“Then you did meet her and still listened to the messages she left for her dead boyfriend.”
Fuck. When she says it out loud, it sounds awful. I cringe. “Yes.”
Lisa rubs her temple. “This is all kinds of fucked up. And Sierra has no idea at all?”
“No.”
“You need to tell her. Or I will.”
Chapter 29
Sierra
“Let me look at it one more time,” I tell Chase and turn on the flashlight on my phone. We just got out of the shower, and I’m not convinced he is ‘fine’ like he says he is. I make him lay down on his bed so I can inspect the incision site.
“See? Told you it’s fine. I didn’t split my skin open.”
“You’re lucky.”
“Yeah,” he agrees. “I probably am.” He pulls the blankets down and waits for me to get in bed next to him, spooning his body around mine. He’s been quiet since he came up from the bar, which was why I thought he might be hurt and didn’t want to tell me. He said he felt bad for what happened, was pissed at Jax for not being more careful, and was worried I was hurt, if not physically, then mentally. That asshole did grab me, after all. I was really shaken up. Seeing them go after Chase and make threats against me was upsetting. And scary. Very scary. The moment he grabbed my arm and yanked me forward, terror filled me. Yet I knew Chase was there to protect me.
It wouldn’t be the first time he saved me.
“I love you, Sierra,” he whispers, nuzzling his lips into my neck. My heavy eyelids close, and I’m asleep in minutes.
At three in the morning, I get up needing to pee. “I thought this only happened when you have a big belly,” I grumble and slowly get out of bed. The cramps are back and the moment I get up, I know something is wrong. “Chase,” I say sharply. “Chase!”
“What’s wrong?” he asks, shooting up from a dead sleep and reaches for my spot in the bed. “Sierra?
I move my hand down between my legs and feel wetness. I’ve never in my life wished to have peed my pants before, but right now, I do. Though I know what it is, and my full bladder reminds me that I haven’t yet gone.
“I’m bleeding,” I say, voice a hollow whisper.
“Where?” Chase asks before he gets it. “Fuck. No.” He’s out of bed, turning on the light, and in front of me in just seconds. I hold out my hand, fresh blood on my fingers. The sight of the shiny crimson on my fingertips makes me dizzy. I wobble on my feet and if it weren’t for Chase, I’d pass out onto the floor.
“We need to go to the hospital,” Chase says. I nod but don’t move. He helps me to the bed and goes to his dresser, pulling out a pair of clean pajama pants. He leads me into the bathroom and brings me a towel. I pee, clean myself up, and get redressed.
If I hadn’t taken that test a few days ago, I would have thought this was my period. I would have been relieved, although embarrassed, to wake up in a puddle of blood in Chase’s bed. Though if I didn’t know I was pregnant, I might have gone out drinking with Lisa tonight and not be in Chase’s bed right now at all.
Chase helps me into the car and fiddles with the radio on the long drive to the hospital. My cramps intensify, and I hope the folded-up washcloth is enough. I didn’t bring any pads or tampons to Chase’s, and he, of course, doesn’t have any.
Chase takes one hand off the wheel and grips my thigh. “It’ll be okay. Whatever happens, it’ll be okay,” he says, echoing the same words he said when we were waiting for the test.
“Yeah.” I close my eyes and look at Chase. “It will.”
* * *
“Let’s go home,” Chase says softly, standing and coming over to the hospital bed. After an hour in the ER, we were told there was nothing that could be done. I had an early miscarriage. The doctor was surprised I even had symptoms and said many women who lose a pregnancy this early don’t even realize it, thinking they just had a late period. Medically, I’m perfectly healthy. The doctor even said we could ‘start trying again next cycle’ if we wanted to.
Falling didn’t make me lose the baby. I didn’t fall hard enough to hurt myself, and this early in pregnancy, there’s nothing yet to come detached, like there is with a baby further along. Still, Chase was overcome with guilt and needed to be assured again and again by the nurse that me tripping over a chair and landing on my butt wasn’t the reason for this.
