“Never say never. Hearts get broken when you do.”
“I am never going to break your heart. I love you, Haley. I will never hurt you.”
Tears leak from my eyes. I’m still shaking from the flashback. I cup his face in my hands and kiss him. I want to believe it’s true. And if I’m taking things one day at a time, then for right now, I need to.
I nod and he kisses me again. We fall back, and he’s lying on top of me, softly running his fingertips up and down my arm. “Do you want to stay here, and I’ll finish breakfast?”
I nod then quickly shake my head. “I can do it. You don’t have—”
He silences me with a kiss and gets up. I bring my legs to my chest and close my eyes, thinking only of Aiden’s warm embrace, the way his heart beats against mine. I dig my nails into the couch. Breathe, just breathe. I’m calm enough to get up.
Aiden opens the window above the sink, helping to rid the room of the smell of burnt bread. My heart sinks with guilt. He’s too good for me. How can I be there for him if I freak out like this at nothing, and with no warning?
“I can’t go to the premiere with you,” I say, and Aiden whips around from the stove.
“Why not?”
I shake my head. “Me. This whole situation. I’ve got a few screws loose, and you won’t want me around you in public. I’m a mess, and I don’t want you to get messed up by being around me.”
“Haley,” he starts, but I know he sees the merit in my argument. He turns the burner off and sets the spatula down. “If you are a mess, then it’s a beautiful mess.”
I close my eyes. Oh, Aiden. Why do you have to be so amazing? Can’t you see my life is spiraling out of control, that I’m losing my grip on reality?
“You are the most amazing person I’ve ever met, Aiden. I don’t want to hurt you or burden you with my baggage.”
“I’m really not that amazing,” he says softly.
“Yes, you are to me.”
“I love you.”
I close my eyes, trying to let down the walls so the words can sink into me, fill me, raise me up. But I can’t. I’m scared, and not just of getting my heart broken. What is wrong with my brain? Why am I flashing back in time, back to pain and fear and fire? “You shouldn’t. There is something hopelessly wrong with me.”
His arms go around me, and he looks out the window at the barn. “You don’t give up on them, no matter how hopeless it seems. You told me everyone deserves someone to fight for them. Let me fight for you, Haley. Let me love you.” Tears well in my eyes and I just nod, unable to say the words back. “There is nothing wrong with you. Something horrible happened, and it will take time for you to heal. Time, Haley. Time and someone to wait for you.”
“I don’t want to make you wait. It’s not fair.”
“Hey, it’s not like you’re making me wait for sex,” he jokes, lifting some of the heavy emotion. “And,” he starts, his eyebrows pushing together, “you’re worth waiting for. I wish you could see that.”
It’s hard to see anything over the flames. Except him. “I don’t want to disappoint you,” I confess, letting out my breath and flattening my hand against his chest. “So, what should I wear to this premiere?”
He smiles down at me. “Don’t worry about that.” His hands slip down to my ass, and he pushes his hips against mine, his semi-hard cock rubbing against me.
“When and how long will we be gone? I need to find someone who can take care of the horses and Chrissy.”
“Two Saturdays from now, and we can leave Friday night and be back Sunday. I can’t miss any days of filming. It’s a four-and-half-hour flight, which isn’t that bad, but I think you’ll want to get in Friday so you can rest and we can fuck.”
I laugh and nod. “I’ll hold you to it. Will I be with you the whole time?” My heart beats faster as I think about walking down the red carpet. Holy shit, I’m going to panic there. What if someone asks me questions?
“You will,” he says. “And premieres are kind of boring, really. There’s just a lot of posing for pictures and answering the same questions over and over while acting like you—oh,” he says, shaking his head. “If you’re with me, the rumors and speculation will start about us being a couple.”
“That’s bad?”
“Are you ready to be pestered? It’s not like anyone will come knocking on your door—well, most likely not—but you’ll be in the public eye.”
“Oh,” I say. “You’re right.” I lace my fingers through Aiden’s. “I didn’t forget, but I didn’t think about it either.”
