What happened last night was more than a flashback, and there’s no way I can tell Nora. I didn’t just think it was Jason under the mask.
I wanted it to be Jason.
* * *
“Oh, this one’s pretty!” Nora’s gloved hand is in mine. It’s been three days since the break-in and we’re walking through a row of ice sculptures set up for judging in Dale Hollow’s town square.
The guy took a plea deal and confessed to all the break-ins since fall. He was booked and is behind bars, but Nora was still rattled. Every little noise at night makes her jump. Her fears are normal. They’ll subside with time. She’s not going to have flashbacks and freak the fuck out like me.
The Kellers upped their security system, and Stephanie and Nora are going to the animal shelter after Christmas to look for a dog. The guy admitted he avoided houses with dogs and thought Charlie was out of the house at the time of the break-in. He tried the front door first and waited. When he didn’t hear barking, he broke in. If Charlie had been downstairs…
I exhale, breath clouding around me. I need to stop thinking about it. The guy got in and got caught. It was a ‘blessing in disguise’ as my dad called it, pissing off my mom.
“Yeah, it is,” I agree. Nora holds up her ticket, then puts her hand back down.
“I need to see the rest before I can vote.”
“Good idea. I’ll vote for whatever you choose.”
She squeezes my hand. “I don’t know why I didn’t come to this last year.”
“Because it’s lame?”
“This is not lame. I feel like I’m in a Hallmark movie!”
“Exactly. Lame.”
Nora laughs, and twinkling Christmas lights overhead sparkle in her eyes. She’s so beautiful, so full of light and life. I’m the opposite, and I don’t want to hold her back. The thought that I’m no good for her has been digging at me ever since I pointed the gun at the burglar’s face and wanted to pull the trigger.
This whole time I’ve been thinking the darkness fell on me the day Jason died. It encompassed me and trapped me, and I couldn’t get out until I met Nora. Now I’m starting to think I’ve been wrong the whole time.
Maybe I haven’t been in the dark. Maybe I am the dark.
“Wow. This one isn’t as pretty but look at that detail!” Nora leans in, inspecting some sort of Celtic design carved into the block of ice. “This one might be second on my list.”
“You said that five sculptures ago.”
Nora wrinkles her nose, looking so damn adorable. We spend a few more minutes looking at the sculptures before we cast our votes. Then we move on to the snowmen. Finally, half an hour later, we’re both getting cold and walk back to my Jeep.
“Veronica wants to know if we want to meet her and David at Jimmy’s.” She takes off her gloves and looks down at her phone.
“David?”
“Yeah. A new guy. I don’t mind going if you do. Are you hungry?”
“I’m always hungry.”
“Great. I’ll tell her we’ll meet her there.” She texts Veronica back. “Have you looked over your schedule for next semester yet?”
“Not really. I have class on the same days as last, except my Tuesday and Thursday classes start an hour later.”
“You won’t be able to take us to school.”
“I still can.”
She shakes her head. “No, don’t get up early when you don’t have to. Stephanie and I are going to take a little trip to L.A. probably in the spring to get my stuff out of storage. There’s a lot in there I’ll be able to take with me to college. Including my Prius.”
“I forgot you had a car.”
“I almost did too. I’ve been eighteen for almost two months now and I really want my stuff. And I have money now.”
“Oh yeah, you do. What are you going to do with it?”
“Save it. It sounds like a lot since I had nothing before, but I know how fast it’ll go once I have bills. It’ll be nice to have that in my savings account once I graduate. And between the scholarships and the money Mimi put aside for college for me, my student loans will be minimal.” She looks out the window at the stars. “Thank you, Mimi,” she whispers.
Jimmy’s is busy, and we park in the back of the lot. The pavement is icy, and I hold Nora’s arm to keep her from slipping. Veronica and her date already have a table, and my sister waves like an idiot when she sees Nora. No wonder she can’t keep a boyfriend.