I take Chase’s hand and get up, not talking as we go back to his car. He opens the door for me and gets in the driver’s seat with a sigh. I look down, arms wrapped tightly around myself.
“Sierra,” he says gently and takes my hand. “I love you. I want to make sure you know. No matter what, I love you and always will.”
Tears fill my eyes. “I love you, too.” I squeeze his hand and pull my seatbelt on. My head is spinning. I’m tired, which always makes me emotional. And I’m not sure how to feel right now. I’d only known I was pregnant for a few days. We didn’t try for a baby. We didn’t want this to happen. Having a baby right now would have fucked up our lives in more ways than we could think. Chase and I haven’t been together that long, and there’s a lot to be worked out before having a child together. Not having a baby should be a good thing. We can consider it again when the time is right. Years from now. After a wedding or once we move in together.
But I’m sad.
Really, really fucking sad.
I wish I hadn’t taken that stupid test.
I stare out the window the whole way back to Chase’s house.
“Are you okay?” he asks when we park.
“I think so. Are you?”
“No,” he answers, and it jars me. “I know the timing was all wrong, but I was starting to become okay with it. I’m sad. More than I thought I’d be.”
“Me too,” I say. And then I start crying. Chase helps me out of the car and wraps his arms around me, holding me as I sob. We’re in the parking lot of The Mill House, and the rushing water from the river echoes through the silent early morning.
“I love you,” he whispers. “I always will.”
“I love you too,” I say back between sobs. “I’m sorry I lost…I lost…” My words dissolve into tears.
“I never once thought it was your fault,” he goes on. “You heard the doctor. Sometimes it just happens and there’s no real reason. Don’t be sorry.”
I inhale sharply. “I don’t understand why this keeps happening. Lisa said I’m not cursed but I think I really am.”
“Curses aren’t real,” he soothes. “You’re not cursed.”
“It feels that way.”
“It might now, but it won’t forever,” he whispers and cups my face with his hands. He brushes away my tears and kisses me. “Let’s go to your house. It’s been a long fucking night.” We go around back and I sit on the rock overlooking the river while Chase gets his stuff from inside. I don’t say a word on the short drive to my house. The sun is up and I pull all the shades once we get inside.
“We need to talk about it.” Chase opens the fridge and pulls out a bottle of wine. “Maybe not now, but tomorrow.”
“Yeah. I know.”
He sets two glasses on the table and fills them. I pick mine up and take a gulp.
“You know what’s weird?” I start and take another drink. “If I didn’t take that test, we wouldn’t be sad. If I would have waited another few days to see if my period started, I would think this was all it was.”
Chase nods. “Yeah. That’s true.”
“I wish I hadn’t taken it. Because I did think about us together with a baby. I felt something for whatever I thought was growing inside of me.” I bring the glass to my lips and drain it. I set it down on the table and exhale, waiting for the alcohol to kick in and numb the pain.
“I did too. When I was holding my nephews today…” He trails off and finishes his wine. “Let’s go to bed.”
I nod and follow him into the bedroom. We snuggle close together, and the booze hits me. My lashes are wet with tears and my eyes feel swoll
en from crying. Chase pulls me onto his chest and runs his fingers up and down my arm until I fall asleep.
* * *
Having chugged a big glass of wine before bed, I once again wake up having to use the bathroom. Chase is still sleeping, and I worry about him overdoing it. He’s still recovering and getting in a fight was the last thing he needed.
It’s early in the morning, and we’ve only been asleep for a few hours. I go into the bathroom and turn on the shower. I strip from my clothes and pull my hair into a messy bun on the top of my head and look at myself in the mirror as I wait for the shower to warm up.
My hands land on my abdomen and my bottom lip quivers. Dizziness crashes down on me, brought on by a whirlwind of emotions. The fact that I had gotten pregnant hits me, and all the consequences of an unplanned pregnancy play out in my head.