“I know.” He smiles. “And that’s just one reason I like being with you. I’m just me when we’re together.”
“Just Aiden is a pretty amazing man.”
“As long as you think so. Do you feel up to riding today?”
My stomach flip-flops, but not with abhorrence at the thought of saddling up without Mom. I’m excited. “Yes.”
Aiden
I lie in lush grass, the warm sun beating down on me. Aurelia wiggles around on my lap, pushing her head onto my shoulder. Once she gets comfortable, I fold my arms around her and close my eyes. Haley is working with Sundance. I can hear hooves pounding on dry dirt as she talks to him, giving him commands and praising him.
Out of all the exotic places I’ve been, places with white sandy beaches and crystal-clear waters, places full of bikini-clad women waiting on me hand and foot, places claiming to be paradise, nothing compared to this. The darkness has settled inside of me. It’s still there, I can feel it, but it’s gone dormant. I stifle a cough, not wanting to disturb the little foal sleeping on me, and close my eyes.
I’m almost asleep when my phone rings. Aurelia startles but doesn’t get up. She huddles closer to me, wanting me to protect her.
“Shhh,” I soothe and silence the call. It’s my manager, and he’ll leave a message if it’s important. Seeing his name pop up reminds me that this isn’t really my life. I’ll have to leave eventually and go back to the hustle and bustle that is my life. I don’t want to, and thinking of the way I used to live makes me a bit ashamed.
A minute passes before my phone alerts me to a message. Ah, fuck. He’s left a long message. I sigh and unlock the phone, not wanting to hear what he’s got scheduled for me but knowing that putting it off won’t solve anything either.
I have promo appearances for Shadowland scheduled to start next month, a reminder about panels at San Diego Comic-Con later this month, a radio show I can record via Skype in my hotel room, and another talk show scheduled for this week. I groan and hang up, not deleting the message yet. So much for spending the whole week resting with Haley.
I pet Aurelia, her soft fur warmed by the sun. I actually like doing talk shows—once I get over my nerves. They turn out to be fun and are pretty easy. Plus, I look good to fans, which is important to me. Image is everything, they say.
I have to leave Thursday afternoon to be in Burbank in time for filming the talk show. I could stay in California for the rest of the weekend, not having to be back here for work until Monday. That isn’t happening. I don’t want to be away from Haley longer than I have to, and I wish she could come with me. It’s not that easy, I know. She has a job, and most of all, the horses.
Aurelia gets up after a while and wants to play. I chase her around until I can’t stop coughing, then go into the barn to see the two injured horses. The big gray guy nickers softly, pressing his nose against the bars of the stall.
“Hey there,” I say, petting him. I haven’t looked at his leg yet. I cast my eyes downward, hesitating. He’s up, though limping, so it can’t be that bad. I move closer and look. The fur has been shaved away, and dark stitches weave around his pink skin. It’s sickening to know someone did that to him. I shake my head.
It’s odd, how being in this small town has pulled my head out of my arse. I’ve lived out of touch with reality, taking everything for granted. Sometimes I forget I’m only human. I’m not immune to the bullshit that g
oes on around me; I just choose to ignore it.
I let out a breath and move to Phoenix’s stall. She’s standing in the back, head hanging in front of her. Can horses be depressed?
“I know how you feel,” I say softly, unlocking her door. I slide it open half a foot and sneak in, closing it behind me. “You have someone who cares about you,” I tell her, and I’m reminded that Haley feels guilty for not being able to spend much time with the horse.
I lean against the door and see a pile of uneaten hay on the ground. I grab a handful and go to her, grimacing when I see the burns along the right side of her body. The scene plays out before me: Haley and her mom trapped inside a burning barn. The heat, the smoke, the flames inching closer and closer. I can’t think of anything more terrifying. And then somehow Haley gets out, looks back, and her mom isn’t there. Or at least that’s how I imagine it.
“Are you hungry?” I ask Phoenix as I hold out the hay.
