“I need some time alone.”
“I’ll go downstairs and wait. I’ll be there, whenever you’re ready.”
“No. Leave. Please. If you love me like you say you do, then go.”
Tears fill my eyes. I’ve never cried in my adult life before. “I do love you.”
“Then go.”
I look down and feel a tear roll down my cheek. I angrily brush it away and go through the crawlspace. I leave the trapdoor open, hoping to get some fresh air inside the hidden room to keep Sierra from getting overheated.
I stand, feeling dizzy. I want to tell myself things will be okay. That Sierra will be upset and mad at me for a while but will understand. I didn’t do anything on purpose to hurt her. Yet the betrayal and invasion of privacy is blatant and I have no excuse for what I did.
I fucked up, and it cost me the love of my life.
The world spins around me and my vision blurs from the tears that are pooling in my eyes. Somehow, I make it down the stairs and onto the porch. Lisa is sitting on the bench, holding one of the many decorative pillows Sierra set out. Her eyes are wet from crying.
“Chase,” she starts and stands. “I didn’t know.”
I turn to her, unable to hide the incredible pain on my face.
“No,” she says and starts crying. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s too late,” I croak out and turn away. I get into my car and lose the battle against my emotions. I pull out of the driveway and speed down the private road, not stopping until I’m in the parking lot of The Mill House.
I get out and look at the familiar brick building. The sound of the river, once calming, sounds foreign.
This place is no longer home.
Chapter 31
Sierra
I flip open the pocketknife and look at the blade. It’s dull from use over the years but still gets the job done. I bring my finger to the tip, feeling the sharpness of the metal. I press it into my skin, welcoming the pain.
My head drops and I close my eyes. Tears rain down on the box in front of me. It’s Monday morning, and I’m alone at The Book Bag. A big shipment of signed books just arrived, and I should be ecstatic.
I cannot stop crying.
I miss Chase.
I miss his arms around me. I miss the way he made me laugh. I miss how safe I felt with him snuggled up next to me at night.
I miss the way I trusted him.
I miss the lie he led me to believe.
I just miss him.
My body shudders from a sob, and the dull blade slices into my skin. Warm blood pools on the tip of my finger, dripping down onto my hand. I watch it, knowing I should get up and wash the cut, yet I’m unable to move.
My phone rings again, for the tenth time this morning. Chase keeps calling, and I haven’t answered. He leaves a message every time he calls, and I don’t know if he’s trying to be ironic or not. I haven’t listened to a single message. It’s like the rug’s been pulled from beneath my feet, and the man I thought I knew and loved is a different person. The betrayal runs deep, and it’s not something I can look past. Not yet at least.
Everyone warned me about him.
They said he was dangerous.
I guess they were right.
My finger starts to throb. I set the knife on top of the box and get up, going through the store to the backroom. I wash out the cut, watching the water push the flap of skin back. I’m too numb inside to react. I wait until the water running off my hand goes from red to clear, and then I bandage my finger up and go back to the storefront and open the box. Burying myself in work is what got me through the aftermath of losing Jake. As long as I have the store, I can keep my mind busy enough to get by.
Maybe.
Doubtfully.
Because it feels like everything inside of me is dead. It won’t take long before it starts to fester and rot away.
I take a stack of Scarlett Levine’s latest book and start putting them away on the shelf when someone comes into the store.
“Sierra?” Lisa calls. “I brought you coffee.” She comes around the aisle and extends a to-go cup.
“You can put it on the counter,” I answer flatly.
“Okay.” She sets it down and picks up my phone. “Chase is calling you.”
“Yeah,” I say and move books around and feel Lisa’s eyes on me. She came in after Chase left yesterday and told me about their talk. How he said he’d come clean but wanted to wait. How sorry she was because she had no idea I’d gotten pregnant…and then lost it.
“Are you not talking to him?”
“No.”
“Maybe you should. You should deal with the loss together.”
Something inside of me snaps. “Stop telling me what I should do.”
“I just think—”
“Stop!” I throw my hands up. “Just go.”
“Sierra, please. I’m so sorry.”
“You should be!” I spit. “What Chase did was wrong and I’d feel the same no matter when he told me, but he asked you to wait because he knew what I was already going through. You were so hellbent on making him be the bad guy you didn’t listen. You didn’t care about anyone other than yourself.”
“That’s not true.” She shakes her head back and forth. “I was worried about you. I didn’t want you to get hurt and that’s exactly what he did.”
“But I didn’t need to know right now!”
“Then when? You had to know, Sierra.”
“Did I?” I ask as the tears start to fall. I wrestled with this all night, wishing that I didn’t know the truth and could have fallen asleep in Chase’s arms once again. Painful cramps kept me up all night, and the hurt ran so deep I wasn’t sure if I would make it through the night.
I wasn’t sure I wanted to.
“If I could take it back, I would. Please, Sierra,” Lisa cries. “I’m so sorry.”
“You can’t take it back,” I say slowly and turn, going back to my box of books. My entire body hurts from how much I wish things could go back. The man that I love kept a detrimental secret from me. My best friend was so blinded by hate she hurt everyone in her path.