“That’s David?” I ask Nora, already not liking the goth-looking kid sitting next to my sister.
“Don’t judge him yet, Mr. Jock.”
“I’m not a—okay, I guess I was. But only on the surface.”
Nora meets my eyes, full lips coming together in a smile. “Exactly.”
We sit and order, and I drill David with questions, much to Veronica’s chagrin. Having her older brother double-date is probably reason number two guys don’t stick around.
“I heard you caught the asshole who’s been breaking into houses around here,” David tells me.
“Yeah.” My skin prickles and my mind starts to check out. When I think of the night of the break-in, things start to merge with the day Jason died. The dark hallway outside my room begins to glow under fluorescent lights. Charlie’s barking turns into unanimous cheering inside the gym. I pull off the mask and see Jason’s face. Dead eyes. Bullet hole blown through his cheek, taking off half his ear. The darkness closes in.
Nora puts her hand on my thigh. “Yeah, it was the same guy.”
She’s answering a question, one I didn’t hear asked. Veronica’s eyes cloud with worry. She tries to catch my attention and I do my best to avoid eye contact.
“We were a bit distracted upstairs.” Nora rubs my leg and scoots over by me. “That’s enough talk about it though,” she says bluntly for my sake. “You’re new to Dale Hollow, right? I’ve only been here for about a year and a half, but I like it.”
“It’s nice,” David says, and the small talk fades. We eat in silence for a minute, and it’s awkward. Why the fuck did I think having dinner with my sister was a good idea again?
“Nora,” Veronica starts, stealing a fry from David’s plate. She ordered a salad and regretted it the second everyone else got burgers. “Nancy and I were talking about how much fun it would be if we all went to Greendale University. She applied there too.”
“Yeah, that would be fun,” Nora agrees to be polite.
“I know, wouldn’t it? We could get an apartment and everything! And we’d only be like an hour from here, but far enough away from our parents.”
Nora glances at me. “It would be nice to be within driving distance.”
I order a plain burger for Charlie on the way out and buy Nora a box of cocoa-dusted truffles from the kids selling chocolate for a school fundraiser.
“Oh my God.” She takes a bite. “These are amazing! I could eat all of them before we get back to your house.” She grabs another and holds it out for me. “Try it.”
“That is good,” I say with my mouth full. Nora eats one more then turns the music down.
“You know, Veronica was right about one thing.”
“What?”
“It would be fun to go to Greendale with her and Nancy.”
I take my eyes off the road to look at Nora. “But you got into Berkeley.”
“I know I did. But I also go into Greendale. I should consider all my options, you know.”
“Since I met you, Berkeley has been your dream.”
“I can change my mind,” she huffs. “I have a home now. Being close to it would be nice.”
There’s only one reason Nora would consider going anywhere other than Berkeley: me. She knows how fucked in the head I am. She’s my light and I need her. And she knows it.
But I can’t do that to her.
I love Nora more than I love myself. My life might be a sinking ship with no chance of patching the hole before dark water swallows me whole, but I won’t make Nora dr
own with me.
“You’re not serious.” I hope to God she’s not serious.
“I don’t know.” She puts another truffle in her mouth and reaches over, hand landing on my thigh. “Greendale University is a nice school. It’s smaller so I might get more one-on-one time in class. It has its benefits, that’s for sure.”
“Yeah, but not when you compare it to fucking Berkeley. Nora, stop being stupid.”
She takes her hand back. “I’m not being stupid. I can do what I want, Jack.”
“I know,” I say softly. “Sorry. I don’t want to see you throw everything you’ve worked so hard for away.”
“I won’t.” She smiles and puts her hand on my thigh again, fingers inching toward my dick.
And she won’t. I won’t allow it. If it comes to it, I’ll stop things before Nora makes a mistake she’ll regret for the rest of her life. Letting go of Nora will send me back into infinite darkness, but I’d rather die a hundred times over before I see Nora destroy her future.
