by Doyle, S.
“Well, I have something to prove. I have everything to prove. This is it, my way out for me and my family, and you’re asking me to leave it behind on a whim—”
“It’s not a fucking whim!” I shouted. “You don’t want to come, fine. Stay here. Get your degree. Get your job on Wall Street, save the farm, whatever the fuck you think you need to do. But don’t believe for a second I’m not going to do everything I fucking said I would.”
Her bottom lip trembled until she managed to control it. Not before it broke my heart, though.
“You’re angry because I’m not going with you, but you can’t be so cruel as to blame me. You know what I have to do for my family.”
I did. She had to save them. Jules had to save all of them. Wanting her to save me, and me alone, was selfish.
A first-class brain who thought money was going to make all her problems go away. I had money. I had lots of money and it hadn’t changed a damn thing.
This hurt too much. And messing with my emotions was something I couldn’t afford. Not if I hoped to remain in control. I knew she couldn’t come with me. I’d known when I came up here to tell her I was leaving.
I wasn’t even going to ask…but then I did.
“I’ve got to go,” I said. “You have my number.”
“Ethan!”
“What?” I barked.
Now it was her turn to be mad, apparently. “You’re going to leave me, just like that?”
I shook my head. “Not just like that. I’ll call. We’ll continue to write. And I’ll be back when I can prove to you I’m legit because, clearly, you have no faith in me!”
“You’ll forget me,” she said, looking away and shaking her head. “You’ll forget last year ever happened. I’ll just be this person you knew that one year you attended college.”
That was almost funny. “I’ll forget you? My first year of freedom? My first actual friend? Someone who wasn’t paid by parents to talk to me? Someone who had my back? Someone who wouldn’t leave me behind when I was cut off from everything and everyone? No, Jules. As pissed as I am at you right now—and I am pissed—I’m not going to forget you.”
I stepped closer to her then. In her space, forcing her to look at me, her blue eyes so focused on me it was like they could see into my soul. “And you’re not going to forget me, either. In the immortal words of Arnold Schwarzenegger…”
She grabbed my collar and pulled my face down to hers. “Do not fucking say it.”
I smiled. “I’ll text. I’ll call…but I’m not going to lie. I kind of like the letters. We can be like that historical couple…”
“John and Abigail Adams?”
“No, Ronald and Nancy Reagan.”
She huffed out a laugh and that was the point. I gave her a salute then headed for the practical sedan with good gas mileage I’d purchased.
When I turned, she was still standing there watching me, waiting for me to leave.
She didn’t have faith in me yet. I would change that.
11
Year one apart
Jules,
As you can see, I now have an apartment. Seattle is as often described. Gray, wet, but oddly beautiful. And people are nice here in a way I’ve never experienced. Never even imagined. Not even of your Iowanian family I’m sure.
The girl at the Starbucks counter who takes my order asks me how my day is going in a way that seems like she actually cares. It’s unnerving.
Of course I got her number.
I have an apartment. I have a “day” bed. I have two forks, a knife, and a spoon. There is nothing on the walls, so nothing is bothering me…yet.
I have my Macbook Air and my brain. It’s starting to come together.
Ethan
* * *
Ethan,
You’ll be happy to know I drenched your letter in bleach to eliminate the evidence of where you are. It took a while for your parents to find me (sophomore Julie with no last name stumped them) until they brought a photo with them. It was a picture of me I didn’t even know you’d taken that they got from your phone. Next time I catch you taking pictures of me unaware, I’m going to slap you.
Anyway, they found me, they demanded answers, I had none to give them. Do me a favor and send them a letter. Let them know you’re all right. They’re your parents, and as twisted as they might be, they love you. Says the girl who knows what it’s like to lose one.
School is fine. A little empty. A little boring. I’m joining things in an effort to make friends. It’s not working very well. I think I might be…difficult?
Daniel says hey. He broke up with his girlfriend…shocking! He’s dating a senior prelaw. He says his days of NASCAR racing are now behind him and he’s more committed than ever to getting into Harvard Law.
Write back with more words. My letters are always longer than yours. That’s not equal.
Julia
* * *
Harvard
Julia
I was walking to class, huddled in my coat, my hand wrapped around a cup of coffee for the warmth more than anything else. I had about a dozen things that needed to get done before the Christmas break when everything would shut down around the school.
Another year of not going home. Another year of spending the holiday alone.
Ethan had offered to fly me to Iowa, but it felt too much like charity.
A wave of loss came over me and I brushed it aside. He wasn’t here, but it wasn’t like he was ever far away. The letters connected us in a way I didn’t think phone calls or texts would have.
Like we were having these conversations outside of real time and space. Nothing so boring as the daily mundane routine. Instead the letters would come, and it was like getting a glimpse of his life without actually seeing him.
