by Mary Monroe
“As soon as I find another place to stay, I’m moving out.”
“What about your best friend girl next door to y’all? Can you move in with her? I know it would be hard living that close to your man now, though.”
Yvonne stared off into space for a few seconds. When she turned back to me, she looked mad enough to cuss out the world. With her teeth clenched, she told me in a tone that sounded like a growl, “My best friend girl was the woman he was in bed with.” She stopped talking and started breathing through her mouth. I didn’t know what to say next, so I decided to wait for her to go on. “Um, where is your toilet?”
“Go straight down the hall to the kitchen. The bathroom is to the left of the stove. I’m out of toilet paper, so you’ll have to wipe off with one of them corncobs in that bucket next to the commode.”
Yvonne stumbled out of the room and was gone so long, I thought she had slipped out the back door or passed out. I went to check on her. But before I had time to knock on the bathroom door, I heard her inside, puking and crying. Women was so complicated. I decided not to disturb her, and I went back to the living-room couch. Five more minutes went by before she rejoined me. I had set a fresh drink on the coffee table for her.
“Thank you, Milton.” She flopped back down and took a drink right away. “Now that you know so much about me, tell me more about you.”
I scratched the side of my neck and gave her a thoughtful look. “Well, I ain’t been no angel myself. After my mama and daddy died in a house fire when I was thirteen, I had to fend for myself. My folks was never into having a good time like me. My brother was—and still is—so goody-goody, the only things missing on him is a halo and a set of wings.”
“How many brothers and sisters you got?”
“Just my brother. Anyway, I do side jobs to get money to keep the good times going.”
“On the farms?”
I snickered. “Naw, baby. I don’t do farms no more. See, I like easy money. If I come across something that look like a good score, I go for it.”
The way Yvonne’s lips curled up, I thought she was going to laugh. But in a serious tone she asked, “You a thief, too?”
I bit my bottom lip before I went on. “Well, my daddy used to tell me that if something walk like a chicken, lay eggs like a chicken, and cluck like a chicken, it’s probably a chicken. I guess I’m a thief, because the description of one sure enough fits me. But . . .” I paused and held my finger up in the air. “I’m a thief with dignity and morals. I don’t take nothing from nobody disabled, elderly, blind, blood related, or that’s got mental problems. I mostly break into white folks’ houses and grab whatever I can carry. As hard as times been these past few years, some of them peckerwoods still got money and spend it on shit just screaming for somebody to snatch. Especially jewelry.”
“You ever took anything from colored folks?”
“Yup. Them dress shoes somebody stole from me, I had took them from this snooty joker that was always bragging about what he had. I never took advantage of somebody that didn’t have it coming.”
“I know what you mean.” Yvonne let out a loud, drawn-out sigh. “But I don’t like being a thief. For one thing, it’s tiresome, and the outcome is unpredictable. I can’t help myself, so I keep stealing.”
“I don’t think the rest of us crooks can, neither. It’s in our blood, and we can’t fight Mother Nature. Shoot! Thieving is the world’s oldest profession.”
“Uh-uh. The world’s oldest profession is prostitution,” Yvonne corrected, or so she thought.
“Pffft.” I waved my hand. “That’s a old wives’ tale. Before I took off on my own, I was raised by kinfolks that was Holy Rollers to the bone, so I know my Bible. If you pay close attention to Scripture, you will see that folks was stealing long before women started spreading their thighs for profit.”
“I know my Bible, too. I never gave that subject much thought, though. What you just told me make a lot of sense. Oh well. Since thieving is technically just another profession, there ain’t nothing wrong with it so long as you don’t hurt nobody, like I done. Or get caught.”
“I ain’t never done neither one. I done slowed down a little bit, though. I’m getting too old to be climbing through folks’ windows. And some victims done got downright dangerous! I don’t know what this world is coming to. In the good old days, jail was the only thing I had to worry about. But the last house I broke into, the old dude—who I thought was at church—came running from a back room with a claw hammer. I jumped back out that window in the nick of time.”
