“I’m not quite hungry yet. But I do need someone to help wash me in the shower.”
“It doesn’t sound fun at all, but I’ll take one for the team.”
I take a sip of coffee. “Thank you for your sacrifice, kind sir. And really, Jack, thank you for coming to get me last night.”
“You don’t have to thank me. You’re my girlfriend, and I love you. It’s second nature to protect you.”
I remember the rage in his eyes, the readiness in him to start a fight. The way it looked like Jack had checked out and someone else took over entirely. Was he protecting me then too? “I love you, too.”
“If you feel up to it later, want to go hiking? We can take an easy tail.”
“I’d love to, but you’ll be shocked to know I left my hiking gear at home.”
“Because you own so much of it.”
“Exactly. The only pair of boots I brought wouldn’t last a mile on the rough terrain.”
“I know.” He pulls something from a shopping bag. “That’s why I got you these. Stephanie told me the sizes.” He hands me a shoebox. “It’s not ideal to hike in brand-new shoes, but it’s better than the alternative.”
“Jack,” I start, unable to keep from smiling at his thoughtfulness. “Thank you.”
“You can thank me later.” He smirks.
I set the shoes and my coffee down, and go to Jack, running my hands up and down his bare chest. “I will thank you, and I have something to use to show just how thankful I am.”
“What is it?”
“A vibrating cock ring.”
He’s not quite sure how to respond. “Why—where did you—did you bring it from home?”
“No,” I laugh. “I won it last night. There was a sex toy party before the bar but after the stripper.”
“How did you win a vibrating cock ring?”
Now it’s my turn to smirk. “I was the best at deep-throating a cucumber.”
Jack’s eyebrows push together, and then he laughs. “God, I love you, Nora.”
Chapter 35
Jack
“Is that the cabin?” Nora edges closer to the side of the mountain.
I set a bowl of water on the ground for Charlie and get up, going to her side. “It is. It looks so small from up here, doesn’t it?”
“I can’t believe we hiked so far. No wonder you’re in such good shape.”
I laugh and put my arm around her. Throughout the day, I’ve stopped to make sure Nora was faring all right. And every time I suggested we turn around, she pushed forward.
“You’re not so bad yourself.”
“Yoga helps, but I’m a long distance kinda girl.”
I know exactly what she’s referring to, yet I flinch. We will be a long-distance couple. She has to go back to her apartment and sort things out…and we haven’t really discussed what there is to be sorted.
I close the distance between us, and my other hand goes to her waist. Nora turns toward me, and the wind blows her hair around her face. Sunlight is streaming down on us, and we’re standing at the edge of the world.
The thought of her going back to Berkeley—back to reality—terrifies me. Not because she’ll be hours away, but what if she realizes she doesn’t want this anymore?
“Are you thirsty?”
“Yeah,” she says, and we move away from the edge, taking shelter from the sun under a pine tree. I grab two water bottles from my backpack and hand her one. “Are we going to keep going?”
“Not today. It takes a good twelve hours to hike the whole thing. We don’t have enough daylight to make it to the top and down again.”
“Have you done it before?”
“Many times. Coming out here used to be the only way I could find peace.”
Nora takes a drink and then pours some of her water in Charlie’s now-empty bowl. “Have you seen a bear?”
“Yeah. If Charlie is with me, it scares the shit out of me. If I’m alone, it’s kinda cool.”
“What does Charlie do?”
I pat my old golden on the head. “The first time a bear crossed our path he didn’t know what to do. I think he saw it as a really big dog. We had a stare off, and the people behind us on the trail had bear-spray. They hosed him.”
“For just staring at you?” Nora frowns. “That’s kinda mean.”
“I thought the same, though standing only yards from a bear makes you realize how fucking ginormous they are. With big teeth and even bigger claws. And they’re so used to humans around here.”
“So better safe than sorry.”
“Right. I respect this was their home first. We’re encroaching on their territory, after all. I haven’t seen any by the cabin, though I am careful not to leave food out.”
“You’re not far from town, but it’s a totally different world up here.”
“It is.”
She smiles. “I like it, and I like how the cabin feels like it’s in the middle of nowhere but isn’t actually that far from civilization.”
“It’s only a few miles from the lake. I can run there faster than I can drive.”
Nora narrows her eyes, not believing me. “Oh, right. The road winds all around. You can run straight there.”
“Exactly.”
Nora and I sit on the ground, finishing our water and sharing a granola bar. Nora takes a few pictures before we start out descent down the mountain.
“Do you plan to live in the cabin forever?” she asks. It’s a simple question, yet it’s another that reminds me how far we really are from each other, how we want different things in life.
“Honestly, I don’t know. I considered finishing the renovations and selling since I’m sure I can make three or four times what I paid for it. If it were just me, I’d be fine there, but I do realize it’s not exactly family-friendly.”
Nora nods, and I can tell she’s thinking. She prefers quiet nights in over going out and likes to spend her free time reading or binging TV shows. Being half an hour from town doesn’t sound terrible, but the drive gets longer in the snow. Ridge Road is one of the last to get plowed, and a four-wheel drive car is a requirement for getting in and out of the driveway in the winter.
