by Callie Hart
I take hold of the bottom of his t-shirt, not knowing what the fuck to do—if I want to tear through the thin material or just have done with it and rip the damn thing over his head. “Do it,” I pant. “It’ll be okay. I think…I think I’ll be okay.”
A brief, flicker of hesitation flashes in his eyes, but it's gone before it even really forms. Gritting his teeth, a guttural, pained sound works free from the back of his throat. “No.” He shoves away from me, throwing himself back toward the other end of the couch, then he groans again, running his hands through his hair, tugging on it hard. “We should be smart. We should wait,” he says breathlessly.
Oh, my fucking god. Silver Parisi, what the fuck is wrong with you? I am the one who was assaulted, beaten and humiliated, and yet it’s me trying to rush into things now? “Shit. I’m sorry. I’m…fuck. I’m really sorry, Alex.”
He sits there with his hands still buried in his hair. Then he falls slack, sinking back against the couch. His hands drop to his sides, then he glances at me out of the corner of his eye. “It’s okay. It’s not a big deal.”
“But you’re a guy,” I say, wincing. “That kind of shit really is torture for you. Doesn’t it cause serious internal damage or something? If you get turned on and then you can’t do anything about it?”
Alex doesn’t react to this statement the way I expect him to. He twists around quickly, facing me, grabbing hold of my hand. “You know what that is, Silver?” he growls. “That is a lie told by pieces of shit who’ll say anything to get what they want. A fucking lie. There wouldn’t be a man left alive if that were true. I’m pretty sure every single adolescent guy in the world gets a boner on the bus on the way to fucking school each morning. We’re not out there, yelling at the driver, calling them a prick tease ’cause the vibrations from their fucking bus made our dicks hard. We’re not being carted off to hospital because we couldn’t have a moment to stroke our dicks and our balls fucking exploded. It’s part of being a fucking guy. We get turned on. Nothing comes of it. We all move on. End of story. Any guy who tells you otherwise is probably gonna end up using that bullshit as an excuse for raping someone down the line.”
“Oh.”
“Did he say that to you?” Alex snarls. “Is that the fucking line he pulled?”
“No.” My chest is so tight, it hurts. That night in Leon’s bathroom tries to rear its ugly head. The ugly memories try to surface, to command my attention, to take control and hurt me. I don’t want to remember, though. I am so sick of fucking remembering. I’m done with being held prisoner by that night. All I want to do is be here with Alex. To feel like I felt a moment ago, when I had my legs wrapped around him, and I felt like I was in charge of my own actions. I cover my eyes, forcing the images and that all-too-familiar fear back down into the basement of my soul.
“Sorry,” Alex says softly. “I shouldn’t have asked that.”
“It’s okay. I just…I…” I can’t find a way to tell him how I’m feeling right now. Or what I want. Frustration wells up inside me, tightening like a collar around my neck, suffocating me, and I know I’m on the verge of snapping. Normally, I’d retreat into myself at this point. Shut down and hide. I don’t want to be that version of myself anymore, though. If I ever want to overcome this instead of it overcoming me all the time, then I have to change the way I’ve been doing things, because obviously the old way hasn’t been working.
I’m shaking, nervous as hell as I get up off the couch. Alex frowns. He cracks his thumb knuckle, his jaw working, like he’s angry at himself. “You want me to leave?” he asks quietly.
“No. Just…stay right where you are.” I feel ridiculous and inexperienced as I take my shirt by the hem and slowly pull it over my head. I stand there for a second, stiff, the shirt dangling from my hand, watching Alex, trying to gauge his reaction. A fierce, tight look forms on his face. His posture’s rigid, awkward, his torso twisted a little from where he was turning to look at me a second ago, but he doesn’t move an inch. It’s as if he physically can’t move.
Dropping my shirt, I move onto my jeans, unfastening them and slowly, carefully sliding them down my legs. God, I want to be better at this for him. Confident and sure of myself. Kacey used to put on a show in her bedroom all the time, demonstrating the provocative strip tease she’d performed for Leon the night before, and this, what I’m doing right now? This is nothing like that. This is a simple, careful, shy undressing, and I feel like a fucking fool…
“Silver.” Alex’s voice is a coarse, uneven whisper. “What are you doing?”