She flicks her ears to me and sniffs the hay. I hold out my other hand and gently touch her black fur. She doesn’t move.
“You’re lucky,” I tell her. “Lucky you made it out and lucky you’re here.”
She sighs, and I continue to pet her. Her head comes up, and she takes the hay from my hand. I grab another handful and take it to her, going back for more each time she eats it.
“Want more?” I ask. “There’s a ton over here.”
I lean against the stall, pressing a hand over my chest as I cough and roll my eyes at myself. It’s so annoying to be sick. Phoenix tentatively takes a small step. Hey, progress is progress, right? I stand there, thinking this is what Haley would do, and hold out a handful of hay. Finally, she turns and takes it.
“Good girl,” I praise. “Look, there’s more.”
She lowers her head and slowly nibbles at it. The gate to the round pen opens, rusty hinges squeaking. I look out and watch Haley bring Sundance in. She walks right past me and stops, doing a double-take.
“Phoenix is eating?” she asks me, her green eyes going wide.
“I think so,” I say, looking at the horse sifting through her hay. “It took a little convincing.”
The smile on Haley’s face is worth taking all the time in the world to get this horse to eat. She is so beautiful. She puts Sundance in his stall and rushes over, sneaking into the stall. Her arms slip around me and I kiss the top of her head. She smells like fresh air and sunshine.
“How did you do it?” she whispers.
I shrug. “I did what I thought you’d do,” I confess. “I brought her handfuls at a time until she turned and came over to finish the rest, and it worked.” Her smile widens, and it’s one of the few times since we’ve met that she actually looks happy.
“How did Sundance do?” I ask.
“Okay,” she says. “Alexis, that girl who came with us Friday, is going start coming over to help out. My mom used to give her lessons, so she’s familiar with these guys. With the extra help, he might be able to start looking for a home in a month or so.”
She rests her head against me, and I know she’s tired. She got up at six thirty. I heard her alarm go off and her groaning as she pulled back the covers.
“How do you find them homes?”
“The Internet is really helpful,” she says. “But my mom was always super strict with who they went to. She looked at where they’d keep the horse, what vet they’d use, and required two letters of recommendation.”
“That’s intense.”
“It is. She really cared about the horses. She’d keep them here as long as it took though it never seemed to take that long. It’s kinda lame, but I always felt like something up there was finding the matches, rewarding her for her kindness.”
“That’s not lame,” I say, pushing a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “You might be right. There aren’t a lot of kind people in this world. I hope they are rewarded.”
“My mom was one of them, and not just with the horses. She’d help anything and anyone. It didn’t matter. If you needed something, my mom was there.” She closes her eyes, and I can feel her hurt. I run my hand down her back.
“You’re kind too. One of the kindest I’ve ever met.”
She wrinkles her nose. “Nah. I just like horses more than people.”
I laugh and look at Phoenix, trying to see the beauty behind the fear and the scars. “Do you ever wonder why people are cruel?” I have, quite often. And not just people, but the world. When the darkness takes over, I struggle to see the point of living in the world.
“We live in a world where people mistake kindness for weakness, and nobody wants to be weak,” she says slowly. “I think people confuse courage with cruelty sometimes, but they couldn’t be more wrong. It takes courage to be kind, to do what should be done. Standing up for yourself, doing what’s best for you…where do you draw the line? At the expense of others?” She shakes her head and lets out a breath. “Being kind doesn’t mean you get walked over. It means doing the right thing, not the easy thing. It’s having mercy and wanting to contribute to a world that’s larger than yourself.”
Her words awaken something inside of me that tingles uncomfortably: the truth. I’ve done what was easy, what made me look and feel good in that moment. I’ve put others down, taken advantage of anyone I could, and used my fame to get my way. That’s what I’m supposed to do, right? How could it be wrong if it was expected?
“Ready to ride?” she asks, taking a step back.
“As long as you are.”
“I am,” she says. “I’m going to run inside and pee first, and grab us water bottles and food.”
