Oh, Aiden, what the hell are you doing? Stop saying such beautiful things that warm my heart and turn me on. “Then why do actors always date actors?”
He slides his hands around my back and pulls me in. “It’s a whole other world, and other actors get it. I’m busy—really busy—and I’m not home that much. If I dated an actress, she’d be busy doing her own shit while I was working on mine.”
“That makes sense. I never thought of it like that before.”
He shrugs. “There are unspoken rules in Hollywood too. I, um, haven’t been in it that long, you know, so I don’t know them all. Yet.” He stammers a bit as he talks, embarrassed to admit it. It must be difficult to be thrust into a world of A-listers with only a few years of experience. Wait, what? Am I really feeling sorry for him for rising to fame so quickly?
Aiden, what are you doing to me?
“French toast?” I say and go back to the fridge. He tells me about the movie he’s working on, and we laugh about outtakes and botched lines. He helps me clean up after we eat and walks with me back to the barn. He’s so perfect it terrifies me.
He goes into the foal’s stall, petting her and offering her another bottle while I change Phoenix’s padded bandages and treat her wounds. Then we let Benny, Sundance, and Shakespeare out and watch them race across the pasture.
“What about Phoenix?” Aiden asks, not looking away from the horses galloping through the grass.
“She’s not ready to go out there yet,” I say. “I let her in the dry lot, which is a smaller pasture with not much grass. She’s not strong enough physically to have that kind of room. If she went to the back of the pasture and got too weak or tired to come in, it could be the end. Plus, there are mountain lions out there that would love a weak horse.” It hurts my heart to keep her in the small pasture. I hate seeing her alone. I tried putting Shakespeare in with her, but he was too friendly and wanted to nuzzle her neck, which is covered in burns. I don’t trust the others, and I don’t trust Phoenix to be alone with the foal. For now, both had to be kept alone. Being alone is unnatural for horses. Hell, it is for anyone. But sometimes there is no other way.
“They probably love baby horses, too.”
I nod. “Yeah, and she doesn’t have a mom to protect her and teach her how to watch for those things.” My own words send a chill through me, and Aiden moves closer. “Eventually, she’ll learn. Shakespeare has fostered before.”
“Isn’t Shakespeare a dude?”
I laugh. “He is. I mean he’s good at teaching manners. Horses learn by watching other horses. It’s fascinating, actually, to just sit and watch them interact.”
I push off the fence and turn to Aiden. His gaze locks with mine, and I close the distance between us. His arms lock around my waist.
“There are really mountain lions around here?” he asks as he looks at the pasture.
“Yeah, but they don’t go after the horses that often. The healthy horses, I should say.”
“What do you do if one goes after the horses?”
“Hope that I’m home, first of all,” I say, lifting my arms and resting them on Aiden’s shoulders. “Then try to scare them off. If that doesn’t work…well, you know. There’s a rifle in the barn for a reason.”
“And you know how to use it?”
I laugh. “If you have a farm out here and you don’t know how to use a gun, you’re in trouble.”
“You’re kind of incredible,” he says with a smile. “Like a character from a movie. Women like you shouldn’t really exist, yet here you are, standing in front of me.”
Be still my heart. Early morning sunlight pours down on us. Aiden moves his head down, and I know he’s going to kiss me. My heart lurches, and I don’t know if I should pull him to me or run away. I know exactly who he is, and I know how this will end. He won’t be here forever. He’ll go back to L.A., go to another location, and find ways to entertain himself between filming.
If I fall for him, it will be entirely his fault. His eyes close and his lips part. I want him to put those lips to mine, to drink me and make me feel. I want that kiss to linger, to remind me of how badly it will hurt when he leaves me.
He cradles my head and tips my chin up. Soft lips crush against mine, and I’m a goner. He pulls me in, tongue slipping past my lips. My breath escapes me, and I know I am most definitely falling, no matter how desperately I reach out to cling to something—anything—to keep me from plummeting off the edge of reason and logic and crashing into something I can never have, something that will never last. My heart skips a beat, and warmth flows through me. I tighten my arms around him, pulling him against me. He kisses me harder, mouth pressed against mine in desperation. He needs this as much as I do.