I step out of my jeans, rolling back my shoulders, convincing myself to stand tall, even though I’m wearing nothing but my underwear. If I were Kacey, I would have been sporting a skimpy matching lingerie set. I wasn’t exactly planning this, though. My bra is white and lacy, my panties a pale baby pink, plain and simple. The garments are pretty, and I feel good in them, but they’re definitely not doing anything to make me look less innocent. “I want this,” I say softly. “I want you to see me.”
“Silver, we have so much time. There’s no need—”
I reach around my back, unhooking the catch on my bra strap. I’m a ball of insecurity as I slowly slip the straps over my shoulders, letting them fall down my arms. Do it, Silver. Just fucking do it. I need a few deep breaths before I lower my arms, allowing the front of the bra to fall away to the floor. My chest bare, breasts exposed, I stand, letting myself get used to the idea that I’m nearly naked. Alex’s eyes don’t waver from my face. Not even for a split second. I wait for his gaze to dip, to look down, but they don’t.
“What happened to patience?” he rasps.
I take another deep breath and finish the job, hooking the material of my panties at my hips and sliding them down. I’ve laid myself bare, and now I’m bathed in heat, bashful and slightly embarrassed, but also thrilled by what I’ve just done. I took control. I was brave. I realize I was unafraid, and that is a monumental step. “Fuck patience,” I say. “I don't want to wait. I want to be normal. I want to feel you insi—”
Far too quickly, Alex looks away, his head whipping around so that he’s looking out of the window. He’s frowning deeply, expression stormy, his dark eyes hard…and I’m struck with the awful realization that he might not actually want this. Oh, fuck…have I just stripped out of my clothes like some stupid, naïve little girl, assuming he’ll want me, when he’s not actually attracted to me like that at all?
No. No that’s just my paranoia talking. I know he wants me. I’ve felt him hard against me more than once now. He nearly just lost his shit when I was straddling him. So what the hell is his problem? I have to know, even if I’m afraid of what his answer might be. “Alex? Why won’t you look at me?”
He swallows hard, his eyelids shuttering. “I can’t. You’re…”
“Hideous?” I laugh quietly. A little sadly.
“God, no. You’re so fucking beautiful. I don’t deserve to look at you.” He hesitates, and when he speaks again, his voice is thick with emotion. “I’m no good fucking trash, Silver. I’m nothing. I have no fucking business being here. I sure as hell have no right to look at you like that. I can’t do it. It feels like stealing something that doesn’t belong to me.”
I hear the truth ringing in each one of his words. Not my truth, but his. He really believes everything he's just said, and it absolutely destroys me. I step forward, taking him by the hand, and I cautiously climb back onto his lap. Every nerve ending in my body is ringing like a bell. It'd be better if I could find something to cover up with first, but I need to perform immediate surgery on this broken man's soul. He needs to know exactly how I feel about him.
“Look at me,” I demand. When he doesn’t, I place my hands on either side of his face, and I force him to. His eyes remain diligently locked on my face. “You are not trash. You’re not worthless. You’re brilliant, and you’re clever, and I’m the one who’s lucky to have you in my life. We come from different places, Alex, but that doesn’t mean I’m be
tter than you, or that you’re less than me. I want you because of the way you challenge me. I want you because of the way you make me feel alive. I want you because you make me feel free. You’re better than any painkiller. You’re better than any drug. You’re strong, and you’re resilient, and you take what’s yours. So take me, because everything that I am is yours, given freely, gladly and fucking proudly.”
His chest rises sharply. With infinite care, he rests his hands on my bare thighs, his pupils dilated wide open. He’s still wound so tight, I feel like he’s going to snap any second now. “I’m far from perfect. I need you, Dolcezza. My hands are fucking aching for you. If I let my guard down for one fucking second, I’m not gonna be proud of myself. If you tell me to stop, I'll stop. If you tell me no, I'll hear you, and I'll fucking listen. But…if you don't…I won't be able to rein myself in. I'll kiss you. I'll touch you. I'll make you fucking moan. I'll sink myself so deep inside you, I won't ever want to stop fucking you, and I can't…”
My skin is on fire. My nipples are peaked so hard they’re actually hurting in the most delicious, dizzying way. The nervousness I felt before has gone now. The memories that have taunted me for so long are nowhere to be seen. All I can think of, all I can see, all I want, is Alex. I kiss him, pressing my mouth down hard on his, fisting his hair in my hands.