And I would send him only a glimpse of my life because I didn’t want him to know how dull it was without him.
Daniel thought I should stop writing him. Thought our relationship wasn’t exactly healthy. Like I was holding on to something I couldn’t let go of instead of moving forward with my life. Maybe it wasn’t bad advice, but I didn’t take it. Because if I stopped writing to Ethan, he might let me go and I didn’t want to know what that felt like.
“Julia!”
I turned at the sound of my name. It was an older man, in a long wool coat, running toward me. I recognized Edward Moss immediately.
Oh shit, what now? Last year, they’d tracked me down on campus and tried to force me to tell them where Ethan was. Mrs. Moss had been there that day, too, and her crying had almost broken me but, in the end, I wouldn’t betray Ethan.
If they were going to reconcile, that needed to come from Ethan. I think it was that realization that finally convinced them there was nothing I could give them.
I waited until he approached me. “Mr. Moss, if this is about Ethan…”
He held up his hand to cut me off. “It is and it isn’t. I’m not here to ask you where he is. I just…you’re still communicating with him?”
I nodded.
“How…how is he?”
“He’s fine. I’ve told him to write to you. To let you both know he’s okay. Maybe this Christmas,” I said lamely.
He shoved his hands deep into the pockets of his wool coat. The gesture reminded me of Ethan.
“Are you going home for the break?” he asked me.
I shook my head. “No.”
“Rachel thought…well, this might seem crazy, but you’re the only link we have to him. If he isn’t going to talk to us, we thought…we thought maybe you could spend time with us. Share what’s happening in his life with us. And we could share what’s happening in our life so that you can tell him. Come for Christmas.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Mr. Moss,” I said.
“Please. Rachel is despondent. She has been for over a year and I can’t do anything to fix it. If you’re there, she’ll feel connected to him and she needs that desperately. I’m a proud man, Julia. Too
proud, which is why I screwed everything up with Ethan, but I’m not too proud now to beg. Come for Christmas. Spend it with us. Please.”
I gulped. Refusing him seemed cruel. “Okay. I’ll come. Spend the day. Will that work?”
His shoulders slumped in clear relief and he nodded. “Thank you. Thank you so much.”
I was going to kill Ethan the next time I saw him. Whenever that might be. Dinner with the Mosses was going to be nothing but seriously awkward, but there was no way I could refuse them.
“We should have known,” he said, after a minute. “From the very beginning Ethan was different. His intellect…it was nearly frightening in its intensity. The mood swings could be so extreme. I thought…I always thought I was doing the right thing. Up until the moment I knew I’d done everything wrong.”
I didn’t have any response to that, mostly because I thought it was true. It was easy for Ethan to think his father was a villain but, in the end, he was just a super uptight guy trying to parent the only way he knew how.
“When you write to him…let him know, please, that we love him very much. I didn’t say it. Never once. Thought it was silly, really. Those kinds of sappy words, but now I see…that you have to tell people how you feel, or they might not know it.”
Yeah, I knew that. Because I hadn’t told my dad that I loved him enough times. And then he was dead and that was it. All my chances to tell him how I felt were gone.
“I will.”
He nodded. Satisfied. “We’ll see you Christmas?”
“Yes,” I said. “I’ll be there.”
Another brisk nod. “Then I’ll leave you to it. We’ll send a car.”
“That isn’t necessary,” I told him. I could borrow Daniel’s.
“Please, humor an old man.”
“Sure,” I said. His smile was short, but it’d been there. I would tell Ethan that, too. That I’d made his father happy by accepting his offer.
With a wave he left me and I wondered exactly what I’d gotten myself into.
* * *
Year two apart
Jules,
This is it. I’ve got it. Automated blood tests that can be done at your local pharmacy.
Brilliant!
Ethan
* * *
Ethan,
Elizabeth Holmes.
I told you about not wearing turtle necks.
She’s in jail.
She’s in jail.
Also, you didn’t write your parents like I told you to. Your father came to campus to ask me to visit for Christmas. They really miss you. And he told me tell you how much they love you. I believed him. I did, Ethan.
Anyway, I’m telling them everything about you except where you are. You can’t be mad about that.
Write back with more than lame, recycled ideas like Theranos.
Julia
* * *
Jules,
You’re going to see my parents. Okay, fine. Just don’t let my father prescribe anything for you. You probably don’t know this but “difficult” can be cured with a pill. My mother’s smothering only ever stifled me, though, so you shouldn’t be in too much danger from her.
I’ll call them. I will. I wanted…to have something more tangible to tell them. But if they are desperate enough to seek you out, I guess I can’t put it off any longer. I never thought they didn’t love me…just that they didn’t understand me. And that they couldn’t control me. Not the way they wanted to.
