by Emily Smith
Galen had to admit, the girl was cute. But sex was the last thing she could think about—not when all she wanted to do was crawl into a hole and hide until she felt human again. “I’m not sure. I don’t think I’m ready to date anyone yet.”
“I thought you’d say that. But the offer stands, okay? If you change your mind, let me know. I know Sunny would love you.”
“Thanks. I’ll keep that in mind.”
When Teddy left her office, Galen tried hard to picture herself with anyone besides Rowan. The image felt foreign and wrong. It felt pointless.
* * *
After Rowan’s two-day hiatus from the hospital, she knew she’d have to face what she’d done. She’d have to face Galen. After all, she was her boss. Rowan shook her head as she sat alone on a bench tucked away behind one of the hospital waiting rooms. How stupid could she have been? She hadn’t even considered that she and Galen would have to deal with a messy breakup and still have to work together. Would Galen take all the good cases away to spite her? Would she be nasty and bitter when they were in an OR together? Would Rowan have to explain to everyone why she’d ended things?
The questions felt endless, but time was running out, and Rowan couldn’t stay hidden in the outpatient pediatrics department forever. Reluctantly, she made her way toward the surgeons’ lounge on the fifth floor. She had to face her demons, and possibly her mistakes, sooner or later.
Before she could even get to the door of the lounge, Makayla intercepted her, grabbing her by the elbow and pulling her into one of the darker corners of the hallway.
“What are you doing back?”
“What do you mean?” Rowan figured it was best to just start by pretending nothing was wrong. But really, everything was wrong.
Makayla twisted her mouth and raised an eyebrow. “Are you ready for this, then?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Yes, you do.”
Rowan turned from her, frustrated that Makayla seemed to always be the one to call her out on her bullshit. Most of the time, she loved having a friend she was so transparent to. But not when she was trying to shield herself from reality. “I have to go. I have a case in half an hour.”
“Texas, I wouldn’t go in there if I were you…”
But before Rowan could heed her warning, she’d reached the entrance of the lounge and opened the door. Teddy sat on one of the sofas, his feet kicked up on a nearby chair. And beside him sat Galen. The room went as quiet as a funeral, and both of them looked up at her with an eerily similar combination of dismay and shock.
“Oh, crap,” Teddy muttered loudly, as he often did when he thought he was saying things just under his breath. Galen just continued staring. She looked pale, her year-round-tan nothing more than a distant memory, and faint creases were painted under her cold eyes. Her scrub top was just a little wrinkled, and she held a large coffee instead of her usual espresso. Still, Rowan’s heart broke. She’d missed her since the moment she walked out of Galen’s apartment the other night—but she hadn’t realized quite how much until she saw her sitting there in front of her.
“It’s fine, Ted,” Galen finally said, seeming to emerge from whatever trance she’d been in. “How are you, Rowan?”
Rowan couldn’t answer. She was too focused on the way Galen’s mouth moved when she talked, and all she wanted to do was kiss those lips again. Galen’s words were calm and easy in a way that bothered Rowan more than she could justify. How was she so okay with this? She was supposed to be hurting. She was supposed to miss her. She was supposed to be lost, just like Rowan was.
“Good, thanks. How are you?” Rowan’s words weren’t quite as nonchalant as Galen’s. But she figured Galen had spent an entire lifetime refining the art of not caring.
“I’m good. Welcome back. We missed you here.” Galen offered her a cordial smile similar to the one she’d given her the day they first bumped into each other in front of the elevators, and Rowan wanted to cry. By now, Makayla had walked into the room and strategically placed herself between them. Rowan wasn’t sure whether this was just in case things got ugly or because she wanted a front-row seat to the drama. She imagined it was a little of both.
“Thanks.” Rowan managed to choke back the tears long enough to smile back like she had all the time in the world and leave the room, but Makayla was on her tail.
“You all right?”
“Sure. Fine. Why?” But Rowan couldn’t stop a single tear from escaping. She turned away from Makayla and faced the wall, but it was too late.