“My goodness. You could have got hurt or killed.”
“Tell me about it. I went straight home that day and read my Bible. And I asked God to let me live a long life. See, I got big plans for my future. I’m going to be business partners with this white boy I met in prison—”
Yvonne’s mouth dropped open. “You been locked up, too? You told me you ain’t never got caught.”
I nodded. “I ain’t never got caught. I went to prison for something I didn’t even do!”
“Oh? Did somebody set you up?”
“Not exactly. See, while I was going through a slow spell, one of my buddies invited me out to celebrate my twenty-first birthday. Me and him had pulled a bunch of jobs together, so I read him like a book. Anyway, I didn’t know him as good as I thought I did. He didn’t tell me he was planning to rob the diner he took me to. Before I realized what he was up to, he pulled out a gun, and so did the man behind the counter cooking up the burgers we’d ordered. Long story short, the cook took my boy out with one shot to the heart. When the laws showed up, nobody believed I wasn’t in on the robbery attempt. They slapped me with a eight-year sentence. I been out three. And let me tell you, busting rocks on a chain gang and getting beat up by them racist guards for no reason at all is as close to hell as a colored man can get.”
Yvonne shook her head and gave me a pitiful look. “My Lord. That place I done my time in wasn’t no paradise, neither. They made me help wash the inmates’ clothes, kill and clean chickens, cook, and during crop seasons we all had to work on the farms that supplied some of our food. But you getting locked up for a crime you didn’t commit is one of the worst things that can happen to anybody.”
“We quite a pair, ain’t we?” I reached over and caressed her chin. Her skin was as smooth as a baby’s belly. She was such a improvement over all the rest of the women I’d been with. If I got to pester her in the bed only one time, I’d be okay with that. I knew it would be a romp I would never forget. “Um, when can I see you again, Yvonne?”
“I don’t know. There ain’t no telling how things will play out when I go home and tell Lester I’m moving out.”
“You got much to move?”
“Naw. I can fit everything I want to take in one bag.”
“Do you need any money?”
She eyed me for a long time. “I got a few dollars to get me through until I get paid. Why?”
I didn’t bother to answer her question. I pulled out my wallet and handed it to her. “Take whatever you need.” She took five of the fifteen ones I had. “Listen, you welcome to stay with me until you find another place.”
“Do you mean that?”
“I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t.” I laughed. She didn’t. “As you can see, my place and what I got in it ain’t nothing to brag about. But like I told you, I got big plans for my future. I’m going to start bootlegging as soon as my contact brings me my first order of shine next week.”
“What is ‘shine’?”
“Oh, that’s what the moonshiners call their product. Like Satan, it’s got more than one name. I don’t know what other folks call it in their neck of the woods, but in ours it’s home brew, white lightning, or just plain shine. Most of them highfalutin white bootleggers on the north side just lump it in one category and call it booze. It’s all offshoots of whiskey, beer, and everything in between. To get a nice buzz, you drink home brew. If you want to get slaphappy d
runk, ask for white lightning. It’s the upgraded stuff. If you decide to move in with me, you can drink all you want and help me serve my guests.”
“What else would I have to do?”
“That’s up to you. If we get real close, that’ll be fine with me. If we don’t and you’d rather be with somebody else, that’ll be fine, too. You can still help me run my business. It wouldn’t be backbreaking like that cane-field work. It’d be a heap more fun because we’d make up our own rules, and you’d be making tax-free money.”
Yvonne blinked hard a few times, but not enough to hide the tears threatening to roll out of her eyes. “No man has ever been so nice to me without wanting something in return.” She sniffled and blinked some more.
“Hell, yeah I want something—you. But I ain’t the kind of man to put no pressure on a woman.”
Before I realized what she was up to, she crawled into my lap and started kissing me from jaw to jaw. We smooched for a few minutes, and then I scooped her up and carried her to my bedroom. We made love until we got so tired, we didn’t have no choice but to go to sleep.