He resists for a second. His fingers dig into my thighs, and he lets out a pained groan. The tight grip he’s been holding over himself shatters into a million pieces when I yank on his hair, though. His hands slide up my back, hot and firm, pulling me to him. His tongue plunges into my mouth, and he kisses me savagely.
I may be vastly inexperienced when it comes to sex, but my body thankfully knows what it wants. I grind myself into him, rocking my hips against him all over again, and I moan breathlessly as my breasts rub up against his chest. Alex tears his mouth away, and the distant, hard edge in his eyes has disappeared, replaced by a vivid, urgent hunger that sends a hot surge of adrenalin through me. He looks at me, finally letting those impossibly dark eyes of his drop, skating down my body, and it’s almost too much to bear.
“Jesus, Silver,” he hisses. “You’re fucking incredible.” He cups my breasts in his hands, kneading my flesh, and a shudder travels through his body. I place my hands over his, encouraging him to squeeze harder, so I can fucking feel it, so that it’s almost painful, and he groans again. The sound of his pleasure makes me shake with anticipation.
I shouldn’t want to make him feel this way.
It shouldn’t feel so good to have his hands on my body.
I shouldn’t be so desperate for him that it feels like I’m about to ignite and catch on fire.
But I do.
He arches over me, leaning me back, holding me in his arms, and the next thing I’m aware of my nipple is in his mouth. He licks at the swollen, sensitive bud of flesh, then takes it into his mouth and sucks, and it feels like I’ve been struck by lightning, a bolt of heady pleasure firing between both my breasts, down in between my legs.
“Ahh! Holy shit!” I curve my body against him, winding my fingers into his hair, guiding his mouth down onto me, asking him for more, and Alex delivers. His teeth graze against me, fastening around my nipple, and I immediately react, rocking myself against him, needing to somehow get closer.
I had no idea it would feel like this. I had no idea I could want someone so much…
I’m needy and desperate as I grab at his shirt, trying to remove it from his body. He pulls away, giving me an open-mouthed, slightly dazed smile as he helps pull the shirt over his head. His eyes are so damn intense, driving into me, scouring every inch of me as he grabs me by the waist, spinning me over and lowering me onto my back by the fire.
He stands, unfastening his belt and then his jeans, kicking out of them, removing his boxers all in one go. The air seems too thick to breathe for a second, as he looks down at me, and I look up at him with matching expressions of wonder on our faces. He’s the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen. The swirling dark ink on his chest is beautiful. It travels up over his shoulders, down his arms, around his neck—too many patterns and images to take in right now.
His athlete's physique has always been obvious even through his clothes but seeing him naked is something else entirely. His chest and stomach are ridiculously muscled, his abs tensed. The faint definition that cuts down into his groin, forming a vee shape, leads my eyes naturally down to his cock. He's hard, standing to attention, bigger than I've imagined, the few times I’ve allowed myself to picture it. I swallow, a buzz of electricity pooling between my legs.
“Birth control?” he asks. “Do I need to get something?’
“No. No, I take the pill.”
Alex takes himself in his hands, squeezing, and I suck my lip into my mouth again. “Don't worry,” he says. “It won't hurt. I'm gonna make sure of it. God, your body is…” He shakes his head, like he's having troubling thinking straight. “You're perfect in every way, Silver. Your tits are fucking mind-blowing. I can't get enough of you.”
The feeling is more than mutual.
He crouches down, and I tense a little, even though I’m not scared. Not really. Alex’s hands run up the insides of my thighs, reverently stroking over my skin. “Remember…just say the word and all of this stops.”
I know he’ll stop, too. I trust him. This is nothing like before. I loosen my limbs, consciously taking a beat to relax, and he growls at the back of his throat when my legs part. “Fuck, Silver. Your pussy looks so fucking good. Do you know how wet you are? I can fucking see how turned on you are.”