“Uh-huh, because, I mean, you seem totally okay.” Makayla put a hand on her shoulder.
“I’m fine. Really. It’s just going to take some getting used to being around her again.”
“Or, and hey, I’m just putting this out there, you could, gee, I don’t know, win her back?”
Rowan wiped the tear off her cheek and straightened her shoulders. “I told you, Kayla, I made up my mind. And apparently so did Galen.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Didn’t you see her in there? Clearly I was just another notch on the Galen Burgess bedpost. It’s like she never even cared.”
Makayla rolled her eyes. “Oh my God. I had no idea you were so selfish. And I really don’t want to justify that comment with a response. But because you’re my friend, and, let’s be honest, we both know I can’t help myself, I will. Galen is not fine. She’s not even okay.”
“She sounded it to me.” Rowan sniffed, her hurt lightening a little.
“And you’re basing that on what? A few words? She’s faking it, Texas. Of course she’s putting on a good show. But you haven’t been around here for the last two days. One minute she’s snapping at an intern, and the next she’s sitting quietly in a corner staring at the ceiling. It’s been like working for House. You know, that TV show with the super smart but totally unstable doctor? Yeah, like that, but, you know, without the drug addiction.”
“Really?”
“Oh, don’t look so pleased with yourself. It’s not cute. And in case I haven’t made it clear, even though I’m your best friend, I still think you’re the world’s biggest idiot for breaking up with her.”
“Yeah. I got that.” Rowan knew she was, in fact, selfish. But she couldn’t help but smile a little. She wasn’t sure when she’d become the worst human being on earth, and she wasn’t sure why she was so relieved to hear Galen wasn’t over her. The only thing she was sure of was that absolutely nothing made sense anymore.
Chapter Nineteen
It had been a week since Brian moved in, and Rowan was starting to more or less adjust. She wouldn’t say she was happy, but she was content. They’d lived together before, when her life was simpler and, admittedly, markedly less interesting. And, in many ways, it was like they were picking up where they left off. The only small, insignificant difference was the human-sized hole Rowan walked around with in the shape of Galen. Avoiding her at work had become easier once she stopped hanging out in the surgeons’ lounge or near the ORs. And she certainly wasn’t making any impromptu trips to Galen’s office these days. Rowan spent most of her time either in the OR itself or hidden in one of the work spaces on the medical floors where Galen would never dream of going. She did have to operate with her on occasion, but so many other people were around, it was easy to keep things short and professional.
So far, work had been tolerable—pleasant, even. But Rowan knew if she were caught off guard, alone with Galen, things would be different. All it would take was one glance into that strong, perfect face, and she’d fall all over herself like always. She didn’t trust herself. She still felt everything for Galen she’d been feeling for months. She was just learning how to repress it better. But Rowan wasn’t sure she could say “no” to Galen yet. She wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to.
Her apartment was no longer hers. Brian had taken over half the living room with his computers and video games, remote controls to God-only-knew-wh
at spread haphazardly across the floor.
“Brian!” Rowan nearly tripped on one of the wires to Brian’s Xbox as she made her way into the house that evening. A rage so uncharacteristic it left her unsettled and uncertain of who she was becoming rose up in her so fiercely she had to take a deep breath and clench her fists to keep from shouting.
“I’m in here!”
She took another big breath and exhaled, reminding herself this was the life she’d chosen, and she would just have to learn to be okay with her decision. This heartache—these feelings for Galen that were still so fresh and devastating—would pass. Through the door to the kitchen she heard pots and pans tinkering, and the scent of garlic and cumin wafted through the air.
Brian stood at the stove, a light blue apron that barely covered his knees tied around his waist, stirring something with a large, wooden spoon.
“What are you making? It smells great.” Rowan instantly felt the heaviness of guilt for being irritated with him.
“Baked chicken, collards, and potatoes. Hope that’s all right.” He leaned down and kissed her sweetly.
