by Emily Smith
“Place the sterile drape over his chest and slather him with betadine.”
Rowan did as she was told, spreading the brown liquid over the unconscious boy’s body.
“Good. Now, take the needle. You want to go just sub-xyphoid. Advance it a little bit at a time. When you see blood, you know you’re in the pericardium. Don’t go any further or you risk hitting the heart and causing an arrhythmia,” Galen said.
A cold sweat coated Rowan’s brow. “Wait. I’m not doing this. Am I?”
“See one, do one, teach one, right? Come on. You’ve got this. I wouldn’t let you if I didn’t think that. Now, go slowly. We have time.”
For a moment, it was just the two of them in the room. Their familiar connection was as alive as ever, and Rowan was relieved by an overwhelming sense of trust in Galen. She wouldn’t lead Rowan wrong. She would walk her through this every step of the way.
“Okay. Laurie, can you hand me the eighteen-gauge needle, please? And can you watch the monitor? Let me know if his heart does anything funny,” Rowan said.
One of the nurses handed the needle to Rowan, and Rowan tried to keep her hand steady. This little boy on the table in front of her didn’t need her shaking like she’d had eight cups of coffee.
“Now, slowly advance,” Galen said.
Rowan tried to focus on the dulcet tones of Galen’s voice as she slid the needle under the boy’s sternum.
“A little farther. You’re almost there.” Galen sounded as confident in her as anyone ever had, and some of Rowan’s fear settled.
“I’ve got blood,” Rowan nearly shouted with joy.
“Keep pulling back on the syringe.”
“Pressure is holding at 92/58,” Laurie said. “And his heart rate is down to 100.”
“Okay. Take the needle out now.”
Rowan did as Galen said. “That’s it. We did it!” she said, once the needle was safely out of the boy’s chest and on the table next to her.
“You did it,” Galen said, her smile filling the entire room.
“What the hell is going on in here?” Dr. Frederick, a tall, silver-haired cardiothoracic surgeon barreled into the room and stopped so quickly he seemed to skid.
“He had pericardial tamponade. His BP was unstable. I tried to find an attending, but I couldn’t wait. He couldn’t wait,” Galen said, standing as tall and sure as ever.
“So you did an unauthorized, unsupervised pericardioscentesis? On an eight-year-old?”
“Yeah, we did,” Galen said. “We had to or he was going to die.”
“And where did all this blood come from?” Dr. Frederick snapped.
“He had a tension pneumothorax when he first came in. I had to put in a chest tube.”
“What did you use, Burgess, a chainsaw? Jesus.” Dr. Frederick shook his head and turned to walk out of the room. “Oh, and, uh, nice work, Dr. Burgess.”
The smallest smile peeked on Galen’s lips, and Rowan suppressed a giggle.
“Let’s send this guy up to the OR, huh?” Galen said. She grabbed the foot of the bed, and Rowan followed suit, feeling like they could take on the world if they tried.
* * *
Rowan wanted to stay and see how Jack and the boy with the chest injury had done. She also wanted to make sure Adelaide’s head CT was okay. But she needed to go home first. Something more important was waiting for her.
Brian was sitting on the couch with his mother, flipping through copies of some dreadful wedding magazine his mother had brought with her from Texas.
“Hello, Joanie,” Rowan said, shutting the door behind her. “It’s good to see you.”
The obese woman in the floral dress smiled and stood to hug Rowan. “How are you, sweetheart?”
“I’m…” Rowan thought hard about the answer. “I’m great.”
“You’re home early, hon,” Brian said. “Just in time to help Mom pick out some bridesmaids’ bouquets.”
“Actually, Brian, I was hoping we could talk. Joanie, would you excuse us for just a second?”
Brian furrowed his brow and looked to his mother. “It’s fine, Mom. Why don’t you go unpack?”
“Of course, dear. I’ll just be in the other room.”
“What’s the matter?” Brian asked, once Joanie had left.
