Chrissy comes running through the house, wildly greeting me again. I kneel down and pet her, long black fur catching on my fingers.
“So,” Haley says. “Should we go?”
Bloody hell, yes, get me out of here. “Yeah.” Though really, we had a long drive ahead of us. The last time I took a chick on a long drive, she sucked my dick—twice—and I got pulled over for speeding. I got out of the ticket by giving the cop my autograph and taking a picture for his son, who was a huge Shadowland fan.
None of that would work on Haley.
She tosses a treat to Chrissy, grabs her purse, and leads the way out. The barn is close to the house. I can hear country music softly playing inside, and yellow light spills over the half doors. The same white horse that whinnied to me earlier sticks his head out and calls to Haley.
I watch her look at him and see the smile on her face. She slows and relaxes at the sight of him. I don’t get it. There is nothing relaxing about horses at all. They kind of scare me, to be honest. They’re big with a mind of their own. Even something as well trained as Rusty, the horse I ride on set, can spook and dump me.
I open the car door for Haley.
“Thanks,” she says as she slides in. I’m still not used to being on opposite sides, and sometimes find myself drifting into the wrong lane out of habit. Americans are weird. I dash around and get in, firing up the engine and turning down the radio I left blaring. I already have the address in the GPS, ready to give me directions. I back up and turn around in the long, L-shaped driveway.
“What happened to the baby’s mum?” I ask then immediately regret my words. Haley stiffens and closes her eyes. She doesn’t know I know about the fire, and there isn’t a good way to bring it up. I can’t turn to her and say, “Hey, I Googled you and read about the accident.”
“Nothing bad,” she says quietly. “She’s a nurse mane foal. The mom was bred for the milk, not for the baby.”
I turn my head in question. “I’m not following.”
“The milk is given to a show horse, and the baby is literally thrown away. This little girl was pulled out of the manure pile.”
My mouth gapes a little. “Are you serious?”
“Unfortunately. It’s not that uncommon either.”
My heart feels cold. “I had no idea.”
“Most people don’t. But it’s usually easy to find a home for the foal once their story gets out. As long as we get to them in time, they don’t have physical issues like a lot of our rescues do.”
“Is it hard to place horses with physical issues?”
She nods. “Sometimes it means they can’t be ridden at all, or are only suitable for light riding. And the upkeep for a special needs horse is expensive. And people don’t want something damaged.”
Damaged.
No, people don’t want something damaged. I know first hand. There is sadness in her voice, but her face is set, showing no emotion. I drum my fingers on the wheel. The air between us is getting awkward—again. I feel compelled to say something.
“So, you’re a fan of Shadowland?”
She nods but gives me a sideways glance. “Yeah. I really like the show. I’d have friends over every Sunday while I was in college. We’d take shots every time someone died. Usually, we were drunk halfway through the episode.”
I feel like the actor everyone thinks I am. “Did you ever think you’d be going out with someone from the cast of the show? I bet your friends would shit themselves if they found out.”
She raises her eyebrows and looks out the window. “Uh, yeah. This isn’t how I thought my life would go.”
I speed around a turn and consider driving off the hillside. Anything to end this awkward conversation. A few miles pass in silence. Then she turns to me.
“Do you really want to go to some fancy restaurant and deal with all those people?”
“I don’t mind,” I tell her. “I like taking pictures with people and signing shit.”
“Really?” she asks and twists.
“Really,” I say. “It’s nice to know people like me and what I’m doing. I would be nothing without the fans.”
“Is that what you say in every interview?” she asks flatly.
I find myself smiling. I take my eyes off the road and look at her. “You really want to know? It can get annoying. Not having people tell me they’re fans or they love the show because I really do like hearing that. And anyone who says they don’t is a damn liar. It’d be like you saying you didn’t want to hear people say they think you’re pretty or smart. Yeah, maybe you think it sounds vain, but we’re fucking humans. We like that kind of flattery.”