When I woke up Saturday morning, a few minutes past 9:00 a.m., she was gone. And she’d took a big piece of my heart with her.
CHAPTER 4
YVONNE
BEFORE I COULD MAKE A COMMITMENT TO MILTON, WHICH I WAS itching to do, I had to take care of business with Katy and Lester.
Saturday morning, while Milton was still sleeping, I eased out of his bed. I put my clothes back on and headed back to Lester’s house. As soon as I walked up on the porch, I could hear him and Katy inside laughing like somebody was tickling the bottoms of their feet. The door was locked now, so I took my key out of my brassiere and unlocked it. Without giving it much thought, I put the key back in my brassiere and opened the door. Them deceitful devils froze when they seen me.
“B-b-baby, where the hell you been?” Lester stuttered, jumping up off the couch. Him and Katy had been sitting so close together, I’d seen only one shadow on the wall behind the couch.
Katy didn’t move. She just stared at me with a blank expression on her face. I wouldn’t have felt so insulted if Lester had cheated on me with a woman that looked better than me. Katy was as skinny as a lizard and had a face like a mule’s. But according to a couple of her lovers that liked to run their mouths, she really knew her way around the bedroom.
“Um, somebody broke into my house last night, while I was visiting Jeannette Sims, a girl I work with. They took my radio. I came over to ask Lester if he heard or seen anything,” Katy said.
I looked at Lester. “Did you hear or see anything?” I asked.
“Naw. Them thieves done got so good, the one that pried open my door and took my record player last month done it while I was sleeping in my own bed,” he griped.
“That’s a damn shame,” Katy yelled. She gave Lester a pitiful look and shook her head. “The slimy devil that broke in my house while I was at work last Wednesday took them ashtrays and the tablecloth my mama gave me last Christmas.”
Nobody spoke for a few seconds, but I didn’t take my eyes off Katy’s face.
She cleared her throat, scratched her head, and faked a smile, so I could tell she was nervous. “Where was you all night? We was so worried!” The serious tone in her voice was as fake as her smile.
“I went out,” I answered in the coolest voice I could manage. “Lester, didn’t you see my note?”
“Yeah, I seen it.” He marched up to me and folded his arms, scowling like he wanted to punch me in the nose. “What I want to know is who you was out with.”
“I went to a bootlegger’s house by myself. So what?” I hissed.
“I’ll tell you so what,” he boomed, wagging his finger in my face. “As long as you my woman, you ain’t going to be hanging out at none of them bootleggers’ houses or jook joints, unless it’s with me. I know how the jokers in them places like to ambush single women!”
I ignored Lester’s rant and squinted at Katy. When our eyes met, she turned her head. “What you been up to, girl?” I asked.
“Me?” she asked dumbly, turning back to face me. “Um . . . I ain’t been up to nothing much. Just going to work every day and hanging around the house, like I usually do.”
“I couldn’t find my key when I got home last night. Lester’s lights was out the first time I came, so I figured he hadn’t come home. Katy, I knocked on your door, and you didn’t answer. Was you home?”
“Nope. I guess I was still at Jeannette’s house. How did you get in here just now?”
“I used my key.”
“You just told us you couldn’t find your key last night,” Katy pointed out.
“That’s right. I was a little drunk and didn’t realize I’d put it in my brassiere instead of my purse, like I usually do.”
“Where did you sleep?” Lester asked, with his hands on his hips now.
“On a pallet on Delroy’s living-room floor. Me and another woman. Her man had left with somebody else.”
“Listen here, gal.” Lester stopped talking long enough to snort like a bull and tighten up the mean look on his face. “Unless you going to work, don’t you never leave this house again without my permission. If I ain’t here, send one of them neighborhood kids to come hunt for me! Do you hear me?”
“Or what?”
“Or I’m going to teach you a lesson you won’t never forget, and you might have to start looking for another place to live. I ain’t going to put up with a hardheaded woman.”
“Maybe I should leave,” Katy threw in, finally standing up.
