‘That’s better,’ Lena said. ‘Now, let’s see if we can find you a cute boy to dance with.’
Fifteen
Ava
‘Ava. What just happened?’ Lena is calling after me as I crash up the stairs. ‘Have you had too much to drink?’
I rush past a woman who is waiting for the bathroom and go into my own room. I push against the door to close it, but Lena is right behind me, catching it in time as I fling myself face down on the bed. She sits down beside me and strokes my hair. Heat radiates from my body and I can feel sweat on my shoulders, making my scar itch like crazy. Footsteps crash up the stairs and someone yells. The bathroom door slams. Here in the bedroom, the music is muffled, and the room feels vast without all my possessions.
‘I don’t understand why you’re so upset. Gareth is annoying, but …’ Her voice trails off.
I sit up. My mascara leaves black smudges on the stark white pillowcase, and I wipe the back of my hand across my cheek. What is the matter with me tonight? I never normally cry.
‘Don’t let him get to you. You know what he’s like; everyone knows he puts you on a pedestal. Come on, we were joking about it with your dad earlier. Nobody will believe what he says. I’ll have a word with him when I go down. He’ll have to leave if he’s going to upset you.’
’It’s not about that. Well, it is, but …’
‘Take some deep breaths. There’s a party downstairs, your party. You can’t let him ruin the evening with his lies.’
She rubs her hand over my back and it instantly makes me feel better. I’m going to miss her so much. Tears well again and I sniff them away.
‘Shh, shh, don’t get yourself worked up. I’m here, remember, and you know I’ll never let anyone hurt you, especially not him. Besides, everyone here is your friend.’ She laughs, trying to lighten the mood, but a chill creeps down my spine at her words. ‘Nobody even believes what he’s saying.’
‘That’s not what this is about.’
‘OK …’ Lena sounds confused.
She’s quiet for a moment, the only sound in the room the vibration from the music downstairs.
‘You can tell me anything, Ava.’
I take a deep breath.
‘It’s the rose that Gareth brought.’
‘It wasn’t the prettiest rose I’ve ever seen.’ She shrugs. ‘But it was a nice gesture.’
‘You don’t understand.’
‘Try me.’
I pause. ‘You know the rose that was left on the doorstep earlier? Well, another black rose was delivered to me this morning. Number thirteen.’
Lena frowns. ‘Like the cake.’
‘Exactly. I’ve been getting them ever since the accident. Always on the anniversary.’ My voice is shaking as much as my hands. Saying it out loud makes it real, but it’s a relief too. After all these years, I’ve finally told her. I clench my hands together.
‘Ava, you shouldn’t be counting them.’
‘I don’t believe you can’t see the significance. Everything changed for you too.’
‘Of course it did. But after the way I’d been dragged up, my life changed for the better. That’s why I had to help make yours better too. If you’re happy, then I’m happy. Twins, remember?’
‘We need to speak to Gareth about it,’ I say.
‘But why would Gareth do this? It doesn’t make sense.’
‘Nothing Gareth does makes sense. He doesn’t want to acknowledge I’m with Ben now, never has. Sending roses is bizarre, though, even for him.’
The first rose was a complete shock. It was a bad time already – the first anniversary. Even if I’d wanted to pretend it wasn’t happening, I couldn’t. School had arranged a special assembly, and the unveiling of a plaque and a water fountain dedicated to Tess. I refused to go in that day, but just to make sure I didn’t forget, the rose arrived. A black rose, dark and ominous, sending shadows into my dreams.
On the second anniversary, as soon as I saw Mum holding the box, I knew. I told her it was a poster I’d ordered for a project and hurried upstairs to my room on trembling legs. I didn’t want her to see how I was shaking all over at just the sight of it.
Going to university didn’t stop the roses coming. When I received a card telling me to collect a parcel from the porters’ lodge, it didn’t even cross my mind that that was what it would be. But realising that whoever was sending them had tracked me there sent me into free fall. I didn’t leave my room for a week, until Lena turned up, anxious because I hadn’t been returning her messages, dragging me to the college nurse. Even then I didn’t tell her about the roses; it was something I wanted to keep to myself, to try and pretend it wasn’t happening.
