by Izzy Hodder
I hadn’t heard from Crystal yet and it was bothering me, I had gone to the group last night and she wasn’t there. I realised I didn’t even know where she lived.
“Hello,” said Luke sneaking up behind me, “how you feeling?”
I nodded and took a breath. “I’m good, I’m good. I’m ready,” I said, but there was something niggling at the back of my head. I couldn’t quite place it but it had been there ever since Monday and it was driving me crazy.
We caught the tube towards Redbridge, this is where the clinic was; it was a part of the King Georges hospital but a part I’d never been to before obviously.
When we walked up the steps to the entrance I started to feel really sick. Luke took my hand. “It’s okay Amy, you’ll be fine; I promise.” He looked me straight in the eyes and I trusted him. We walked in the doors and were seated in a waiting room. Surrounded by women of all ages my head started to spin. I rested it on Luke’s shoulder. No, there was definitely something wrong, I thought. It was that niggling; whatever it was at the back of my mind that was bothering me.
“Luke,” I started to say just as a nurse walked over to us. She smiled. “Amy Webb, would you follow me please?”
I looked at Luke; he looked at me. I looked at all of the women surrounding me; their eyes stood out and I thought of Crystal.
“No,” I said; I’m not sure who to; the nurse maybe, Luke, me?
“No,” I repeated; thinking of the eyes. Thinking of Crystal’s eyes and how they glazed over, how she had given up in that moment and how she would never be the same again.
“Amy what’s wrong?” asked Luke gently.
“I can’t do it,” I said, looking at him. I couldn’t explain the Crystal story to him; it wouldn’t make sense. I didn’t understand it myself but right now it felt intensely right to not go through with the abortion.
“Okay,” he said slowly; not knowing what to do.
The nurse spoke, “Don’t worry Amy, a lot of people are torn making this decision. We have people here you can talk to if you would like?”
I shook my head and stood up. Luke stood up quickly with me. “No,” I said, “thank you though; but I know what I want to do. Sorry for taking up your time.” I grabbed Luke’s hand and started walking back out. Once in the fresh air; we stopped and we looked at each other. Luke smiled, I smiled. To this day I can’t explain how right that decision felt but it just did.
“We can do this,” he said and I nodded. “Come on; let’s go on a mystery tour.”
Luke led me on to the tube; of course not letting me see which direction we were going in. He did love his mystery tours; he’d done a few with me over our years, they always marked significant chapters in our lives.
“Where are you taking me this time?” I mockingly whined as we sat down in the tube.
“Somewhere new,” he said; tapping away on his phone. “You’re going to love it.” I felt free and young again; running around the city like this with Luke.
“But first we may need to stop for some clothes,” he grinned at me.
“What why?” I asked, puzzled. “Well I can’t tell you silly but you are going to need a dress and I am going to need some nicer trousers and definitely some kind of blazer.”
The tube stopped and Luke got up. “This is us,” he said and we walked out.
“Luke, why do I need a dress? I’m not marrying you, you know,” I joked.
“Oh what a good idea…” his voice trailed off and I widened my eyes, “kidding,” he laughed, “no, not a white dress. Any colour will do, here let’s try this charity shop; we don’t have much cash.” We were standing outside a blue painted charity shop.
“Sounds good to me,” I said, “but wait, I’m going to turn off my phone for the day.”
“Good idea,” agreed Luke. Turning off his ‘let’s just escape for a little while’.
I nodded in agreement and together we walked into the shop.
When we came out half an hour later we were two completely different people. I interlocked my arm into Luke’s and we strolled along the street. I was wearing a rose gold halter necked dress with long, dangly, expensive looking earrings (they had cost two pounds.) On my feet there was a pair of gold small-heeled sandals. My toes were numb but I didn’t care. Luke next to me was in navy suit trousers and a navy blazer. All in all we’d spent less than twenty pounds. I still didn’t know where we were going but I didn’t care. I was with Luke; we were laughing and window shopping in the middle of London. Everything was going to be okay.