Rowan sat down next to him, leaving a secure foot of space between them. “This isn’t going to be easy for me to say. And it’s going to be even harder for you to hear. But you just have to let me get it out, okay?”
“You’re making me nervous here.”
Rowan stared straight ahead. “I can’t marry you, Brian.”
“You…what do you mean?” His voice shook with impending tears. Rowan was afraid he would cry. But she couldn’t let his reaction weaken her resolve.
“I love you. I really do. You’re a wonderful man who’s going to make some girl very happy. I just…that girl isn’t me, Brian.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I don’t either, honestly. I just know that we aren’t meant to spend forever together. I can’t love you the way you love me. And it wouldn’t be fair to you for me to let you think otherwise.”
Brian’s voice rose. “Why don’t you let me decide what’s fair to me?”
“Marrying me would be a huge mistake. For both of us. I’m sorry.” Rowan was the one who felt the tears spill out. “I’m so sorry.”
“I…okay…” Any hint of anger in Brian’s tone had dissipated, and he settled back into his usual passivity.
Rowan knew he wouldn’t put up a fight. She didn’t want him to. She pulled the ring out of her coat pocket and held it out to him. “Here.”
“Did I do something?” he said.
“What? No! You didn’t do anything. You’ve been amazing to me. I just can’t be with you in the way you want.” It was the best Rowan could do to explain the unexplainable.
“I’m never going to find anyone like you, Ro.”
“You’re right. You’ll find someone better. Someone who’s right for you.”
“I don’t want anyone else. I want you.” Brian was going to pull at whatever heartstrings he could, even if he didn’t argue with her.
“I’m sorry.” That was all she could think to say.
“I guess I’ll start getting my things together. I suppose I can go back with Mom until I figure things out.” Brian kept his face flat and expressionless.
“I’m sorry, Brian.” Rowan stood, kissed him on the cheek, and walked straight out the front door, never looking back.
* * *
It was nearly eight pm on Christmas Eve. Most of the staff had gone home for the night, but Galen stayed in her office, waiting on Jack, the little boy with the spleen laceration, to get to Recovery. Besides, she had nothing to rush home to. It was just going to be her, Suzie, and a bottle of Bulleit. Galen thought about staying for the night, seeing if she needed to help with any cleanup left from the accident earlier. But she didn’t have any energy left. Being caught in the wake of so many injured kids had sucked the life out of her, and she was exhausted. She heard Jack had made it out of surgery, and as soon as he was settled and stable, she would leave.
Her office door was open, largely because Galen hadn’t expected any visitors.
“Knock, knock.”
Galen looked up at the sound of Rowan’s soft voice. “What are you doing back here? I saw you leave hours ago.” Galen tried to act indifferent, but she was secretly thrilled with Rowan’s arrival. Even if it didn’t mean anything.
“I did. But I’m back. Can I come in?”
“The door’s open.”
Rowan stepped inside the room and sat on the trash can in the corner. “How is Jack doing?”
“Good. He just made it out of surgery. Jay had to remove his spleen, and he lost a lot of blood, but he did great.”
“And the other boy? God, you know I didn’t even catch his name? How awful is that? I stuck a friggin’ needle into his chest but didn’t get his name.”
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br /> “Marcus Hansen. He did great too. They put in a pericardial window in the OR, but he didn’t have any other major injuries. He’s in the ICU right now.” Galen smiled at her. “You were amazing today, you know.”
Rowan’s cheeks turned a cherry red. “I had the best teacher…”
“What can I say?” Galen locked eyes with Rowan, trying to figure out what she was doing there. It was more than just following up on the kids.
“Today was crazy. I think I’m still in shock,” Rowan said.
“Same. Can you believe we didn’t lose a single kid all day? A couple are still touch-and-go, but I think they’ll be just fine. We really did a great job. Especially you.”
“Will you come have a drink with me?”
Galen was taken aback by the abruptness of Rowan’s request. “I…right now?”
“I mean, in a couple of hours. I’d like to change, but I figure, it’s Christmas Eve, right? Neither of us should be alone.”