I’m not worth it. She might now see it now, but she will in time. Picking me over Berkeley is a huge fucking mistake. I can’t offer her a future when I can’t even see one for myself.
One day she’ll thank me for it.
I grip the steering wheel tight, pain crushing my chest. I won’t let Nora destroy everything she’s worked for. Even if it means breaking both our hearts. I take my eyes off the road for a second to look at Nora.
I love her enough to let her go.
And I will.
Chapter 23
Nora
Four years later…
“You can’t avoid them forever.” Becca pours vodka into the copper drink mixer.
“I’m not avoiding them.” Binx twists around my ankles, purring and trying to butter me up to give him more food. “I’m avoiding the town.”
“What’s wrong with the town?” Liam takes the bottle of grenadine Becca’s struggling to open and twists the lid with ease. “I thought you said it was nice.”
“It is nice.” Becca dumps in the syrup without measuring. “It’s who’s in the town she’s avoiding.” Her eyebrows go up and she puts the lid on the mixer.
“Oh.” Liam gets three cocktail glasses from the cabinet and zeroes in on me, interest piqued. “This is about him isn’t it? Your ex?”
I pick up Binx. “Not entirely. My time in Dale Hollow wasn’t the best and going back will bring up a lot of memories.”
“Of your ex?” Liam purses his lips. “You guys are so secretive about him. It makes me want to know details.”
“There’s not much to tell.” I sit on the couch, stroking Binx’s sleek fur, which is streaked with gray. “He was my first love, first guy I slept with…you get it. And then he broke up with me out of nowhere.”
“Sounds like an asshole.” It’s the thing Liam is supposed to say, but it couldn’t be further from the truth. And as much as I wish I could hate Jack, I can’t. He’s not an asshole. He has his own issues, and for years I tried to figure them out, to see what I was missing to make him tell me he doesn’t love me anymore.
Becca pours our drinks, adding only a splash of alcohol to mine. She knows the real reason I don’t like to drink, and she’s quick to defend me to our friends who like to call out how lame I am.
Liam sips the cocktail. “This is good, Becs. Sweet, but good.”
“Thanks. It’s my specialty.” Becca sits on the couch next to me, reaching for Binx. He jumps away. “Traitor. Don’t forget who took care of you for three years.”
“I don’t see the issue about going home though.” Liam peers over the top of his glass at me. “That was four years ago.”
“It took Nora a while to get over it,” Becca says softly. Other than Stephanie, she’s the only person who knows just how much Jack meant to me. And how much I thought I meant to him. I’ve been friends with Liam since the middle of my sophomore year, and he knows most of my history. But not all.
“First loves are bitches like that.” Liam shakes his head and takes a drink. “You know the best way to get over your ex is to sleep with his best friend. It worked for me.”
Jack’s best friend is dead.
“And how’s that working out for you?” Becca asks dryly.
“He turned out to be a manipulative asshole, but it got me over David. And under Paul.”
Becca drains her drink. “You’re an even bigger man whore than me.”
“That’s saying something.” Liam raises his glass. “But back to our Nora here…go home, honey. Take a break for once. And if you see your no-good ex, act like it takes you a minute to recall who he is. Your life is so fabulous you don’t have time for past drama.”
“He might not be there anymore.” Becca picks up the remote and turns on the TV. “It would be a total crisis averted and you’ll get some relaxing time with the people who are technically your parents and have been begging you to come home the moment you stepped foot on campus.”
“I know.” I tuck my legs under myself and sip my drink. I do feel bad for coming up with reasons not to go back to Dale Hollow for the summer over the last four years. Most were legitimate reasons, like studying abroad freshman year, taking summer classes, and then working through the summers to help pay for the apartment Becca and I got together.
I have no excuse now since I graduated a few days ago. Stephanie and Doug were here for the ceremony, of course, but could only stay for the weekend since they had work. Stephanie and I have become very close, talking nearly every day. She gave me the space I needed after Jack broke my heart and knew coming back to Dale Hollow would be hard.
