ALL. Aye.
SUE. Three billion! Three billion, they’re promising to the education system, just imagine the possibilities! With those sorts of resources it’s only a matter of time before holistic teaching makes its way into the mainstream.
PAUL. Nobody’s interested in your hippy-dippy bollocks, Sue.
SUE. Did somebody wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?
PAUL. Far from it.
LOUISE. Shut up and make the tea.
PAUL. Fine.
TIM lowers his newspaper.
TIM. Hey, guys.
ALL. Where did you come from? (Etc.)
TIM. Says here’s we’re going to get the euro by 2001. They’re saying a European superstate by 2050.
Everyone groans.
SUE. It’s a rag, Tim, put it down.
TIM. Fine, but whilst I’ve got your attention, I’ve got four words for you: Pub. Tonight. Happy. Hour. Who’s with me?
ALL. Errr…
TIM. I’ll get the New Labour lager-and-limes in!
More murmurs, even less sure.
I’ll take that as a maybe.
PAUL. Hugh, can I have a word?
HUGH. Of course.
PAUL. It’s about PSHE.
HUGH. Right.
PAUL. Our resources are a joke. How can I be expected to teach our kids about the importance of citizenship with two drawers of felt tips and some textbooks from ’83?
HUGH. Come to my office on Monday and we can talk about it.
The rest of the TEACHERS laugh.
PAUL. Meadowfields are about to get internet access, four Acorn computers. The kids treat it as a piss-take and quite frankly I don’t blame them.
HUGH. Paul, I appreciate your concern, I really do. But today is a big day for all of us, so let’s put it to one side and pour all our energy into making this assembly the best that it can be.
Mug clinks.
PAUL. We’re nearly in special measures, Hugh. Don’t you think you’ve got bigger priorities than writing out one hundred and eighty-three personalised messages for Achievement Assembly?
HUGH. You can’t put a price on the human touch, Paul. Did you have Peperami for breakfast?
PAUL. Fuck’s sake.
TIM. Paul, do you fancy pub tonight, / happy hour?
PAUL. Absolutely not, Pashers.
LOUISE. Hugh, shouldn’t we…?
HUGH. Ah yes, gather round everyone, gather round.
TOBIAS enters.
TOBIAS. Sorry I’m late.
HUGH. Good morning, Tobias!
DONNA. Who’s this?
HUGH. This is Tobias. He’s our new German placement. He’ll be assisting with foreign languages. Let’s give him a great big Wordsworth Comp Guten Tag! One, two, three…
ALL. Guten Tag.
TOBIAS. Thank you.
HUGH. Donna, this is a teacher’s briefing.
DONNA. Yes.
HUGH. You’re a receptionist.
DONNA. Yes.
HUGH. So shouldn’t you be on reception?
DONNA. Yes.
DONNA leaves.
HUGH. Strange woman. Anyway, we’re slightly behind so I’ll be brief. It’s Friday, 2nd May, 1997 – (Checks watch.) 8.35 a.m. The observant amongst you will notice that we are now living under a New Labour Government.
The TEACHERS cheer.
But we must remember to remain completely politically impartial in all of our classes.
ALL. Awww…
HUGH. Having said that, we did win Eurovision.
The TEACHERS cheer.
So you can speak about that as much as you wish.
The TEACHERS cheer even louder.
Now, down to the nitty gritty. Point one, Claire is away P1. She’s got a dental appointment for her abscess so we will be needing cover for her French lesson.
LOUISE. Tim?
TIM. Bonjour.
HUGH. Great. Point two. We have introduced some new produce to our lunchtime offering including turkey twizzlers and smiling potato faces. As such, we are expecting a very grand surge in the lunch hall and will be needing some extra teacher support for that.
Everyone keeps their head down.
Sue – how about you?
SUE. Oh, yes yes okay.
HUGH. Great. Point three. As you are all aware, it is the final day of school for our Year 11s before they head off into the mist of study leave. As such, we are expecting a little bit of horseplay and tomfoolery from them on account of their excitement.
LOUISE. Let’s not dilute the situation, Mr Mills. It’s muck-up day and things are going to get nasty unless we head out into those corridors all guns blazing. At the first sign of bad behaviour: BAM!!