Every anniversary after that, they arrived without fail. I’ve had nightmares for years in which I’m being smothered by huge dark petals, their softness fooling me into stroking them before I impale myself on a thorn. A sickly smell fills my nose and throat, and I can’t breathe.
‘So that’s why you freaked out just now,’ Lena says, dragging me away from my spiralling thoughts. ‘I get it. I couldn’t understand why you were letting Gareth bother you so much.’ She pauses. ‘He implied something happened between you two. Is that true?’
‘No.’ The word shoots out of me like a firework. ‘How could you think that? We kissed, that’s all. It was a stupid mistake. I was totally out of it and I just wanted to get rid of him. But him turning up now with the rose changes everything.’
‘It was that night he came back here, wasn’t it?’
‘Yeah, after the three of us had been out for a drink. You went to bed. I’d had a weird Skype call with Ben; he was in a funny mood, but when I asked him what was up, he denied anything was wrong. But you know when you just know? Gareth was on good form and managed to cheer me up. We had a brandy and it went straight to my head, and I let him kiss me. Of course I regretted it straight away.
‘I woke up around four o’clock and went to get a glass of water, and he was asleep on the sofa. I was mortified. I made him leave immediately. It was a terrible mistake and he can’t see it. He thinks it meant something, but turning up now with the rose … I don’t want him to have some weird sort of hold on me. And I can’t believe he’s been sending them all these years.’
‘What are you going to do about Ben? Does he know about Gareth?’ Lena says, after a loaded silence.
‘Of course not. There’s nothing to know. It was only a kiss; it meant absolutely nothing to me, you must be able to see that. It was the stupidest thing I could have done. I’ve been beating myself up about it ever since. And he wouldn’t have ever had to find out, but now … what am I going to do?’
‘It’s better off coming from you. You don’t want him hearing it from Gareth, do you?’ Lena stands up, heading towards the window. As she passes the wardrobe, her hands run across the row of empty coat hangers, rattling into the silence.
‘Oh God, now I really need to know for sure whether Ben is coming. Maybe it would be better if he didn’t. I have to find my phone.’ I join her over by the window. Below us, a group of my work colleagues stand in a circle. Gareth is on his own further down the garden, puffing on a roll-up.
‘It hurts, you know, that you can’t confide in me,’ Lena says quietly. ‘First I found out that Martha’s been in touch, and now this. Up until a couple of hours ago, I thought we told each other everything.’
‘But I don’t even tell Ben everything,’ I say, guilt lacing my words. ‘You know that. I never want him to find out about my past, who I really am. I hate having to be so secretive. It kills me.’
‘I get that you can’t tell Ben about that, of course I do, but why didn’t you tell me about Gareth? That’s different.’
‘I was embarrassed, OK, and so ashamed. Every morning since, I’ve woken up feeling sick. I wish I could undo it. And now this nightmare. Gareth will tell Ben, of course he will. It’s what he’s always wanted. And I didn’t tell you about the roses because I was frightened. Stupidly,
I thought pretending it wasn’t happening would make it go away. Like it wasn’t real. I haven’t told Ben about them either, obviously. Nobody knows about them.’ I look down at Gareth, who is still outside. He’s walking round in circles now, looking at the ground.
‘You need to stay calm. Gareth is jealous, pure and simple. Ben knows what he’s like; he also knows you do silly things when you’re drunk. It’s not that bad, trust me.’
‘I don’t know. Ben has very strong views on fidelity. This could blow us apart. Gareth’s counting on it. And that’s not all. I’ve never had a rose out of sequence before – they’ve always been on the day of the anniversary, like some sort of sick gift – and now there’s been three in one day. And the cake. Is Gareth behind that too? How well do we really know him? We have no idea what he’s capable of. I’m scared, Lena.’