I’m falling for you, Aiden Shepherd. Please don’t catch me.
Haley
Aiden left soon after we let the horses out. His manager kept calling, and he kept declining the calls. After the fifth one, he grumbled and answered, then told me had to leave for a conference call and something about being the new face of some designer brand. He kissed me goodbye before getting in the car, and it was the same knee-buckling, panty-melting kiss from before.
Now I’m in the barn, cleaning stalls and feeling a little love-struck. I remind myself that this isn’t going to last. Aiden told me more than once he’s bored between scenes. He needs something to do, and someone to fill his time. And though he doesn’t say it, I can tell he doesn’t like being alone. He’s hard to read, and knowing he’s a damn good actor makes it even harder. It would be easy for him to fake anything.
One minute he’s deep and emotional—poetic, even. Then he’s cocky and knows he’s hot shit.
“It shouldn’t matter,” I tell Phoenix. She’s standing in the back of her stall with her head down. The muscles in her face are tight and her lips are pressed together, flattening her chin. She’s in pain. I set the pitchfork down and leave Sundance’s stall to go in with her.
Her ears, which are lowered, twitch ever so slightly when I slide the stall door open. She doesn’t turn her head to look at me. The little bit of happiness I had felt slips away.
“Hey, girl,” I say and slowly move closer. Her grain hasn’t been touched, which means she hasn’t gotten any of her pain medicine that was crushed up and hidden in applesauce. “Are you hungry, sweet pea?” I ask. Maybe the pills, though mixed in, turned her off. I quickly go to the feed bins and scoop more grain into a clean bucket. I set it down and step away.
Nothing.
She shows no interest. Then I notice her water is still full…and I didn’t have to fill it this morning. My stomach twists. I finish cleaning stalls, peeking at Phoenix in hopes I’d see her nibbling at her grain. But she’s still standing in the back of her stall, looking so miserable it breaks my heart.
I mix up another meal for the foal and pour it in a bucket, hanging it in the stall. She comes over and sniffs at it, then takes a drink. Thank God. I smile.
“There you go, baby. It’s the same as the bottle, and you can have as much as you want, anytime you want.” She takes another drink then comes to nuzzle me, wiping milk all over my shirt. I wrap my arms around her. “You’re going to be okay, aren’t you, baby?” I take her out in a small paddock and watch her run and prance. How anyone could throw away such a beautiful life is beyond me. The world is filled with horrible people. That is one of the many reasons I love horses so much, and not everyone gets that.
Horses don’t judge. They don’t hate, don’t discriminate. They don’t spend their lives holding grudges and trying to outdo one another. Why can’t people be more like that?
I go back into the barn to check on Phoenix. She’s still standing there, still not eating. I run inside and bring back the bottle of maple syrup from breakfast. I pour some on her grain and slide the dish over. She lowers her head. Yes, please eat! Her nostrils flare as she inhales. I hold my breath and watch, mentally begging her to eat. She raises her head, crushing me. Then she lowers it again and
nibbles at the syrup before digging in.
I’m still worried. She needs to eat a protein-rich diet in order to heal, and she’s just picking at her hay and grain. Maybe it’s because of the pain? It’s a cycle, then—not eating because of the pain, and not getting pain meds because she’s not eating. I go into the tack room to call Dr. Wells and see I have a text message from Lori.
Lori: OMFG look at Aiden’s Insty NOW!!!!
Great. Did he post that horrible photo? Part of me is frantic to see it, but part of me doesn’t even want to know. Ignorance is bliss, right? I already follow him on Instagram; he posts a lot of shirtless pictures of himself. Call me shallow, but I like to look at them. Lori even photoshopped me into one as a joke once and posted it on Facebook.
