by Jamie Knight
We played a few rounds of pool, throwing back about a dozen beers. We didn't talk about Natalia anymore, but I could tell that she was still on his mind. She was on mine, too. I would have loved to sneak off and talk to her. But, I didn't want James to get suspicious, so I forced myself to stay down in the basement with him, talking, drinking and playing pool. I stayed until what I felt was a reasonable amount of time. Once it got dark, I thought it would be a chance to make my exit.
“Well, I have really enjoyed myself,” I said, forcing a yawn. “But, I think it's time for me to hit the old dusty trail. I've got a really busy workweek ahead of me and I'll be starting physical therapy this week. And I'm sure that you've got tons of things that you need to do, too.”
James sat down, rubbing his temples. I hadn't realized how worn out he looked until then.
“Yeah, you're right,” he said, sadness in his voice. “I'm going to be leaving again soon and I'm really worried about leaving Natalia here alone.”
I was worried about that, too, but I knew that there was nothing that I could really do to help. I wished that I could offer to stay at the house and look after her, but there was no telling what more would happen. We probably would have ended up back in bed together. And that wouldn't have made things better. It would only work to complicate things. I didn't want to be the reason that things ended up being more complicated.
“It will all work itself out,” I said, hoping that I sounded more confident than I felt.
Under normal circumstances, I was sure that something like this would have just come and gone just as quickly as it came. But, since I was the person on the other end of things, I couldn't be sure. Even though I had put distance between us by moving out and getting my own place, that didn't stop me from craving her, for wanting to be near her, to touch her. To begin with…
I knew that I had to get out of there and fast. Otherwise, I wasn't quite sure what I would do.
“You're right. I'm probably thinking too hard. It is late, though. I'll walk you to the door.”
We picked up the empty cans of beer that had been littered across the floor and headed up the stairs. When we got upstairs, I saw Natalia and her friend, Grace, walking down the hallway in our direction.
“Don't forget that we're supposed to be having that sleepover with Sarah and Hazel,” said Grace, wagging her finger at Natalia. “Make sure that you rest or whatever you need to so that we can have an amazing time. It will help you to get your mind off of things.”
She turned her head dramatically in my direction, giving me the dirtiest look that she could muster. I stared at the floor, hoping that my face wouldn't turn bright red from embarrassment.
“Hey, can you walk Grace out to her car?” asked James.
It was a simple enough request, but given the looks that she had been throwing me all night, I was less than enthused about walking outside with her. But, I also knew that it would be the nice thing to do, so I went along with it.
“Sure, no problem,” I said, extending my arm to Grace as I stepped in front of the door.
She rolled her eyes and pushed past me, walking out the door. James winced and laughed, shaking his head. I quickly said goodbye to James and Natalia and followed Grace out the door. I walked her to her car. Before we could reach her car, though, she turned and glared at me. I waited for her to say something, but at first she didn't. After what felt like an eternity, she finally spoke.
“You're an idiot,” she said.
I knew that it had something to do with Natalia. And I couldn't deny it. It had been very stupid of me to give into sleeping with her, knowing how young she was and how close her dad and I were. It was selfish and stupid and Grace was bold enough to say so.
“I know,” I said, hanging my head in shame. “I don't know what to say. I wish that I had been thinking.”
“So, you wouldn't have moved out, then? If you had been thinking, I mean?”
I looked at her confused. I had no idea what she meant.
“What do you mean?” I asked, hoping that she would enlighten me.
“I mean the fact that you're being so stupid when you and Natalia obviously care about each other. She's crazy about you! Don't you see that?”
“I would give anything to be with her, but...”
“But, nothing,” she yelled, cutting me off. “You want to be with her. She wants to be with you. But, you're letting some stupid moral code get in the way of you two being happy together. That makes you one of the biggest idiots that I've seen in a very long time.”
Watching her stand there, yelling, her fists clenched at her side was almost comical. She was such a small, thin girl. Yet, she had the courage of someone at least twice her size. But, she still was just that: a girl, one who didn't yet understand how the world worked. She didn’t understand that, even though Natalia and I may want something really bad, it didn't mean that we would necessarily get it.
“You don't understand,” I said, shaking my head, looking around to make sure that no one heard us. “This is the best thing...no, the only thing, that I can do. Hopefully, one day Natalia will see that.”
Grace stood back, crossing her arms, glaring at me.
I knew that there would be no convincing her. She had made up her mind and that was it. Instead of standing there arguing with her, I figured that it was a good time for me to make my exit. I wished her a good night, walked over to my car, and climbed inside.
Just breathe, I told myself, willing myself not to look in her direction. I started up my car, gave it a little gas, and drove off. Right before I turned the corner, I looked back in my rearview mirror.
Grace was still standing there looking in my direction, her face and form full of contempt.
Chapter 35
Natalia
“Whatcha doin?” asked Grace over the phone, trying and failing at sounding nonchalant.
I had been ignoring her texts all day, so she called. I knew that if I didn't answer that she would be coming to my house, so I just answered.
“Oh, nothing much,” I said, sighing. “Still procrastinating about getting my things ready for college.”