LOUISE throws down an imaginary bomb.
Shut them down. This is not the day to sit back and call the naughty kids secret saints. It’s us versus them in a very real way and we need to be on the winning team.
PAUL. We don’t need any more cars hoisted on top of the science block.
HUGH laughs.
HUGH. What a fantastic feat of engineering that was. And finally I would like to hand over to Sue as Head of Year 11 to talk us through this afternoon’s proceedings.
SUE. Thank you, Hugh. That’s right, everybody, the big day has arrived! That special time of year when we celebrate the myriad accomplishments of our Year 11s. Leavers’ Assembly will be at 3 p.m., and we are expecting a number of parents and governors. Now as usual I’ll be in charge of coordinating decor and there is plenty to do – check the noticeboards for your various jobs. I hope you all have your costumes ready. And remember, this year’s theme is Cool Britannia, so have fun, be proud and go wild!
The bell goes. ‘Ride on Time’ by Black Box plays.
HUGH. Thank you, Sue. Today, your country has decided to invest in you, yes you, Timothy Pashley, you, Sue Belltop-Doyle, you, Louise Turner, you, Paul McIntyre, and you, Tobias. They have voted for Education Education Education. Now remember Mills’ thought for the day: do not wait till it’s too late, you are the DJ of your fate!
The TEACHERS do a synchronised dance. It is as if it is part of their daily routine. Each of the TEACHERS has a different attitude towards the dance.
Have a fantastic day, everyone!
4.
A classroom.
PAUL. Thank you, 10M! For those of you coming on the York trip on Monday, remember the coach will be leaving at eight fifteen sharp. That’s eight fifteen, in the bus bay. You’ll need sensible shoes and waterproofs, I’m looking at you, Susie. We’re going to Yorkshire not Lanzarote.
EMILY lingers by PAUL’s desk, he’s marking.
EMILY. Sir?
PAUL holds up a finger and carries on marking.
PAUL. One minute, Emily.
EMILY. Sir, I just wanted to ask –
PAUL. One minute, Emily.
EMILY. Sir, I’m going to be late –
PAUL. Yes, what is it?
EMILY. I just wondered, have you decided if I can go on the York trip?
PAUL. Right. First of all I want to commend you on your behaviour this week, you’ve done really well and I’ve been impressed.
EMILY. Thanks, sir. I’ve actually been doing some research about York on Encarta, it’s where Guy Fawkes was born – did you know that?
PAUL. Yes, Emily, I went to university there.
EMILY. Yeah, yeah, that’s the other thing, I looked it up and it said that the university is really good and I’ve been thinking about that more recently –
PAUL. Yes, it is a good university, especially for history. But the trip is oversubscribed so I’m sorry, but you won’t be able to come.
EMILY. What? But I got my slip in first and I got my money in on time. I’ve done everything you asked me to do. You said that I had to be on time to tutor every morning this week and I have been, haven’t I?
PAUL. You have.
EMILY. Which means I had to get the 76 not the 72 which gets in twenty-three minutes earlier plus it only
stops on Cromwell Road which means that I had to do my paper round at seven, my alarm goes off at six, I miss all of The Big Breakfast and I arrive at school and I’m starving.
PAUL. Emily, get to the point.
EMILY. And you said I wasn’t allowed to call out in class, so in English I knew it was a sonnet that Romeo and Juliet share when they first meet but I couldn’t say anything cos Dan Ashworth had his hand up first, and he kept calling it a ‘bonnet’ and he kept saying it over again cos he’s a total div, everyone knows he should be in bottom set but his mum’s on the Governors’ –
PAUL. Emily.
EMILY. Yeah but I didn’t call out, like you told me. And you said that my coursework had to be perfect, so I wrote it out twice cos my fountain pen leaked all over my bag and I even did section D on vaccinations and Edward Jenner with a colour-coded key and you still won’t let me go on this fucking history trip –
PAUL. Did you just swear?
EMILY. I don’t care.
PAUL. Stop mumbling.
EMILY. I don’t even care.
