‘Thanks, but no thanks,’ I shrugged. ‘I have some letters to write.’
‘Okay . . . By the way,’ she said as she went back to the cosmetics case to set up her make-up station in preparation for tonight’s outing, ‘did you see that hunk who arrived recently?’
‘Er, did I?’
‘You could hardly miss him; he’s at least as tall as you are, packed with rippling muscles and has the most seductive brown eyes ever.’
‘Oh, you mean Miles.’
Lizzie looked up at me, her mascara brush held in mid-air. ‘You’ve spoken to him?’
‘Yeah, he was on the trail this morning when I was out for my run.’
‘Now that is a man even I could imagine doing extremely rude things with,’ Lizzie giggled. ‘He looks like a movie star. Is he?’
‘No, he’s a lawyer.’
‘Wow, you two obviously got to know each other quite well this morning. He was sitting by himself when I went into the canteen at lunchtime. So, being the friendly, welcoming person I am, I went to sit with him. Two minutes later, he picked up his tray and left.’ Lizzie frowned. ‘So much for my pulling tactics, eh?’
‘I thought you were devoted to your husband?’ I said.
‘You know I am, but there’s no harm in window-shopping occasionally, even if you can’t buy the product! He looks far too fit to be in here. Why is he?’
‘He says he comes back every year to make sure he doesn’t relapse.’
‘This is my sixth time here, so I totally understand. I like it here because everyone is so friendly and you’re never short of someone to talk to. Not like at home.’
‘Doesn’t your husband miss you?’
‘Oh, he’s hardly ever at home either. And now that the children have gone, well . . . Anyway, if you’re sure you won’t come, I’d better be off. How do I look in these jeans?’ she asked, standing up and giving me a twirl. ‘I couldn’t even get them to do up when I arrived a few weeks ago. And please don’t lie, just say it how it is.’
I looked at her trim figure, with a narrow waist and pert little butt that any twenty-five-year-old would be proud of, let alone a woman of forty-eight.
‘Seriously, Lizzie, you look just great.’
‘Are you sure? My husband hates me in jeans – says I have a “jelly belly”.’
‘You don’t, I swear. Now you go off and have a great evening, okay?’
‘Thanks, Electra, see you later.’
As Lizzie left the room in a cloud of her expensive perfume, I suddenly realised that she wasn’t just here to lose weight; she was here because she was lonely.
I pulled the chair out by my desk, retrieved the notepaper, envelopes and pens from the drawer and began my ‘apology’ letters.
Dear Maia,
I am doing well here. I’ve been off the shit for three weeks and going to AA meetings every day. Being in here has given me time to think about how badly I’ve behaved towards you in the past . . .
Month? Year? I thought to myself.
. . . year. And especially in Rio. I can see now that you were only trying to help me. If it wasn’t for you calling Mariam that night, I literally wouldn’t be here anymore. I hope you can forgive me, and I look forward to seeing you in June.
Thanks again.
Love,
Electra
As I folded the letter and stuck it in an envelope, I wished that I could simply email her, because God only knew how long my note would take to get to Rio. But Margot, the AA leader, had said it was better if it was written, because letters were more meaningful. Maybe I’d send Maia an email anyway, to tell her the letter was on its way. Or if she was to come visit next week, I could give it to her then.
I addressed the envelope and stuck it in my drawer.
Then I wrote to Ma, using mainly the same words but altering it a little to suit. I had a sudden urge to write ‘I love you’ at the bottom. I couldn’t even remember whether I had ever said those words to her. Well, I did love her, I realised, a whole lot. She was the kindest person I’d ever met, and she had put up with me and my behaviour for a long time, so I finished the letter with words to that effect.
Feeling suddenly tearful, I thought about Atlantis and how safe I’d felt there and how much I’d always wanted to go back when I’d been away at school because it was ‘home’ . . .
‘Now I need to find my own . . .’ I muttered, a tear splashing onto the envelope as I wrote Ma’s name and address on the front.
