by Anne Rice
"But the very first day I rose, he had far more interesting lessons for me than how I was to travel, invisible, at his command.
"My first waking the following day in his house was a startling affair. I appeared, fully clothed in my finest imitation of flesh, and in Babylonian long-sleeve robes, standing in the study. The sun was just coming in and making a glory of the marble floor. I watched it for some time, and only gradually became conscious of myself, that I was Azriel, and that I was here for some reason and that I was dead.
"I walked through the house, searching for other living creatures. I opened a door on a painted bedroom chamber. But what struck me was not the beauty of the murals or the arched windows open to the garden, but that a horde of semivisible creatures fled from me, screeching and jumping up and down and then surrounding the figure of Zurvan, who lay on the bed as though asleep.
"These figures were not easy to see, flashing between mere outline and bursts of light, manifesting snarling faces and making little screams so rapidly that it was difficult for me to pick out any one figure or even get some impression of any one shape. They were humanlike but smaller, fainter, weaker, and carrying on like crazed children.
"At last they had clustered themselves entirely around the bed, obviously to guard Zurvan or perhaps to seek his protection. Zurvan opened his eyes. He looked at me for a long moment, then rose with excitement, and glared at me, as if he didn't quite believe what he saw.
" 'Surely you remember yesterday, Master, when I came to you. You told me this morning you would call me forth.'
"He nodded, and throwing out his arms, he banished the others, until the room lay empty and civilized, a fine Greek bedroom with admirable murals. I stood at the foot of the bed.
" 'So what have I done wrong?'
" 'You heard me call you in my sleep, that's what you did, and you came, and what this means is your power is even greater than I thought. I was lying here half-awake, merely thinking about you and how to begin, and this was sufficient to call you forth from the bones. The bones, by the way, are there. I didn't touch them. You woke upon hearing yourself the subject of my thoughts.'
"He then pointed to the casket, which I saw was on the floor very near to his bed.
"He turned to the side, planted his feet on the floor, and rose, pulling the bedsheet about him like a long toga.
" 'But we'll use this strength, we won't try to stifle it for my ends or for the ends of others.' He pondered.
" 'Go back into the bones,' he said, 'and when I call you, become flesh and come to me in the agora at noon. I'll be in the tavern. I want you to come to me, fully dressed, solid, having walked the distance from here to there, and having found me by the sheer repetition of my name.'
"I did as he said. I sank back into the soft, downy darkness, but this time I took considerable confusion with me, such as why had I waked in the other room, except that it was the room I knew to be his location as of yesterday, and then I slept. I knew the sleep by measures, as one does when one is half-awake, but I suffered nothing but rest.
"When I knew that it was noon--by a series of tiny signals having to do with light and temperature--I found myself standing in the living room again, well formed and dressed. I checked all the particulars. I checked my hands and feet and clothes, and saw that my hair and beard were groomed, and I did this by merely running my hands over my body and wishing for all this to be so.
"A large burnished mirror stood in the room. When I saw myself in it, I was surprised, as I had some superstitious belief that spirits could not be reflected in mirrors. Then a thought occurred to me. I should go to the Master, yes, as told, immediately, but why not call to the others first? See if they were there?
" 'Show yourself, you little craven monsters!' I said aloud, and at once I did see the room full of the small spirits all watching me in august fear. This time they were still, and it seemed I saw layers of them, as though their substance easily penetrated the substance of another, and I realized there were tall well-formed human shapes among them, eyeing me with caution, as well as the little imps who seemed no more than faces and limbs. I continued to look and say, 'Show yourselves.' And soon saw other spirits in the room, spirits that seemed weary and forlorn, like the newly dead perhaps, and one of these spirits lifted his hand to me very slowly and said, 'Which way?'
" 'I don't know, brother,' I said. Looking beyond into the garden, I saw the air full of spirits. I saw them clearly as if they were fixed and could not move. I sensed this was only one way of seeing them. I remembered their attacks in the palace when I'd first been made a spirit, and no sooner did this thought cross my mind than the whole spirit spectacle changed.