PAUL. You ‘don’t even care’? You could at least speak properly –
EMILY. I am speaking properly. I did everything you asked me to do this week.
PAUL. Yes. You did this week but what about last week? In fact, what about the last four years I’ve had the unmitigated pleasure of being your tutor. What about skipping lessons –
EMILY. Only RS, I was on the blob.
PAUL. Thank you. Locking Mr Pashley in a cupboard –
EMILY. It was just a joke.
PAUL. Throwing things, flashing –
EMILY. Yeah alright.
PAUL. Never wearing the correct uniform, trainers, still, arson –
EMILY. It was just a bunsen burner.
PAUL. Sarah Kendall’s eyebrows still haven’t grown back.
EMILY. She deserved it. She’s a munter anyway.
PAUL. Vulgar language, vandalism, covering the whiteboard in chewing gum –
EMILY. That wasn’t just me.
PAUL. Listening to your Walkman in my class. The list goes on and on.
EMILY. Please, Mr McIntyre, I never get to go anywhere. Everyone else is going and I really, really want to go.
PAUL. The decision’s been made.
EMILY. Can’t you just chuck someone else off?
PAUL. Would it be fair to deny another student a chance to go on this trip? Given your track record?
EMILY. This is bullshit. You’ve never liked me, you’re such a dick.
PAUL. What was that?
You can collect your deposit from the bursar at the end of the day.
Don’t slam the door.
EMILY exits, slamming the door as she goes. The bell goes between tutor group and first lesson. A number of STUDENTS cross the stage.
5.
The corridor.
HUGH. Take a breath with me, Tobias.
HUGH and TOBIAS breathe in together.
Take it in. This time of day. As the young adults make their way to their first lessons. Isn’t it glorious? So much potential in these corridors. Watch out!
HUGH and TOBIAS part as the BASKETBALL TEAM passes between them. ‘The Beat Goes On’ by The All Seeing I starts playing.
Ah, Tobias, meet our basketball team. They will be competing in the county B League later this term.
The BASKETBALL TEAM jump round.
Ah, meet Ben Vardy, the finest basketball player in the school.
BEN. Thank you, sir.
HUGH. Shouldn’t be playing in the corridors though, should you, Ben?
BEN. No, sorry, sir.
The BASKETBALL TEAM exit.
HUGH. Ah, the humanities block, a place where the human being takes centre stage in a glorious gazpacho of inquisitiveness. This is where the great thinkers of tomorrow are born, today.
HUGH opens a door.
Geography!
‘Around the World’ by Daft Punk plays.
Where sweet streams of knowledge become cascading waterfalls of experience.
HUGH opens another door.
Religion!
‘Time to Say Goodbye’ by Sarah Brightman and Andrea Bocelli plays.
I’ve been at this school a long time, Tobias, and I won’t deny we’ve seen some good times and bad. Our latest Ofsted report leaves a lot to be desired, but our community remains as vibrant as ever. I’ve seen teachers, doctors, mechanics and everything in between pass through these corridors.
The music stops.
Kerry, what are those things on your arms?
KERRY. Shag bands, sir.
HUGH. Shag bands, eh? And what are they for?
KERRY. If a boy rips one off your arm it means you have to shag him.
HUGH. Hahaha, disgusting! Take them off!
HUGH and TOBIAS walk again. The intro to ‘Let Me Entertain You’ by Robbie Williams plays.
Walk with me. Behind every door lies a new adventure! And here we have the real beating heart of the school. The arts! Sweet singing! The tapping of feet! Colour! Emotion!
The STUDENTS dance forward.
TOBIAS. Why are they all in temporary cabins?
HUGH. These puppies are far from temporary, Tobias. They have been here for the last twenty years.
Now come on! Let me entertain you.
This is the place where personalities grow, character is formed and true colours show!
HUGH opens a door.
Maths!
‘Pocket Calculator’ by Kraftwerk plays. HUGH opens another door.
Chemistry!
‘2 Become 1’ by The Spice Girls plays. HUGH opens another door.
Design and Technology!
‘Torn’ by Natalie Imbruglia plays.
What a wonderful place to beeeee!!!
TOBIAS. Can we pause here a second?
