by Jamie Knight
“Yeah, I wasn't too sure what I was going to do,” said Bradley, who, from my peripheral vision, I could see looking at the counter nervously. “I didn't want to intrude on your family holiday, but when you told me that you were probably going to spend the holiday alone, I figured that it would be a good idea to stop by. There's no sense in both of us spending the holiday alone. But, it looks like you have Natalia home with you.”
“I wasn't sure if she was coming, either,” said my dad, looking between Bradley and I, a slight look of confusion on his face. “But, it all worked out. I feel like even though it's a small dinner, the people who matter to me most are all here.”
My dad beamed as he looked at us. It warmed my heart to see him so happy.
“I was just watching the game,” said my dad. “Let's grab a few beers and head back into the living room so that we can give Natalia here enough space to work her magic in the kitchen.”
Bradley sniffed, closing his eyes as he inhaled.
“It already smells great in here,” he said warmly, smiling at me.
“Thanks,” I said, still not looking up at him. I could feel him staring at me, his eyes like hot missiles burning my skin.
“Could you use a hand?” asked Bradley, softening his voice a bit. His tone took on such a silky quality, I could feel the blood rising to my face and the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. The last thing that I wanted was to be left alone with Bradley, especially when I was trying to get away from him as soon as possible so that he wouldn't notice my belly and start asking questions.
“Uh, no, that's okay,” I said quickly, my voice cracking. “I wouldn't want you to miss the big game... ” I attempted a chuckle, fruitlessly.
I tried to sound easygoing and pleasant, hoping that my dad wouldn't notice the unease in my voice, but the look that he gave me, raising one of his eyebrows questioningly, made me think that he was starting to get a weird vibe.
My dad hesitated for a moment, looking at me as I kneaded the dough, and then walked over to the pantry and pulled out a six-pack of beers.
“Nothing cold, old man?” asked Bradley, joking with my father. He laughed and shook his head.
“No, I already polished off the ones in the fridge,” he said.
They walked off toward the living room, laughing and joking about beer. I stood there, a smile plastered on my face as they left the room. I willed myself to keep looking at the dough, my hands working overtime turning it over and over on the counter. I knew that it was overworked and I would need to throw it away, but I waited until they left the room before I did. As soon as I was sure that they were back in the living room and engrossed in their football game, I tossed the dough in the garbage.
For some reason, the idea that I had ruined the pie-crust seemed unbearable and made me want to cry. The tears started welling up behind my eyes and, before I could stop them, they were spilling down my cheeks. I ran into the bathroom as fast as my legs would carry me.
Once in the bathroom, I locked the door and sat down on the toilet. I cried and cried. Hot tears streaked down my face as I cried. I cried for a good while, until I didn't feel like crying anymore. When my cries had quieted to dry sobs, I stood in front of the sink, turned on the cold water, and started splashing it on my face. Each handful felt amazing, the cool water cascading down my face, soothing my swollen eyes and runny nose. When I was sure that I had gotten myself together, I opened the bathroom door and headed back toward the kitchen.
I literally ran right into Bradley as soon as I opened the bathroom door. I almost fell on the ground, but he caught me in his arms. His arms were around my belly. He paused, a look of confusion on his face as he mumbled out some sort of an apology. I quickly gained my composure, righting myself so that I could stand up. I took a few steps away from him, pulling my sweatshirt down over my belly and trying to push past him. He put his hand out against my shoulder, stopping me from walking.
“Whoa, hang on,” he said. “How are you doing?”
He looked into my eyes, a look of real concern etched on his face.
“Fine, “ I said, shifting back and forth, itching to get away from him as soon as possible. I tried pushing past him and he held me there by my arm. His warm hands on my skin felt so strange. But, at the same time, there was something electric and comforting about his touch.
“You know, I can't tell you enough how sorry I am that things went the way that they did with us,” he said quietly, craning his neck to look around the corner to see if my dad was nearby. “I know that you are moving on with your life. I'm glad that you are doing so well. But, I also know how hard it can be living on your own. It's always good to have as many people in your corner as you can. I wish that there was a way we could be friends like we used to be. For both our sakes. And James's.”
I wasn't quite sure what he had expected me to say. There was so much that I wished that I could say. But, I chose to keep quiet instead. I crossed my arms and sniffed, staring at him in a way that made it clear that I wasn't really interesting in anything that he had to say. He looked at me hopefully for a few more moments before stepping aside and letting me breeze past him.
I looked back over my shoulder and caught a glimpse of his shoulders hanging low in defeat.
I was just glad that I had gotten away from him.
Chapter 41
Bradley
The scraping of forks against the plates was all that could be heard in the dining room while we ate dinner. James tried to make light conversation but was only met with one-word answers. Natalia stared at her plate, pushing the food around listlessly. My heart was beating fast as I felt the tension build with each passing second.
James had a look on his face that made me shift uncomfortably in my seat. His eyes were focused on Natalia. He barely ate. I wished that I could get her attention somehow, to let her know that she was dangerously close to letting the cat out of the bag.