I was feeling low now, which wasn’t good, so I put the paper and pens away, stretched and decided to go outside and get some air. Just down the corridor there was a kitchenette with coffee, tea and cookies, so I fixed myself a ginger tea – the zing as it went down my throat was the nearest I could get to a hit these days – then wandered outside. The night was noticeably cooler, and I could smell the scent of the large saguaro flowers that grew on the cacti in the garden. The sky was just incredible – inky black and wide open above me. As always when I looked up to the stars, I searched for the Seven Sisters and there they were, twinkling away. As usual, I counted six – it was only very rarely I got to see the seventh. Pa had once told me that some cultures said that Electra – i.e. me – was the lost sister of the Pleiades. He’d even given me an old black and white print of a scene from a ballet called Electra, Or the Lost Pleiad that had been on once in London. I walked towards the bench that sat amid the pretty Serenity Garden, full of herbs nestled amongst the bright flowers, which gave off a delicate scent. A little fountain played soothingly in the background, and I closed my eyes and thought about how I’d always felt like the ‘lost’ sister out of the six of us. Even though Pa had never found the seventh.
‘Hi there,’ a voice said from the bench on the other side of the garden.
I opened my eyes and as they readjusted to the low lighting, I saw it was Miles, smoking a cigarette.
‘Hi. Am I disturbing you?’ I asked him across the fountain.
‘No, to be honest, I could use some company.’ He stood up from his bench and walked over to mine. ‘If that’s okay?’
Sitting down as I was, he rose above me and I had to crane my neck to make eye contact.
‘Yeah, take a seat,’ I said.
He sat down next to me. ‘Want one?’ He offered me the packet from the pocket in his shirt.
‘No thanks. It’s one addiction I’ve never started, and I don’t wanna come out of here with a new one.’
‘For me it was the first of many, and the one I’ve fallen back on as the rest aren’t available,’ he said as he dragged on the cigarette, then stubbed it out with his foot. ‘A few years ago, around this time of night in New York, I’d have been out at a bar, hearing the clink of ice going into that glass and the Grey Goose pouring over it like a mountain stream.’
‘That sure is poetic,’ I chuckled. ‘Me and the Goose were great pals as well. Now it’s some dried ginger in hot water.’
‘I haven’t been to that bar in about five years now,’ he said as he lit another cigarette. ‘My old dealer probably still hangs out there.’
‘How long were you on all the stuff?’
‘I did my first line nineteen years ago at Harvard.’
‘Wow! You went to Harvard? You must be real smart.’
‘I guess I was once,’ he shrugged. ‘I was a total geek – you know, debate club and all that. I was on an academic scholarship; even though I’m tall and black, I sucked at basketball, which I think the WASPs at that place found tough to wrap their minds around. I felt like a total alien, you know? Still . . . I got a law degree then started with one of the biggest firms in New York. And that’s where I really became dependent on liquor and drugs.’
‘It’s interesting you felt like you stuck out at college. I was raised in a multi-cultural family. We were all adopted from various countries in the world, so because we were all “different”, I never thought about it. Then I went to boarding school and, well, things changed. I’ve been thinking abo
ut that time a lot – you know they like to take you back into your past here.’
‘I do, Electra. Clearing out the debris you have stuck in your mind is as important as clearing out the stuff from your body. Go on, sorry, I interrupted.’
‘Well, what I’ve been mulling over is that because I didn’t feel any different to the rest of my sisters, I wasn’t aware that I was “black”, so when I got to boarding school and bad things happened, I never associated them with that. Like you, I was in a predominately white school, and yeah, some stuff happened, but I don’t know whether it came from that or just being a pain in the butt.’
‘Maybe it just came from being different to them. Kids can be so cruel.’
‘Yeah, they can, and they were, but what’s the point of talking about it now? It’s done.’
