The Blake Soul

by I C Camilleri

  He looked around the living room. It was familiar to him, having seen it when he had been spying on her. He had never seen the photo in the hallway because that bit was not under surveillance. Moreover, he had never made the connection between the man in his dreams and her father because he did not look like Maria, in fact they were extreme opposites; she was short with curly brown hair, and he was tall and huge with black straight hair. But she did have his eyes.

  He remembered what Rob had said, about her father not approving of him, and he had to admit that he was absolutely right. Josh was any father’s worst nightmare. So why was this father invading his dreams? If he had not dreamt about that park he would never have gone there. Their paths shouldn’t have crossed. Perhaps her dad just nudged him in that direction to save his daughter’s life. But why choose him and not someone less wild? And now that the park incident was over and Maria was safe again, Rob must be her father’s first choice. So what did he want from him now and why was he showing him snippets of his life with her? Her father’s presence in some of his dreams was not just a coincidence.

  “Did your father ever go to the States?” he asked her when she emerged from her shower. She was wearing a skimpy see-through dress that could only mean one thing, but he tried to focus on his problems, his dreams and the tall dark-haired man. He had to get to the bottom of this.

  “He lived there with my mum and brother for six months way back when my mum was pregnant with me. He was doing some research on some really gifted people, but mum hated living in the States and wanted to come closer to home, so they settled here. At least Sicily is only three hours away by plane.”

  That must have been twenty-four years ago. Then a clear memory of a kindly young psychiatrist talking to the five-year-old Josh on a weekly basis sprang to mind. He had liked this man and their long mature discussions. That was it. He must have dragged the image from his five-year-old mind and applied it to his dreams. There was only one snag in this theory, the man in his dreams was the older version as seen in the photo, and not the younger doctor talking to the young Josh.

  “I knew your father. I was one of the gifted children he researched. He phoned Julie and told her that the school had asked him to review me. I was five at the time and had probably read more books than an average teenager. I still remember those weekly visits. He was someone I used to enjoy talking to and he was the only person who actually understood me. I trusted him with all my secrets, just as I have trusted you. We talked about my parents, about life and destiny. He wanted to know all about my thoughts and dreams.” Josh stopped. He was unlocking that dusty forgotten room now and all his memories came pouring out. This will not help with his sanity.

  “I would go round to his house and after the sessions were over I would often play with your brother who is probably a year or two older than I am. I still remember him. He was not intimidated by my memory and he was never nasty about it. He was this huge friendly boy with a loud bellowing laugh.”

  “He still is exactly the same. He is the happiest and kindest person I know. But you’ll soon see for yourself when you meet him. He won’t believe this. I’m sure that he has not made the connection between that gifted boy and you...though my father must have. Max told me that it was dad who kept badgering him to send you his book. This is unbelievable. Tell me more.”

  “One day your father took us to this really windy beach and we spent hours flying your brother’s wonderful kite. I can still remember the picnic lunch your mother prepared. She gave me the largest piece of her home-baked pizza. I was surprised because Freddie always got the bigger slice of anything when I visited my aunt every Sunday and I expected your parents to do the same to their son. But they didn’t. They gave it to me, and your brother didn’t resent it. That simple gesture was very important to me as a child. Being second best was something I had to live with... But, of course, I had told your dad about those feelings and he did his best to make me feel on top of someone’s pile, at least for that one day.” Josh wiped a stray tear.

  “You were on top of Julie’s pile.”

  “No I wasn’t. If she could turn back time, the first thing she would do is to annul her daughter’s accident. And where would that leave me? My mum would have killed me when I was just a few cells in her womb. The truth is Maria, that if Julie could, she would swap her present life with me for her previous life with her daughter without any hesitation whatsoever… But that’s unfair. I have received nothing but love from her.” Josh buried his face in his hands. Why was he so bitter towards life? He shouldn’t have said that about his adopted mother. But when he was a child he had overheard his Aunt May whisper those very words to his uncle so many times that he had started to believe them. He shook his head and brought his thoughts back to that day on the beach. “Your mother looked like you, she had your face and same curly hair but she had deep blue eyes and she...she was pregnant with you.”

  Josh stopped abruptly as he remembered...

  ....The five-year-old Josh brushed his hand against the kind woman’s big belly and he burst out crying. The psychiatrist took his hand and walked with him to the edge of the seashore, away from his pregnant wife and son. He sank on one knee.

  “What did you see, Josh? Why are you crying?”

  “There’s this fountain in this park where a beautiful woman is sleeping on a bench. Three men take her bag. She tries to stop them but they bash her head against a tree and drag her deep in the heart of the park. They break her arms to stop her from fighting them off and then they do things to her as they cheer each other on. They eventually leave. She gasps and closes her eyes. The wound on her forehead keeps bleeding. There is blood everywhere....” The boy was shaking with fear, and on that day his irrational phobia for bleeding wounds was born.

  Josh started to feel sick. He was sweating profusely.

