“Are you hungry? Because I can make you a sandwich.”
That was another thing. Zoey was forever feeding him. Taking care of him. Asking about his day. He wasn’t used to this kind of treatment.
“Babe, you don’t always have to feed me. I can dress myself and everything.”
She snorted. “I want to.”
He understood. She’d been raised by Gloria, who lovingly cared for her family without complaint. And Zoey was more like her aunt than even she realized. She might look like Veronica, but from what he had seen firsthand she was nothing like her.
“Okay.” He took off his holster and set it in a safe place on the counter.
As she worked, she told him about her day. Former Haight-Ashbury hippie Mrs. Mitchell had wanted Zoey to figure out her kindred animal, and when she’d said that it was a bird Mrs. Mitchell chuckled and said she’d known all along. He loved listening to her, mostly because of the lilting sound of her laugh. And he loved watching the way she moved because she was finally comfortable in her own body and with him. And they had this. An ease together. Something he could get used to.
Damn. He was addicted to Zoey.
After he’d eaten his sandwich with her on his lap (she did everything but feed it to him) he rose and drew her into her warmly lit living room.
“Can you stay with me tonight?” she asked softly, her voice a whisper as she buried her face in his neck. “You have some clothes here.”
He’d been staying with her so often that he’d half moved in with her. Whether or not she realized this, it had happened with every intention on his part. He’d wanted to be with her, to crowd her space, make her love him. That probably made him a lovesick man. He might have prepared for this moment when he could lose everything had he seen it coming. Now it was too late.
Because he’d made plans with her for a future that didn’t include him continuing to be the sheriff. And he didn’t know if she’d want him to stay at all after he told her he was running again. But he could hope.
Chapter 27
“Sure, babe,” Ryan said. “I’ll stay.”
Zoey simply gazed at him in his uniform of beige cargo pants and white button-up, sleeves rolled up his sinewy forearms. Took him in. Every inch of him. He had shadows of beard bristle on his chin and jawline, his mossy green eyes were warm and inviting, and he looked good enough to eat. She would now put her heart on the line with a little bit of truth. Revealing some of just where this was going for her. Showing him how accustomed she’d become to being with him nearly every night. How much she counted on him to hold her and make her feel safe. Desired. She’d never had a man to depend on before unless you counted Tio. Never a man she could trust with her heart and her body.
And her life had worked that way for years, her expectations lining up neatly with the results. This was different. So different that some nights she couldn’t breathe.
“I almost can’t sleep anymore without you.”
The man now had a direct line to her heart and given the way his gaze heated, she’d told him exactly what he wanted to hear.
He drew her into his arms on the couch and squeezed her waist tight. “That’s good.”
“Did you get many nuisance calls today?” She ruffled his hair.
“Not many, unless you count the mayor and city councilman Pullman as nuisances, which wouldn’t be wrong. Both want my endorsement in the next election.”
“It’s nice to be wanted, but they should really have the endorsement of the next sheriff. Right?”
He shifted next to her. “Yeah, that will be me.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, if the good people of Fortune reelect me, I’ll be their sheriff again.”
The floor dropped out from under her. No, no. This wasn’t the plan. Wait. Hold on. He’s going to explain in a minute and it will all make sense. He didn’t lie. He didn’t change his mind once he’d made a decision this important. She could trust him. This was Ryan. He was steady and rock-solid, and they had a plan.
Her fingers froze in the middle of trailing through his hair. “Why? You hate it. You weren’t going to run again. That’s what you said.”
“When I first got elected, I resented being put in a leadership position again. I did it because I had to, because I was asked to help and because I was needed. Like I’ve done so many things in my life. Out of duty. Obligation. This was supposed to be temporary because the last time I led anything of real importance, I failed one of my men. It cost him his life.”
Okay. This was the problem. He still felt guilty after all this time over something that was not under his control. But Jill’s words resonated in Zoey’s mind: And you believed him? Ryan will do what he needs to do. That’s who he is.
“Ryan, that wasn’t your—”
“Fault. I get it now. All I can do, all any of us can do, is try. Being the leader that the residents of this town need me to be is not the worst thing that could ever happen to me.”
“But—”
You don’t want that life. I don’t want that life. They’d made plans. She’d forgotten to see “where it went” and she’d gone ahead and made plans with him. Counted on him. Stupid. She’d allowed herself to fall for him. Like she was careening down a hill at breakneck speed, she moved from hurt and confusion to anger.
He should have told her sooner. The moment he’d started to change his mind.
He was so quiet, so very calm, and she wondered if he wanted her to react. Wondered if he wanted her to scream and cry and remind him that he’d essentially lied to her. The pebble lodged in her throat made it difficult to speak, but she dislodged it by leaping off his lap and facing him.
“You said you’re not the badge! You said that.”
“That’s true. I’m not.”
“But we made plans. We were going to go on trips together.”
“We can still do all those things, baby.”
“Being the sheriff is more than a job. You’ll never get away from it. It’s a career, and it’s a calling. It’s politics and endorsements. It’s the pedestal. Everyone always watching you.”