“I’d love an apartment in New York city when I’m older,” I said wistfully; “just off central park, somewhere in the middle of it all; imagine that.”
“That’d be pretty cool alright. I’m thinking though that Dubai is the place to be. I mean look at how much money everyone who goes there makes.”
“True,” I said, “maybe we should just buy a beach house in California and be hippies; that sounds easy.”
“Now, that is definitely something I’m down for. Man a secret part of me has always wanted a ponytail.”
We both laughed, Luke looked at his watch that I had got him for his 17th birthday.
“God, almost 3; we better hurry,” he said tugging me along faster. We were near London Bridge at this stage. We took a couple of turns and back alleyways and then we were on Thomas Street. I started to guess where we were headed but that would be crazy so I didn’t say it out loud.
“Here we are my lady,” exclaimed Luke, stopping outside the shard building. I froze.
“You’re not serious,” I said slowly.
“Quick now, we’re late for our reservation,”
he opened the door and we walked towards the lift. Luke pressed for the 31st floor.
“Our reservation?” I asked.
“Lunch is a lot cheaper than dinner,” winked Luke. I couldn’t believe it. I had been obsessed with coming up here to eat in the restaurant at the top of one of the tallest buildings in London with the most amazing view. I had never come because I guess you needed a good reason to come to an expensive restaurant like this and I never had one. I could not wait to see the view.
The elevator doors opened and there it was. All of London and beyond; stretching out further and further.
“I wanted to show you that it’s a big world,” whispered Luke; leading me out into the restaurant and bar.
“It is,” I said back.
“Good afternoon,” a lady dressed in a stylish waitress uniform came up to us.
“Reservation for Luke,” said Luke confidently. Dressing up had certainly been a good idea I thought as I looked around. There must have been some sort of work function on because there were a few big groups of people all incredibly dressed up.
“Oh yes here you are, follow me Mr and Miss Fray; we got for you; as requested one of the best views in the house.” She led us towards the front of the restaurant; directly in front of the massive windows. There was a table for two. We sat down and she left us to decide what to order; promising us a bottle of champagne was on its way.
“Mr and Miss Fray,” I laughed once she had walked away.
“I know right, I booked with my dad’s ‘only for emergencies credit card’ though and that’s the name on it.”
“Luke!” I exclaimed, “He’s going to freak out! And the champagne too.”
“He’ll be fine; this is an emergency of sorts. Food is essential right? Especially when you’re pregnant,” he said in lower voice.
“Oh I can’t actually drink, but your right I suppose we will have to order double right,” I smiled.
“Triple,” nodded Luke.
The waitress came back with the champagne and I asked for a non-alcoholic cocktail along with our orders. We went slightly overboard, ordering three starters and three mains.
“We’re celebrating,” said Luke, clinking his glass to mine.
“We are?” I asked taking a sip.
“Yes, under any other circumstances a guy and a
girl in love would be over the moon to have a baby on the way right? So why shouldn’t we?”
I could see his point. It was all a matter of how you viewed what was socially acceptable.
“Yeah you are right,” I said, “but our whole futures Luke.” He put up his hand.
“We still have them Amy, they just might be a little different now. You can still be a nurse and I can still study Law but we can do it in our own time. We can make it work for us. We’ll be like one of those super modern new families, nothing happens the way it used to now anyways.”
“Do you actually think we can do this?” I asked.
“Think? Amy I know we can. I could never imagine my life without you even before all of this happened so no way was I ever letting you go. Our life together is just going to have an earlier start than everyone else’s right?”
“You know, when you put it like that, you make it sound pretty exciting,” I smiled, tucking into our food that had just arrived.
“It is Amy; it will be.”