Telling my parents.
Going to church with my growing belly.
Making room in this small house for Chase and our baby.
Figuring out how to work and raise a child.
Would I have a wedding? I’ve dreamed about and planned my wedding for years. Small and intimate. Whimsical but not over the top. We’d have the ceremony in the church and an outdoor reception at the family farm, with big white tents set up and our horses grazing in the background.
I get into the shower and sink down, letting the warm water wash over me. I thought about my wedding a lot before Jake died. We’d been together almost two years. I assumed a proposal was in the making. Jake was a practical person, thoughtful but not exactly romantic. Still, I did quite a bit of pinning on Pinterest, and my dream wedding is still in the back of my mind.
I cover my mouth with my hands, muffling a sob. I don’t want to wake Chase up. The image of his face flashes before me, and my heart lurches in my chest. As hard as I try not to compare Jake to Chase, I can’t help but feel the difference between the two. Everything with Jake was logical and calculated. Our relationship made sense, the sex was good, and we got along in most aspects. There is no doubt in my mind that we didn’t love each other with all our hearts.
But Chase…I love him with all of my heart and every piece of my soul. Chase is unpredictable. Wild. Dangerous. There’s no logical reason for us to be together.
And yet we are.
I close my eyes and lean into the water, feeling it drip down my face. Having a baby with Chase right now would be terrible timing. Sometimes the most terrible things are the most beautiful.
A shudder goes through me and I mourn more than the loss of the little life I had inside me. I mourn the loss of what could have been. The unconventional start to a family. The awkward family dinners and even the judgmental stares from people as we walk through town, pushing our baby in a stroller as we walk.
I feel like my body betrayed me and wasn’t enough. I know what the doctor said—and what Chase reminded me—but it does little to comfort me. No, this pregnancy wasn’t planned, but it doesn’t make losing it any easier.
When my fingers start to get wrinkly, I get up and wash myself, and then get out and dressed. I feed the cats and take an Advil for the pain. My cycles have never been regular. Ever. I’ll go weeks without a period and then get hit with a horrible heavy one, getting practically bedridden from pain. Then the next will be twenty-eight days later and super light. I started taking birth control as a teen to regulate my cycle and to deal with the pain. I pour myself another glass of wine and down it, and then get back into bed with Chase.
“Hey, babe,” he says sleepily. “Are you okay?”
“I don’t know,” I say, being completely honest. “Physically, I’m fine.”
“What about emotionally?” Chase pushes himself up. His hair is messy and there are pillow creases on his cheek. I’m so damn attracted to him even now, though sex is the last thing on my mind.
“I keep thinking of what could have been. I mean, I know this wasn’t what we expected. At all. It would have been hard and trying, and yet I’m sad it’s not going to happen.”
“It still can,” Chase says and puts his arms around me. “Maybe not right now, but later. And next time we can do it on purpose. It hurts now, but it’ll get easier. I know you’ve heard that before.”
“I have.”
“You’re not alone, Sierra. You will never be alone. I’m here. I’ll always be here.”
Tears fall from my eyes and Chase pulls me to him, cradling me against his chest. I relax against him and feel the wine hit me. I’m half-asleep only moments later.
And someone is knocking on my door.
“I’ll go,” Chase says, moving away. On an empty stomach, the wine gets to me harder than before. I’m drunk. All I want is to succumb to the darkness and fall back into sleep. Time slips away and what feels like just a second later, Chase is in the room. “Your mom’s here.”
“Why?” I grumble.
“She heard about the bar fight.”
“Mother fucker,” I say into the pillow. Chase helps me to my feet and I wobble as I walk, grimacing from the sunlight. Mom is standing in the living room, perched on the edge of the couch. Her hair is done and she’s dressed in designer clothes.
“Sierra,” she gasps when I stumble into the room. “You look terrible.”
“Thanks, Mom. Tell me how you really feel.”