This was it, I thought. I knew that there was no way to prepare myself for what was about to happen. I swallowed hard and held my breath.
James threw down his fork, making a loud clanking sound against the table.
“What's going on here?” he demanded. I knew it. My palms sweated as I struggled to find some sort of explanation. I opened my mouth, but no words came out.
“Nothing, Dad,” said Natalia softly, her eyes brimming with tears.
It was then that I realized that he hadn't even been talking to me. He was completely focused on Natalia. I just happened to be sitting at the table. I leaned back in my chair, overcome with relief that I hadn't blurted something out that could have made things worse.
The look on his face that I assumed was anger was actually concern, a kind of sadness mixed with pain. He was a father worried about the wellbeing of his daughter and that was it. It had nothing to do with me.
“Well?” asked James, motioning toward Natalia and her still full plate that she hadn't even taken one bite from. “You haven't eaten any of your food. You look a lot better than the last time that I saw you, but there's something about you that seems... off. What's going on? You're among family here. We care about you. If there's something going on— ”
“It's really nothing,” she said, her voice taking on a nervous, high-pitched quality. “I'm just really tired from school. It's all new and it's a lot to adjust to.”
“See, this is why you should come home. I knew that all of this would be a lot to deal with. Just come home, honey, and you can stay here while you adjust to school.”
Natalia shook her head, pushing her plate away from her.
“No, dad. I know that you care about me, but this is something that I need to do right now. I can't really explain it right now.”
I took a closer look at Natalia and noticed that, while her cheeks were more rounded, she had dark purple circles under her eyes. She looked like she hadn't slept in months. She really did look worn out.
“Well, it's your life and your choice,” he said, rub
bing his neck in frustration. “I just wish that you would come home. What about just for Christmas break? Two weeks. School will be out, anyway, and you can just come home and relax. It would put my mind at ease. What do you say?”
We both sat there eagerly waiting for her answer. She stared at the table, considering her father's words. Please say yes, I thought to myself, but didn't speak out loud.
“I guess that might be okay,” she finally said after a few minutes.
“Great,” said James, letting out a loud sigh while wiping his brow comically. “I thought I was going to have to hog-tie you to get you come back home. I like this option better.”
Natalia stuck her tongue out at her father, teasingly. I tried to hide my smile at watching their silly interaction. You could tell that they truly loved each other. I felt honored to be able to witness it firsthand.
But, I understood how James felt to some extent. When she agreed to come home for Christmas break, I felt a huge sense of relief, too. I knew that I had no right to be as concerned about Natalia as I felt, but that didn't stop me from feeling concerned, anyway. There were plenty of times when I had to stop myself from jumping in my car and creeping into her parking lot so that I could spy on her and make sure that she was okay. But, seeing her look so worn out and tired made me worry about her even more, now. She deserved some time to relax and rest. Hopefully, having two weeks off and spending it with her father would be just what she needed to get away.
“Should I be expecting you to bring a boy along, maybe a boyfriend or someone that you've been seeing?” her father asked between bites of food.
The room fell so silent you could hear a pin drop. I stared intently at Natalia, waiting to see how she would answer. I didn't want to make it so obvious that I was curious about the answer, too, but after seeing her with that guy outside of her apartment, I couldn't help it. If there was a guy that she was seeing, she had every right to bring him home to meet her father. She deserved to be happy with someone that was more appropriate for her age.
But, deep down, there was a part of me that felt sad. I wished that I could have been the one that she was bringing home to meet her father. But, I also knew that that would have been impossible. In fact, my sitting there at the dinner table was probably crossing all kinds of lines that shouldn't have been crossed and yet, there I sat.
I stared down at the table and tried to control my breathing as I waited for her answer.
“No, there's no boyfriend,” she said matter-of-factly.
“Because if there is, it's alright,” said James eagerly. “I don't want you to think that just because you're seeing someone that they wouldn't be welcomed in our home.”
Natalia's eyes locked onto mine. I looked back at her and couldn't look away.
“No, dad, there's no guy,” she said. “But, if there was a guy worth mentioning, you would be the first to know.”
She smiled smugly in my direction. I looked away, somewhat startled that she had been so forward with her last statement. I hoped that her father hadn't picked up on it.
“Good,” he said, blissfully unaware of what was happening at the dinner table right in front of him.
I hoped that it stayed that way.
Chapter 44
Natalia
I was so disappointed in myself for not telling my dad about the babies at Thanksgiving. I had walked in, ready to spill the beans. But, as soon as I saw Bradley, I clammed up. I knew that it wasn't the right time to tell my dad with Bradley there, especially since he didn't know that he was the father. But, I wished that I had at least been able to tell my dad.
