I did not see the need to be armed for battle for a sun’s fall meal; however, only a fool would go anywhere unarmed in the villages. You always needed to be ready to protect yourself. Everyone is taught this in our realm.
I turned to the mirror to look at my face. My brown eyes shone brightly in the reflection. My black hair was tied back from my face with a leather cord. I did not think I was beautiful. My nose was upturned, while my jaw was rounded off. I could not find any beauty with those things glaring at me.
I let my hands fall to my weapons as a knock came from the door. “Sweets, he is here,” papa’s strong, sure voice called through the door. My hands relaxed to fall to my sides.
I turned back to the mirror with a little squeak. I was checking one last time I looked as beautiful as I could for this man. I turned to the door before skipping towards it. Upon opening the door on papa, I looked up to his face, as he was a hand taller than I was. I saw the smile which rested on his lips, under his short, neatly trimmed black beard. He was so happy this moment had finally come, as I could see it in his green eyes. He nervously ran his hand over his black hair, which was tied back as was tradition of long hair. You can not let it get in your face in a fight.
“What are you waiting for, Sweets? Your man of the hour awaits,” he jested with me.
“Papa,” I wined out with a scrunched up face, “He is the only man knocking on my door.” I let a little smile tease my lips. “Unless there is another man you are not telling me about. Wait,” my lips turned into a wry grin, “Who is this other man, asking for my hand?”
Papa let out a laugh, which was filled with mirth and love. “Sorry, Sweets, it is just the one. Unless there is another person you are sweet on….” He let the question hang.
He knew I had not found anyone attractive, as we have had many conversations, in which he would point out suitors to me. I found I had a lack of attraction to any person in the village. I entertained Aiden for their benefit. It was great to see they knew someone would look after me for my life. I had been such a burden on them. We constantly had to go to Groenplaats for the medicine I needed to be myself, as I am not a normal woman.
Groenplaats is where all the medical people are. They could treat everything. They used tomes of the Old People to make medicines, which could treat most illnesses. Occasionally, the training wound or accident had to be dealt with, which the injured went there with the most serious of injuries. Most of the herbs and minerals needed to make the medicines were foraged from the surrounding area, which the Tribe of the Wolf helped collect. They had entire buildings set aside for medical treatments and to make medicines.
Papa offered his red covered elbow to me. I closed the door behind me, before turning the red sign over to the green side. My left hand went into the crook of papa’s elbow as he led me toward to stairs, which would lead the communal room. I let my feet fall into step with papa’s on the worn wooden planks, as I let my right hand fall to the rapier’s pommel, which hung from my right hip.
We came to the stairs before going down their old wooden steps. At the end of the stairs, a small hallway was lit by two candles, which hung on the walls in their sconces. To the left of the stairs was another hall way, which led to more sleeping quarters. A time candle was in the middle of the hall. Ahead, the hallway led to a door on the right and a door, which was in front. The front door would naturally take you outside, but the door to the right would take you to the communal room.
Panic gripped my stomach. What if I was not what he expected? What if he saw me as the freak that I am? What if I could not love him or have any feelings for him?
My legs moved on their own, which kept the step with papa, as we came the door, which led to the communal room. Papa looked a question with his eyes to me, with a neutral expression to his face, which was showing support either way I made my choice.
I looked at him for a moment, as I was trying to make the choice which felt right for me. If the [Powers that Be] would let it be the right choice for me. The uncertainty of a possible future not explored was tangent in front of me, as it just needed to be coaxed into life. Papa would truly not judge me on either choice I made. I think he regrets the judgment he gave unto me a long time ago with another choice I had made. I think he realized, with that single choice, I had made my life the most difficult I could ever have chosen.
I made my choice by placing my hand on the door while pushing it open. No hesitation or question made my hand shake. The surety of the push, with the extension of my arm, was like the choice was not one to think about at all, even though I had spent days looking at this one moment in time. The room came into view as the moment of my waking dream came into reality.
There were several wood stoves to cook on, two stone fireplaces, which had drawers where you could put your bread to bake and two open fires with grills over them, to cook meats on, were along one wall. Above those fires, stone funnels took the smoke with the hot air from the room into the mason work, which would distribute the heat to the building, before the mason work spewed the smoke into the air outside of the building. Several tables were interspersed with their cooking work places. Pots, pans and utensils for cooking were hung from hooks on the walls and ceiling.
Next to this area, several wooden tables sat in the middle of the room. They ranged from where two people could sit, to where twenty people could sit, to eat their meals.
The other third of the room stood a great hearth and cozy seating. Bison skins were lain on the floor in front of the roaring fireplace. Chairs and couches were in this area of warmth. People could sit and talk or sit and watch the flames dance in the fire. In the evenings, people which knew how to play instruments would play songs to entertain people.
A wood smoke smell hung in the air with the different smelling foods, which mingled with the scent of the smoke. People scattered the area, who were talking in low tones.