"The still and thoughtful dead were invaded from every direction by the angry, whirling, howling spirits I remembered from my firstborn minutes. I cried out: 'Get back! Get away from me!' I was amazed at the roar which came from me. Most of the enemy fled. But one clung to me, clawing at me, though it made no mark on me and I turned and hit him hard with my fist and cursed at him to return to his safest refuge or I would destroy him! In panic, he disappeared.
"The room was empty and still. I narrowed my eyes. I saw the little spirits waiting. But then I heard a voice very distinctly at my ear; 'I told you to come to the agora, to the tavern. Where are you?'
"This was of course Zurvan's voice.
" 'Do I have to draw you a map?' asked the voice. 'Do you remember my command to you? Start walking towards me. You'll find me, and don't be distracted again by either the living or the dead.'
"I felt a crushing anxiety that I had not instantly obeyed him but I did remember his command, I remembered the morning, I made an effort to remember it, then I walked out of the house and into the street.
"This was my first long walk through Miletus, which was a beautiful and open Greek city, filled with marble, and open gathering places, and the fresh air of the coast and the brilliant light of the sea on the clouds. I walked on and on, viewing many things, little shops and stalls and private houses and fountains and small shrines cut in the walls, and then I came to the great open marketplace, surrounded on all sides by the bazaar, and I saw the open tavern, with its bright white awning blowing in the sea breeze, and I saw Zurvan inside, and I came in and stood before him.
" 'Sit down,' he said. 'Tell me why you opened the front door of my house, instead of merely walking through it.'
" 'I didn't know that I could walk through it. I was flesh. You said come to you in flesh. Are you angry with me? I was distracted by the spirits. I saw the spirits everywhere and I had not seen such a spectacle...'
" 'Hush, I didn't ask you for all of your thoughts, I merely asked why you didn't walk through the door. Now even when you are most solid, you can walk through the door. You can pass through it, because that which makes you solid is not what makes it solid. You understand? Now, disappear and reappear here. No one will notice. The tavern's half-empty. Go ahead.'
"I did this. It was exhilarating, like stretching all my limbs and laughing and then coming back into this solid form.
"He had a much more cheerful expression on his face and now he wanted to hear what I had seen. I told him. Then he asked, 'When you were a living man, you saw spirits, didn't you? Answer without thinking or trying to remember.'
" 'Yes,' I said. This was painful and I could recall no details. I didn't want to. I felt a sense of betrayal and hate.
" 'I knew it,' he said with a sigh. 'Cyrus told me this, but he was so vague and diplomatic in his language, it was impossible for me to be sure. Cyrus has some special love for you and sense of obligation to you. Look, we're going to go into the realm of the spirits. That's best, to go so that you know what it is. But listen first:
" 'Every magician you will ever know will have a different map of the spirit terrain. He will have a different notion of what spirits are and why they behave the way they do. But essentially, what you will see on any spirit journey is the same.'
" 'So you want some wine,
Master?' I asked. 'Your cup is empty.'
" 'Whatever made you interrupt me with that question?' he asked.
" 'You're thirsty,' I said. 'I know because you are.'
" 'What am I going to do with you? How am I going to make you pay attention?'
"I turned and gestured for the wine boy, who came at once and filled my Master's cup. He asked me if I wanted anything, treating me with great deference, more deference even than he had shown my Master. I realized it was my ornate clothing, this great Babylonian show of jewels and embroidery and my formal hair and beard.
" 'No,' I said. I felt sad that I had no money to bestow on him but then I saw several shekels of silver lying on the table. I gave this to him, and he went away.
"When I looked at Zurvan, he was sitting there resting on his elbows merely studying me. 'I think I understand it,' he said.
" 'What in particular?' I asked.
" 'You weren't made or born to obey anyone. The whole Canaanite ritual outlined on the tablet--'
" 'Must you talk of that disgusting tablet!'