I looked down at my round belly and sighed. I felt one of the babies kick and, instead of feeling joy, I felt a twinge of sadness. I was twenty weeks pregnant and it was becoming harder to hide the fact that I had two growing twins inside of me. I had already agreed to go home for Christmas break, but I had already gotten a lot bigger in just the few weeks that had passed since Thanksgiving. Seeing how big I had gotten made me think that going home for Christmas probably wasn't such a good idea.
Just as I was trying to figure out how to get out of going home, my phone rang. It was my dad.
“Hey, sweetheart, how are you?” he asked, excitedly.
“I'm doing really well,” I said. “How's everything with you?”
“Great,” he said. “I'm really excited about seeing you for Christmas break.”
“About that...” I began. I could hear him groan on the other end of the phone.
“Don't tell me that you've changed your mind,” he said, sounding a little irritated.
I didn't want to upset him, but I wasn't sure that I was ready to talk to him about the babies just yet. Honestly, it wasn't facing my dad that I was all that concerned about. It was the idea of having to face both him and Bradley at the same time, especially since I hadn't even thought about how things would work long term. My mind worked fast to come up with a lie to get me out of going home.
“Grace and I were talking about heading to Mexico for the break,” I said quickly. “A bunch of our friends are going. I know that you wanted me to come home, but I figured that going to Mexico for a vacation would be amazing. I haven't been since I was little. It would be a great way to unwind and relax.”
I held my breath and waited for him to respond.
“Well, it's your life and you can do whatever you want. It's just... I was supposed to go away for a while, but I fought really hard to make sure that I didn't have to. And after several weeks of going back and forth with my commanding officer, he finally agreed to give me a few days to spend with you. I was really excited about spending that time with you. But, I guess I can just find something to do around here...”
My dad's voice sounded so sad, it nearly broke my heart. I didn't want my dad to be disappointed. And I really didn't want him to be sitting home, all alone, on a holiday that was meant to be shared with people you loved. I was the only family that my dad had nearby, so I quickly realized I owed it to him to come home for Christmas.
“You know what? That's okay. I'm coming home.”
“Are you sure? I mean, if you really want to go to Mexico, I would understand.”
I knew that my dad would understand and would probably be okay, but I wasn’t going to let him down. I had already given my word and he had made the arrangements. I started trying to think back on a time when he had fought so hard. He loved his job in the Air Force and whenever they would say that he had an assignment, it never mattered. He would be there, always very apologetic to my mother and I.
I remember a time that he missed my birthday party after planning it with me. I asked my mother where he had gone and she just patted my hand and apologized for him.
“I’m sorry, he had to work, honey. We hope you understand.”
I hadn't understood. I was so devastated, I cancelled my party and spent the night crying over mint chocolate chip ice cream.
So, I knew how big of a deal it was that he had fought to have the time off.
“I'm coming home, dad,” I said. “Will it be just you and I or will Bradley be joining us?”
I winced, hoping that he didn't notice the eager curiosity in my voice that I hadn't done a very good job of hiding.
“No, he says that he's going to be going home to visit his family in Tennessee for the holiday,” he said. “I told him that if he has the chance to visit his family, he should do it. Life is too short.”
“You're so right,” I said, fully agreeing with him.
Hearing that he wasn't going to pop up at our family dinner was a huge relief. This way, I could comfortably tell my dad about the babies without having to deal with Bradley right then and there. I was sure that my dad would tell him, anyway, but it would buy me some time to at least figure out a plan and let my dad adjust to the idea that he was about to become a grandfather.
I had given a little more thought on how I would handle Bradley in the weeks since Thanksgiving. If he did put two and two togeth
er and realize that he was the father of my babies, I would just put his mind at ease and let him know that I didn't expect anything from him. I had already decided that I would raise the babies on my own.
I would also tell him that I wasn't going to come between his and my father's friendship. I knew that it meant a lot to both him and my father. I would never want to be the reason why they were no longer close, even if that meant that things would be harder for me.
Part of me wished that, once he knew he was having his children, he would stand up and fight to be with me, that he would admit he really loved me and ask me to be his wife. That would make me so happy, like I could truly have my happy ending. But, I would only want that to happen if he loved me, not out of some sense of doing the right thing.
I didn't want him to feel trapped in any way. That was why I wanted to make it clear that he could walk away without any type of guilt or shame, if that's what he chose to do. But, in my mind, I knew that it was all wishful thinking on my part.
On the last day of the semester, I said my goodbyes to everyone and headed home to start packing. It didn't take me long to throw a few things into two suitcase, load it up in my car, and head toward my old house. I had a few gifts that I found for my dad and brought them along, too. I wrapped them in hopes that they would help me to feel more festive than I had been feeling.
I felt like I should have been happy to be going home because I definitely missed being there and waking up, seeing my dad almost every day. But I couldn't shake this strong feeling that I was heading into a disaster. Instead of feeling like I was going home for the most wonderful time of the year, I had this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach like I was going to a funeral. I chalked it up to hormones.
As soon I pulled into the driveway, my dad appeared at the door. His smile was so bright, I could see it clearly from my car.