I want to call Nora. I need to hear her voice. But I don’t want to worry her. She went home to get new clothes and to have lunch with Stephanie. Needing to work anyway, I told her I’d call when I was done, but it wouldn’t be for several hours.
I do need to work.
Time is money, and I’m not getting paid to freak the fuck out like this.
The feeling that something bad is about to happen grips me hard, making it hard to breathe and even harder to function. I can’t call Nora, but I need to talk to someone. I haven’t had a flashback of this magnitude in a while, but if I did, I’d call Wyatt.
But I can’t because he’s fucking dead.
His own flashbacks got to him.
He couldn’t take it anymore.
He couldn’t see the light.
And now he’s dead.
My chest tightens even more. I want to go home, but I know I shouldn’t drive. I try to inhale and can’t. The walls are closing in around me and my ears start ringing again. Someone walks across the street, and I catch a glimpse out of the corner of my eye.
It’s Jason. I see Jason. I should go to him. Stop him. Beat the shit out of him for what he’s about to make me do. I grab onto the steering wheel, fighting against myself. I want to fight him. I want to run away.
And a very small part of me is screaming to wake the fuck up but I can’t, and I won’t. I’m forever stuck inside this fucking living nightmare, damned to have the worse day of my life drop down on me like a ton of bricks without warning, trapping me under its weight, crushing me until there’s nothing left.
My phone dings and the sound of the text message coming through startles me. I jerk up, vision fuzzy, and reach for my phone. I blink a few times to focus my eyes before I’m able to read the text. It’s from Nora and let out a deep breath.
Nora: I love you. Just wanted to remind you :-) I hope you finish your work soon. I was thinking about last night and it made me want you. Now. I might have to ‘pull a Jack’ and pay a visit to the toilet.
I don’t know how she knew exactly what to say to bring me back to reality. Instead of remembering blood and pain, I’m remembering Nora’s tight pussy around my dick. I’m remembering the taste of her on my lips and the feel of her heart beating against mine.
I read her text twice and am able to breathe again. I’ll still be on edge the rest of the day—at least—but the panic attack stopped before it started.
And it’s all thanks to Nora.
Chapter 38
Nora
“Hey, honey.” Stephanie turns off the vacuum when she sees me walk in through the back door. “How’s Jack?”
“He’s okay. He took the news hard, which I expected. The guy was his friend and mentor and was supposed to be the example, you know? I could tell he felt so hopeless, like he was damned to follow in the same footsteps.”
“Poor Jack. I hope he knows there is hope.”
“I tried to tell him. We talked about it last night and this morning he seemed better. Which I hope is the case and he’s not repressing his feelings. He’s always been pretty open with me, but I still feel like he puts on a brave face.”
“It would be hard, I imagine. Society has painted a funny picture of how men aren’t supposed to express emotion and growing up with his father couldn’t have made it easy.” She lifts her eyebrows. “Don’t get me wrong, James Harrington is a good guy, but he’s not the warmest.”
“Not at all.
“The guy was a war veteran?”
“That’s what Jack told me. He served two tours in the middle east. It’s so sad.”
“It really is.” She sighs. “On a happier note, Doug texted me not that long ago and said Karen Young is excited you’re interested and would like to talk whenever you’re free. She’s in the office for the rest of the day, so call her and set up a time. If you’re interested, that is.”
“I am.” I get the info from Stephanie and decide to wait to share the news that I got offered my intern position back. It’s not an actual job, but if they’re going to foot the bill of grad school I shouldn’t complain, right?
I want to. I want to find reasons not to go back up north. My heart is here, and if I leave it behind again, I don’t think I’ll survive. I sit in the dining room with a notepad open—just in case I need to take notes—and call Karen. I get ahold of her secretary and she’s pleasantly surprised I can meet her in an hour.
I showered with Jack and my hair air dried in the sun. It won’t take me long to put on makeup, curl my long locks, and borrow a professional looking outfit from Stephanie. I hurry to get ready in time and take a bag of cookies to drop off to Doug once I’m done talking to Karen.
I text Jack before I leave, just to tell him I love him. He’s working right now and doesn’t text me back. He seemed to be in a good headspace when I left, but I still worry. He’s so hard on himself, and I wish he’d realize he spends more time worrying about being affected by his PTSD than he actually is affected by it.
He wants to live a normal life and doesn’t see that he already does. Yeah, he prefers the quiet of the forest to being surrounded by people, but if anything, I think that makes him more normal. A lot of people would give up everything to have a job they can do from home and live in a beautiful cabin in the woods, nestled in the foothills of the mountains.
The office building for Young Construction is in downtown Dale Hollow, two blocks away from Mrs. Harrington’s store. I park across the street and get hit with nerves before I get out. It’s an informal interview. I’m technically not even applying for a job, nor do I know if she has anything open for me.
For all I know, she’s talking to me as a favor for Doug with no intention of hiring me at all. So why are my hands suddenly trembling? I don’t feel prepared at all. Stephanie’s style is not my own, this is not the ideal purse to pair with dress pants and this black top, and I had to print my resume on regular computer paper instead of resume paper. I didn’t bring my leather folder to keep my resume and references in either.
