had finished getting ready, she put on her ID necklace and a ring to complete the outfit. As she went down to House Human’s shrine, she passed some of her wards in the hallway, and they all complimented her on her appearance. It made her feel good that her efforts weren’t in vain. But they complimented her in that way young women who never feel they will get old complement an older woman who has put in the effort. Jane smiled at them and thought, You just wait. It’s not easy to look this good when you’re my age.
Jane entered the small shrine. There were eight statues in the House Human shrine. However, two were the most important to the human women that lived there, and these two goddesses’ statues had at least a hundred little candles in front of them, all burning and melting together in little mounds of white wax, the goddess of home and the goddess of fertility.
Jane stood reverently in front of the goddess of fertility and offered her prayer for wearing undergarments and lit the candle. Then she didn’t know why. She also randomly asked the goddess’s statue, And should I even be looking for love again? I only have months left before I’m ineligible for marriage.
Jane contemplated everything in the quiet of the shrine for a few minutes. She didn’t know what she was waiting for. “Do I really think she is going to reply? She’s just a statue.” Jane chided herself out loud for even speaking to a lifeless statue. But even so she still stood there for some time waiting for something to happen. Jane even closed her eyes and then felt different, she couldn’t describe it, but as she left the shrine, she felt better. But she didn’t dwell on the feeling too much as she wouldn’t want to admit to herself that she was beginning to believe in the pantheon of Alliance gods. She was resolutely human and an atheist.
Jane left House Human with Jei’s guards, as they appeared out of nowhere, just as they always did, but then she reminded herself that everyone in the Alliance was tracked and of course, they would be watching her movements and be ready to leave when she was. This was the kind of seamless interaction she liked about the Alliance. She didn’t even need to greet them or them her. It was all understood. They took the House Rega transport to the Grand City Temple, where there would be a ceremony to honor the god of war and Admiral Jei. Jane didn’t know what to expect. She had never been to a religious ceremony before if you didn’t include marriage ceremonies, and she didn’t. She had only read about religious ceremonies in the Day and from second-hand information from Kara.
Jane had never been to the Grand City Temple before, and it was magnificent. It was, of course, a large yellow
stone building, with many rooms that held giant statues of all the gods surrounded by lit candles.
There seemed to be priests everywhere now. Usually, one only saw priestesses, but Jane surmised that this was a ceremony for the god of war who was male, so it would make sense there would be more men here today.
Jane found the room she was looking for. She was one of the last to arrive. She found a place to stand at the back of the room. She could see the High Priestess of the Grand Temple and a few other priests she didn’t recognize with Admiral Jei at the front of the room at the feet of a massive statue of the god of war. Jei was dressed in what she supposed were ceremonial robes of black and green. Green was the color all the gods wore, and ironically the color slaves were permitted to wear as well. She scanned the other guests or ‘witnesses’ as they were all called, and just like she thought, she was the only human. She was pleased to see some members of the High Council she knew and liked there, including Kes of House Zu. So, she would know someone to talk to during the reception besides Jei.
The ceremony began only moments after Jane arrived. She braced herself for there to be both blood and pain. These were the two elements she had come to expect from every religious ceremony in the Alliance. They seemed to love to torture themselves. Jane reflected that it must be because they want to prove to themselves and others that they really were alive. Humans, of course, expressed this realness in other ways through art and literature. Still, she supposed in the past humans had probably done the same before they had become more sophisticated, creating other forms of expression. The Alliance had never developed any arts, so it held on to these archaic practices of pain and suffering. Jane was at least grateful that this was all happening before the evening meal rather than after it.
Sure enough, after some prayers and lighting some candles, Admiral Jei stripped off his shirt, and two priests began cutting him and filling his blood into a massive silver chalice, which they began to throw around to represent the blood he had spilled all over the galaxy. Jane frowned then and thought, The blood on this man’s hands probably would fill this entire temple. She wondered suddenly if Jei felt at all remorseful for anything that he had done or for any of the deaths he had caused. After a few minutes of watching the ceremony and thinking about it, she decided that there was no way he would feel any remorse because to do that, he would have to consider that the people he conquered or killed were equal to Alliance people. Jane knew that Jei felt there was only one civilization, the mighty Alliance civilization, and that they were better than all the rest as they had been blessed by the true gods. Everything about the Empire was the best. And that there were limits to what their colonies and vassals could do to emulate them, but that no one, but Alliance people, could truly live the good life and walk in the light of the gods. Still, even from that perspective, the people in the colonies and their vassals were expected to try and always be as close to the Alliance culture as possible, even though they would inevitably fail, because they would never be truly Alliance.