  “Josh, are you all right?” Maria was saying, but her voice was distant and he could not focus on her face. He stood up and walked across the room, turning his back on her.

  The five-year-old Josh continued to sob as he told the psychiatrist all about the room with the dead bodies, the morgue, where this man cried over the woman’s corpse as he slipped a ring on her finger.

  He could now confirm that the Rob he had seen a while ago in her office was the same grieving man. He had got every tiny detail correct, his startling blue eyes and the way his fair hair parted in the middle as well as the two tiny dimples on each cheek. And the young Josh had revealed every minute detail to the psychiatrist. No wonder her father never got on with the talented and handsome Rob.

  Josh clutched onto a bookcase and closed his eyes...

  ...The psychiatrist was listening to everything that young Josh had to say and he believed him. “Josh, my boy, you don’t have to feel bad about the girl. You are the only one who could erase destiny and open alternative paths for her. You have to think hard about this and you have to believe in yourself, just as I believe in you.”

  That night that boy really thought hard about what his new friend had told him. The girl will not die. He was adamant about this. He drifted off to sleep and he changed everything. He stopped them from dragging her off the path, and the rape and morgue dreams disintegrated. Brand new vivid dreams took their place and he discussed them all with that young psychiatrist.

  There was the pregnant girl walking down the church aisle, the birth of his children, swimming in Kemmuna, the scary cellar infested with rats and the harrowing crumbling cliff. The psychiatrist was pleased with these new set of dreams even though they were smeared with bad bits. “Josh, listen, life cannot always be plain sailing. There will inevitably be some bad moments. But you will be able to tweak things round and conjure up a more palatable outcome.”

  That boy was now gaining confidence, he had finally found someone who understood his complex thoughts and he no longer felt that desperate isolation....

  “Josh?” There was a hint of fear in her voice.

  He tried to refocus. He s
till had his back to her and he had no explanations to offer for his disturbed actions. He had to keep up a superficial conversation with her so that the other half of his brain would continue to remember. He turned round to face her.

  ...the ten-year-old girl was falling off her horse. The hooves thumped on the ground as they narrowly missed her face.... “Your daughter will fall off her horse one day. But she’ll be fine if she wears her helmet every time she goes riding,” that young Josh was telling the psychiatrist as they discussed various issues in that oak-panelled office...

  He was going mad. No, he had always been mad.

  “Maria, did you fall off your horse when you were about ten?”

  “Yes, that was random. Why are you asking me that? And how did you know?”

  What was he going to say, how could he possibly cover up his stupid question? That was not how he was supposed to keep up the light conversation. “I just remembered you telling me that you are terrified of horses and I assumed,” he explained lamely as he rubbed his throbbing temples. That was why she looked so familiar, he had seen her plenty of times in his childhood dreams. But as he grew older he had rejected those dreams, locking them inside a forgotten room in his spacious mind.

  “Josh, you don’t look too well. You should sleep it off. I have only one bedroom I’m afraid. You are welcome to use my bed. I’ll sleep on the sofa.”

  “No, I’ll be fine on your sofa. I am tired and I do have a headache. Though, I really wanted to finish reading your medical book.” He laughed feebly.

  “We can discuss everything in the morning.” She got him some pillows and quickly turned the sofa into a bed. He thankfully sank down, feeling drained out. But she was reluctant to leave him.

  “Josh, what else do you remember about my father?”

  “I was five and I forgot the details,” he lied; he never forgot things. Now that he had unlocked that room he could even remember the psychiatrist’s every facial expression as they discussed several complex issues like two grown-up adults. “I remember discussing things and he did make me feel better but in the end he had to start a new life in the UK. And he just left.” The psychiatrist’s sudden departure had hurt that young Josh perhaps as much as his mother’s spiteful rejections. He felt let down at a time when he really needed his help. And that was probably the reason why he had locked everything in that forgotten room. He never wanted to remember the psychiatrist or his daughter or those crazy six months. The only remaining vestige of that period in his life was the park dream with its chilling screams that kept haunting him throughout his childhood. But eventually he outgrew that too.

  “This coincidence is so unbelievable,” Maria mused.

  “Yes it is, but we do live in the same world and these things do happen. It was just a distant episode from my past, that’s all,” he tried to convince her.

  She bent down and tenderly kissed his lips as she bid him goodnight.

  “Is this how you say goodnight to your great friends?” He laughed as he pulled her on top of him and continued to kiss her, forgetting everything else as he filed his insane memories away. He will think about them later.

  Now his whole mind was occupied by her presence, her sweet scent and her soft curvy body covered by the scanty clothes she had chosen to wear for his benefit. He had easily read through her intentions as she came out of her bedroom, wearing just the right amount of clothes, revealing just enough to drive him insane. The reckless half of her brain must be working overtime. Those flimsy bits of clothing were so easy to tear away and they were soon naked and rolling on the sofa bed. And she never stopped him.