“Chase is hurting too,” Lisa reminds me as if I forgot. “And I know he feels bad. I really think you should talk to him. What happened, happened to both of you.”
“So now you’re Team Chase?” I bring another stack of books out of the box and whirl around, glaring at Lisa.
“No, well, yes. I…I just—”
“You want to make yourself feel better,” I snap. “But it’s too late for that.”
“I want you to feel better! I didn’t know. I was wrong. I should have listened to Chase when he told me to wait. I should have trusted that he would really tell you. It’s so much at once, and I’m worried about you, Sierra.”
I close my eyes, trying to stop more tears from forming. I believe that Chase loves me. I know he regrets keeping the messages once he knew they were mine. If he listened to them all before he knew me, would it have been different?
If I got a phone with messages still on it, I’d listen too.
Should I answer the next time he calls? I miss him. I need him. Yet I feel so betrayed. I look at Lisa and another wave of heartache comes over. These are things we’d have a heart-to-heart about.
It’s like she betrayed me too.
And it’s too much. I don’t know how much longer my heart can take this pain before it gives out.
“Don’t you have to be at work?” I ask her with no emotion in my voice.
Her bottom lip quivers and she cries as she turns to leave. As soon as she’s out the door, I break down sobbing. I’m crying so hard I don’t hear the bell ring as the door opens, or hear someone come into the store. A heavy hand lands on my back, and for a split second, I think it’s Chase.
My heart flutters and I feel relief. I need him. I turn and see Wyatt.
“Sierra?” he asks. “What’s wrong?”
“Oh,” I say and sniffle. I close my ey
es and turn away, using my T-shirt to dry my face. “Sorry. I didn’t hear you come in.”
“Are you okay?”
I force a smile. “I will be.” I try to compose myself and fail. Wyatt takes me in his arms, which only makes me miss Chase even more. It’s a strange, painful feeling. When Jake died, I longed to hug him one more time.
But I couldn’t.
I wish so badly to feel Chase’s embrace. He can wrap his arms around me.
But he shouldn’t.
I suck in a sob and take in a steadying breath. Wyatt holds me tight and I have to push to break away. “Thanks. I’m okay. I, uh, I was reading a really sad book.”
Wyatt looks at me unblinking. Then he smiles. “Wow. I wish I could get into books that much.”
“Yeah, they’re powerful. Can I help you with something?” I walk past him to the counter, getting a tissue and the coffee Lisa brought.
“My grandma wants more books by the same author.”
“Sure. What’s the author’s name?”
“I don’t remember. It was that book you recommended for her birthday.”
“Ah. I remember now.” I blow my nose and take a sip of coffee and cross the store, picking up a book from the box. “This just came in this morning. And this one is signed.”
“Great. You’re making me the most popular grandkid, you know.”
I fake a laugh and ring Wyatt up. He looks down at my phone when a text comes through. “Someone misses you,” he teases, seeing the missed calls and texts from Chase. My heart aches.
“Yeah. He does.”
* * *
“Ah, Sierra, dear,” Mrs. Williams says, shuffling into the store. She uses a cane when she walks now, and her bad hip seems to be getting worse and worse. I’m just about to close down for the day and wasn’t expecting to see her.
“Hi, Mrs. Williams. What are you doing here?”
She smiles, brown eyes gentle. “We need to talk, honey.”
“That’s never good.”
“You’re not being fired,” she goes on with another smile. “But I am putting the store up for sale.”
My mouth opens and it takes a second before the words come out. “You are?”
“It’s time for me to retire, dear. I’ve been trying to convince JJ for a while to take over the family business, but he wants to follow in his father’s footsteps instead and reopen the garage. I’m going to use the money I get from the building for this new business venture.” She lifts her gaze. “Nothing would have made him happier than seeing that car shop open again.”
I smile right back at her, and it’s my first genuine smile of the day. “He would have loved it.”
“I’ve already gotten things in order, and the official listing goes up tomorrow. You know how real estate is around here. It might be a while before we find a buyer, but I wanted to tell you before the for-sale sign goes up. I know you love this place.”
The words sit on the surface of my mind but haven’t sunk in yet. I need to keep them there, or else I’ll break down. And there’s nothing else to break.
“It’s been a long time coming,” Mrs. Williams goes on. “I’ve been considering this or well over a year now but kept finding reasons to hold on a while longer. Seeing you happy was the final push I needed.”
“Me?”
“Yes, you. You love this place just as much as I do, and before…before I couldn’t do that to you, dear.”
I work hard to keep the tears from flowing. I was happy, and it all got swept away in an instant.
“You shouldn’t have put off retirement for me.”
Mrs. Williams looks around the store. “It’s been hard for me to let go. Bringing books to this small town was a dream of mine when I was a child.”
“Maybe the buyer will keep it as a bookstore.”
“Maybe. But not if they’re interested in making money,” she adds with a laugh and pats my hand. “You look tired, honey.”
“I am.”
“Busy getting in more bar fights?”
“You heard about that?”
Mrs. Williams laughs. “Who hasn’t? And I heard how that boyfriend of yours is quite protective of you.”