Jane tried to pay attention to what was happening in front of her again, just in case people questioned her about it later. She didn’t know if people were going to comment on where the blood was taken from or how much from each place in the reception afterward. One thing she had come to realize about Alliance people is that they could talk about anything, even subjects that humans would never discuss in public. So, she wanted to be prepared. From what Jane could make out, they were taking blood from the sacred areas of the body, the chest, knees, and wrists. Blood was also being taken from other places like his back. Jane didn’t know the significance of those other areas, so she marked it as something she could ask if she ended up in a conversation about blood later. After a while, when the chalice was sufficiently full, they handed it to Admiral Jei, who raised it and said more prayers. Jane was transfixed by this. She didn’t know what he was going to do with the chalice. She watched as he tilted the chalice filled to the rim with his red blood. Maybe Jane was imagining it, but she thought she could smell its coppery scent in the room. She watched Jei carefully now as she had no idea what he was going to do with his blood. He was a bit shaky for someone so big and strong. He was praying and raising the chalice, and she thought, Do not drink that or pour it on yourself. I cannot bear it. Please don’t be so barbaric. But she could not deny that another part of her would find that kind of barbarian behavior sexy. Like an archaic warrior returning from battle with the blood of his enemies on him. Jane tried to focus again on the ceremony and not get taken away with sexy fantasies about her and a bloody warrior in a medieval castle.
Admiral Jei held the chalice for many minutes as the prayers continued. He prayed, as well. Thanking the god of war for his gifts throughout his years in the fleet and Jei asked for the god of war for his favor in the coming years. Jei’s arms wavered from the loss of blood and from the lack of food. He had been fasting for days before this in preparation to present himself at the temple as a humble man. Finally, when Jei didn’t think he could hold the chalice any longer, he handed it back to the High Priestess. He was surprised to catch Jane’s eyes at that moment and see her relief. He wondered then if it had been so evident that he might fail and drop the chalice. He found his second wind then and he urged himself to try harder to impress her further. The High Priestess then poured the blood through the eyes of the massive statue of war. More prayers were said, and candles lit. The room was overwhelmingly rife of the smell of coppery blood, candles, and incense, which smelled more like the petrichor than sweet flowers. More prayers were said, and then finally, after an hour and a half, it was over.
After the ceremony, everyone was directed to a different area of the temple for a reception with food and zota. Jane took a ceramic cup of zota and found Kes.
Kes was more than happy to see Jane, “How are you? I hear you are on the Kzi now? What a pity! You were the only one I trusted to keep an eye on Kara, and now who does she have except my son? And with the child to look after too.”
Jane smiled sympathetically, “I think it’s impossible for anyone to keep an eye on Kara. And, yes, I was transferred.”
Kes leaned in closer and said as if it were a secret, “Not by choice, I understand as well.”
Jane replied, “It was for the purpose of integration.” Jane said the word ‘integration’ in a conspiratorial sort of way, and both women smiled.
“Oh, these men,” Kes remarked. “Although I must say, if I were you and I was forced to integrate at least I could comfort myself knowing that it is at the top level and with one of the most honorable of men in the Empire. Although, who really knows what kind of man he really is? Sometimes he steps outside the lines and tries to push his will on women as if we don’t know what’s best for the Empire. Still, he has done a better job at leading the fleet than any other man in centuries, I guess that is something. That’s why we are here today honoring him after all. You could do much worse.”
Jane was surprised by Kes’s frankness. “I’ve found him to be respectful enough,” Jane replied not knowing what to say in the face of such blatant sexism
“And more?” Kes questioned with a knowing look. Kes had absolutely no doubt that something was going on between Jane and Jei. She could think of no other reason she would move to the Kzi. And she had his personal guards with her. Of course, they were all worried about the humans after what happened to Doctor James. Still, two superior guards from Alliance Planet Two was over the top unless they were romantically involved.
“No more,” Jane answered, but she knew she was blushing, and Alliance people now knew what that meant.
“It’s a pity you fair-skinned humans reveal your emotions with that blood that rushes to your cheeks. Otherwise, I might have believed you. Nice hairpin,” Kes smiled and then walked away.
Jane watched her go and then looked across the crowded room at Jei. He was talking to a woman she didn’t know. And she surprised herself by checking the woman’s left wrist and thought, No, marriage
bracelet, who is that? Before Jane could look at the woman’s ranking jewelry though, another member of the High Council began a conversation with her, and she had to turn away from Jei and the mysterious woman.
Admiral Jei had made the High Priestess wait for Jane before beginning the ceremony. He was so pleased when he saw her slip in the back just half a minute late. Not only did she look gorgeous in a formal Alliance dress, but she was finally wearing the hairpin from Juio’s that he had given to her weeks before.
Throughout the ceremony, he thought of her. And when he caught her compassionate look for him, he wanted to tell her that none of this hurt, as the honor was more significant than the pain and that the pain was the honor.
After the ceremony, there was nothing that Jei wanted more than to speak to her, but he knew people were already gossiping about them. Whispering about his transferring her and ordering his Second Alliance Planet guards to accompany her. And he knew an Alliance woman of Jane’s status would be upset if the gossip columns picked anything up from the reception, so he kept his distance. He consoled himself that there would be a time to speak to her later. Although it was so painful to avoid her. She looked so stunning, and he rarely saw her like this, in women’s clothing. Without even thinking, he would find her in the room, and they would make eye contact for a brief second. He wanted so much to speak to her, but he didn’t want to ruin his chances of pursuing their relationship further because he was unable to control himself now. Think of the gossip columns, he thought, She will think I’m a fool if I risk her name romantically connected with me here today.