I glance at her again. She’s leaning back, head tipped just a bit as she looks at me. “What annoys me is having to smile and act happy when I just want to leave the gym and shower. Sometimes I just want to get my shit done and go home.”
She smiles. “What do you want to do right now?”
“Eat,” I say and smile back. “I’m hungry.”
“We could go somewhere else.”
“We can go anywhere you want, but it doesn’t really stop the problem.”
Her smile widens. “The place I have in mind can avoid that. Most of the people there don’t have TV, let alone prime channels.”
I don’t have to think about it. My eyes meet hers. “Yes, I’d like that.” I have a moment of panic. I’m pushing myself further away from my comfort zone, further away from the façade I desperately cling to. But I’m with Haley, and for some reason, she makes everything all right.
Haley
I pick up the glass of lemonade and take a sip, looking at Aiden through the dim light. He’s checked his phone five times since we sat down in this little hole-in-the-wall restaurant. It’s forty-five minutes from my house in the opposite direction of Billings. I almost feel guilty when we sit down. Almost. Aiden’s cockiness turns me off enough to not really care, though. This place is a dump. I can’t be sure it’s up to code, and if the health department somehow finds it out here in the backwoods, my guess is they’d shut it down.
Mom and I came here from time to time. It was the halfway point between her barn and another rescue. We’d met here before with horses. Mom took the more serious ones, the ones that another rescue wasn’t equipped to handle. How Mom did it all on her own was beyond me. She had a gentleness to her, and the horses could sense it. Just being around her calmed them, and they knew they were in good hands.
I order my food, knowing there is something seriously wrong with me. Who turns down the chance to go to a fancy restaurant with someone famous? Other than worrying about how I’d look when the paparazzi snapped my picture, I should have eaten it up, right? Pretty much every female on the planet would give their left ovary to be wined and dined by Aiden Shepherd.
But not me, because there is something wrong with me. I don’t want to smile and be told I’m so lucky I got to go out with Aiden. I don’t want girls to look at me with envy. I don’t even want any of my old friends from high school to whisper and wonder if Aiden and I are sleeping together. I don’t want any of that. I don’t want to feel special.
Because I’m not special.
“If I get food poisoning,” Aiden says. “I’m blaming you.”
His voice—oh god, that accent—warms me. “We ordered the same thing, so we’d both get it. And fine. Blame me.” I smile. “I’ve been here a few times before and never got food poisoning if that makes you feel any better.”
He makes a face. “It kind of does.” I twist my straw wrapper between my fingers. We are sitting in the back, and only a few other tables are occupied. “Have you lived here your whole life?”
“Yeah. I like it,” I say because I know that’s his next question. Not everyone understands the appeal.
“It’s definitely different from what I’m used to. Living in London and then L.A. and then coming here. It’s almost like culture shock all over again.” He inhales. “It’s weird how it’s so big, how spaced apart thin
gs are, yet everything has a sense of community. I feel like an outsider, to be honest.”
His remark strikes me. I didn’t think he was capable of feeling like anything but the shining star. Maybe he does pay attention to things around him and he’s not the center of his own world all the time.
“I can see that. It’s a different world, that’s for sure.”
“It’s probably good for you, though, with the horses I mean. There’s lot of room.”
“Yeah, there is, but it doesn’t matter if you don’t own it.” Mom was saving to buy a ten-acre lot across the street from our property. It had an aging pole barn that with a little work could house eight more stalls and was within walking distance from our house. It would allow her to take in more horses. Thinking of Mom, the pole barn, and being here, in this crappy restaurant without her, sends a spike into my chest. I’m hit with dizziness and suddenly I can’t breathe. Smoke swirls around me and crackling flames rise up on the walls.
Aiden’s face fades from my sight. He says something, but the words are lost under the terrified cries of dying horses. I need to get out of here. I need to find Mom and save her—like I didn’t before. I saved myself and I saved Phoenix, but I didn’t save Mom.
“Haley?” Aiden asks. I can’t see him, can hardly hear him. “Are you all right?”