“It’s wonderful.” She smiled at him but couldn’t help but remember the catastrophic Thanksgiving dinner Galen had attempted, and her appreciation faded into a familiar, deep sadness. “Thank you.”
Brian had lit candles and set the kitchen table, which they rarely did—even back home in Texas. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong. “How was your day?”
“Fine. I had a couple of surgeries in the morning and then spent the rest of the day in clinic doing…Never mind. I know you aren’t really into this.”
Brian came up behind Rowan and wrapped his long arms around her waist, the suffocation almost immediately noticeable to Rowan. “Of course I am,” he answered.
“What about you? How was your job interview?” Rowan found herself desperately hoping the interview had been a flop, dreaming of sending Brian packing home to Texas in a horribly fantastical daydream that left her wracked with guilt.
“It was great. Here, sit down. Dinner’s ready and I wanted to talk.” Was he breaking up with her? Rowan could only hope. What was wrong with her? Why couldn’t she either just appreciate the wonderful man she had in front of her or let him go? She sighed to herself—because nothing is that simple.
“Okay…” Rowan took a seat, the feeling of dread she’d had since she walked in the door only escalating with each passing moment. Brian brought over a serving dish still steaming from the oven and sat across from her.
“Before we eat, I need to tell you something.” He wasn’t breaking up with her. Hell. He could hardly contain his excitement. “GenTech in Cambridge offered me a job.”
Was that it? Was that the big news he couldn’t wait to share? Rowan was happy for him, no doubt. But she was also relieved it wasn’t something directly related to her. As she had entered the kitchen that night and saw the spread on the table and the candles lit, she had a single, terrifying thought—Brian was going to propose. Rowan smiled and silently thanked all the stars in the universe she’d been wrong.
“Congratulations! That’s so great!” She reached across the table and squeezed his hand.
“They’re a new startup, but they have a lot of promise. They need someone to help advance their smartphone apps, and they want me. The pay is good, the hours will be decent, and the best part is, I can stay here and stop mooching off you.”
“That’s…wow.” Rowan tried her best to look cordial, but she was crushed inside, knowing Brian now had ties to the area that went beyond her. Their web was getting woven even tighter than she wanted, especially given just how unsteady the ground beneath her had grown lately. Still, she managed to fill both their glasses with wine and raise hers halfheartedly in the air. “A toast. To your continued success.”
But Brian didn’t lift his glass. “There’s something else.”
Rowan’s heart plunged and her stomach hollowed. “What else, Brian?”
She watched in horror as Brian reached into his sweater pocket and pulled out a velvet ring box, placing it on the table in front of her. No, no, no, no, no. This can’t be happening.
“Brian…” If Rowan’s face was giving away any part of the panic that was ascending inside her, Brian didn’t seem to notice
“Go ahead. Open it.”
Rowan hoped for a minute that there might be earrings or a lovely keychain inside the box. Tentatively, like disarming a bomb, she opened it. The inside of her chest suddenly felt squeezed so tight she didn’t know if she’d find her next breath. There were no earrings. Just a rock—a big, shiny, more-than-Brian-could-ever-afford rock. She just continued to gape, her mouth like a canyon, as Brian stood up and then dropped to one knee.
“Rowan Renee Duncan, I love you. And I think you know just how much.” Unfortunately, Rowan did. “Will you please marry me?”
The world stopped on its axis. Everything was so still, Rowan could almost see the air particles frozen in time in front of her. She should have been prepared for this. She should have thought about what she could ever possibly say when Brian finally asked. But she hadn’t. She was too wrapped up in her own heartbreak—too wrapped up in being in love with someone else. So she said the only thing she could think of. “Yes. I’ll marry you.”
Time resumed, marked only by Brian’s big, naive smile. Rowan tried to reciprocate even a fragment of his joy as he stood and hugged her, but all she could do was try not to cry.
“Here! Try it on!” Brian pulled the ring out of the box and yanked Rowan’s left hand to him, slipping the ring on her finger. “Perfect fit.”
