by Erik Rounds
“Oh, at least twice. Maybe three times,” Tasha said, gesturing for them to proceed through the now open door. As she did so, Stat Shuffle wore off, and her body returned to its previous state. If Ari or Pan were confused about her rapidly shifting body, they didn’t say anything.
Tasha had made it into the keep of King Questgiver. Perhaps now she would finally get some answers.
Chapter 15
Snickers the Bumble
The castle entrance hall was a large chamber, with more open space than an aircraft hangar. In truth, an aircraft hangar wasn’t that far off the mark. She’d seen dragons entering the castle, and this room was large enough to contain many of them. Mighty pillars were spread across the vast room, providing structural support.
After several minutes of walking, Tasha entered the throne room. The throne itself sat upon a platform above a row of stairs. There were actually three thrones: a large one in the center and two smaller ones at either side. The room itself was empty save for a single person sitting upon the large throne. Tasha couldn’t make him out, so she approached cautiously.
When Tasha was finally close enough, she realized that this couldn’t be the elven king that she had come to see. The man sitting on the throne wasn’t an elf or a human. His elongated nose, his loud clothing, and his pure white face all led Tasha to one conclusion: This was the king’s jester.
“Um… hello? Who are you? Is the king available?”
The jester looked at her sadly, his eyes drooping and a forlorn look cast upon his misshapen face. He fell back into the king’s throne.
“Oh, perchance to be a king,
upon my head a golden crown,
to sit and rule and dance and sing,
yet I am nothing but a clown.”
Tasha looked to Ari, who just shrugged.
The creature who sat upon the throne noticed her for the first time. His sad expression was quickly replaced by one of unbridled glee. He gave her the largest smile she’d ever seen in her life, an unnatural smile that framed his entire face.
“And now comes a player to visit the king,
what query or portent does this fine lady bring?”
“Who are you?”
He put his feet up on the side of the throne and leaned onto the chair’s arm.
“Oh, I’m not but a jester and ever so humble,
well known to the people as Snickers the Bumble!”
Snickers the Bumble? Tasha’s mind ran back to the story that Ari had told her days before, the tale of Lorien, the first elven king. He was said to have a servant who only spoke in rhymes. Could this be the same person? If this jester was truly a divine being, she should be careful about what she said.
“Listen, Snickers, I need to see the king. Can you get him for me?”
Snickers stood from the king’s throne and said,
“The king is disturbed, distracted, and distraught,
the quiet of solitude is what he has sought.
His daughter was kidnapped by ninjas most vile,
so His Highness will be rather engaged for a while.”
“The princess was kidnapped by ninjas?” she said. “The guard did say something about a kidnapping. Ari, if we rescue the princess and return with her, getting an audience with the king should be easy.”
“Us, rescue Princess Kiwistafel?” said Aralogos, “I thought you were joking about the rescuing damsels bit earlier. We’re not heroes.”
Tasha shook her head. “If there is one thing that my many decades of playing video games has taught me, it’s that the player’s job is to rescue the princess. Snickers, do you know where the princess is?”
“I have not the faintest whiff of a clue,
so I’m afraid you will just have to make do.
You could ask her companions, the slime and the dwarf,
they’ve been searching for clues at the fisherman’s wharf.”
“Ask a slime and a dwarf down by the wharf. Got it,” Tasha said, turning to leave.
Tasha led her companions in silence through the corridor leading to the castle entrance. Once outside, Ari turned to her. “I don’t see how we can rescue the princess. King Questgiver surely has warriors much more experienced than us on the job. This isn’t something that people like us can do.”
“I’m not sure how we’ll find her,” Tasha said, “but let’s at least try. We can start by finding these friends of hers that the jester mentioned.”
“So do we just head down to the docks and look around for a dwarf with a slime?”
“We have to start somewhere,” she said.
The elf guard Kellarus chose that moment to appear through the gateway with another guard in tow.
“Well,” he said, “I’m off on my life of adventure. Thanks for holding my place, human.”
“Don’t mention it,” Tasha said. “Go forth, young elf. Fame and fortune await you.”
The elf proceeded through the courtyard with a smile on his face, carrying a small cardboard box.
Chapter 16
Rumble at the Market Square
After leaving the castle, they spent the next half hour walking to the docks. The capital city was set up against a wide river that fed into the ocean.
When Tasha arrived at the harbor, she got her first look at one of the riverboats as it arrived. It was a steam-powered cargo vessel with a large circular paddle at the fore, which cupped the water and propelled the vessel upriver. It was crewed by people who she assumed to be orcs, judging by their green skin, long fangs, and bulging muscles. In their company was also a short lizard woman with grayish-blue scales where there should have been skin. Maybe she was a kobold? It was never clear to Tasha whether kobolds were lizard-like or dog-like in appearance, as that tended to change based on the fiction. They were transporting a number of large wooden crates that were secured to the deck.