My hands start to shake and my eyes fill with tears from the smoke. I’m choking and I can’t move. The heat hurts and I realize I’m on fire.
“Haley!” A hand lands on mine and I jolt forward. The flames retreat. I blink a few times and look at Aiden. I’m disoriented; my ears ring, and I’m swaying in my seat. Aiden gets up, dark eyes full of fear. He slides into the booth next to me, one hand resting on my waist, right on top of a patch of scar tissue that still feels like it’s on fire. I jump back, wincing in pain.
“Sorry,” he says and takes his hand off me. “I won’t touch you.”
“No,” I pant and close my eyes. This was a mistake. “You can.” I take another breath, lungs feelings like they are filled with smoke. Trembling, I reach for him, my hand sliding on top of his. “Just not there.” I put his hand on my hip.
“Uh, okay,” he says and moves closer. “Haley, are you…no, you’re not okay. What’s going on?”
He pushes my hair out of my face. I shake my head. “I can’t. I’m sorry, Aiden. I just can’t. I told you that you wouldn’t want to go out with me, that you’d regret it.” He’s blocking me in the booth. I twist and stand. “I…I need some air.” He stands, stricken, and lets me pass. I hurry through the restaurant, almost running into a waitress on my way out. I don’t stop until gravel crunches under my feet. I double over, gasping for breath.
You will not cry, you will not cry. My hands cover my face, and my entire body trembles. My scars hurt so badly, but the physical pain is nothing compared to what I’m feeling inside.
I saved a horse over my own mother. I took Phoenix outside instead of grabbing Mom’s arm and pulling her out with me. I assumed she was behind us. I assumed she was safe. My assumptions cost her life. I move my hands to my mouth, keeping the sob inside of me. I rock back, and tears roll down my cheeks.
“Haley?” Aiden says softly. “Are you okay? You’re, uh, freaking me out.”
Great, just fucking great. On top of everything, I’m not only ruining Aiden’s night, but I’m freaking him out. I push my shoulders back and shake my head, unable to speak without crying. He keeps walking until he’s by my side. I can feel his eyes on me, but his stare isn’t judgmental. He’s concerned. Slowly, he slips his hand into mine and leads me to the grass next to the parking lot. We sit, and I’m doing everything I can not to break down.
“I got our food to go,” he says as he picks a strand of grass, twisting it around his finger. “I’ll go in and get it. I wasn’t sure if you’d still want to eat or not, but I assumed you didn’t want to go back.”
I nod and steal a quick glance at him. He’s got my purse too. A few minutes pass and he’s still there, still next to me. Finally, I control myself enough to speak.
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper. “You can go if you want. I’ll find a way home, don’t worry.”
He looks at me like I’m as crazy as I feel. “I’m not going to leave you when something is going on. I know what it’s—I can tell you’re really upset.”
I pull my lips around my teeth. The panic and guilt start to turn into embarrassment. “I am, and I’m kind of mortified.”
“Don’t be,” he says, nudging me softly. “Haley, what’s going on?”
I shake my head and close my eyes, barricading the tears. “I can’t.”
“I know,” he says slowly. “About the fire.”
My eyes fly open and I lean away. “How?” I rasp.
He looks ashamed. “I Googled your name after we met. I, uh, wanted to know more about you.”
He cared enough to search the Internet for me? “Oh.” I shrug. Maybe famous people didn’t realize how normal that was. I’d spent hours Googling pictures of him before.
“Is that what upset you?”
“Kind of,” I start. “Well, yes, it’s that completely, but it’s gotten…” I trail off. I haven’t told anyone about the visions, not even Lori. I press my hands to the ground to try and stop the shaking. What the hell is wrong with me?
He takes off his coat and drapes it around my shoulders. Physically, it’s warm and comforting, but it’s more than just that. I turn to him.
