Aiden
We sit as close as possible on the porch swing. Pink, purple, and orange clouds stretch over snow-capped mountains, glowing behind the setting sun. I fell asleep after making love to Haley, drifting into a deep and peaceful sleep for four hours. She is better than any drug, any drop of alcohol. She doesn’t just dull the pain; she takes it away.
She’s my light in the dark.
I am in love with her. Undeniably, completely in love with her. But I don’t tell her. I won’t tell her, not yet.
“Will you stay the night with me?” she asks, running her nails up and down my arm.
“Yes,” I say with no hesitation, pushing off the porch and rocking the swing. Haley has her legs tucked up under her and her head resting on my chest. My arms are wrapped around her, holding her close to me. We’ve been sitting on the porch, watching the sun sink behind the mountains for a while, just enjoying each other’s company.
There is no hiding anything with Haley. I don’t have to act how Aiden Shepherd should act. I am just me. She sees me for who I am, the man behind the mask of fame and fortune. She makes me feel whole, makes me feel like I’m worth more than playing a part. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
“I don’t want to go back to work.” I sigh. I don’t want to leave this porch, leave this farm. I don’t want to ever leave Haley.
“I bet I don’t want to go even more,” she says back. “At least you get free lunch.”
I laugh and bend over, kissing her soft lips. “That is true. And I don’t have a boss who’s trying to look down my shirt at my tits every time he walks by.”
“No, only a few million strangers,” she says with a smile. “But not at your tits.”
I laugh. “I’m not supposed to go back to work yet,” I tell her. “I’m supposed to be resting for the rest of the week.”
“Really?” she asks, and the hope and excitement in her voice makes me want to tell her how deeply I feel. I almost do right then and there. Almost. Am I a fool for rushing into this? I don’t care if I am. I know how I feel in this moment, and the moment is all that matters. Life is too short to spend worrying about what is appropriate when it comes to matters of the heart. I know how I feel and I am in love with her. “What are you going to do?”
I shrug. “I haven’t thought that far ahead. I suppose I could go home.”
“Oh,” she says, the dejection heavy in her voice.
“Or I could stay here…with you.”
The smile returns to her face. “I’d like that a lot.” She takes my hand in hers and absent-mindedly runs her fingers over the scars on my wrist. “What happened?” she asks softly, her fingertip hovering over the scar.
My jaw tenses. The lie I always tell comes to mind, rushing through me but dying on my tongue. I close my eyes, feeling the darkness creep inside. I open my eyes and look down at Haley, and the darkness retreats, unable to compete with her light. “I tried to kill myself.”
The words cut through the air like the knife that sliced through my skin. Haley slides her finger along the scar then links her fingers through mine.
“I’m so sorry, Aiden.”
I nod. “I was sixteen and couldn’t…I couldn’t handle things, so I tried to end it. My sister found me before I got to the other wrist. I didn’t die, obviously.” She twists in my arms and holds me. I relax, feeling a weight I didn’t know was pressing on me lift. I hadn’t told this to anyone. Not to Kennedy, who’d asked about the scar more than once during our relationship. Not to the cast members of Shadowland, who had become my new family. Not to Claire, who’d been with me since the start. Not to anyone.
“Can I ask what happened to make you feel so hopeless? It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me.”
I hold her close, my heart pounding. No one knows what happened. It’s a secret kept in our family, a huge reason I moved from London to L.A. and never went back. “My dad…” I start. “My dad and I never got along. He liked to take his frustrations out on me.”
“He hit you,” she whispers.
“Not just hit. He beat the shit out of me. I passed out from it a few times and had my arm broken twice.”
Haley tenses then runs her hands through my hair, keeping me calm. “That’s awful, Aiden. I’m so sorry.”
“Me too. My mum knew. She saw it happen most of the time. And she did nothing. Just cowered and watched with tears in her eyes. She was scared of him, I know that now, but fuck, take us away, take us somewhere safe. She’d rather be with him than alone.”