I came here for a mini vacation from my hectic life at Berkeley with the intention of relaxing and spending time with my family. Surely Karen will understand, right? I take a glance at myself in the mirror, close my eyes, and channel the relaxation techniques I learned in the years of doing yoga.
I open my eyes and get out of the car, stepping into warm sunshine. The heat of summer is coming back. The storm brought in a cold front, and while Jack seemed to enjoy it, I love the heat. I take a moment to soak up the sunshine, calmed by its warmth.
My fingers go to the little glass rose hanging from a delicate silver chain on my neck. I inhale, hold my breath, and slowly let it out as I cross the street and enter the office building.
The secretary is on the phone, and it sounds like there’s been some sort of mix up with the dates of when construction was supposed to start. She smiles at me and motions to a chair by the front window. I take a seat and look around. Blueprints and framed photos of groundbreaking ceremonies hang on the wall. Mr. Young is front and center in all of them, with his son by his right side and Karen pushed off to the left.
The secretary hangs up and comes around the desk. “Nora Fisher, right?”
“Yes,” I say and stand up.
“I’m Rachel. Nice to meet you. I’ll let Karen know you’re here.” She disappears into a room in the back, and a minute later, Karen comes out. We shake hands, go through the formal introductions, and then go back into her office. She asks me about school, why I chose engineering for a career, and what my plans are for the future. This was supposed to be an informal interview, but it’s feeling very much like the practice ones I did in school.
Her phone rings in the middle of talking, and she apologizes and answers.
“No,” she says to the person on the other line. “I think you right-click on it and it brings up the options. Try that.” She waits. “I’m not sure. Let me call you back in a few minutes after I’ve had a chance to look at it.” Sh
e hangs up and lets out a sigh. “Sorry. We switched to a new computer program and are still working out the bugs. And the bugs are us trying to figure out how to use it.”
“What program is it?”
She turns her computer screen to show me.
“Oh, we used that in school. It’s great but is a little complicated when you first start out.”
“You’re familiar?”
“Very.”
She smiles. “That is definitely a plus. Well, I have a client meeting in a few minutes, but I have a feeling I’ll be seeing you again.” We get up, moving to the door. “I’ll be in touch.”
“Thank you. It was really nice meeting you.”
She shakes my hand again and sends me on my way. I leave feeling optimistic with my chances. I get to the car and remember I never got Becca a birthday present. Since Mrs. Harrington was at Jack’s this morning, I assume she has the day off and isn’t working at her store.
I was wrong.
“Hi, Nora!” she says excitedly when I walk through the doors. A few other customers are inside, browsing the merchandise. “I must say I like seeing you like this better.” She laughs, and I laugh to keep myself from cringing and running out the door.
“Yeah, I prefer to be fully dressed when I see my boyfriend’s parents.”
An old woman turns around, eyeballing me. Mrs. Harrington comes out from behind the counter.
“We were worried. James heard about Wyatt Henderson,” she says softly. “Does Jack know? I was going to tell him, but he seemed so happy this morning and I didn’t want to put a damper on it.”
“He does.” Now I understand the Harringtons’ panic. “He found out last night.”
“You were there?”
“I got there as soon as he told me.”
Her eyes get a little glossy. The old woman goes to the counter with several hand-painted signs, and Mrs. Harrington steps away to ring her up. I take the time to look for something for Becca. I settle on a can of loose-leaf tea and a cute pineapple-shaped coffee cup.
Mrs. Harrington scans my items and gives me a discount before totaling up my purchase. “Thank you, Nora, for being there for him. You’ve always meant to so much to him, and for the longest time I didn’t understand why he broke up with you.” She wraps the coffee cup in paper. “I’m glad you’re back.”
I smile. “Me too.”
Chapter 39
Jack
“Tired?” Nora wraps her arm around me, pulling me to her chest. My face falls into her breasts, not that I mind. I stretch out on the couch, needing to feel every inch of Nora against me. It reminds me I’m alive. I’m here, even though I don’t feel like I completely am.
In the months immediately following the shootings, when the flashbacks were the most intense, my sense of self would be off for the rest of the day. I’d pull myself from the flashback, but not feel like I’m totally out of it.
It’s fucked up feeling like I’m here but not here at the same time. Sometimes it would feel like I was floating above my body, watching my life play out. I wasn’t living. I was hardly surviving. The pain dulled, and I went through the motions day by day.
And then I met Nora.
“Kind of.” I’m exhausted. My heart has been racing all day, and I keep looking over my shoulder. Jason has been in the back of my mind, and every movement, every shadow, makes me think he’s standing there, gun pointed. My scar has been burning since the flashback, and I’m working hard to act normal for Nora’s sake. I don’t want to make her worry, and I don’t want her to feel like she has to stay here.
I don’t want her to leave, but if that’s what she wants, I’ll support it. A long distance relationship will suck ass, but we’ll make it work. I’m not walking away this time.
“Want to go to bed?” She runs her fingers through my hair. It’s relaxing and feels so good, yet my heart won’t slow the fuck down. I can’t shake the feeling danger is lurking.
“It’s early.”