“Now let’s talk about names,” I said, my whole mood picking up. This could work, I thought. We could do this, Luke and me. We were different from the rest; we wouldn’t fall apart or become failures of parents. So we sat there, the whole of London by our side as the daylight got darker, we ordered dessert and then seconds and soon enough all of the stars were out and the moon was full. We had been here for hours. We stared out into the night sky.
“Look,” I said, pointing out a shooting star that flew past.
“Make a wish,” said Luke closing his eyes.
I closed mine too, and I wished. I wished for Luke and I to be good parents and I wished for everything to be okay; and in that moment, I actually believed it would.
Of course perfect moments can’t last forever. And eventually the waitress did tell us another couple had arrived for their reservation. Luke paid for everything with his dad’s ‘emergency credit card’ and we walked out into the night air, full and laughing.
“It’s time to head home Amy,” said Luke as we walked towards the tube.
“Oh dear, for a brief moment I forgot about that place,” I laughed.
“Will your parents be okay?” he asked.
“They’ll be fine,” I lied, I knew they had probably been searching for me all day and were in the midst of a panic attack.
“Mine will get it I think,” contemplated Luke, “I mean Mum will, she’s like in love with you after the other day. Did I tell you that?”
“No,” I laughed, “what did she say?”
“Oh she just thinks you’re so mature and good for me.”
I laughed, “I’m good for you?”
“Bizarre, I know.” He rolled his eyes cheekily.
We arrived at my stop and I got up to get off.
“Love you,” I said.
“Love you too, text me when your home,” said Luke and the doors shut between us. My feet hurt as I walked home, these sandals were definitely a size too small. I was glad no one was out on our street to see me, earlier it had felt like we were in a different country not our home city. Thank god no one had seen us I smiled.
I reached my front door and before I could even knock it opened. Dad was there. “She’s home,” he bellowed before pulling me into a tight, tight hug.
I was expecting the usual shouts and roars from Dad and the typical tears and stern voice from Mum but no, after Dad hugged me he brought me into the kitchen where Mum and Mike were sitting.
“Oh my gosh, Amy, what happened?” cried Mum.
“Amy seriously, you need to stop shocking us all the time. I need my time to be the rebellious teenager okay, you’re taking it all away from me,” mocked Mike.
“I’m so sorry,” I started looking at all of them, “I’ll forgive you,” joked Mike.
“Don’t worry about it Amy, you don’t need to apologise for anything, let me run to the bathroom and then we can all talk, just sit tight and relax,” Dad ran up the stairs.
I raised my eyebrows and looked at Mum and Mike. What a change of tune, I thought. From a man who hadn’t looked me in the eyes for two months to a man who suddenly wanted me to relax.
“You being gone really gave him a shock Amy,” said Mum quietly.
“Yeah he finally copped on and was blaming himself, thought you might have done a runner or god knows what…” continued Luke.
“He thought it was his fault…because of all the harsh words he said,” sighed Mum. “I know you knew he didn’t mean them and I tried to tell him that but still…”
“I don’t know,” said Mike. “Honestly I think it was what he needed to realise there are far worse things than you being pregnant…”
I smiled at him. Dad returned.
“Amy, can I just say?”
I put up my hand.
“Dad, don’t worry. I know what you’re going to say and you don’t need to.”
“No, Amy, I was wrong I treated you awfully and then when you were gone all I could think about was how awful I’ve been, how cruel and how un-loving and how if god forbid anything happened to you, the last way I would have been was a terrible, terrible dad.”
I looked at him and reached out my arms. He hugged me.
“I needed to acknowledge how lucky I was, sometimes we need to be scared a little to help us realise how lucky we are.”
I nodded, he sat down beside me. I knew they were all wondering what had happened. So I filled them in from start to finish, all of the Luke and I dressing up, included.
“That’s an awful dress though,” commented Mike, looking me up and down. I whacked him across the table.
“So, ehm Amy, did you and Luke talk about your choices now then?” asked Mum worriedly.