Sixteen
Lena
Ava finally moves away from the window. The way she’s sitting on her bed, mascara streaked across her face, takes me back to the teenage Ava waiting for me to do her make-up for that first party. How different our lives might have been if we hadn’t gone out that night. If she’d stayed home alone listening to her records and never got talking to Danny. I bet we’d have drifted apart years ago. My life would most certainly have been different. Imagine if David and Sue hadn’t taken me in. With Dad going into rehab the summer of my GCSEs, I’d have had to go into care. My brother was in prison and there were no other relatives. The thought runs through me like ice-cold water. I can’t believe she’s been receiving these roses all this time. I can’t believe she didn’t tell me.
I’m shaking my head. ‘For thirteen years. Did the roses come alone – I mean, was there a card or anything attached?’
‘Always the same. A single rose in a box with a card with the number of the year on.’
‘Have you kept them?’
She looks down at her hands. ‘I couldn’t bear to.’
‘You should have done. For evidence. They could be dusted for fingerprints. The police can do wonders with forensics these days.’ Ava’s mouth wobbles as if she’s going to cry again. ‘Don’t get upset. Now that I know, we can do something about it. I see why you wanted to pretend it wasn’t happening, but you should have told me. We’ve always been able to rely on each other. You know I’ll look after you.’
She nods. ‘The one I received this morning gave me such a fright. I’ve had a doomed feeling this year; somehow the thirteenth anniversary seemed significant. I’ve wanted to tell you, almost did so many times, but I hoped it might go away. It’s one of the reasons I finally made the decision to emigrate. To get away from all this.’ She looks up at me. ‘You must understand now why I have to go? It’s such a relief to be able to explain properly at last. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, I hated keeping it from you. I know how devastated you are, and I am too, I love you, Lena, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had, and nothing will get in the way of that no matter how many miles separate us. I’ll never, ever forget what you did for me. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be here any more, and nobody can take that bond away from us. Not even Ben.’
‘Oh Ava, that’s such a lovely thing to say, and you know I feel exactly the same.’ I pull her in for a hug. ‘What are you going to do now that you suspect it’s Gareth sending the roses?’
‘I don’t know. I didn’t want to confront him in front of everyone; I just wanted to get out. I still can’t see him being behind it, but I have to ask him. I’m not convinced jealousy would drive him to something like this. He’s a link to the past, but not a serious proposition. You know what he’s like; he’s not clued up enough to organise something like that, year after year. I’ve even wondered about Martha.’
Just hearing the name makes me feel uncomfortable. I was right not to invite her this evening. Martha with her airs and graces, looking at me if as I’m something nasty under her shoe. ‘What makes you think it could be her?’
‘She’s always resented you; she told me once that you were trying to take her place. I’ve tried to reach out to her a few times over the years, but she won’t respond. She’s holding on to a deep-seated grudge. On the other hand, given her glamorous lifestyle, she might not think about me at all. It’s hard to know.’
‘Much as I’d like to think it was her, you can’t ignore the evidence in front of you. Gareth brought that rose into the house and we have to confront him. If he denies it, then we have to consider her as a possibility.’
‘We can’t do it in front of all my friends,’ Ava says.
‘We can be discreet. I don’t want to scare you, but if he’s sent two more roses today, maybe he’s building up to something. And why roses? Do they have some kind of significance?’
‘Believe me, I know all about roses. I’ve done my research. Red roses traditionally symbolise love, while white ones are often used at weddings to represent a new beginning, even peace. But a black rose isn’t a natural thing; it’s either bruised, decaying or it’s been dyed to look darker. It symbolises death and loss, also anarchy. It’s horrible. Somebody is trying to frighten me. And it’s working, look.’ She holds up her hands, which are trembling. ‘When I saw Gareth with that rose, I was so scared.’
Biting her lip, she releases a strangled cry, and then she’s sobbing, shoulders heaving, and I can’t bear it. I sit on the bed and hold her tight. Her body shudders and she feels delicate in my arms. It’s true, now I think about it; she hasn’t been herself this year. I berate myself for not seeing it was more than work hassles. Now that it’s all out in the open, maybe she won’t need to run away.