“It’s beautiful…” It was a beautiful ring. But it was also as heavy as a brick, and Rowan’s entire left side suddenly felt weighed down. The burning in her lungs built to a suffocating fire until she felt like she was gasping for air. Oh my God, what did I do? What did I do?
* * *
Eight days. Eight days had passed since Rowan told Galen she was choosing Brian. Every day was a little easier for Galen, but really, only a little. Some mornings, she awoke feeling ready to take on everything that came at her. The sunrise held promise that she’d feel better with each passing minute. Then, other mornings, Galen woke up feeling like she’d taken a giant sprint backward, her heart just as shattered as it had been that first night. She repeatedly told herself it would be three steps forward and two steps back, for whatever indeterminate amount of time it took for her to recover. Unfortunately, she didn’t have a formula for this situation. She didn’t have a Virchow’s Triad or Wells Criteria or any other equation like in medicine that would tell her how much longer it would take before she healed. She should know, too, by the embarrassing search history on her laptop looking for someone or something to tell her how many days, months, years even she could expect to suffer. She was being ridiculous. And she hated the inner teenage girl that seemed to have possessed her lately. But Galen couldn’t do anything but wait.
Today was a good day, though. Galen woke up, warm under her down comforter and expensive sheets, with Suzie curled at her feet. She made her first espresso, took her morning shower, and headed to the hospital. Maybe she was still hurting, but maybe she wouldn’t hurt forever.
“Good morning, everyone.” It was Thursday, which meant time for the weekly resident meeting. Galen didn’t love seeing Rowan at work every day, but she’d found ways to adapt. Generally, that meant avoiding her whenever possible. She’d swapped cases around if she could so she didn’t have to operate with Rowan, and when they weren’t in the OR together, Galen stayed put in her office. Rowan never sought her out, though plenty of times Galen found herself wishing she would. Still, the weekly meeting would be one of those unavoidable occasions.
She tried hard not to look directly at Rowan when she spoke to the group. Doing so just caused her to stumble on her words, and, if she looked at her long enough, she couldn’t help but remember just how beautiful Rowan really was and how she was no longer hers. But by sticking to data p
oints and articles and feedback, Galen was able to survive the ordeal. And no one in the room appeared any the wiser.
“That’s all for now, guys. Hit the showers.” She ended all her meetings this way, and each time, Teddy cracked up. “Thanks, Ted. At least you find me amusing.” Galen’s gaze drifted across the room, inadvertently locking with Rowan’s. She wasn’t sure if she’d been staring, or if Rowan had been the one looking at her. But when their paths crossed, the rest of the room fell silent, and a soft, torturous sadness buzzed between them like a power surge. Galen wanted to look away, but she couldn’t. Rowan didn’t seem to be able to either. In moments like this, Galen knew nothing was over between them. Their story wasn’t finished. Or, maybe, Galen was just fooling herself.
Teddy, Makayla, and Rowan lingered in the surgeons’ lounge, talking about their upcoming cases and their weekend plans. Galen turned to head back to her office but stopped. Why should she have to be the one to isolate herself? Why should she uproot her daily routine just to make Rowan comfortable?
“Who’s up for drinks on Friday at O’Shay’s?” she asked. “Teddy?”
Teddy’s face reflected surprise but quickly changed to pleasure at Galen’s new reintegration to the group. “Hell, yes. I’m in. Guys?”
Makayla and Rowan looked at each other, seemingly exchanging a fully involved conversation no one else could interpret. “Yeah, sure. As long as Galen’s buying.”
All three looked expectantly at Rowan, and Galen’s pulse clicked loudly in her head like a metronome. She had no idea what she was doing and if being Rowan’s “friend” was at all possible. But she figured she’d better find out.
“I…I have plans Friday. Sorry.” Rowan looked at the ground. A quiet knock on the already open door cut short the silence that followed.
Galen turned to see a tall, thin man in an unseasonably cool windbreaker and Texas Longhorns hat standing at the entryway. She knew immediately who he was.