It had been three weeks since our little barbecue with Bradley and Grace and I didn't feel any better. In fact, I was starting to feel progressively worse. I had little to no energy. I barely wanted to eat anything and, if I did eat, I would puke it back up. I pretty much stayed in my room all day and slept.
“Oh, heartbreak can really take it all out of you,” was all my dad would say.
For the most part, he acted unfazed by the fact that I rarely stepped foot out of my room. I think that that was his way of dealing with things. Or maybe he was just so busy that he didn't stop to really think about what was going on. Either way, I found myself home alone again because he had taken on another assignment from the Air Force.
“It's only a six day trip,” he told me, sitting on the end of my bed the day before he was leaving. I didn't have much to say, but wished him a safe trip. He paused before walking out of my room like he wanted to say something, but decided to keep it to himself.
I envied my father's way of being able to just put things out of his mind, like they weren't happening. Me, on the other hand, I was having the worse time trying to shake things off. Even though my dad just boiled everything down to this being a simple heartbreak, the fact that it had been over a month since things had happened and I still wasn't okay and it made me think that it was more than just a simple heartbreak. What else it might have been, I wasn't quite sure.
“Well you know that college is right around the corner,” said Grace. I had almost forgotten that I was still the phone with her.
“Yes, I know,” I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm. “It’s why I'm saying that I'm procrastinating. As a matter of fact, I need to get back to procrastinating and take a nap. I'm exhausted.”
“Okay,” said Grace reluctantly.
I hung up the phone and buried myself underneath the pile of blankets that were on my bed.
The warmth hugged me tightly and made me drift off to sleep easily.
I dreamed about bunnies. There were tons of bunnies everywhere, hoping all around my bed. It was strange but, at the same time, I was drawn in by their cuteness. In my dream, I crept over to the end of the bed and looked down at them. They were in a straight line hopping in unison. Each one that passed me looked up, smiled, and said hello.
My dream was interrupted by a loud knock on the door. My eyes popped open and it took me a minute to realize that someone had been knocking at the door. I crawled out of bed and dragged myself to the door.
It was Grace, standing there with two bags on her arms.
“Did someone order a best friend?” she said cheerfully. I groaned at her bad attempt at a joke.
“Hi, Grace,” I said flatly, moving out of the way so that she could come into the house.
“Well, it's nice to see you, too,” she said, walking into the kitchen and setting the bags on the counter. “I come bearing gifts.”
She pulled out a brown paper bag that smelled wonderful. It was Chinese food from Great Wok, our favorite Chinese restaurant.
“Mmm,” I said, pulling the bag close and inhaling deeply.
“And that's not all,” she said, reaching into another bag and pulling out a carton of ice cream. I squealed excitedly. I had just finished off the last of the carton that I had bought yesterday and had started a grocery list, putting ice cream on the list as the only item. I tore the list off of the fridge and threw it in the garbage.
“Wow! You must be psychic! I was starving and you have food. I just finished off the last of my ice cream and hear you are with that.”
I ran over and gave her a gracious squeeze. I loved Grace so much for always being the friend that I needed.
“You're welcome,” she said, turning toward another bag. “I've got one more thing.”
She pulled out a box of pregnancy tests.
“You really are psychic,” I whispered, almost not believing my eyes. I had been wondering earlier if the heartbreak that I was struggling to get over might have been something more than what I thought. I knew that I needed to take a test to see what it really was, but I was mostly scared to face the truth.
“Are you going to take a test?” asked Grace, impatiently. Part of me was irritated by her question, but a larger part of me was grateful that she had gotten the test. I could know the truth. I decided to take the test right away. I needed to get past the uncertainty.
I took the box into the bathroom and read the directions. I needed to pee on the white stick at the end and sit it down and wait for a minute to read the results. If a blue line appeared, then that meant that the test was positive. This was all so weird and alien.
But I had never wanted to fail a test as badly as I did right then. I peed on the stick, sat it on the counter, and waited.
“Everything okay in there?” asked Grace, her voice muffled on the other side of the door.
“Yeah, I'm good,” I said, looking at myself in the mirror. I looked terrible. My hair looked like it hadn't been brushed in ages. I had huge bags under my eyes. But really, it was my eyes themselves. They looked so sad.
“Okay, cool. I'm here if you need me.” I knew that she was still standing on the other side of the door even though she didn't say anything. I look at the time and saw that a minute had gone by.
I walked over to the counter where the pregnancy test sat and looked down at it.
A solid blue line had appeared.
I was pregnant.
I leaned against the wall and sunk down to the floor. It felt like the world had stopped spinning. The reality of what had been happening with me began to sink in.
“You still okay?” asked Grace, knocking at the door again.
I stood up fast, swung the door open, and motioned for her to look at the test that was still sitting on the counter by the sink. She stared for a few minutes before turning around slowly to look at me.
“Oh, honey,” she said, coming close to hug me. She held me and rocked me. I didn't move. I felt frozen. I didn't know what to think or how to feel. I felt my life flashing before my eyes. Grace let me go and looked into my eyes. I'm not sure what she saw, but she turned me around and pushed me out of bathroom and down the hallway toward the kitchen.