“I’ve been having flashbacks to that night. I see everything all over again like I’m really there. I feel the fire. I smell the smoke. I can’t breathe.” Tears stream down my face. “I know I’m not really there, but it consumes me. And I haven’t told anyone, because I should be getting better, not worse, and I’m not. Something is wrong with me, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You should never have taken me out.”
His eyebrows push together, and there is so much emotion in his brown eyes. “Haley,” he whispers. “Don’t say that. What happened was awful. I don’t think there is anything wrong with you, either.”
I shoot him an incredulous look. “Look at me! I’m on a date with you, and I’m sitting in the grass, shaking and crying. I should be posting pictures and feeling happy and excited, but I’m not! I don’t feel anything!” I push up onto my feet and stare at the mountains in the distance. I’m feeling so disoriented right here and now, and I can’t trust myself to think rationally.
The flashbacks, the extreme embarrassment, the worry about money and how the hell I’m going to afford the formula for the foal…it’s too much. I’ve reached my breaking point, and I just happened to reach it while on a date with one of Hollywood’s most eligible bachelors.
I bite my lip and try to suck back the tears. Aiden is watching me, standing a few feet back. I can’t look at him, can’t see horror and regret in his eyes. I turn and realize the only horror and regret is my own. Aiden is looking at me like he knows exactly how I feel.
Aiden
A tear rolls down her cheek and she bites her lip, trying not to cry. Then her face breaks and her shoulders slump forward. I stand there, shaking, terrified of the raw emotion. My heart breaks for her and I rush forward, wrapping her in my arms as she sobs. It’s beautiful and it’s tragic, and in that moment, I’ve never felt anything more real.
The pain. The sorrow. Her loss. The darkness I try to hard to keep out, that I fight tooth and nail but can never fully avoid. I hold her and feel it all. It swarms around me, filling me, hurting me, opening my eyes. I realize everything I’ve done to desperately hold it together slowly chipped away at me until there was nothing left, nothing but a shell of a man with an empty heart that I never thought was capable of feeling anything but hurt. A heart I thought was never worthy of a second chance, was never capable of redemption.
It’s then that I realize I never, ever want to let her go.
And it’s crazy because I don’t know her—really know her—but there is something so intimate about holding some
one as they cry. It exposes so much, and you can’t hold back as the tears fall and the sadness comes out in waves. I feel my own eyes mist over. I close them and cradle Haley close to me.
“There’s nothing wrong with you,” I tell her. “I promise you that.”
“Look at me,” she repeats. “Have you ever had a date end this way?”
“Our date didn’t even start,” I say. “And hey, you didn’t go crazy and shave your head, so I say you’re doing all right.”
She laughs, and her arms slowly wrap around me. Something inside me relaxes. I sit and pull her onto my lap and we stay there in silence for a few minutes. Gently, I push her hair out of her face. “Want that drink now?”
“I need that drink now.” She stands up and wipes her eyes, smearing her makeup across her cheeks. “And really, I won’t hold it against you or call the tabloids on you if you drop me off at home and call it a night.”
Tabloids? The word is jarring. For a few minutes I was the real Aiden again…and I didn’t mind. “It’s up to you, Haley. I’m not mad or upset, so don’t worry. I don’t like seeing you sad, and if you’d like, I want to try and cheer you up.”
“I’d like that.”
I stand and drape my arm around her. “Are you hungry? I can go get the food.”
“I am. And thanks, Aiden. I…I don’t know.”
“What?” I probe.
“I’m surprised by your kindness.”
“Ouch,” I say with a chuckle. “Thanks?”
She smiles and takes a step toward the restaurant. “Hey, you can’t really blame me, can you?”
I can’t, because I’ve fooled the world—and at times, myself—about who I really am. The partying, the women, the excessive spending, and run-ins with the American law…okay, so maybe I had a reputation. “No, I can’t. But I’m glad I surprised you.”
* * *
“Are you sure you don’t mind staying?” she asks for the third time, making me question if she wants me here. She’s the one who invited me inside once we got back to her house, and she’s the one who’s leading me up the stairs and into her bedroom.
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