“And that bothers you?”
Bothered her? It had bothered him!
“You know it does and you know why!” She went hands on hips. “When did you change your mind?”
“Does it matter? The point is I’m still the same guy. I haven’t changed.”
“Yes, you have. How can I trust anything you say to me?”
“Wait. You don’t trust me? Is that what you’re saying?”
She had trusted him. Trusted him more than she had any other man. A mistake. Ryan wasn’t any different. He was simply a better person, but he didn’t care any more about her than the boyfriend who loved small towns and planned to stay until he left for big city life. No different than Veronica, who went to Mexico for a short while but never came back.
She needed rock-steady. No risk. An assurance that whoever loved her was never going to leave. Would never turn her life upside down. She’d believed Ryan to be that man. A man who wanted quiet, calm and privacy.
“I see now that I can help people here in bigger ways than I’d ever realized. It’s the small things. But you know I’ll always protect you. No matter what I do. If I dig ditches or build houses or have to endorse the damn mayor, no one will hurt you on my watch. Ever.”
God, she realized that. But she’d have to protect herself this time. “Y-you can’t always be around to protect me.”
“Do you know what I think this is really about?” He moved to face her. “You’re afraid. It’s the reason you have so many animals taking up all of your time. Your work and your life. They’re in your heart and your bed.”
“Don’t be ridi—”
“Think about it. You didn’t make enough room for me.”
“No way. You don’
t get to psychoanalyze me. I showed you real intimacy in there.” She pointed to her bedroom. “Did you forget?”
“Not at all.” He got close enough to touch her, to simply lay his hand on her heart. “But this is what you’re holding back. From me.”
No, that couldn’t be true. She’d opened her heart to him. She’d—
“You, Zoey Castillo, put your pets between you and anyone who might ask more of you. It’s the reason you tell yourself you want to find Boo a home, but you actually want to keep him.”
He might as well have thrust a poisoned arrow into her heart. She’d thought he understood her dedication.
“Not true! I just want him to have a good home.”
“He has one.”
She couldn’t meet Ryan’s eyes. He believed Boo’d had a good home and she was clinging to him for spite. Because people didn’t get to make mistakes when they included abandoning their pets.
“He doesn’t get to—”
“Make a mistake?” He slid her a gaze so filled with pain that she almost couldn’t breathe. “Because I’ve made some myself.”
“That’s different. It wasn’t a mistake. You tried. You didn’t want to fail anyone.”
“But I did anyway.” He took a deep breath. “I had to make a quick decision and followed all my training. It was the toughest decision of my life and one I’ll never forget.”
And he’d made another decision, as well. One that again put everyone else before him. Serving his town, even in a capacity he hated.
“Then why keep punishing yourself?”
“Because it doesn’t feel like punishment anymore.” Two large hands framed her face. “You know this better than most. This town is filled with good people I can help. If they insist on seeing me as their hero, maybe I can show them what a hero looks like. He’s someone who doesn’t take credit for the good he’s done because he doesn’t need the credit. And I might add that working in law enforcement for a small town is a lot less dangerous than it is in Oakland. Which is a good thing for a man who might one day want to start family.”
She swallowed hard. He wanted a family.
“You know that I’ve already had someone in my life who told me one thing then did another. People around me are always changing. Leaving. We made plans for a different kind of life. If you’d said something sooner...”
“You would have stopped seeing me?” He traced then tugged her bottom lip.
She wouldn’t have, but she would have certainly guarded her heart. Surrounded it with a barbed wire fence, because he was staying in a life that she wanted no part of. She thought back to the day of the pet wash and the photograph of the two of them, her obvious affection for him displayed for anyone to see. A future with him would mean many more of those photos, more parties and events, and a public life with a private man.
She dropped her gaze, her eyes watery. “I feel like you’ve made this decision because you want to let me go.”
He forced her chin up to meet his heated gaze. “Absolutely not. Right now I’m looking at the only woman I’ve ever wanted. But it’s up to you to decide if this is a deal breaker. I never meant to choose between you and this job.”
He was asking her if she loved him enough. And god, she did, but she was still so afraid, which pissed her off. She was afraid of a life where appearances mattered too much, where people got too caught in the glamour. Life on a pedestal, where everyone always looked. Probably because they didn’t want to miss it when you fell off.
She’d been that girl once before, enthralled with beauty and attention. She didn’t want to make another mistake. She didn’t want to lose sight of what was important. Real. A simple and quiet life. Family, home, her pets. Even though she also saw before her the only man who’d ever owned her heart, it would be a mistake to take what she wanted without regard for the consequences.
No, that was Veronica. She took what she wanted and didn’t care what that meant for anyone else.
“I don’t want you to do that either,” she admitted. “I want you to have what you want.”
“Why do I think that’s not good news for me?”
“I don’t know why,” she said, and this time the tears spilled. “But I just can’t do this.”