Mother sat at a table for four people. She had the left chair. Aiden sat in the chair with his back to me. Granted, I do not know who he is, so this was a surprise. I am not one for remembering names, as much effort must be done on my part to have the name committed to my memory. His black hair was tied back from his face. He wore an orange and purple doublet with the sleeves of his doublet unbuttoned, which gave him a relaxed look. I saw he wore a katana on his left side, and a parrying dagger on his right. He wore orange colored pants and brown lace up boots.
Papa paused with my stuttering step. He knew me too well. I may have made a choice to meet him, but I could question the logic of that choice, right? My anxiety and fear were tangible in the air. Fine, I thought so at least.
My hunger, which had rumbled in my belly a moment beforehand, was replaced with a talking rock. I swear to you that it felt like it weighed more than a person. It lodged itself there, as it spoke in my mind, Hey there. So, there is this guy sitting here, wanting to meet you and stuff. Since I was here in the village, I thought I would just drop on by to watch this disaster in the best seat in this place….
Papa squeezed my hand in his arm, which disrupted the talking rock in my head, as I looked to papa. He smiled and winked, “You do not have to do this, if you do not want to. I find him a man of honor, compassion and intellect. Relax and just have fun, Sweets. We are not going to force you into a choice in which you do not want for yourself.”
I had to smile at papa. He could always say just the right words to calm me down. “Okay. I will just casually say, ‘He is not the one.’ or ‘Next.’ or ‘Is there anyone else to choose from?’ or ‘Um, I do not think this will work out, you know, it is not you, it is just the big talking rock standing in the middle of the room.’ or something like that?”
“You might want to use a little more tact than that, Sweets. There is no need to be all moody teenager on the poor man.”
“Fine! I will just say, ‘But, papa, he has no lightsaber’ then run away from the table crying.” The smile on my face peaked out at the jest with papa as I remembered the tomes
, which I have read.
“Better, but maybe lose the crying part. It might upset your mother.”
I nodded my head to his words, as papa led me to the table. Mother watched from the corner of her eye, with a smile tugging at her lips, as we got closer. When we were three paces from the old wooden table, she stood as Aiden followed the motion, as he turned towards me.
That is when I saw his face. He had a slender jaw, deep blue eyes as if a lake lived in them, and a big forehead. A scar ran along his brow, which was probably from a training accident with how straight the scar looked. His hands were clasped in front of himself as he bowed deeply to me, before bowing to papa.
“This is my daughter, Relonor. Sweets, this dashing man is Aiden.”
“It is a pleasure, Relonor, to meet you. Do you prefer Relonor or sweets?” Aiden asked with a smile. Fine! It was more like he was drooling.
“Only my parents call me sweets! Thank you very much. You may call me the Royal Quacking Duck or Relonor. It is my honor to meet you, Aiden.” I felt wobbly on the greeting, as my tongue decided to do a walk about without checking with my brain.
Royal Quacking Duck? I just really said that? I am as mad as a hatter. I really hope that was in my head.
“I do not think Royal Quacking Duck likes me very much,” he jested.
Oh will I make him pay for that later. Wait, he has a quick wit. Yay!
“Sweets, come and sit. Or should I start calling you your Royal Duckness? I have stew made up for us. The bread should just be cooled enough for the meal.” Mother said. Papa walked me around the table before pulling out for me a newer wooden seat with a modest back rest, which was opposite from Aiden, as he bowed a little to me.
I felt bemused. Papa did things like this to make me feel like a princess. After my choice, he had difficulty with the idea. I bowed a little to papa, while smiling to him, as I said, “Thank you, papa.” That was about all I could get out. Here stood a man which would marry me for the rest of my life. The concept had me speechless.
Well I would be speechless if my wandering tongue would stop saying weird things.
Mother had fetched a pot from one of the wood stoves. She brought it to the table, before setting the pot in the middle of the table. Aiden finally sat down, as he was looking sheepish and embarrassed. Papa sat as mother went over to a counter to grab the loaf of bread. She was juggling the bread as it was still hot. Mother was never one to be patient. As she fumbled the bread in front of papa’s bowl, she casually said, “And sun’s fall meal is served.”
“Thank you Ashley. Honestly, you did not have to cook for me,” Aiden responded.
“It is not a bother dear. I just love to cook,” mother responded instantly. “People will be fighting over what is not eaten here. Not to brag about knowing how to cook,” a smile formed on her lips before continuing, “But I know how to cook.”
“I confirm this, and my belly approves of her cooking,” I proudly said, while sitting a little straighter in my chair. “I would eat her cooking everyday if I did not eat it everyday!”
Mother just blushed in her chair, with the rose rising to her cheeks at the praise coming from me, as Aiden asked, “And, Your Royal Duckness, do you cook?”
I felt sheepish, as it probably showed on my face, before lowering my head to reply, “Mother will not let me close to a stove, oven or grill. She says something about wanting an edible meal to eat.” I straightened a little more in my chair as I raised my head. “I like my meat well done. Mother said it was not something a person could eat. Needless to say,” I paused to let a sly grin fall upon my lips, “I ate good that night!”
They all laughed at the joke. I burn a piece of meat, so I am now banned from all future cooking for the family. Mother has continued to teach me, but the actual theory of cooking, she will not let me put into practice again.