" 'Hush! Did you never have an elder in your life, never a teacher, a father, a king? Stop interrupting me. And listen to me. Ye gods, don't you realize, Azriel, you cannot die now! I can teach you what will help you! Don't be so impertinent and stop letting your mind wander. Now! Listen.'
"I nodded. I felt tears spring to my eyes. I felt shame that I'd angered him, and drew a silk napkin out of my robe and blotted my eyes. There was water there I think. Water.
" 'Ah, so that's it! I became angry and that makes you obey.'
" 'Could I leave you if I wished?'
" 'Probably so, but you'd be a fool to do it! Now pay attention. What was I saying to you before you decided that I should have a drink of wine?'
" 'You said that different magicians would outline the spirit world in different ways, and they would give the spirits different names and attributes.'
"He seemed perfectly astonished by this response! I couldn't quite tell why. But it was highly acceptable to him.
" 'Yes, precisely. Now do as I say. Look around you. Look in the tavern and into the agora, look out there into the sun. See the spirits. Don't speak to them or accept any invitation or gesture from them. Merely see all that you can. Search the air as if you were searching for things tiny and precious that you must have, but don't move your lips.'
"I did as he said. I think I fully expected to see the pesty little demons that infested his house. But these I didn't see, so much as the wandering confused dead. I saw their shades or spirits in the tavern, slumped over the tables, trying to talk to the living, walking about as if searching for something...
" 'Now look beyond the earthbound dead, the newly dead, and see the older spirits, the spirits that have vitality as spirits,' he declared.
"I did and saw again those tall beings with fixed eyes, transparent utterly, but with human shapes and distinct expressions and I saw not only those who looked and pointed at me, and made gestures regarding me, but hordes of others. The whole agora was filled with them. I looked up into the sky and saw more resplendent spirits. I let out a little cry. These resplendent spirits were not disturbed or angry or lost, or seeking, but seemed more to be guardians of the living, to be gods or angels, and I saw them to the very height to which I could see. Their comings and goings were swift. In fact, the entire spirit world was in constant movement, and one could classify the spirits by movement, the shades of the dead being sluggish, the older spirits slow and more human, and these angelic spirits, these joyful ones, rushed at a speed the human eye could not follow.
"I must have made many sounds of pleasure. I was overcome by the beauty of some of these aerial creatures, rising into the sun itself, and then I would see the hunkering shade of a dead person coming towards me, hungry and desperate, and I would flinch and draw back. A contingent of spirits who had noticed me was now drawing the attention of others to me. These were the middle spirits, as I saw it, between the dead and the angels, but even as I looked I saw that they were interpenetrated with savage spirits, who darted back and forth, making horrible faces and gestures at me, as if they would hurt me, shaking their fists and trying to egg me into a battle.
"The vision was becoming impossibly dense. I had lost sight of the awning of the tavern, of the floor of the agora, of the buildings opposite. I was in a terrain that belonged to these beings. I felt something touch me which was alive and warm. It was Zurvan's hand.
" 'Become invisible,' he said, 'and surround me, hold as strong as you can to me and take me with you and up and out of here. I will remain flesh, I have to, but you will surround me, you will cloak me with invisibility and protect me.'
"I turned and saw him in brilliant colors of living flesh, and I did as he said, swirling around him, just letting every limb loosen and lengthen until I had him wrapped completely and then I moved out of the cafe, and up into the sky with him, through the thick gang of spirits, and through the startled demonic ones who howled and hissed at us, and tried to grab on to us. I threw them off.
"We went high above the city. I could see it beneath me as I first had, the beautiful peninsula jutting out into the blue sea and the ships at anchor with all their different flags, and men working in a fever, doing seemingly senseless but no doubt routine things.
" 'Take me to the mountains,' said my Master, 'take me to the farthest and highest mountain of the world, the mountain where the Gods came and around which the sun revolves, take me to the mountain called Meru. Take me there.'
"We rose up over the desert, over Babylonia, and I saw her cities scattered out like so many flowers, or traps. Traps. They looked like traps. They looked like traps built to make the gods fly down to them...the way flowers are traps for bees.