“I think I know why,” he said, his own eyes wet. And she fell a little bit deeper. “But if you change your mind, you know where you can find me.”
Chapter 28
Zoey and Boo were such a pair. They were officially two of a kind. For a week, both of them lay around the house moping. Zoey crying, Boo sighing. They both wanted something they shouldn’t have. These two things weren’t good for them in the long run and they’d lead to more heartache eventually. Right now Boo couldn’t see that.
“Did I mention your former owners gave you up?” she said to Boo one desolate morning over her second or tenth cup of coffee. Who could keep track anymore?
She needed a lot of it to keep her awake since she wasn’t sleeping well at night. Or, you know, not at all.
Okay, to be precise, Boo’s fur daddy hadn’t given him up. His wife had given Boo up and Mr. Dawson had been too much of a coward to fight for him. Or too ashamed. But Zoey hurt for him too because his wife had taken the dog that he loved and given him away like he was nothing more than trash. It was up to Zoey to make certain Boo would never be abandoned again. No one would fault a mama bear for wanting to take care of her cub.
“You should be with people who want you as much as you want them.”
Boo had no response but to lift his massive head, sniff the air and lie back down with a sigh. Corky did the same, ever the supportive friend. Ever since Boo had returned, Corky didn’t leave his side. This sadness was catching and they’d all been infected.
For the past few days Zoey had stayed home from work, and Hannah was covering at the shop. Tonight was Friday and Zoey might actually show for Tio and Tia’s standing invitation to dinner. An invite she’d turned down when she’d been otherwise occupied with one handsome, heartbreaking sheriff. Ironically, this week she’d planned to ask Ryan to Friday night dinner for the first time. Now she was alone again. Well, alone with her pets. Bella and Indie had reclaimed their side of the bed and were happy about it. For the record, Zoey was not.
Ryan had made his choice. She’d made hers and even though she was miserable it still seemed like the right thing to do. Sooner or later he’d have come to resent her when he realized she wasn’t the right woman for him. He wasn’t the right man for her if he wanted her to give up the life she’d planned and lived for so long. That life was safe. Calm. It was what she wanted and where she had to remain.
The following week Zoey took Boo with her to Friday night dinner, hoping Tia would understand. At the door, Tia’s brows quirked in surprise but she accepted Zoey’s explanation that Boo was too depressed and despondent to leave alone.
“Fine, let’s take him to the backyard. I just vacuumed in here,” Tia said.
Zoey stepped inside with Boo following and came to a full stop when she saw Veronica sitting on the couch in the living room next to Tio. As an added surprise, she wore beige slacks with a black cap-sleeved blouse, her hair in an elegant bun. Zoey had never seen her look so plain and it was a little...disconcerting.
“Hi, Mami,” Zoey said. “What are you doing here?”
She had zero doubt that Jorge was not in the vicinity. Not in Tia’s home. And evidenced by the serene expression on Tio’s face as he sat easily next to Veronica, Tia had respected Zoey’s wishes and left him in the dark. Good. His blood pressure was high enough.
Veronica stood and took a step back, eyeing Boo with more than a little wariness. “I wanted to see you before I went back.”
Zoey led Boo to the well-manicured yard through the open sliding glass door. She shut it and accepted Veronica’s hug. Then she was quickly herded into Tio’s arms. These hugs were much n
eeded tonight and she accepted them easily.
“The rice will be ready in ten minutes,” Tio said, and headed to the kitchen.
“It will be more than ten minutes,” Zoey said and both Veronica and Tia laughed.
“I do remember that,” Veronica said.
“Just like old times,” Tia said. “The four of us together again.”
Zoey gave them both a tight smile. She hardly remembered the old days. They’d lived with Tio and Tia for a while, but it had been up to Tia to do most of the cooking and cleaning. Of course, she’d never complained.
“I’ll be right back,” Tia said. “I have to help Raul in the kitchen or we’ll still be waiting to eat by midnight.”
Now it was Veronica giving the tight smile. Sometimes it was a little like looking in the mirror. Unnerving.
“I’m so sorry, mi amor,” she said, reaching to stroke Zoey’s cheek. “I’ve never seen that side of Jorge. That night...he might have been drinking but that’s no excuse.”
“No. It isn’t.” For the first time, Zoey noticed that Veronica’s engagement ring was missing. And her heart hurt for Veronica because now Zoey, too, knew what it was like to lose someone you loved. For whatever reason.
“I’m sorry, too. I didn’t want to ruin this for you, but I just...”
“There is no sorry. You were only trying to protect me. Sometimes I forget that I have family here and people who have my best interests in mind. I’ve been waiting for a long time to find a man like your father and I simply believe now that he doesn’t exist.”
Zoey didn’t want to believe that either—that her beautiful mother would remain alone for the rest of her life because she’d already met the love of her life and lost him.
“Someone else will come along,” she said.
It was the one thing she was trying hard to believe and not that she’d given up the one and only man on earth right for her in every way except one.
The problem was, she knew better. She would never find anyone better for her than Ryan.
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