It's a little embarrassing to think that it’s that obvious, but I shy away from that feeling. I want him to know, after all. I want him to know what he’s doing to me. I don’t want him to doubt. He drops down onto his elbows, his chest resting against my leg, and a dizzying wave of pleasure soars through me as he uses his tongue…
“Shit! Oh my god!” I rest my hands on his head, not sure what to do with myself as he laves against me, his tongue finding my clit and flicking against me. It feels… I have nothing to compare this to. I’ve seen guys go down on women before. I’ve been curious. I’ve looked up all kinds of things on the internet, but nothing has prepared me for how good this feels.
Alex hums against me, and the vibrations travel through my body. “So damn sweet,” he pants. “My Dolcezza. I’ve kept myself up at night, imagining what you taste like, Silver Parisi. You’re fucking delicious. I’m gonna want to eat your cunt for the rest of time.”
That word—cunt—sends all kinds of thoughts skittering around in my head. It's such a harsh word. So derogatory. But when Alex says it, using it like this, with his face buried between my legs, it turns me on so much I can hardly stand it. I angle my hips, opening myself to him, and he snarls fiercely against the inside of my thigh. “That's right. Good girl. Let me have you. Let me make you come. Flood my mouth, Dolcezza.”
Oh…my…god.
He licks and sucks, using the flat of his tongue to sweep up and over my clit, and before too long I’m shaking underneath him. When he carefully uses his fingers to rub against the opening of my pussy, I can do nothing but hold my breath and wait.
Slowly, so gently, he pushes his fingers inside me, and my spine arches away from the floor. “Ahh! Damn it, Alex!” This isn’t frightening. Far from it. It’s the most intense, pleasurable thing I’ve ever experienced.
He moves very deliberately, the muscles in his shoulders tight, as he waits to see how I'll react. I want…shit, I want more. I rock my hips, grinding them upward, and it's all the cue Alex needs. He teases me with his tongue faster, more insistently, using his fingers inside me to beckon and coax, pumping them rhythmically, and my eyes roll back into my head as a shockwave so overwhelming crashes into my body.
“Alex… Alex…” I pant his name. It’s a mantra on my tongue. A prayer. A curse. Before I know it, a bewildering, chaotic energy is building between my legs, inside me, reaching up into my stomach
and my torso, spreading along my arms…
The feeling swells, so powerful and formidable, and just when I think it can’t swell any further, it slams into me, rocking me to my core, white, blindingly light flaring behind my eyes. I claw at his back, trying to gasp out his name and failing.
“Ah—oh fu—shit, Ale—Oh my god! Oh, shit, shit, shit!”
The orgasm leaves me ruined, lifeless and limp. I’m still fluttering my eyes, trying to remember how to see straight when Alex climbs up my body and kisses me deeply. A little mortified, I realize that I can taste myself on his lips. Alex grins like a fiend when he pulls back. His grin turns into a frown, though, when I brush my fingers over his mouth, trying to clean myself from him.
“Don't you fucking dare, Parisi,” he growls. “I plan on savoring every last bit of you.” I try to hide my face in his chest, smiling awkwardly, but he doesn't let me. “Don't you have any idea how much that turns me on?” He takes my hand and slides it in between our bodies. My palm is closed around his hard-on a second later, and he's squeezing. I gasp at the feel of him—the firm yet silken, smooth texture of his skin as he guides my hand slowly up and down his shaft. His eyes are burning, filled with his desire as he repeats the action one last time, then tries to take my hand away.
This time I won’t let him, though. I tighten my grip around him, free of his guidance, mimicking the up and down motion. His cock pulses, hardening even further in my hand, and his body locks up, going stiff. “You don’t need to do that,” he whispers. “This should be about you.”
“It is about me,” I whisper back. “The way you’re looking at me right now…god, I want to feel you like this inside me, Alex. Please. I’m ready.”
Doubt flits across his face. The vines barbed with thorns around the base of his throat shift as he swallows. “You’re sure?” His lips form the words, but I barely hear him say them.
I make sure he can hear me perfectly, though. “Yes. I am one hundred percent sure. I want you. I want all of you. Now.”