“That’s a good idea,” I tell her as I follow her out of the stall. She eyes Phoenix one more time, a slight smile still on her lips. I change while she uses the bathroom, putting on jeans, a baseball cap, and sunglasses. When I go back downstairs, Haley is on the back porch, calling Chrissy inside.
“It’s too hot for you,” she tells the dog. I love how she talks to animals like they are people and can understand. “Stay in here where it’s cool and I’ll let you out later, okay?” She gives the dog a treat before we go into the pasture to bring in the horses.
A short while later, they are saddled up. She holds Benny’s reins as I get on. He doesn’t stand still like the well-trained horses I ride on set.
“He’s an asshole,” she says as she effortlessly gets on Shakespeare. He stands perfectly still. I watch her sink into the saddle and relax instantly. It’s been a long time sine she’s ridden, but it looks so natural for her. The worn leather of the reins slides through her fingers, and her feet slip into the stirrups. Her shoulders go back and she smiles, tilting her head to the sun. “Don’t be afraid to be assertive with him.”
“Thanks for making me ride the arse,” I say, raising an eyebrow.
Haley smiles. “If he’s too bad, we’ll switch. He’s good on trails though, and he’ll pretty much just follow Shakespeare anywhere.”
She cues the white horse forward, and Benny falls in step behind him, just like she says. I didn’t have to do anything. I’m a little relieved since I had problems with a well-trained horse like Rusty. We ride down the driveway and cross the street, going along an overgrown path that leads to woods. Haley slows Shakespeare to a stop.
“Do you see that barn?” she asks, pointing across a weedy field that’s encased by trees.
I lean forward, one hand on the saddle horn, and squint. “I think so. I see something.”
“That barn and the land has been for sale for years. It’s way overpriced, but my mom wanted to buy it and expand the farm. She wanted to take in more rescues.”
“Sounds like she was an amazing person,” I say.
“She was.” Haley takes a breath and runs her fingers through Shakespeare’s mane. “The barn is full right now. Sundance shouldn’t be there, or he should at least be in the process of finding a home, but, well, you know. Having another barn for more rescues would be nice.”
“Isn’t it a lit
tle far from your house?” I ask.
“It’s not that bad, really. My mom had the crazy idea of making it a legit non-profit organization with workers, and running clinics on behavior problems. It would be open to the public, so she didn’t want it that close to the house.” Haley smiles and shakes her head. “I want to buy it, even though I can’t manage the one barn I have. But I want to for her, ya know? Maybe someday.”
She cues Shakespeare forward and turns around, and sunlight sparkles in her eyes. “How good of a rider are you? You said you’re, uh, a beginner, right?”
I laugh. “That’s a nice way of putting it. I think I’m okay, but the horses I ride are always very well trained with their handler nearby. I get constant cues and help,” I admit. It’s not like this, even though you’d never guess by watching someone riding a horse on TV or in a movie. Someone is nearby at all times. I’m never just out in the open.
I’m never free like this.
She pushes Shakespeare into a trot and circles around. “Put your arms down,” she says. “If Benny bolts and you need to pull the reins back, you’re going to run out of room when your hands hit your chest. Think of it like a “V” with the reins. It gives you much more control.” I nod and lower my hands. She slows next to me. “And push your heels down. Actually, bring your whole leg back and sit deeper in the saddle. Like this.” She pitches forward then slowly rolls her hips into place. “And when you want him to stop or slow down, ask with your seat first.”
“Come again?”
“Here, watch Shakespeare.” She loosens her reins and asks him forward. She shifts her weight, sitting on the back pockets of her jeans, and the horse stops. “He’s very responsive. Benny isn’t. He’s an ex-racer and was trained to have someone pulling on his mouth. But sitting deep helps. He knows what you’re asking.”
“And they can feel all this through the saddle?”
“Oh yeah. Horses are incredibly sensitive creatures. Shakespeare is calmer and easier to ride than Benny, but you have to be aware of everything with him. Just brushing your legs against his sides can make him go forward. You have to really communicate with him what you want.”
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