" 'Travel north,' he said, 'to the far north, and wrap me in blankets that I'll be warm and hold me fast. Move with greater speed, until you hear me cry out in pain.'
"I obeyed, swaddling him in fine wool, and completely surrounding him and flying ever northward, until nothing lay below us but mountains, mountains capped with snow, and occasional fields, snowy and empty, where flocks grazed and men rode horses, and then it would be mountains again.
" 'Meru,' he said, 'Find it. Meru.'
"I set my mind to this completely and was only slowly aware that I couldn't do it. There is no Meru that I can find,' I said.
" 'It's as I thought. Let us touch down on the earth, down there in the valley where the horses are running, let us touch down there.'
"We did, and I kept him swathed in blankets and surrounded by my invisibility, and realized that in this state I could press my face right beside his face.
" 'It's an old story, an old myth of the great mountain,' he said. 'It is the mountain which inspires ziggurats and pyramids among the tribes that have only a dim memory of it. It is the mountain that inspired the high temples of all lands. Let me go now, Azriel, make yourself flesh and arm yourself well with weapons against these warriors of the steppes. Don't let them harm me. Kill them if they try.'
"I did this, and left him standing, shivering in his blankets. Only a few of the herdsmen had seen us, and they fled at once to the armed men on horseback of whom there were perhaps six, scattered about in some sort of guard. The snow around us was beautiful, but I knew it was cold, I could feel his cold, and I wrapped my fleshly arms around him, commanding myself to be warm and to warm him, and this seemed to give him immediate comfort.
"Meantime the six warriors, stinking worse than their horses, filthy men of the steppes, came riding in a circle around us. My Master called out to them in a language I hadn't heard before, but which was understandable to me, and he asked where was the mountain that was the navel of the world.
"They were taken aback and began to argue, and then all pointed more or less in the same direction, which was north, but no one knew for certain and no one had ever seen it.
" 'Become invisible, lift me and take me away from them. Leave them befuddled. They ca
n't harm us, and what they see is no concern of ours.'
"Once again we were moving north. The wind was now unbearably cold for him. I didn't think I could protect him any better, I had summoned skins to enclose him and I made my heat as strong as I could but then this began to hurt him. I had gone too far.
" 'Meru,' he said. 'Meru.'
"But this gave us no direction, and suddenly he said, 'As fast as you can do it, Azriel, take me home.'
"There was a great roaring noise as I accelerated, and the landscape virtually vanished in a burst of whiteness, and it seemed that spirits ran at us from all directions, falling back as if blown off their course by our strength. My vision was flooded by the yellow of the desert, and then once again, the city of Miletus was plain to me, and we were in his living room and I picked him up in his blankets and skins and carried him in and laid him on the bed.
"The host of little spirits stood around in awe.
" 'Food and drink,' he said to them. And they scurried to obey, bringing him a bowl with some broth in it, and a golden goblet of wine. The goblet was Greek and very beautiful, as all Greek things were then, seemingly more graceful and less rigid in form than things Oriental.
"But I feared for Zurvan. He lay there, frozen it seemed, and I lay on top of him, warming him, swirling around him, then hugging him and then finally when he had turned the proper color of a living being, and his eyes were wide and blue, I let go, laying out the covers.
"His flock of little spirits helped him to sit and even brought the spoon to his lips and the cup to his lips.
"I sat at the foot of the bed. I had no need of broth and was proud of it. Released. I was also very strong. After a long time he looked at me.
" 'You did well," he said. 'You did wondrously well.'
" 'I never found the mountain.'
"He laughed. 'And you probably never will, nor I, nor anyone else.' He banished all the others, and they fled like slaves, and the room was clean of them. 'Every man holds some myth sacred in himself, some old story told to him, which for him had the ring of truth, or maybe just the allure of beauty. So it was with me and the sacred mountain. And so with your power I have journeyed to the very top of the world and seen for myself that Meru is not a place, no more than I thought it was, but a thought, a concept, an ideal.'