Oh, God. I never thought I’d be—what were we? Just friends—a love interest, perhaps—with Aiden. Never, ever. I still don’t believe it. The only thing making this all seem real is knowing my heart is likely to get broken in the end.
I bite my lip and log into Instagram. I have to scroll through a few other posts before I see it, see the picture of Aiden and me standing next to the foal. My hair is up in a messy ponytail. I’m holding the bottle with one hand, and the other is around the foal. I’m turned toward Aiden, a slight smile on my face. I scrutinize myself right away. My eyes are narrowed a bit, and my skin is uneven. My hair is a mess, and the sweatshirt doesn’t show any figure.
Aiden looks perfect, of course, and the baby horse is adorable. I look at myself again and realize I look happy. His snide comment worked, and I’m staring at him, our eyes locked, like we’re more than just friends. Then I read the caption.
So, I met someone. Someone pretty damn incredible, someone who will sacrifice her sleep and sanity to help the helpless, to give second chances to those deemed hopeless, those who others have already given up on. And this, folks, is what true beauty looks like. #BeTheChange #NurseMareFoals #SecondChances
I look up, blinking, then read the caption again. And again. And again. No, I’m dreaming. I black out my screen and step out of the tack room. No fucking way. I unlock the phone and log back on to Instagram. Yep, that’s really me looking lovingly into Aiden’s eyes, and him looking back at me just the same. And those are really his words typed under the image, and those thousands of likes and comments are really there.
I know right away that I shouldn’t read them. I can only imagine the mean things his fangirls would say, and reading that I’m fat and ugly isn’t something I want to do. Not now, not ever. But I can’t stop myself, and I press Load more comments as if something is controlling me. There are a few broken hearts and crying emojis in response to Aiden’s words, “So I met someone” since it comes off as more than I’m letting myself believe. But more than anything, there is an overwhelming amount of supportive comments, and I see several people talking about nurse mare foals, saying they hadn’t heard of it before but looked it up. Some even ask how they can help.
I smile and suddenly feel so small. It’s crazy how big of a response Aiden can get from a picture he posted fifty-three minutes ago. Having that kind of platform could raise so much awareness. And it might be even crazier to know that many people are looking at me right now, judging me like I’ve judged the random girls in Aiden’s prior posts for no reason at all.
It’s too much to think about. I set the phone down and pick up a rake, then remember the whole reason I got my phone was to call the vet. I’m shaken from the social media reverie, landing hard into the real world. Likes and comments aren’t going to make Phoenix eat. I call and leave a message for Dr. Wells, then crush up another pain pill and mix it with sweet feed and syrup, but that doesn’t fool Phoenix. I sigh and go inside. I have to pee and need to shower. Sleep would be nice, but with the foal needing to be fed soon, and the acidic ball of worry over Phoenix eating away at my stomach, I know that’s not possible.
* * *
I lay the bills out on the counter and hang my head at the end of the day. I refuse to cry over money. There has to be a way to cut costs somewhere. The cable…yeah, that can go. I don’t have much time to watch TV anyway, and I’ll have Lori DVR anything I’m dying to see (like when Shadowland starts up again next year). I need the Internet for work, and let’s be real—who can function without it anymore? I could turn off the air. It is hot, but I could manage. I’m at work most of the week, and Chrissy can stay in the barn where it’s cooler from the shade of the trees surrounding it. I’d have to cut down on long, hot showers too. Now I know why Mom always bitched about me taking twenty-minute showers.
The little bit I had set aside for groceries was gone. After talking to Dr. Wells about Phoenix not eating, I drove up to town and into the clinic to get a vial of injectable medication. She gave it to me at cost and it still hurt.
I get up and dump a box of macaroni into a pan of boiling water. I’m almost out of milk, and for a second I consider using a pinch of the foal’s formula. I sigh. Even if that weren’t gross, I couldn’t take it away from her. I sit back down and stare at the impossible numbers in front of me. Frustration builds inside, and it takes everything I have not to crumble up the bills and throw them across the room.