  He could do anything. It was his decision and he was so dangerously close. Josh forced himself to think of the pregnant Maria walking down the church aisle. He remembered the tall dark-haired man, he had looked happy to see his heavily pregnant daughter kiss her new husband in that English church. He had approved of that union and so he must have approved of the previous activities in bed. Therefore he could just continue….

  But it was Josh himself who desperately wanted to tweak that dream and change destiny. Fundamentally he wanted her to marry him because she loved him and not because she had to. They can have all the fun in the world after they got married. So he broke his embrace and covered her with his shirt as he whispered hoarsely, “Maria, you should go to your bedroom and lock the door. We still have to discuss things in the morning, right?”

  She looked at him, sheer bewilderment in her big brown eyes. She hastily put on his shirt and buttoned it up; her scanty torn clothes would do nothing to hide her embarrassment. The magazines had all highlighted his mean side and how he would sleep around and break every heart, and yet, here she was, stupidly offering herself on a plate with no strings attached and he had not taken advantage of that. He was acting very strangely and out of character with her. And it was not as if he didn’t want to finish it off too. Men could never fake lust. She could see him struggling as he squeezed everything back into his tight boxers.

  She would give away everything she owned just to know what he was thinking. She could feel his gaze slowly analyzing her and she knew that he could easily read through her disappointment. She could not meet his eyes, she just wanted the ground to open up and swallow her. She was about to crawl back to her room but he held her hand and stopped her.

  “Maria, don’t be angry with me. You want to know what I’m thinking, right? I’m thinking how great it would be if we got married and could do this all the time without any guilt stopping us...well, stopping me. You have the church booked for a wedding this Sunday, it seems such a waste not to take advantage of it. The only difference to your original plans will be the groom and the ring, I’ll choose that myself.”

  “Stop proposing, it’s freaking me out. You heard what I said to Rob…I don’t ever want to get married…and that applies to you too. I just want, well, something without any strings attached. I just want a casual relationship. It is what you usually offer to those other millions of girls. You never proposed before you slept with them. So why are you being so different with me? Since when are you feeling guilty about sleeping around? I don’t think the gossip magazines are all lies, there must be some truth hidden inside each article. Don’t bother lying about guilt feelings.”

  “I promise, it is not a lie. I’m sorry but I don’t want a casual physical relationship this time and I will not cross the threshold unless we get married. After that the sky is our limit and we can stay in bed the whole day. I am a hundred percent sure that we will have a very happy life together.” He wanted to tell her about the four beautiful children they would share but he was not even sure if they were real or just figments of his imagination. In any case, if marriage freaked her out, kids would surely drive her insane.

  “How can you be so sure about that? You hardly know me.” She looked at him and he raised his eyebrows. She had to laugh, “Well all right, you can read my every thought and I guess you know me more than I know myself. It is really amazing how you can answer my thoughts without me even expressing them. But I am not ready for commitment yet.”

  “That’s fine, I can wait, but in the meantime I would appreciate it if you could refrain from wearing such flimsy dresses, they only end up in rags and they make my mission more difficult to achieve. They almost served their purpose tonight. You could only have worn them for one thing.”

  She flushed and looked down; she could hide nothing from him. He knew her inside out. She rose to leave but he pulled her back, “Please think about that European trip. I know that you have not made up your mind about it and we can discuss this further in the morning when you give me my shirt back.” He slid his hand up her back beneath his shirt. He could not decide what looked better on her, the flimsy dress or his shirt. But he had to stop now, he did not know how much more he could take in one night, so he gave her a final goodnight kiss and she left for her room.

  He settled back, thinking about the tall dark-haired man. But he could not get to the bot
tom of things. Everything must have a logical explanation behind it but he was not going to try and find it. He will do what he always did with all unexplainable things, lock them up and forget all about them until it was time to reopen that room and recall every single detail.

  ****

  Josh opened his eyes. He felt unusually refreshed. He had slept so soundly on that sofa and he had had no dreams. But he had somehow predicted this. He looked at his watch and realized with a shock that it was already two in the afternoon. He wondered if Maria would kick him out. Last night her reckless half had dominated and she had let him get close to her. Today might be different. He could hear her cooking in the kitchen.

  “Sorry, I overslept.” He leaned against the kitchen doorframe. She was decently dressed in a tight pair of jeans and T-shirt. There were no seductive flimsy dresses that morning. Her sensible half must have taken over.

  “That’s all right. You always look so tired and drawn. I was pleased to see you sleep so soundly...Josh, I’m sorry about last night.”

  He immediately knew that she was still torn in two; she had not reached her decision about the trip. If she said no he will have to rethink his strategy. He would abandon his firm belief on free will and he would easily manipulate her so that her reckless half would dominate again. She will eventually thank him for his manipulation. But he wanted to give her the chance to say yes without flashing his smile or trying to seduce her. So he hung his head down and studied the floor pattern as he answered, “Forget it, it’s not your fault. Besides, I enjoyed it too.”

  “OK, so I can forget my forward and lusty behaviour last night.” She quickly changed the subject. “Are you hungry? You’ve missed breakfast but lunch will soon be ready.”