‘All night I’ve been excited that Ben might be coming, and now I don’t want him here.’ The shaking lessens and she gently pulls away from me. ‘I can’t have him involved in all this. Is he coming? Surely now you can let me know?’
It’s the right time to tell her. I look at her and nod.
‘Then why isn’t he here yet? If it was the other way round, I’d be desperate to get to him. God, I wish I knew where my bloody phone was.’
‘Even if you did find your phone, he won’t be trying to get in touch with you because I asked him not to. I was worried he wouldn’t be able to keep the party secret. He said he was excited, but …’
‘But what?’
‘I—’
The music downstairs stops and we both look at one another. For me it’s a welcome distraction. I can’t tell her now. Not when she’s just pulled herself together. The music starts again, a different track this time.
‘Come on, let’s go down. Don’t worry about Gareth. Tell you what, I’ll ask him about it without giving anything away, OK?’
‘Would you? That would really help. You’re the best, Lena.’
We hug, and I grip my arms tightly around her, not wanting to let her go, ever; wanting to savour this special moment. Her hair feels damp. ‘Try and stay away from him,’ I say. ‘And if it turns out to be Martha, we can deal with that later. After the party, which you are going to enjoy if it kills me. I’ve got your back, you know that.’
‘I need to fix my face first,’ she says, turning towards the bathroom.
‘Do you want me to do it?’
‘No, don’t worry, it will give me a moment to compose myself. You go ahead.’
‘Ava.’ I stop her, taking a deep breath. ‘I’ve been thinking … Maybe I could even come with you to America. There’s nothing keeping me here, and I’ve always wanted to go to New York. I can take my business anywhere. It’s always been me and you …’ I pause, wait for her to say ‘against the world’, like we’ve done ever since we first met, but she remains silent. She might as well have hit me. ‘You don’t want me to come, do you?’ The question sounds strangled.
She sighs. ‘I told you how much you mean to me, but things are different now. I have to move on. I’m making my future with Ben now. It’ll be your turn soon; you’ll find someone and you’ll soon forget about me.’
I’m lost for words. I want to tell her h
ow much I love her, how important she is to me, how I don’t want to let her go. But instead I stay quiet, cheeks burning and heat rising in my body. My mind is racing. Maybe I should tell her about Ben, about my secret.
Seventeen
2005
‘Hey, Lena,’ Danny said. Ava felt like a gooseberry, but she didn’t want to leave Lena’s side. She needn’t have worried, though, as a boy appeared at her elbow, grinning widely.
‘I’m Jon,’ he shouted above the insistent bass of the music, which Ava couldn’t help moving about to.
‘Ava,’ she said, moving away from Lena so that she could have Danny all to herself. She couldn’t help notice Danny flicking a glance at her, taking in what she was wearing. She smoothed down her dress, the silky material soft under her sweating hands.
‘You’re Martha’s sister,’ Jon said, making her squirm inwardly. She hated being compared to her brainbox sibling. They were nothing like each other.
‘Is she a friend of yours?’ she asked.
‘Not really.’
‘We’re very different,’ she told him.
‘That’s good,’ he said. ‘We’re not close at all, to be honest. She’s a bit geeky for me.’
‘Thank goodness for that.’ Lena drank some more punch, still not used to the strong taste of the alcohol.
‘Here.’ Jon took her glass. ‘Let me get us a couple of refills.’
Ava felt much more relaxed now she’d got someone to chat to. She smiled at him as he came back with two full glasses.
‘It’s very hot in here,’ she said. ‘Shall we go into the kitchen?’
Jon led the way through the room. He was easy to talk to and he made her giggle. They were both laughing when she heard her name being called. As she turned, she realised who it would be. Gareth. He was pushing through people to get to her, holding a single red rose. His face was flushed, as if he’d been running. She’d been having such a good time, she’d forgotten all about him. Now she felt a familiar lurch of worry. He was looking at Jon, and the muscles in his neck were straining as he tightened his jaw.
The Leaving Party: An absolutely gripping and addictive psychological thriller Page 8