Music cuts. Everyone freezes.
Thanks. I’m sorry to be the party pooper but I fear you may be getting a slightly skewed impression of the school here. I admire Mr Mills’ passion but the reality of the situation just doesn’t match up with his enthusiasm. (To cast members onstage.) Excuse me could you duck down a minute? Thank you. The facilities here leave a lot to be desired. Tiles are falling off the roof. Grass is creeping through the bricks. The textbooks are at least fifteen years old… (To cast members onstage.) Actually could you move back, I feel sorry for these people. Thank you.
The environment here is perhaps reflected in the chaotic nature of the people here. You can say a lot with buildings, I think. (To audience member.) Excuse me, have you been to Disneyland? Did you see the Magic Kingdom? I have. It makes you feel like a child again, trust me. In Germany, the chamber of our parliament, the Reichstag, is set out in a circular way. They’re building a modern glass dome through the middle of the old building, so there’s an awareness of history there whilst also looking to the future, I guess. The public will be able to walk in the dome so the Government will look up at the people that they serve.
I think your Government is hidden away in an old building with no windows and they’re made to sit opposite each other. How does that make them feel?
Okay well I think that’s all I have to say right now. Perhaps we should continue.
Back to reality.
PAUL. DON’T SLAM THE DOOR!
EMILY slams the door and runs past HUGH.
HUGH. Whoa there, Michael Schumacher, slow down! Tobias, allow me to introduce you to –
EMILY. NOT NOW.
EMILY runs off.
HUGH. That’s Emily Greenslade, one of our more boisterous students. Now I hope you have enjoyed the tour, Tobias, but I must get on! Welcome to the team!
6.
A classroom.
TIM. Bonjour, Year 7. Je m’appelle Monsieur Pashley, and je suis going to be covering your French lesson today. As you may have noticed, I am not in fact Madame Hicks, as she is away getting her abscess sorted. However she has left plenty of work for you all to be getting on with, which is page 156 of your t
extbooks, exercises 5b, 5c and 5d.
However, please do not ask me any questions about la language de Français, as despite the fact that I have been on twelve ski trips to France, in that entire time, I have needed to use a grand total of zero words of la language Français, and that’s because English is the international language of the world. Wherever you go you’ll always find someone who speaks English –
An electronic beep.
I mean it’s polite to learn the basics, the bonjours, the je m’appelles / but learning the whole
An electronic beep.
Okay what was that? Is someone here playing a computer game, because we all like computer games, don’t we, but we’re not allowed them / in school so if
An electronic beep.
Right you, what’s your name?
TOM BRENNAN. Tom Brennan, sir.
TIM. Right well, Tom, hand it over. What is it?
TOM BRENNAN. Please don’t kill it, sir.
TIM. I won’t kill it, just tell me what it is.
TOM BRENNAN. It’s a Tamagotchi, sir.
TIM. What is that?
TOM BRENNAN. A Tamagotchi, it’s a virtual pet, sir.
TIM. Okay well, you’re not allowed those in school. Hand it over. Hand it. over. Now, Tom!
TOM BRENNAN hands the Tamagotchi to TIM.
Right, thank you. You can get it back off me at the end of school. Right then everyone, page 156 of your textbooks, 5b, 5c, 5d. You all get on with your work, and I’ll get on with mine.
The Tamagotchi beeps. TIM gets the Tamagotchi out of his pocket, frowns, then smiles.
Wow.
7.
We are transported back to Medieval England.
GUINEVERE. Oh Lancelot, what a wonderful evening.
LANCELOT. The summer light shines through the old oak trees.
GUINEVERE. Oh look at those birds nesting up there.
LANCELOT. Guinevere, I’ve never felt this way before.
GUINEVERE. I feel it too.
LANCELOT. Guinevere, look at me.
GUINEVERE. But what about Arthur?
LANCELOT. Do not say that name in here! Look at me!
GUINEVERE turns to LANCELOT.
GUINEVERE. Oh Lancelot.
LANCELOT. Kiss me.
GUINEVERE. I want to.
In another part of the castle, ARTHUR and GARETH enter.
Education, Education, Education Page 2