“What about Brian?” Galen involuntarily angled her chair away from Rowan, feeling apprehensive yet excited. She wanted nothing more than to be alone with Rowan, outside of the hospital, on Christmas. But she wasn’t willing to get hurt again. What little progress she had made was enough that she couldn’t imagine backtracking. She couldn’t imagine letting Rowan do that to her again.
“He’s…he’s not going to be around anymore.”
Galen tried to keep her heart from soaring into the air. “What do you mean?”
“I told him I couldn’t marry him.” Rowan kept her head down but couldn’t seem to suppress a sly smile.
“Is that right?”
“Yeah, it is. So…will you have a Christmas Eve drink with me or not?”
Galen wanted to say yes so badly. But inside, she was terrified. It was just too convenient that Rowan would be at her door, asking to see her only moments after leaving Brian. Rowan was probably lonely, and Galen didn’t want to be her easy one-night stand. She didn’t want to fill a temporary void. She wanted to be Rowan’s forever.
“I don’t know. Maybe another time?” Galen felt trapped.
“Galen. It’s just a drink. You’re not doing anything else, right?”
Galen thought about everything she knew about Rowan. This was not a girl to call her up for some company. She was kinder than that. She wouldn’t do that to Galen’s heart. And Rowan wasn’t blind to the fact Galen was still in love with her.
“Okay. Why not?” Galen said. Rowan beamed, and Galen hoped she wasn’t making a horrible mistake. She was setting herself up to get hurt all over again. But she had to see this through.
“Great! Give me ten minutes to change, and I’ll meet you back here.” Rowan skipped out of the room.
Chapter Twenty-three
It was less than ten minutes before Rowan arrived back at Galen’s office door. She wore a pair of tight jeans that hugged the lines of her ass and a flowing top that plunged just low enough. Galen’s throat burned, and she swallowed hard. No matter what happened, she wasn’t going to sleep with Rowan that night. She kept repeating the mantra to herself, hoping it would stick—although she never once believed the words. The second Rowan put a hand on her thigh, touched her face, or even looked at her in the right way, she’d be defenseless. She could only stand to hope Rowan didn’t know that.
“Ready to go?” Rowan asked, standing with one hand on her curvy hips, a coy smile on her red lips.
“Sure. By the way, it’s now ten pm on Christmas Eve. Where, exactly, were you planning to go?”
“Charlie’s is open until two. I know it’s not classy, but I like it.”
Galen was familiar with Charlie’s. She and Rowan had gone there on their second date. She knew it was no accident Rowan was suggesting it too. Galen told herself this was going to be even harder than she thought.
“Charlie’s it is then. Come on. I’ll drive.”
Driving might make her feel a little more in control. On the surface, she was cold and aloof, trying to keep her heart as guarded as possible. Rowan’s open, willing air gave the illusion Galen held all the cards. But that was bullshit. Rowan had walked away. She had every hand to play, whether Rowan knew it or not.
“We better walk. You know, in case we have one too many?” Rowan was right.
They walked the twenty minutes to the seedy bar that Galen always thought felt cozy and unimposing. It wasn’t somewhere she took dates. But she’d taken Rowan there, because she wanted her to know her, to realize not everything had to be swanky and pretentious. Considering the holiday, a fair amount of people—mostly bearded millennials wearing flannel shirts and thick glasses they didn’t need—were at the bar. The lighting was bright, and the TV played A Christmas Carol in black and white.
“What are you drinking?” Rowan asked, once they’d staked out two seats at the bar. Rowan always told Galen she preferred sitting at the bar, so she could be closer to her. Considering how independent Rowan usually was, Galen found it hard not to find this preference incredibly endearing.
“The usual. Bulleit on the rocks.” Galen kept her voice cool, but she was facing Rowan. Her knees touched Rowan’s thighs, and it was impossible to deny the electricity she felt.
“You know Bulleit is extremely homophobic?”
“What do you mean?”
“I heard that the Bulleit family just disowned their daughter for coming out as queer,” Rowan said.