Plus, mother’s cooking is the best. I could only dream of being able to cook like she does, with knowing what herbs to put with what dish, while knowing how much seasoning to add to the dish. She said it was like art. I am not good with art, as I am a science girl.
“Laugh it up, fuzzballs,” I replied with the quote from a tome I had just finished the other day. The tome was called [Star Wars].
“So, Your Royal Duckness, tell me more about yourself,” Aiden asked as he ladled stew into his bowl.
I nervously took the ladle from his hand when he offered the ladle to me, which gave me a moment of thought as my anxiety rose into my throat. Hells bells. What to I tell him? My mouth decided to start talking, without consulting my brain. “Well, let me think here. And please, will you just call me Relonor…I am nineteen summers old. I have chosen to stay here in Moeraplaats with my parents. I have studied the martial arts since I was four summers old. In Centraleplaats, I studied natural sciences. What else…I am fluent with many blades; however, I prefer my Grandfather’s saber and a rapier, for my off hand. I plan to keep studying to become a Samurai. The Grand Masters say I hold promise of becoming a Samurai in a few years. Though, I have yet to be able to defeat a Grand Master in a sparring match.” What else could I say besides I am a freak? This was not the place to drop that information.
To become a Samurai, you had to defeat a Grand Master or a Samurai in single combat. You could not choose the opponent to face, as they chose among themselves who would test the challenger. Your Sensei, your teacher of the martial arts, has the opportunity of suggesting the most difficult of the opponents to face. The only thing was, in each spring, you could only take the test when the Grand Masters gathered to visit each village while hosting the tests. The next test was in five months.
Women were not heard of being a Samurai, as the gear they used is quite heavy. Just the plate mail felt like it was a ton. I had tried on papa’s plate mail a few times to get conditioned to wear it. I found wearing it was a very taxing experience for my muscles.
Aiden’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “Most women do not choose that path. What makes you want to have the honor? You are conditioned to wear their armor and weapons?”
Papa laughed at his questions, before responding for me, “She is pretty good. She will be able to wield the armor soon enough.”
A blush flowed up my face, as I asked Aiden a question to take the attention off of the Samurai Festival dream of mine, “So! Aiden, tell me something about yourself. What are you looking for in a marriage with me? Papa has told me nothing about you, the evil man.”
Papa barked out a laugh, which got a chuckle from Aiden as well, before he replied. “Well, I want to be happy like my parents are. I hope to have a few children. I had chosen to move to Moeraplaats this past summer. I am four and twenty summers old. I moved from Boosplaats.”
I interrupted before he could go further. “I cannot have children. Like ever. I would love to have children, but that kind of got screwed up. I have no problem of having a surrogate bear a child.”
“How so? Have you been to Groenplaats to see if they can do anything about it?” Aiden asked, as curiosity crossing his face.
Well how in the fuck should I tell him? That my body does not match what I know to be true? How in the hells had the conversation went to this, and then gone this bad? Can we go back to the Samurai Festival instead?
“Well…,” I drew out my answer as I sought a huckleberry. I am pretty sure my face had screwed up, as I picked up the spoon to played with it on the table, as if it were a writing stick. “I have been to Groenplaats. There is nothing they can do. The medicine I need makes it impossible to have children.” There, that is a good…
“What medicine do you need?” Aiden interrupted my thought, as impatience furrowed his brow.
I looked to mother as I sought help. I did not want to tell him. Mother just gave a little nod with a smile. She never thought I was any different than normal people. I set the spoon back onto the table beside my bowl.
“Well….” I started out, while watching mother’s smile tug a little in support. I turned my head to face h
im, as my eyes fell to the pot of stew. “I was born wrong. I have to take medicine to make the hormones in my body right. My body does not produce enough estrogen.”
That should settle the discussion there. Short, sweet and to the point although overly simplified.
“If I remember right, from my reading in the Centraleplaats Repository, then you should be able to have children. A hormone treatment should, in theory, allow you to have children. Right?” Aiden was intense in his look towards me, as I was catching it out of the peripheral of my eyes.
He is going to judge me now. Anger filled my throat. I am so tired of people judging me. I can always see it in how they look at me. Especially the ones who knew me, before I knew something was wrong, before I made my choice to be me.
“I was born as a boy, but my gender is not male!” I yelled, as the anger and shame rushed through me, as I met his eyes. The noise in the room went silent. I could feel all the eyes turn to the heated conversation, which I had just made this.
Let him judge me; let them judge me. I do not care. If children were adopted, then fine. Why the big push for having children with me? I could never truly be a woman. I could never give birth. They all knew it now.
Aiden leaned back in his chair as his mouth fell opened. “But…But…You have the curves of a woman. You look and sound like a woman. What do you mean you were born a boy?” Aiden stammered out the questions in a tone of complete loss.
I stared into his face when I spoke to him. “I was born as a boy like you were. But I am not a boy, nor have I ever felt like a boy. I am a woman. The medicine helps me feel like myself, as a woman.”
Relonor's Journal Page 4