“I don’t mind,” she says, knowing exactly what I was referring to. “You have a TV up there. We can watch a movie and cuddle.”
I smile. “No chick flicks.”
“I’m pretty sure The Notebook is on Netflix right now.”
“For you,” I start, sitting up so I can look into her pretty eyes, “I’ll suffer through it.”
“There’s also a new documentary about animals around the world.”
“The one shot in 4K?” I ask.
“Yeah, I think so. It looks amazing.”
I sit up, moving my hands to Nora’s waist. “I vote for that one.”
She smiles. “Me too, actually. You know I’m not much of a fan of those books and movies that make you cry. I never cry, and it makes me feel like something is wrong with me.”
Nora gets up, picking our dinner dishes up off the coffee table. She came over around dinner time and suggested we go out. Being around people was the last thing I wanted after being on guard all day. I’m still on guard at the house, but it’s not as bad as it would be if I was in a crowded restaurant.
I help Nora clean up, then let Charlie out once more before going upstairs. I’m worn out. Physically and mentally. Crashing early and sleeping through the night would be fucking amazing, and if Nora wasn’t here it wouldn’t be a possibility.
Nora brought an overnight bag this time and goes into the bathroom to change into PJs and remove her makeup. I go to the balcony, trying to get my heart to slow the fuck down. It’s times like this I wish I drank, but after trying it a few times, I quickly realized it didn’t work the way I hoped.
Before I got to the point of passing out in a drunken stupor, my mind wandered and was too far gone to keep in line. The bad thoughts I pushed away came barreling in, storming me with the dark.
I grip the railing and lean forward, taking in a deep breath of mountain air.
“Jack?” The door behind me creaks open and Nora slips onto the balcony behind me. She stops next to me and loops her arm through mine. “I love you,” she whispers, resting her head against me. I don’t know how she knows, but she does. She knows I’m barely hanging on right now.
But I don’t think she knows how much I fucking hate making her deal with it.
* * *
I wake with a start, sitting up and opening my eyes wide. My heart is racing, I’m covered in a cold sweat, and the feeling of impending doom presses down on me like a ton of bricks.
I’m awake, but the nightmare hasn’t stopped. Jason walks in from the balcony, carrying three guns. The rifle and extra ammo are strapped over his chest, and he has a pistol in each hand. He turns his head, looking right into my eyes as he walks past, disappearing through the bedroom door.
“Jack?” Nora’s voice echoes in my head. She sits up, blinking in the dark. “Jack?” her voice is a distant echo, and her touch hardly registers. I throw the covers back and get out of bed.
“Where are you going?” Nora asks.
“I have to stop him.”
“Stop who?” She scrambles after me.
“Jason.”
“Jason isn’t here. Jack, stop!”
Charlie whines and runs ahead of me. He can sense what’s going on, but nothing is making sense in my mind right now.
“Jack!” Nora calls again. Her fingers wrap around my arm and I pull away. Doesn’t she understand our lives are in danger?
“Stay here and be quiet!”
“Stop, Jack!” She moves in front of me and puts both hands on my shoulders, face in front of mine. “Jason isn’t here! He’s dead! It’s just me, you, and Charlie in the house.”
I make a move to push forward and she catches my shoulders again, using all her strength to hold me back. Charlie barks and Nora flicks on the switch behind us. Light fills the room.
Finally, my mind wakes up, joining my body. The nightmare is over. I’m in the house leaning against the wall by the stairs. Nora is in front of me, tears in her eyes.
“Nora?”
�
��I’m here, Jack. I’m here.” The tears fall, rolling down her cheeks. Her hands shake as she apprehensively reaches for me. I pull her close, wrapping her tightly in a hug. Nora tries to stop herself from crying.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, running my hands over her hair.
“You don’t have to be sorry.”
“But you’re crying.”
She sniffles and looks up at me. “I was so scared, and I couldn’t help you.”
“You did help me.”
Her arms go around me, and we slide down the wall to the floor. I bring Nora into my lap, burying my head in her hair. I hate seeing the fear in her eyes. Knowing I caused it makes the guilt I carry every damn day intensify.
“What happened?”
“I don’t really know,” I tell her. “It’s like my mind was still asleep.”
Nora wipes her eyes and straightens up. “I read that the same part of your brain used for memory is activated when you have flashbacks. So it really is replaying before you.”
“That’s what it feels like.” I exhale heavily and rest my head against hers. Heavy exhaustion crashes down on me, ten times worse than before. “I’m glad you’re here.”
“Me too.” Nora runs her hand through my hair. “Do you want to go back to bed?”
I shake my head. “I won’t be able to sleep.”
“Okay. We can sit on the balcony instead.”
“I’d like that.”
We go to the balcony, sitting together on the lounge chair. Nora covers us with a blanket and we sit there, not talking for a while. I’m sure Nora is tired, and I wish I could be too. It’s a slippery slope when a flashback hits like this and is hard to explain.
I’d be around people who’d understand next week if I could go to my group. They wouldn’t ask questions or poke or prod when I told them the nightmares came to life again because they’d understand. They wouldn’t ask me why I didn’t ‘just make it stop’ like I have any fucking control over this at all.
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