“It still hurts you, doesn’t it?” she asks softly and sits up, urging me onto her. We resituate with my head nestled between her breasts.
“What does?”
“Life.”
I feel emotional, and I can’t answer right away. Haley is so kind, so caring. She is going through her own hell yet noticed what none of my friends did. “Yes,” I finally whisper. “It does. It shouldn’t because I have everything I’m supposed to have.”
“It’s not what you have, but who you have,” she says softly before she kisses me. My heart flutters in a way it hasn’t since I met her. It’s beating and I feel so alive, and for the first time in years I want to stay alive. I don’t want to think about death or slowly slipping away, about the life seeping from me like water into the ground, about everything fading to black as I cease to exist. I want to be with Haley, to feel everything, the good and the bad. I want to be here for her, and I’ve never wanted that for anyone before.
“I only recently realized that,” I say back just as softly. “I haven’t felt the hurt as badly recently, though. Not since I met you.” Her jaw tightens and tears glisten in her eyes. She just nods and rests her forehead against mine. “I don’t know why, but there is something about you that makes me feel okay.”
“That’s why you have all those pills,” she says, and I nod. She doesn’t speak. She just holds me, and I fear if she lets me go I will unravel and get swept away with the wind. My heart is racing and my fingers tremble. I’ve never felt so scared yet so relieved before. Haley believes in second chances. She thinks the worst of the worst are redeemable.
Will she think I am?
“Hey, I’m fine,” I say and kiss her. She melts into me, and the kiss turns into something more. Before I know it, my hands are under her shirt, cupping her breasts, and my tongue is in her mouth.
“I don’t want to lose you, and I don’t mean just to another woman. I don’t want to lose you to anything, Aiden. I’ve already lost so much. I can’t lose you too.”
“You won’t lose me, Haley.”
Tears fill her eyes. “Overdosing is dangerous, Aiden! You could die!”
“I’m not going to overdose,” I snap. “They’re just pain pills.”
Her eyes widen in horror. “Don’t you know that’s still dangerous?” she rasps.
I shrug and roll my eyes. It’s not like I was shooting up heroin. It was just prescription painkillers.
“I won’t overdose,” I say. “Haley, it’s fine. I know what to take and when to stop.”
She closes her eyes. “That doesn’t make me feel any better. If you’re drinking and take the wrong pill…it could be bad.”
“It won’t be bad. I promise.” I kiss her.
Tears run down her face. “If anything happened to you, it would kill me.”
“I’m sorry,” I say softly. “I’ll stop.”
“I don’t want you to hurt, and I don’t want you to get hurt. There has to be another way, and whatever it is, whatever it takes, I’ll help you. I want to help you.”
“You do, Haley. You don’t know it, but you do. Just being with you, just knowing you don’t think I’m hopeless, helps. I’ve never had that before,” I admit quietly. “There is darkness in me, Haley, and it won’t go away. It pulls me under and taints my thoughts, and sometimes I do bad things.”
Tears run down her face. “That doesn’t make you a bad person, and it certainly doesn’t make you hopeless.
You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met, Aiden, and I don’t mean physically. You saw past my heartache, and I see past yours. Please promise me you won’t take the pills anymore.”
“I promise,” I say, and I seal it with a kiss. I rest my head on her chest and cough. She rubs my back and I close my eyes. Haley made me rest all day, and I’m feeling better, but the stupid cough is lingering. We stay like that for a while, and I’m feeling peaceful and tired now.
She sighs. “I should check on the new guy and Phoenix, and bring the others in.”
“I’ll come with,” I say, sitting up.
“You can stay here or go inside and rest. You’re sick, so really you should rest.”
“You’re my girlfriend,” I say, watching the light return to her eyes when I say the word. “I want to help you.”
“You’re too good to me.”
I just kiss her and look out at the distant mountains as we stand. “You live in a postcard,” I say. “I never knew a view like this was possible from a porch.”
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it? I could never leave this place.”