My phone rings, and I snap my head around, anger leaving me. Aiden said he would call though I didn’t really expect him to…but at the same time I thought me might. He was messing with my head in the worst way. And my heart—don’t even get me started on that.
It’s Lori again. Oh, right. I was supposed to call her hours ago.
“Hey, lady,” I say when I answer.
“Oh my God,” she starts. “You hate me, don’t you? You fucking hate me.”
I laughed. “Completely despise you, actually.”
“I knew it. Now that that’s out of the way…spill! Unless he’s still there. Oh my God, is he?”
I laughed again. “No, he’s gone.”
“You’re killing me.”
I sit on a barstool and look out at the barn. I can see Phoenix from here; she’s still in the back of her stall, head down and unmoving. My stomach twists. “Well, I totally and completely ruined dinner.”
“How so?”
I tap my nails on the counter. I hadn’t told anyone about the flashbacks until last night. And telling Aiden seemed safe somehow. Deep down I knew he would leave and take my secrets with him. He isn’t going to pester me and tell me I need to start taking medication again or sit in a leather chair and tell a shrink my problems. My therapy can be done in a leather saddle instead…if I ever find it in me to ride again.
“I had a breakdown about Mom,” I say, and I feel like I’m lying, even though it’s the truth. “I started crying, and he was totally patient and kind.”
“Skip to the part where he spent the night.”
“We didn’t have sex,” I tell her. “The foal totally cock-blocked him.”
Lori laughs. “Wait. That baby needs feeding every few hours. So he stayed and took care of a baby horse with you and didn’t try to get in your pants? Holy fuck, he is perfect, Haley. If you don’t want him, throw him this way!”
“What about Kit?”
“Meh,” she says, and I know she doesn’t mean it. She loves that man. “That picture was the cutest thing ever.”
“I look horrible.”
“You really don’t. Then what happened?”
My lips curve into a smile. “I fell asleep and woke up to him bottle-feeding the foal. She was snuggling on his lap, and it might have melted my heart. Then we came inside, I made breakfast, and we went back to the barn. And…” I draw out. “He kissed me.”
“Ah! Yes! How was it?”
“It was really good. He’s a good kisser, which makes sense since he does a lot of kissing on screen.”
“You know I’m totally jealous. I always said he was my celebrity husband.”
The foal whinnies from the small paddock. I get up to check on the macaroni; I have a few minutes. I step into my boots and let Chrissy out.
“So?” Lori
asks. “Are you going to see him again?”
“He said he’ll call me, but I’m not going to hold my breath. I’m not really his type.”
“I’m glad you said it,” she says quickly. “And I mean no offense. You’re a total catch and you know I’d date you if I didn’t like peen so much. But, he’s a love ‘em and leave ‘em type. Don’t forget that.”
“I know. And I know I’m most likely his entertainment while he’s bored between scenes on the movie.”
“That’s true, but it doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy it while it lasts, ya know?”
I cross the yard, stopping outside the paddock. The foal skips over, excited for some company. “Yeah. I kind of thought the same thing.”
“Enjoy him for me, and let me know if he calls you.”
“I will. Talk to you later.”
“Bye, girl.”
I hang up, stick the phone in my pocket, and rub the foal’s head. In life, things can change, things can end, things can die in an instant. Maybe that’s the secret. Maybe that’s the key to being happy again. Take life for what it is, live in the moment, and enjoy something while it lasts.
Aiden
I lie in bed, feeling twitchy and restless. Haley’s been on my mind, distracting me from the Skype meeting with my agent, and then my manager. I sent Claire to get me food and something to drink. I ate in silence in my room, unable to stop thinking about the tears running down Haley’s face or the horrid scars on Phoenix.
I can imagine almost any situation and then make myself feel the emotions that go along with it. That’s acting in a nutshell. Being trapped in a burning barn, smelling the smoke and feeling the painful heat…it was terrifying. What I couldn’t imagine—well, I could but didn’t want to—was the guilt she must feel. Haley lived and her mother didn’t.
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