‘Seriously?!’ Miles gave a deep chuckle. ‘You can’t have been in here for long if you’re asking me that. Sounds like I’m the other way round from you; I always had trouble with the physical withdrawal, whereas you’ve gotta get your head around the mental aspects and find the reason you became an addict in the first place.’
There was a silence between us as Miles finished his cigarette.
‘You got someone?’ he asked after a while. ‘A significant other?’
‘Nope, and no insignificant ones either,’ I joked as I sipped my tea. ‘I thought I did a while back, but he dumped me.’
‘Yeah, I think I read about it. Sorry.’ Miles looked embarrassed. ‘Did that set you back?’
‘Big time! Can you imagine how humiliating it is to have the whole world know you’ve gotten thrown over and the love of your life is engaged to someone else?’
‘The love of your life up to now, Electra,’ Miles put in. ‘You can’t be much older than most college kids. But no, in answer to your question, I can’t imagine. I’ve gone a few rounds in court with the media for some high-profile clients, but that’s the extent of my brushes with the paparazzi.’
‘Did you win?’
‘Nope,’ he grinned.
‘Were you high in court?’
‘Probably. You been high when you’ve been modelling?’
‘Probably.’ I looked at him and we shared a wry smile.
‘Well, there are a heap of lawyers I know who rely on a quick line of cocaine before entering the courtroom and giving their summation. But don’t tell anyone I told you that,’ he grinned.
‘Oh, it’s the same in my business too. We’re both giving a performance, like actors.’
‘The problem is, when you’re feeling like you’re king of the world, you just don’t know when to quit. I probably lost a few cases because of it. And as I’m working in a predominantly white man’s world, I can’t afford to do that.’
‘You never know, we might just be getting ourselves our first black president,’ I said, having glanced at the news on the TV in the canteen earlier that day. ‘Obama’s doing well in the primaries.’
‘And won’t that just be something,’ Miles smiled. ‘We’ve still got a long way to go but at least the world is finally changing.’
‘I just feel lucky I was brought up by a father who never differentiated between any of us. We were just all his girls. And if he ever had cause to reprimand us, it was because of our behaviour, not our colour. And I got reprimanded a lot.’
‘Yeah, I can imagine that, you seem like a feisty lady. Where do you come from originally?’
‘I . . . don’t know for certain,’ I said, thinking about what Stella had told me.
‘Shame you don’t have parents, and grandmas and great-grandpas who can tell you stories of the past. Mine never stop telling me theirs.’
‘I told you, I was adopted.’
‘And you never asked your father to tell you about your birth family?’
‘No.’
Miles was beginning to irritate me now by asking questions I couldn’t deal with. It was like having a speed dating therapy session and my head was spinning. I stood up.
‘You know what? I’m real tired tonight. See you around.’
Back in the safety of my room, I climbed into bed, wishing I’d never gone out to sit on that bench. My head felt screwed up and suddenly I fully appreciated why people went to therapy – it was a safe space with someone who didn’t air their own opinions, only asked you gently and slowly about yours.
For the first time since I’d arrived at The Ranch, I felt truly grateful that I had Fi to talk to the next day.
I was out on the trail again the next morning, having woken even earlier and needing the pounding of my feet on the earth to ground me. I was on my second circuit when I glimpsed Miles begin his first. The good news was, there was an entire lap between us, and it was impossible for him to catch me up. Nevertheless, I upped my speed just in case and concentrated on clearing my mind and taking in the nature around me. A few minutes later, I saw him in front of me – not behind – and realised to my horror that I was actually catching him up. I slowed my pace right back, but unlike yesterday, he was travelling at the speed of the elderly joggers I always overtook whenever I ran in Central Park.
‘Fuckwit!’ I mumbled, using one of Lizzie’s favourite words. I slowed down to a walk, but I could see that unless I left the trail, we were about to come side by side.
‘Okay, you win,’ I murmured under my breath as I stepped over the bricks that marked the trail and headed at a jog for the main entrance of The Ranch.
‘Hey!’
My jog turned into a run as I looked behind me and saw he was now sprinting towards me.