“I don’t want to either,” I say, and it shocks me how much I’m dreading going back to L.A. I don’t want to leave Haley, of course, but it’s more than that. I don’t want to be around my fake friends, I don’t want to be pestered and followed by fans and paparazzi, and I don’t want to have to deal with the fast-paced life of being a Hollywood star.
I pull Haley into an embrace, looking at the quiet landscape, breathing in cool, fresh air, and feel conflicted. Not acting scares me. What the hell would I do? It’s not like I can go from being famous to working a regular job, right? There isn’t anything else I’m good at, anyway. And though I don’t need all my expensive shit, I’d miss having the money.
Haley’s eyes close and her face tightens. I hold her, wanting to take away whatever pain she’s feeling. She’s so beautiful, so kind, and unlike anyone I’ve ever met. I never believed in soul mates or true love, or any of that shit…until now. With Haley, I feel hope. I feel like she can see me, the real me, and my fucked-up past and still love me. I’m not scared to tell her, to show her, to let her know everything.
“You will,” she says quietly.
“I will what?”
“Leave.” The word is like a knife to my heart. She opens her eyes and looks at me. She drops her gaze to my chest, a line of worry forming between her eyes. “You will leave. You’ll finish filming, you’ll go back home…and then what?”
“I…I don’t know,” I say, taking her hands in mine. “We’ll figure it out.”
Her shoulders sag and her eyes close again, hiding the pain. “Why?” she asks, shaking her head. “You’ll go back, you’ll forget about all this, about me. You’ll find someone not…not grieving, someone you deserve. And you’ll be fine.”
And she won’t be.
“Haley,” I start. I slip my hands around her waist. “I won’t forget about you. I might go back to L.A., but that won’t mean things have to end. I haven’t thought that far ahead, but we’ll figure it out.”
She flicks her gaze to mine. “I have thought that far ahead, Aiden. And I don’t want…” A fat tear falls and rolls down her cheek. I catch it, gently wiping it away.
“I’ll never leave you,” I whisper. “Not completely. Yeah, I’ll leave the set. I’ll leave here and go on another set, film another movie. But it won’t change how I feel about you.”
“Aiden,” she says softly, and the pain in her voice breaks my heart. How can she not know how amazing she is? See how much I need her, how much she completes me. “I…I don’t know.”
She slips her hand into mine and leads me off the porch. We walk in silence around the house, going into the barn. “This is my life. It’s a broken mess right now, but this is me.”
“I know,” I say, not understanding what she’s getting at. “It’s broken but beautiful.” We slow outside the barn. “Let’s take it day by day.”
“Day by day,” she repeats as she looks into my eyes. “I can definitely do that.” We go into the barn, and I help her take care of the horses. I watch as she unwraps bandages, cleans wounds, softly talking to the horses as she works. I play with Aurelia as she brings in the other horses, and it hits me how much I like it here, and how much leaving will really hurt.
I don’t know what kind of future Haley and I have. It’s not something I think about—ever. A small part of me wants to believe that whatever happens, she’ll still be with me. Imagining life going back to the way it was before I met her makes the darkness swirl inside with fury.
The sky is midnight blue and dotted with a million shining stars when she closes the barn doors for the night. I slide my arm around her waist, and we slowly make our way up to the house. I look up, pausing.
“I never realized how bright it was before.”
“It’s not this bright in Billings,” she says. “The light pollution dims the stars.”
I turn to her, drawing her in. “The darker it is, the brighter the stars shine.”
Her lips pull up into a smile, and she tips her head to the heavens. “Something like that.” Her hands run down my back. “What do you want for dinner?”
I can’t help but smile, again getting hit with how normal everything is. Normal and perfect.
“I don’t really care. I’m not a picky person.”
“That’s good. I’m not the best cook.”
I hug her tightly. “We can order something.”
She wrinkles her nose. “We don’t get deliveries out here.”
“Oh right, you live in the middle of nowhere.”
“Hey now.” She laughs. “I like this nowhere.”
“I like it too. Maybe I can bribe someone to bring us pizza with a really big tip?”