“Lisabeth DeGraw told me about the fight at The Mill House last night. And how you were involved. Are you okay?”
I shrug, trying to copy Chase’s signature move. In my mind, it was a flawless copy. But in real life, I looked like I was having some sort of convulsion. “I’m alive, right?” I sit heavily on the couch.
“What happened?”
“There were some guys. They got mad. And Chase stopped them.” I look at Chase, realizing for the first time that he’s only wearing pajama pants. My mother hates tattoos and is getting a good display of Chase’s inked skin.
“I heard they were there because of you,” Mom says pointedly, looking right at Chase.
“Mom,” I whisper through clenched teeth.
Chase’s brow furrows and he nods. “They were.”
“Sierra could have gotten hurt,” Mom snaps. “One of them grabbed her.”
“They didn’t hurt me, Mom,” I snap. Something else hurt me, and the hurt is running deeper than I ever imagined. I spring to my feet. The wine paired with bleeding from the miscarriage makes me dizzy. My eyes flutter and I sink back to the couch.
Mom is too busy staring daggers at Chase to notice. “They could have hurt her. Easily. None of this would have happened if you hadn’t come to this town. I knew you were bad news the moment I laid eyes on you. If you care about my daughter at all, you’ll stay far away from her.”
The pain etched on Chase’s face breaks my heart all over again. I turn to my mother, eyes blurring with tears.
“I will talk to you later,” she says to me and then walks out the door. I take in a shaky breath and clutch my heart. Chase is next to me in seconds, and I bury my head in his neck.
“You’re drunk.”
“I’m not drunk enough.”
“You have more wine in the fridge.”
I pull back, staring at him quizzically. “You’re not going to tell me to lay off the alcohol?”
He shakes his head. “Not now.” He kisses my forehead and leaves, returning with a bottle of sweet red wine.
“Nocturne Acres,” he reads. “I’ve never heard of that.”
“My family owns a vineyard in California,” I say and take the wine from him. I don’t waste time with a glass. I chug it right from the bottle. Chase takes the bottle from me and brings it to his lips. He sets it down on the coffee table, out of my reach.
“I’m sorry for all the shit that happened, Sierra.”
“Don’t be. And don’t let my mom get to you. That’s how she is to everyone. Manipulative and judgmental. You’re not bad news.”
“Maybe I am,” he says so softly I almost don’t hear him. “I never meant to hurt you, Sier
ra.”
“I know. You didn’t know those guys were going to show up.”
“Right. Those guys.”
I lean over Chase, reaching for the bottle. I have a sense he’s talking about something else, but in that moment, my brain goes to self-preservation mode. I need another few swallows of wine so I can pass out.
“You need to take your medicine,” I say and move away from Chase. I wobble when I stand, having to put my hand on the wall to steady myself as I move into the kitchen. Chase isn’t supposed to take the antibiotics on an empty stomach. I open the fridge and pull out eggs.
“What are you doing?” he asks, standing in the threshold of the kitchen.
“Making breakfast.”
“I’ll do it. You can lay down.”
I shake my head. “I want to stay busy.”
“Okay.” Chase comes into the kitchen with me, and we work together to make breakfast. I drink half the bottle of wine as I cook, and make it through a plate of scrambled eggs before I’m feeling sick. Chase takes me to the bedroom and tucks me in. The world spins around me and I close my eyes.
Chase sits next to me, giving me a kiss before he gets under the blanket too. “When you’re ready, we need to talk,” he says softly. “And remember my promise. I will always love you.”
Chapter 30
Chase
Maybe I should have cut her off and not let her have that second glass of wine. I don’t know how to handle this, and my mind is all fucking over the place.
I need to tell her about the voicemails.
My heart breaks to see Sierra hurting.
I wish we were still having a baby.
I rub my temple and look at Sierra. She’s sound asleep—as she’s been for the last three hours—next to me in her bed. She looks at peace now, and I wish so fucking bad that same peace will carry on into the day when she wakes.
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