‘Stop!’
Swearing under my breath, I raced to the entrance and was just about to fly through the sanctuary of the door when a strong hand landed on my shoulder.
‘Get off of me!’
‘Electra, whoa!’
I turned and saw his hands were up in the air like he’d just been caught by the cops.
‘I didn’t mean to scare you, I just wanted to apologise for last night. The last thing I want to do is screw up your head with stuff that isn’t a problem. I’m so sorry; I realise that I was placing my own issues on you.’
We were both panting after the race to reach the door. I bent down and put my hands on my knees.
‘Really, it’s okay,’ I managed.
‘No, it’s not.’
‘Well, anyway, I gotta get to breakfast and then the—’
‘Serenity prayer, I know.’
I pushed the door open and walked inside, not turning back to see if he was following me. I just needed to see Fi and talk all this through.
‘So, let me get this straight’ – Fi looked down at her notes – ‘you want to talk about something that happened at your boarding school?’
‘Yup.’
I mean, I so didn’t, but I knew I had to.
‘And what was it that happened to you, Electra?’
I swallowed hard, and then took some deep breaths, steeling myself to tell her. Because I had never, ever told anyone about this.
‘So . . . I had just arrived at this new school, and there was a gang of girls who I knew were, like, the popular ones. They were all very pretty and talked about how rich their parents were. I wanted to be friendly, and to, like, belong,’ I said, finding that I was panting nearly as hard as I did at the end of my run.
‘Take your time, Electra, there’s no rush. We can stop whenever you want.’
‘No.’ I was on the runway now, and this plane of shit needed to take off before it crashed and burnt me up. ‘So, I told them about our house – Atlantis – and how it was on a lake and looked like a castle and how Pa called us all his princesses and that we could have everything we wanted – which wasn’t true, because we only ever got presents at Christmas and for birthdays, or sometimes when he came back home from wherever he’d been. And how we went off on our superyacht every year to the south of France and . . .’ I swallowed again and took a breath. ‘I did everything I could to be like them, with their big houses and their d
esigner clothes and . . .’
‘Here, have some water.’ Fi handed me a plastic cup that had sat in front of me every time I’d been in this office and I’d never needed to drink. I gulped some down.
‘Anyway, I hung out with them for, like, a few weeks, and my other sisters who were there – that’s Tiggy, Star and CeCe, who were in the years above me – saw me with my group, and were pleased I was settling in so well. And then . . .’ I took another sip of water. ‘Well, I told this girl – Sylvie, the leader of our gang – that when I was younger, I’d gotten locked in the little toilet that was in the cabin I slept in on board the Titan, my father’s boat. All my other sisters had been up on deck or swimming and I was in this tiny space for what felt like hours, and I’d screamed and screamed but there was nobody there to hear me,’ I gulped. ‘Eventually, a maid came into my cabin and heard me and let me out, but ever since I’ve had a fear of small spaces.’
‘That’s understandable, Electra. So what happened after you’d told your school friend?’
‘Well, it was just before a hockey match, and I was very good at hockey,’ I nodded, the tears starting to gather behind my eyes, ‘and there was this tiny cupboard in the gym where they kept all the sports equipment. Sylvie said she couldn’t find her stick, that someone had stolen it and that maybe I could help her find it. So I went to the cupboard to look for it and the next thing I knew, I’d been pushed inside and someone had locked the door. I was in there for hours – everyone else was out on the hockey pitch and then they had team teas and . . . Finally, Sylvie came to let me out.’
‘Here, Electra . . .’ Fi passed me the box of tissues that I’d sworn I’d never use. Tears were coursing down my cheeks now and I grabbed a bunch of them. Once I’d composed myself, I looked up at Fi’s gentle face.
‘How did you feel when you were locked in that cupboard?’
‘Like I was gonna go crazy . . . I felt like I wanted to die, that I was so scared . . . I can’t relive it, I just can’t.’
The Sun Sister (The Seven Sisters) Page 27