“Let's eat,” she said, getting plates out of the cabinet and putting spoonfuls of chicken, broccoli, and fried rice on my plate. She pushed a plate in my direction. I started eating it absentmindedly.
We ate in silence. I was grateful that Grace wasn't forcing me to talk about anything or that she wasn't trying to fill the silence with mindless chatter as she sometimes did. She just let me sit there with my thoughts, trying to eat.
My mind churned. What was I going to do? How could I not have known? None of my friends had babies, so it wasn't like I could ask them. And if my dad found out...
My dad. How was he going to take the news? The more I thought about that, the sicker I started to feel. I made a beeline to the bathroom and barely made it to the toilet before spewing up the little bit of Chinese food that I'd managed to eat.
I wasn't quite sure if it was being pregnant or being nervous about the thought of telling my dad that was making me feel queasy. I splashed water on my face and slowly walked back out to the kitchen.
“Did you puke?” asked Grace, holding her fork in mid-air. I nodded. She made a sour face and put her fork down.
“Maybe I can manage some ice cream,” I said, half to Grace and half to no one.
“Good idea,” she said, rushing to the cabinet and pulling out a bowl.
She filled the bowl with mint chocolate chip ice cream and put it on the counter in front of me. I hesitantly licked some off of spoon that I was holding, waiting to see if I would start to feel nauseous again. The ice cream was delicious, soothing my belly. I ate the whole bowl greedily, licking my cold lips when I had finished.
“That was good,” I said, patting my belly.
“Good,” said Grace, smiling. “Let's go watch some movies and eat more ice cream.”
She walked over to the TV and started rummaging through our movie collection.
“Just whatever you do, please don't put on a romantic movie,” I said. That was the last thing I wanted to see, something that reminded me of the pain that my heart was in and the fact that it was even more complicated since I was pregnant.
“No problem,” she said, plucking a movie off of the shelf and popping it into the Blu-Ray player. I didn't bother asking her what the movie was because I knew that my mind would not be focused on it. It ended up being a scary movie, but I couldn't even remember what it was about.
I just kept thinking about the fact that I had a baby growing inside of my belly at that moment. While I was struggling to figure out how I was going to move past my heart being shattered to bits, a new life was beginning. It was so surreal. Grace sat next to me while the movie played, reaching over from time to time to rub my arm or squeeze my hand.
“What am I going to do?” I said, turning toward Grace.
“Honestly, Natalia, this is some heavy shit,” she said. She had a grave look on her face. I didn't know if that was fear from the movie or if she was scared for me. I was at a loss about what to do, so I wanted to see if she had some sort of Grace style super plan for this situation.
“Well, what would you do?” I asked her, curiously. She looked at me like she wanted to say something, but was nervous about saying it.
“Have an abortion,” she said.
The words landed like bricks. I leaned back on the couch and thought for a minute. Could I do that? It seemed like it would make things a lot easier in many ways. But I was certain I would feel guilty about it at some point.
“No. I want this baby,” I told her, shaking my head. “I would go crazy, regretting that I gave up a baby I wanted, a baby that I could keep and raise myself... ” I trailed off, overwhelmed with my hopes and fears, all colliding at once.
“So no a
doption either…” Grace paused. “Yeah, I totally get it,” she admitted.
“Okay, well, what else would you do?” I pressed on for her sage advice.
Grace stopped and gave it some thought, tapping her chin.
“In this scenario, I would tell the father,” she said. “That way, I wouldn't have to deal with it by myself and I could possibly get some support.”
I thought about that for a minute and quickly rejected that idea.
“No way,” I said, shaking my head profusely. “I couldn't tell Bradley about this. He already has been beating himself up about us having sex in the first place. If he finds out that there's a baby involved, he would tie himself up in knots about it. Plus, it's not like it would help our relationship. Telling him that I'm pregnant at this point would probably make him move to Alaska or something because he felt so guilty.”
I could see the look of horror on his face now as I told him that he was soon to become a father. I didn't think that I could stand to bear any more pain about it. I knew that I would have to keep the news to myself.
Chapter 36
Natalia
Grace got an angry look on her face, frowning and scrunching up her nose at me.
“You two idiots really deserve each other,” she said. “Why are you thinking about the pain that this would cause for Bradley instead of thinking about your own needs? Do you realize how hard it will be to raise a child on your own? And not just for you, for the baby! We grew up with both of our parents, Natalia. Have you seen the research on how hard it can be for children when they grow up without their fathers? Are you really willing to risk that? Or to take on the job of two parents if you don't have to?”
“Yeah, but I don't want to make things harder on Bradley. Plus, you forget that he's my dad's friend! I will not only be destroying his life, but also my dad's friendship with him. That's just too much!”
Grace growled, frustrated.
“Be reasonable, Natalia,” she said, tapping me on the forehead with the tip of her index finger. “You cannot go through this pregnancy alone and raise this baby by yourself. You don't know the first thing about being a mother. I think you just aren't thinking this through. But, I also know that trying to get through to you right now is useless. So, whatever you decide to do, you have my full support.”