I shook my head at her. “You ain’t got to leave. I won’t be staying. I just came to get my things. I’m moving out.”
“Moving out?” Lester and Katy hollered at the same time.
“Y’all heard me.” I walked over to the chifforobe on the other side of the room, where I stored some of my clothes and linens in the top drawer. I immediately started snatching out my things. I wanted to haul ass as soon as I could. So instead of looking for a bag to put my stuff in, I grabbed a pillowcase from the same drawer and started stuffing.
“What about your share of next month’s rent, which is due in a few days?” Lester whined, walking up so close behind me, I could feel his hot breath on the back of my neck.
I looked at him with the meanest scowl I could come up with. “Why don’t you ask Katy to move in? She can help you pay it.”
“Me? I got my own place.” Her tone was meek and mild, and she seemed nervous. “And why would I want to move in with your man?”
“He ain’t my man no more. You can have him all to yourself now.”
They gasped and stared at me with so much contempt, I thought they was about to wring my neck.
“What the hell you rambling about, woman?” Lester barked. He moved a few steps away from me and went and stood next to Katy, which was where he belonged.
“I didn’t lose my key. Y’all was too busy to notice me when I let myself in here last night.”
The room got as quiet as a tomb. A split second later, Lester’s voice shot through the air like a cannonball. “Well, now you know! And I’m so overjoyed, I could bust open! Me and Katy ain’t got to sneak around no more!”
“How long y’all been making a fool out of me?”
“What difference do it make?” Lester boomed, dismissing me with a sharp wave.
“Katy, I thought you was my best friend. How could you do this to me?” If Milton hadn’t put me in a better mood, I would have slapped the smug look off her face.
“Humph! Don’t you put the blame on me! It ain’t my fault you couldn’t keep your man satisfied!” she blasted, with her lips quivering.
That was all I needed to hear to lose my cool. I trotted over to her and slapped her face so hard, she screamed and stumbled backward all the way to the wall and slid to the floor.
“Yvonne, you best get out of here while you still can,” Lester advised as he helped Katy up.
“Don’t w
orry. I’ll be out of here in five minutes.”
I zipped to the bedroom and opened the top dresser drawer. I grabbed a few more of my pieces and put them in the same pillowcase. Just as I was about to close the drawer, I spotted one of Lester’s gray socks that he had tied into a knot and stuck in the back. That was where he kept his money. He had just got paid the day before, and he never kept more than a dollar and some change in his pocket. He was so stingy, he still had money left from two previous paydays, plus some he’d been saving for years. And he was worried about how he was going to make rent. I was going to give him something else to worry about. If I took his cash, he wouldn’t be able to pay rent, buy food, or nothing else until he got paid again. His credit was so bad, nobody I knew would lend him a dime. Without giving it another thought, I dropped the sock in the pillowcase and slammed the drawer shut. I wasn’t going to bother with the things I had in the closet, which was only a few blouses and dresses I didn’t want. I slung the pillowcase over my shoulder and went back to the living room.
“Once you leave out that door, you better not come back, or you’ll be sure enough sorry,” Lester warned, with his hands back on his hips. Katy was leaning up against the wall, rubbing the handprint I’d left on her face.
“You can count on that,” I hissed, skittering toward the door.
“You stupid bitch! And where you going to go?” Lester screeched.
“Look out the window to the right. I’ll be staying in that little brown house with the wraparound porch.”
His jaw dropped so low, I could see the base of his tongue. “Wait a minute. That’s the house where Milton . . . You leaving me for that monkey? A ex-convict?”
“In case you forgot, I’m a ex-convict, too. I’m leaving you for a man that know how to treat a woman.” I looked from him to Katy and added with a chuckle, “Y’all have a nice life together. You deserve each other. Toodle-oo!” I left in such a hurry, I didn’t realize I still had the key to his house in my brassiere.
Milton must have been expecting me, because he wasn’t surprised when I showed back up at his house with my pillowcase. He ushered me in so fast, he almost tripped over his feet. “I declare, I’m glad to see you again.” He grinned.