But enough of that. The problem wasn’t with Holmes’s idea, it was the execution and the fact that she was a lying con artist.
The software simply needs to be perfected. Software is something I can do in my spare time. It’s not the big idea though…
Are you ready for this?
I’m going to reinvent air travel. I need capital to do it. But I think the time is right.
That’s the future. That’s our future, Jules.
Ethan
* * *
Year three apart
Ethan,
I took an internship at Deutsche Bank. Don’t be mad.
Julia.
* * *
Jules,
Good, get them to stop laundering money for the Russians and do NOT end up in JAIL.
You won’t need your internship for long. I’m putting together the company structure now. It’s just a matter of time.
Watch the news…
Ethan
* * *
Ethan,
You didn’t write back after my last letter. Was it because of that guy I told you about? You always get weird when I tell you I’m seeing someone, yet you literally sent me a letter listing five women you’d slept with in a single week. That was the entire letter. The five women you slept with. Anyway Gary (and YES Gary is a real name for someone age 22) is gone.
(Stop snickering.)
So why aren’t you writing me? WRITE ME!!!!
Julia
* * *
Jules,
So this is weird. I’m at your family’s for Christmas and you’re at mine again this year. It’s nice that the proximity is working out for us, but I still think you’re an asshole for not taking my money to fly you home. I’m a poor substitute for you. I can see it on your mother’s face.
You were correct in your predictions. I did have to fix all the clocks in the house, your mother did make me look at her checkbook to see if it balanced, and I was made to eat ridiculous amounts of apple pie.
Your brothers kept asking me if I was ever on that show The Big Bang Theory. Why do they think I was on that show?
John drinks too much. But you know that, don’t you?
The financials for the property aren’t great but they’re doing okay. I’m not liking the way the chemical suppliers and corn buyers are consolidating in ways to make competition almost nonexistent for them. Farmer suicides are at an all-time high in this country. Did you know that Iowa is the first state to hold political primaries? They want me to go to a town hall meeting, but I don’t have time for politics.
I’m not looking for sides.
Still keep watching the news. I’m getting closer. And tell my parents…Merry Christmas.
Ethan
* * *
Ethan,
So Christmas was not fun at all. Your mom spent it crying. Again! I can’t do this anymore. I am definitely a poor substitute for you. I think you’ve punished them enough, don’t you? Let them off the hook. Come see them. Or let them come see you.
You’re going to regret this. At some point when they’re gone, you’re going to think about these years with them you lost.
Anyway, thank you for the gift. The sweater is lovely. Did you get my gift? You said that’s what you wanted, but it felt strange. I don’t know why.
Sorry, this letter isn’t going to make you happy. I’m laying on the guilt I know, but still I had to say it.
Julia
* * *
Jules,
Yes, I got the gift. Thank you. Not sure what was so strange about sending me a picture. I haven’t seen you in three years. Just wanted to make sure you hadn’t done something crazy like tattoo your face or shave your head.
And yes, I’m going to avoid the topic of my parents because it’s complicated and messy and I don’t think clearly when I let the complicated and messy stuff inside my head.
I called them. Isn’t that enough for you? Because that’s who I’m doing this for.
Ethan
* * *
Ethan,
Are you coming to my graduation?
Julia
* * *
Jules,
No.
Ethan
* * *
Ethan,
You’re an ass.
I DON’T forgive you.
Julia
* * *
Jules,
Never said I wasn’t.
I DON’T believe you.
Be ready.
Ethan
* * *
<
br /> A few months after graduation
New York
Ethan
“Over here,” I told the cab driver. He’d barely pulled over before I hopped out onto a narrow street in Park Slope, Brooklyn.
I looked up at the last address she’d written me from. She’d gotten an entry-level job at one of the top-end sell and research brokerage firms. Enough that she could afford to rent in Park Slope.
She was probably making more money now than her father had ever conceived of in his lifetime and I knew she was sending what she wasn’t paying in rent back to her mother on the farm.
It hadn’t been enough. Her mother was drowning faster than Jules could keep up. In the years I’d been trying to help Ellen with her books, it had been painfully easy to see.
But that didn’t matter now. I’d already taken care of it. The Whitfords weren’t going to lose the farm or the house and Julia could be as angry as she wanted to be at me, but I didn’t care.
All that mattered now was what came next.
Standing outside the entrance to the brownstone, I thought of how this might go. What I was supposed to say. What she might say.
I told myself I hadn’t gone to her graduation because I knew my parents would be there. Either for her or because they anticipated I wouldn’t miss it, I didn’t know. Graduation meant nothing to me. Her years in school were just something she had to do. Something I had to let her do.