“Huh. Guess I better find a new brand, huh?” Galen laughed. “Starting tomorrow.”
When the bartender came, Galen ordered her drink, and Rowan echoed her request. Rowan never drank hard liquor, and Galen wondered what she needed the liquid courage for.
They made small talk for several more minutes, both of them downing their drinks faster than Galen deemed normal. They laughed about nothing and shared their sentiments about the narrowly avoided catastrophe of the day. It was like nothing had changed. They were them again. The feeling that the last several weeks just disappeared left Galen anxious. She couldn’t forget. She couldn’t let herself, no matter how good the moment felt.
“Tell me why we’re really here, Ro,” Galen asked. The small talk had ebbed, and her head was starting to swim with several glasses of whiskey.
“I made a mistake, Galen.”
Galen had a feeling this was going to be her answer. She just hadn’t yet decided what her response would be. More than anything, she wanted to hear these words. She wanted to welcome Rowan back with her arms wide open, pick up where they left off. She wanted to believe what Rowan was telling her. But she had put up the caution tape, and it just wasn’t going to be that easy.
“Go on,” Galen said.
“I ended this because I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was being a ‘good person’ by choosing Brian because he needed me more.”
“You don’t know that he needed you more.”
“Oh, come on. I was his whole life. You know that,” Rowan said.
“Just because I didn’t drop to my knees and beg like a loser doesn’t mean I didn’t love you just as much, you know. Actually, I loved you more. Besides, do you really want to be with the person who needs you? Isn’t it better to be with the person who chooses you?”
“What?” Rowan furrowed her brow, clearly confused.
“I want to be with someone who wakes up every morning and chooses to love me. Someone who’s with me because they want to be, not because they need to be.”
“I…you’re right. I don’t want someone to need me. I want someone who loves me. And I want to be wildly, crazily in love with them. Because now I know I’m capable of that. I know, because I feel that way about you, Galen.”
Galen’s chest warmed, and her stomach tossed and twisted. “Are you saying you want me back?”
Rowan leaned toward her, but before she could reach Galen’s lips, Galen turned her head.
“I don’t know.”
“Why not? We were great together. And you can’t tell me you don’t still
love me too. I can see it all over your face. You’re very transparent, you know.” Rowan winked at her.
“Of course I still love you. But you really hurt me, Ro. I mean, really bad. I don’t know if I can go through that again.”
But Galen had thought about that before agreeing to meet Rowan. Letting her in was a risk. At any point, Rowan could change her mind again and hurt her. And that would kill her. But Galen had survived it once before. She would survive again. And it might just be a chance worth taking.
“I’m not going to hurt you again. I promise.”
“How can you promise me that?”
“Because I’m sure of it.” Rowan leaned forward again, and this time, Galen didn’t stop her. Their lips connected, and Galen melted into her seat. A million pounds dropped off her and rose into the air, and everything inside her settled for the first time in a month. She reminded herself that sometimes a kiss could tell you more than words ever could.
“I’m scared, okay?” Galen said, once she’d pulled away and forced her eyes to focus again.
“I am too. I’m scared because you’re the love of my life. And at any minute, I could lose you. I mean, you’re Galen Burgess. Do you have any idea what kind of insurance policy you need for that level of liability?”
“Don’t bring my reputation into this. It wasn’t an issue before.”
“And it’s not now. But love is always a risk. When you feel that way, the rug could always get pulled out from under you. It’s the beautiful thing about it.”
Rowan was right. Regardless of the mistakes they’d made, loving someone was never without risks. But what was a life without love? Maybe Galen used to be okay with it. But the alternative now seemed lonely and empty.
“Promise me again,” Galen said. Rowan couldn’t actually promise her she’d never hurt her again. No one could make that promise. But Galen needed to hear it anyway.
Rowan raised her left hand in the air and extended her pinky finger. “Pinky promise.”
“Pinky promise?” Galen laughed.
“Yes! This is serious stuff! Now, pinky promise me you won’t hurt me either.”