Then I started my second year here and everyone expected me to be over the heartache. He was my high school boyfriend, after all. It wasn’t real love or anything. I was much too young to know what actual heartbreak felt like.
I worried as much as I hurt. Something had to happen to Jack, I was sure of it. Without me, did his flashbacks come back? Was he able to sleep through the night? Why wouldn’t he call me back when I tried to see if he was okay?
Maybe I gave myself too much credit.
Maybe nothing happened.
Maybe Jack really did stop loving me.
“Text her back,” Becca tells me. “And tell her you’ll pack your bag in the morning.”
“I will.”
Becca grabs my phone from the coffee table. “Now.”
“Fine.”
She stares at me. “I mean it. Now. Or you’ll chicken out.”
I unlock my phone and open Stephanie’s text from earlier, asking me if I made up my mind about coming home yet. Becca peers over my shoulder, making sure I write out an actual response. She knows me too well.
* * *
I close my eyes, listening to the click of my turn signal. Everything looks exactly the same as the day I left Dale Hollow. Taking a breath, I open my eyes and watch for the traffic light to turn green.
Crystal by Stevie Nicks comes on the radio as I turn onto Crescent Street, like some sort of sick joke played by the universe. I shut the music off altogether and slow in front of the Kellers’ house. My house. It stopped feeling like home the day Jack looked me in the eye and told me he didn’t love me.
My eyes immediately go to the Harringtons’ house. The Jeep isn’t parked out front, and I don’t see Charlie running around the yard. Maybe Jack has moved on.
Wherever he is, I hope he’s happy.
Stephanie runs out of the house the second I put the Prius in park. I smile when I see her, momentarily letting go of my heartache.
“Welcome home.” She throws her arms around me, squeezing me in a tight hug. “How was the drive?”
“Long, but all right. Traffic wasn’t that bad, actually.”
“That’s good. Are you hungry? Doug’s on his way home now. If you’re not too tired I thought we could go to Jimmy’s.”
“Is it still the cool hangout?”
“It’ll always be the cool hangout.”
“Then ye
ah, let’s go. A cheeseburger, fries, and a strawberry milkshake sound good right now.”
Stephanie beams and opens the back hatch. We take my suitcases inside, and the moment I walk through the front door, I’m hit with a sense of familiarity. I’ve been home for Thanksgiving and Christmas a few times in the last four years, but it’s always quick trips, and always on the years the Harringtons go out of town for the holidays. Doug picks me up at the airport, takes me home, and I’m gone again as soon as possible. I plan my flights to arrive at night and leave early in the morning, making it almost as if I’m not really here. This is the first time I drove all the way from school and am staying for more than three days.
A large framed photo of Stephanie, Doug, and I at graduation hangs in the living room. I’m smiling in the photo and look happy. And I was. I am. It might have taken me years to get over Jack—if I’m even over it at all—but my life is good, and I’ve made the most of what I’d been given.
“I’m going to change,” I tell Stephanie, and lug my suitcase up the stairs. My old room has housed a few kids over the last four years. It’s relatively the same, with a new bedspread and a few new nicks in the walls. I take off my leggings and T-shirt, trading it for a short blue dress and heels. I comb my messy hair and put on makeup, then go downstairs to talk to Stephanie.
Even though I saw her only weeks ago at graduation, she fills me in on everything going on in the town but doesn’t say anything about our next-door neighbors. Maybe nothing is going on with them. Maybe she doesn’t bring it up on purpose.
I don’t ask. I don’t want to know, even though I do.
I lean back on the couch and yawn. Stephanie worries I’m tired—and I am from the eight-hour drive—and insists we order takeout from Jimmy’s instead and have Doug pick it up on the way home. I think that sounds like a great idea.
I forgot how much I missed eating together as a family, even when it is diner food brought home in doggie bags. Our old routine kicks in without anyone prompting it. Stephanie and I clear the table and we all retire to the living room, looking through Netflix for something to watch.
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