Dale Hollow is growing, with more businesses than ever, but the chances of Nora getting a job actually in town are slim. She’ll have to commute, and since I can work from home, it makes sense for me to relocate wherever she is.
And I will.
Without Nora, I needed to find a new way to stop the flashbacks. When things would get dark and the sounds of screaming and gunshots rang out in my head, I’d leave the house and come outside. Surrounded by nothing but nature, the flashbacks would fade.
Jason couldn’t be in front of me because no one was in front of me.
“You could always put on an addition,” Nora suggests. “The cabin has good bones and would save you a lot of money over building new.”
She says ‘you’ instead of ‘we’, and I wonder if maybe, just maybe, she’s coming to the realization that loving me isn’t going to be enough.
Chapter 36
Nora
“I am so glad you suggested this.” I lean back, letting my eyes fall shut. One foot is plunged in warm, bubbly water and the other is being massaged.
“Doug used to call me high maintenance for getting a pedicure after a day of hiking, but my feet would ache so much.”
“I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I totally underestimated how sore I’d be.” Jack and I got back to his cabin in the evening. We showered then put my prize to good use, and passed out soon after dinner, sleeping soundly through the night for eleven straight hours.
I could have stayed in bed all day with him, but Jack needed to work, and I felt a little guilty for not spending much time with Stephanie and Doug, though I suppose that’s the natural order of things. You spend less time with your parents and more with the person you’re going to build your own family with.
Once home in the morning, Stephanie suggested getting mani/
pedis, shopping, and then dinner and a movie later. Doug is joining us for dinner and the movie after he gets off work.
“You’re walking and climbing at the same time, in a sense. And if you’re sore after a day of hiking, I would probably be dead. You’re in much better shape than me.”
I laugh. “I thought I was in decent shape until now. I guess I’ll start adding running into my workouts.” I wrinkle my nose. “I do not like running. I don’t see how Jack does it almost every day.”
“He’s always been a runner, hasn’t he?”
“Yeah. I used to sneak glimpses of him running in the mornings before school.”
“You weren’t too good at sneaking. I saw you a few times.” She winks. “That’s okay. Jack’s always been easy on the eyes.”
“He is.”
“Have you two talked about what you’re going to do once you go back to school?”
“Not exactly. I know we need to.”
“Jack’s able to do his job from home. Would he move to be with you?”
“I think so,” I say, but really, I’m not sure. The cabin and the woods have become part of his life. The solitude changed everything for him.
I can’t make him leave.
* * *
“Look at my beautiful girls.” Doug pulls Stephanie in for a hug and a quick kiss. “How was shopping?”
“Fun! We found some great sales.” Stephanie adjusts her purse over her shoulder. “Remember you love us when you look at the credit card bill later.”
“I’m scared to look now.”
“They were really good sales,” I say. “We couldn’t pass them up.”
“If the sales were so good, then why is the bill high?” Doug opens the door to the restaurant for us.
“Because we got a lot of stuff.” I step inside. “And it would have cost at least twice as much off sale.”
“Such savvy shoppers,” Doug laughs. We’re a few minutes early for our reservation and have to hang out in the busy waiting area before we’re seated. My phone buzzes. I step back into a corner and pull it from my purse. It’s Becca, asking me if I’m still alive.
Me: Nope. You’re talking to a ghost.
Becca: Shut up loser. You disappeared on me. I thought maybe you fell off a mountain or something
Me: Or something…
Becca: OMG spill. Is this about Jack??
Me: Yes.
Becca: TELL ME RIGHT NOW!
Me: I slept with him a few more times. And I told him I still love him.
Becca: No fucking way. I don’t believe you.
I respond with a picture I took of Jack, Charlie, and me on the mountainside. Jack and I are sitting on the ground. I’m between his legs, with my back to his front, and Charlie by our side, looking at the camera with his head cocked.
Becca: Stop it right now. How fucking adorable.
I send a heart emoji.
Becca: but I have so many questions now.
Me: I’ll call you tonight. I’m at dinner with Steph & Doug
The hostess calls our name and we get seated at the table.
“Nora,” Doug starts, “I ran into someone who’s interested in talking to you about a job.”
“Really?”
He laughs. “Yes, really. Her name is Karen Young, and she’s taking over the Young Construction business her father used to run once he retires. They’re heading the new shopping center proposed to go up in town. I told her all about my smart daughter who graduated from Berkeley with honors and she wants to meet with you.” He glances at Stephanie. “I know you mentioned going back up north, but it’s something you might want to consider.”
“Yeah. I’ll talk to her.”
“You will?” Stephanie asks, eyes wide.
I unfold the menu. “Yeah. The more I think about it, the more I’m leaning toward staying here.”
Stephanie’s eyes narrow ever so slightly. “Because of Jack?”
“He is a reason, but I’ve been thinking about what you said before him, and how it makes sense to live at home for a while to save money. I can apply for jobs and if you can get me an interview at least with Young Construction, I’d be thrilled.”