I told them we’d decided to keep the baby, I left out the fact that we’d already decided on names and all of that; one step at a time, I thought.
Dad took a deep breath but before he could say anything Mum interrupted.
“You do understand what that will mean right?”
I nodded.
“Of course we will give you all the help you need but it won’t be our baby, it’ll be yours…” said Mum.
“It’s an idea…” started Dad.
“Look, we have spent the whole day talking it over, Luke and I and he’s going to talk to his parents too but what we think is we will both take a year out from college, I mean we will just defer any offers we get. We will work and hopefully everything will be okay right?” Saying it out loud I was aware how unrealistic the whole plan was. I mean were we going to live together? We couldn’t afford even a tiny place in London and did we even want to live together? It had all seemed a lot more rose tinted in the candlelit restaurant.
“Okay,” Mum said slowly, “look Amy, I understand that you and Luke love each other very much but have you really thought about this?”
I stalled, no, I thought, no I hadn’t but if I was going to be mature I may as well start pretending that I was.
“Yes. I mean we know it will be difficult and I don’t want to put anything on you…”
“Well…” started Dad, “there are other options right…”
Mum interrupted, she looked tired, “Look I suppose it’s good that you two have decided what you want.” She shot Dad a look. “So let’s just take it slow from here and we will definitely figure it all out. Keeping the baby is possible, once we all work together; it mightn’t be the image you see in your head Amy, you do understand that life isn’t like that.”
“Yeah,” nodded Dad, “who knows, you mightn’t have to defer college; we will figure it out.”
I knew what he was implying, that I could go locally and Mum could take care of the baby. But it was my baby; I didn’t want that. I kept my mouth shut though, it was late and I could sort it all out later. What I really wanted was a bath and bed.
“Okay,” I said getting up to leave.
“Oh by the way Amy; Lily was calling for you. She sounded worried,” said Luke, making a face. I
made one back.
“Okay, I’ll call her. I’m just going to have a bath and go to bed.”
Twenty minutes later I was in the tub; I turned my phone back on. Dozens of message from both Tara and Lily; I had forgotten they would be expecting me in school. As I was looking through them my phone started buzzing, Lily. I slid across to answer.
“Hey,” I said.
“Hey you, how is everything?” asked Lily anxiously.
“Oh good,” I was trying to think of a valid excuse, “I just was really ehm, sick, like stomach and…”
“Oh I called earlier and Mike said you were visiting your aunt Cindy, that she was sick…”
I intervened quickly, stupid Mike, “Oh god yeah, she was sick and I was sick so ehm…I said I’d bring her over stuff cause you know, I can’t get ehm sicker…”
“Right,” said Lily slowly, “so are you okay then?”
“Yeah of course why wouldn’t I be?” I asked, sounding sharper than I intended.
“Whoa, chill just wondering, like you are sick. What exactly is wrong then?” Her tone contained sarcasm and suspicion.
“It’s ehm kind of awkward Lily, you don’t want to know.”
I didn’t know what I was saying but I needed her to believe me.
“Oh my god no. Have you got an STD?” cried Lily from the other end of the phone. Great, I thought. Look at the new mess I’ve gotten myself in.
“No, no,” I said quickly but then I had an idea. “A UTI, I just need to pee all the time, it’s awful. Sorry for being so shady.” I lied, my face going red even though she wasn’t there to see it.
“Oh shit Amy, I am sorry; I shouldn’t have pushed you.”
“You’re alright,” I said, laughing in an attempt to ease the situation. “I should be okay by tomorrow. I got some stuff from the doctor…”
“Fabulous because we are having a sleepover on Friday at mine! Me you, Tara and hell of a lot of food and champagne; I’m going to get all your favourites.”
I didn’t know what to say, usually I loved out girl’s nights in with just us three, but it was getting harder and harder to spend time with them whilst keeping this massive secret. I felt like everything I said was a lie even if it wasn’t.