I can’t think about it or else I’ll cry. “He is,” I say and feel the switch flip back to where it was before I met Chase, back when I thought I was broken and incapable of feeling joy ever again.
A deep sadness comes over me, not because of recent events, but because this time I know that switch is never going the other way ever again.
Chapter 32
Chase
I sit on the rock looking out at the river. Sunlight reflects off the shiny surface, blinding me. My eyes water from the harsh light, my legs ache from sitting still, and my head pounds. Yet I don’t move. I stay here, hot, hungry, and uncomfortable with no plan to move.
I deserve this punishment and more. I fucked up. I didn’t just lose Sierra, I hurt her even more than she’s already hurting. My whole life has been filled with moments I’m not proud of, but I’ve never regretted anything like I do right now.
I want to make things right.
Blinking, I look away from the water and down at my phone. Sierra won’t answer my calls, not that I really expected her to, and hasn’t texted me back. I call her, and her phone rings once before she declines my call. My heart lurches at the sound of her voice, telling me to leave a message and she’ll call me back as soon as she can.
“Sierra,” I start. “It’s been over a day since I’ve seen you, and it already feels like a lifetime. I miss you. I’m sorry.” I close my eyes, imagining she’s in front of me.
“I got the scar on my back when I broke into a lake house in Utah to take a portrait that was supposed to go to the wife in the divorce. Her ex-husband wasn’t supposed to be there. I felt sorry for him. His wife married him for his money, cheated, and took him to the cleaners at court. He was no match for a fight, so I let him take one swing at me unguarded but didn’t see the broken piece of glass in his hand. He apologized after he cut me. I still feel bad for taking that painting to his ex.”
I hang up and stand, legs asleep from sitting so long. I shake out the pinprick sensation and go into the bar. It’s a typical slow Monday night. Josh is working and doesn’t need the extra help tonight. It takes a while to convince him to go home to his wife and kids. He feels bad since today was my day off, and only agrees once I tell him Sierra is busy tonight and we’re not seeing each other anyway.
I don’t approve of drinking on the job, but fuck it. The bar is slow and I fucking need it. I pour whiskey into a glass and down it. I haven’t eaten all day. My appetite has been gone since yesterday afternoon when Sierra told me to leave.
I add ice to my glass and more whiskey. I try to sip it slowly but pour it down my throat instead. I need to numb the pain. In no time at all my mind swirls and I lean on the bar, rubbing my forehead.
I can’t stay here without Sierra in my life. This town is too small. We’d run into each other and seeing her without being able to be with her would be worse than putting food just out of a starving man’s reach.
I’ll be reminded of Sierra no matter where I go in this Godforsaken place, making everyday hell on earth. Will seeing me do the same to her?
I bring the bottle of whiskey upstairs with me after I close the bar for the night. I drink enough to pass out, but not enough to keep the nightmares away. I wake at dawn fighting off the image of Sierra’s body floating in the river, lifeless eyes staring up at me. Her belly was large and swollen, and a baby cries from deep inside the forest. No matter how hard I try, I can’t get through the water to find the child.
Our child.
I don’t attempt to go back to sleep until I chugged enough whiskey to kill a whale. I wake up in the afternoon feeling like complete shit. The first thing I do is check my phone in case Sierra called.
She didn’t.
I stumble to the kitchen and get a drink. Then I shower and force myself to eat. I get a text o
n my other phone. It’s from Jax, and I forgot that I was still fucking pissed at him for the shit that went down Friday night. It seems like nothing now.
Jax: I know you said you were done, but I heard of a job in Jackson. 75k if you get it done in 24 hours
I look at the screen, reading his words over and over again. Not because I’m not getting the message, but because I need to occupy my brain. I shouldn’t take a job. I’m not even supposed to be working in the bar yet.
But I don’t care anymore.
The only thing I care about is Sierra. I drop the phone and march out the door. Giving up isn’t something I’ve ever done. I fight and I fight until I get what I want. Sierra isn’t mine for the taking, but I’m not going to walk away.
I love her, and I know she loves me. I’m going to fix this.
I park in front of The Book Bag and go inside. The familiar dinging of the bell rings out when I step inside. The smell of books takes me back to the first time I walked inside and saw Sierra sitting behind the counter.
“Hi,” someone calls from inside the store. It’s not Sierra. “Can I help—” She cuts off when she sees me, and I’m not sure if it’s because she’s afraid of me like the rest of the town or if Sierra told her we broke up.
“She’s on her lunch break,” she says. “She just left but shouldn’t be gone too long.”
“Oh, okay.” So she’s afraid of me. Sierra hasn’t told her coworker yet. “I guess I’ll go.”
“I’ll tell her you stopped by.”
“No, I wanted it to be a surprise,” I lie and turn to go. Then I notice the red and white sign in the window. “The store’s for sale?”
“Technically, just the building. I suppose if the new owner wanted to keep running it as the store, they could.”
Sierra has to be devastated. She loves this place and what it has to offer the people of Summer Hill. I don’t want this taken away from her, and I wish I could convince her to ask her parents for the cash to buy it and make it hers. She’d never do that, and I respect the hell out of her for not falling back and relying on her rich parents.
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