Doug smiles. “I’ll let her know you are indeed interested and see what she says.”
“Thanks.”
“Of course. You know we’d like to closer to home, but more than anything, we want you to be happy. I don’t know the Youngs well, but I do know their company has been growing fast.
Doug pulls up the Young Construction website, and we find as much info as we can before our dinner comes. I’m having a great time with Stephanie and Doug, laughing throughout our meal. We lose track of the time and rush over to the movie. Stephanie and I go in to save seats while Doug gets popcorn and drinks.
I double check to make sure my phone is on silent, then hang my purse from the armrest of my seat. I’ve already seen this movie with Becca, but I don’t say anything to Stephanie and Doug, who were both excited to see it.
Aiden Shepherd stars in this action film, and Becca is a huge fan. She got to meet him, thanks to her Hollywood producer parents. She got a picture with him and everything and talked about it nonstop for a week. It was three years ago, and she still occasionally makes it her Facebook profile picture.
The movie starts, and it’s just as good as the first time. I stuffed myself at dinner and still manage to eat half a bowl of buttery popcorn. When the lights turn on at the end, I brush popcorn crumbs off my lap and try my best to clean up the mess.
I take my phone from my purse on the way to the car and come to a dead stop. I have three missed calls and a dozen texts from Jack.
Something is wrong.
I unlock my phone, not sure if I should listen to his message or read his texts first. I can read texts faster than I can listen. I open my texts, heart stopping when I read his words.
“Oh my God.” My hand flies to my mouth. I read everything again, making sure I read it right because it can’t be right.
“What’s wrong, honey?” Holding Doug’s hand, Stephanie turns around.
My heart is racing so hard and my nerves prickle so hard I’m dizzy. I look up into Stephanie’s eyes. “The guy who led Jack’s PTSD support group hung himself.”
Chapter 37
Jack
Don’t think.
Don’t feel.
I close my eyes and step out into the dark. I keep walking, feeling the pathway beneath my feet give way to grass and weeds. Charlie’s tags jingle. He’s close by, running up ahead and waiting for me to catch up.
When I open my eyes again, I’m staring into the dark valley below. I sit on the ground and try to steady my breathing.
Don’t think.
Don’t feel.
Wyatt was my friend. He helped me deal with my issues and was the first person after I broke up with Nora who didn’t try to bullshit me into believing shit was going to be all right. That I’d just wake up one day and be cured of the nightmares that plague me and the crippling feelings of that day repeating over and over and over again would go away.
For two years, I went to that group. Every Thursday, I’d get in my Jeep and drive into the next town to sit around in a circle and bring up the shit all of us worked hard to bury.
Because of Wyatt.
He encouraged us. Made us feel normal. Let us know we’re not alone.
And now he’s gone, life taken by his own hand.
Charlie comes over, pressing his head against my chest. He knows. He always knows.
“Thanks, buddy.” I put my arm around him and he lays down with his front paws in my lap. I pet him, and my racing heart starts to slow. We stay like that until the cold from the ground seeps into me and my legs become stiff.
Charlie perks up when headlights draw near. I grab hold of his collar and get up, ignoring the ache in my calf muscles from sitting still for so long. A car door opens and shuts. Charlie pulls forward, tail wagging. I let go of his collar and he races around the house t
o Nora.
“Jack? Are you outside?”
“Yeah, I’m coming around.”
Nora’s standing under a pool of light, face illuminated. Her eyebrows are pinched together. “I don’t see you.”
I round the corner of the house, and as soon as her eyes focus on me, she rushes forward. I didn’t know how much I need her arms around me until they are.
“I’m so sorry.”
I wrap my arms around her slender body, chin resting on top of her head.
“Thanks.”
Her hands slide into mine. “Let’s go inside.”
The front door is locked, so we have to go around to the back. There’s not a path connecting the driveway to the back, and Nora’s wearing heels. She holds tight to my arm, picking her way carefully over the uneven terrain.
We sit in the living room, and with Nora on one side and Charlie on another, some of the tension leaves me. I release the hold I put on my emotions, and the realization that Wyatt killed himself hits me hard.
“I just saw him. He was supposed to be better.”
“I am so, so sorry, Jack. Is there a service for him?”
“Family and close friends only.”
Nora grips my hand. “Do you know why?” she asks softly.
“He struggled with depression as well, and had a really bad night with flashbacks. His wife found him when she came home from work.”
“Oh my God. That’s awful.”
“It is.” I grind my jaw, not able to stop my mind going to Nora being in that situation. I was never suicidal, but there are other ways I can snap. If Wyatt could slip so far back he doesn’t see a way out, what hope is there for the rest of us? He led the fucking group. He was supposed to be the most well-adjusted of us all. I know there is no cure for PTSD. There’s no real ‘getting over it’. You can manage the symptoms and hope to live a normal life.
“Jack?” Nora whispers, after sitting in silence for several minutes. “What’s going on up there?” Her fingers brush over my forehead. “Talk to me.”
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