“You can try. But it might be cold by the time it gets here.” She narrows her eyes. “Now I really want pizza. Thanks.”
I laugh and kiss her, then see a flash of light overhead. I look up and see another. Time stops and it’s just the two of us, standing underneath the small meteor shower. It’s gone in only seconds, but it’s unlike anything I’ve seen before.
Kind of like Haley.
She hooks her arms around me, and a breeze blows her hair across my face. I tuck it behind her ears and look into her eyes. The words are inside of me, begging and pleading to be let out.
“Haley,” I start. “I meant what I said, you know.”
“You said a lot of things,” she replies with a smile.
“About me not really leaving you.”
The smile fades away. “I…I don’t know, Aiden. I don’t want to think about it because I know it will happen, and when it does…” She shivers in the cool night air. “I don’t want to get hurt.”
“I won’t hurt you,” I promise. “Haley, I…I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I know it’s crazy because we haven’t been together long at all, but I feel like I’ve known you for years, like you see me, the real me, and accept everything. It hurts to think about not being with you. I…I think I love you.”
Tears roll down her cheeks and she tenses, which is not the reaction I’m hoping for. She pulls away, shaking her head. “Please don’t tell me that.” Her voice is tight as she tries not to cry. “Don’t tell me you love me.”
“I can’t lie.” I put my hand on her cheek, turning her face in. “I am in love with you.”
“No. You…you shouldn’t. I’m not what you need, Aiden. I’m sorry, but you’re wrong. I’m no good for you.”
My eyebrows push together and cold tingles make their way down my back. I just poured my fucking heart out to her. “Haley…why?”
“I’m scared,” she whispers.
“Scared of what?”
“You.”
I feel like I’ve been sucked under icy water. I put my hands on her cheeks and kiss her, not knowing what else to do.
“I’m already broken, Aiden. If you break my heart, I won’t survive it.”
“I won’t break your heart. I won’t hurt you.” I put my lips to hers, tasting salty tears as I kiss her. “You might be broken, but I love every shattered piece of you.”
“Oh, Aiden,” she cries, and her arms go around me. My mouth finds hers, and I can’t kiss her hard enough. Tears stream down her face.
“I love you,” I say again. She doesn’t say it back, but she doesn’t tense. She just kisses me harder and pushes her hands under the hem of my shirt. We stumble back, and I push her against the side of the barn. Bugs swarm around the light outside the door. I pull back to swat them away.
“Let’s go inside,” she pants, taking my hand. We hurry through the yard and into the house, picking up right where we left off. She peels off my shirt, throwing it on the kitchen floor. A trail of clothing leads to the living room, and soon we are making love on the couch again.
I hold her when we’re done, not intending on letting her go anytime soon. She closes her eyes and puts her hand over my heart, feeling it beating. She might not be ready to say she loves me yet, but I’m not giving up. Not now, not ever.
Haley
My heart is racing and I’m lying still. It’s just after three a.m., and Aiden and I just had sex. Again. We both fell asleep quickly, but Aiden’s insomnia struck, and he woke up after just an hour of rest. After tossing and turning until he couldn’t take it anymore, he woke me up by softly stroking his fingers against my clit. I have to be up in three hours, but I’m not complaining. He can wake me up that way anytime he wants.
His lips press against the back of my neck, and his arms slip around me. I relax against him and close my eyes. His breathing slows as he drifts back to sleep. Everything is perfect. I should be happy, elated.
Aiden is, well, Aiden Shepherd, the famous, insanely good-looking actor. The fact is salient to me, but I don’t feel starstruck around him anymore at all. He’s just Aiden to me. Just himself and he is fucking wonderful.
And he told me he loved me.
My heart skips a beat when I think about it. I do love him, don’t I? I want to, and I want to believe him. But I can’t shake the feeling that this is all a phase for him. Being away from the crowded, materialistic city he’s used to, away from constant social media feeds, paparazzi…it can feel like a different world, and it’s easy to lose yourself to something exotic.
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