After a moment, Tasha realized that she was staring at the vessel and returned to the matter at hand. The docks were massive and sprawling with people. These were people in the most general sense of the term. There were elves all over the place but also orcs, gnomes, humans, slimes, dwarves, bird people, fairies, bunny people, and quite a few other races that she couldn’t recognize from any of the fantasy tropes that she was familiar with. There had to be dozens of different races all living and working together under the elven kingdom’s protection.
How were they to find two people who they’d never met before in a crowd like this? All she had to go on was that it was a dwarf and a slime—but there were dwarves and slimes everywhere.
“Maybe we should split up,” Ari suggested. “Keep an eye out for any slimes and dwarves traveling together. I know it seems rather vague, but that’s all we have to go on.”
In Tasha’s opinion, splitting the party was never a good idea and always ended badly. It also complicated the DM’s task, making him grumpy. On the other hand, they were in a friendly city rather than a dungeon. What could go wrong?
“All right,” Tasha said, “I’ll meet the two of you back here in half an hour.”
Tasha then realized that she had no way to tell when half an hour would have passed. Her phone and the game menu both read the countdown at 96:50, and they weren’t moving. She would just have to head back when she thought half an hour had passed.
“Bye,” Pan said as she ran off into the crowd.
Tasha watched her leave. “Will she be okay by herself?”
“Yeah,” said Ari. “She’s much tougher than she appears and probably a higher level now than most people in the crowd. She wouldn’t have gone off on her own if she felt a breakdown coming. I’ll see you in thirty minutes.”
As Tasha started walking in the direction of the taverns and shops, she saw a large number of dwarves and quite a few slimes. None of them walking together as a single party, however.
After walking for another ten minutes or so and not seeing anything that looked like the object of her search, she caught sight of something interesting. A cat gi
rl in a black leotard was running down an alley, and she was being chased by a band of brutish orcs. Her face and hands were covered in brown and white fur.
The girl fled from her pursuers, leading them between stalls in the marketplace, right toward the square where Tasha was standing. “Please, someone help me!” cried the cat girl.
In pursuit were five orcs weaving between the market stalls. That’s when Tasha saw it. Right beside a bomb seller’s stand was a barrel painted red with a black flame outline insignia and the word “EXPLOSIVE” written on it in big bold lettering.
Three potential plans of action sped through Tasha’s mind.
Attempt to learn more about the situation before acting.
Walk away since this clearly has nothing to do with you.
Shoot the explosive barrel with a fireball.
Tasha’s video game upbringing instinctively led her to choose the third option. Rescuing a cute cat girl from a horde of orcs seemed like a legitimate excuse to try out her new high-powered fireball spell in a combat situation. Besides, she was itching for some combat and hadn’t had a chance to fight since Webwood Forest.
She decided to start the fight by going all out while she still had first strike. She checked her compass to confirm that she was facing northward. She began the motions and syllables used in the Kamehameha wave from Dragonball. She would have to time the movements and sound cues perfectly. Fortunately, she’d practiced this multiple times in front of the mirror when nobody was watching.
She stepped forward with her left foot and adjusted the placement of her right foot while lowering her center. Both arms went to her right side, and she cupped her hands as she chanted the syllables of the spell.
The cat girl ran straight past her as the orcs began to close the distance. A speck of light appeared in her cupped hands and grew in size and intensity. This part of the spell was just an illusion, but making a good impression was key in any encounter.
The orcs had come to a stop right next to the explosive barrel. One of the orcs pointed at her. “Watch out! I think that human is spellcasting.”
As her incantation completed, she put both arms forward toward the gathered orcs. A ball of energy wreathed in blue flames emerged from her outstretched hands and flew at the gathered orcs. The summoned projectile was slow moving, taking over a second to reach them, but even so, it struck one of the orcs head-on. The resulting explosion hit the gathered orcs, and the splash damage caused the barrel to explode, dealing even more damage. The heat wave from the explosion reached her even where she was standing. The orc who had been struck lay dead on the ground, killed by the fiery impact.
Quest: A Meow-nificent Rescue
Class: Sidequest
Help the mysterious cat girl escape from the attacking orc horde.
Conditions for success: The cat girl escapes pursuit.
Conditions for failure: The cat girl is captured or killed by the pursuers.
Reward: 80 XP
“I’ve got this, just run!” Tasha said.
“Thanks, stranger. You’re saving me from being captured. I won’t forget it,” the cat girl said and ran off.
They were trying to capture her? Maybe they were somehow connected to the princess’s disappearance. Tasha had expected ninjas, but for all she knew these could be hired hands.
“She must be an accomplice.” The orc who was leading the chase pushed himself back to his feet. “Get her!”
The remaining four orcs charged straight at her. They were all large, angry, heavily armed, and each had excessively manly facial hair. Tasha instinctively took a step away but knew that if she didn’t stand her ground, the orc kidnappers might still catch the cat girl. They needed to be stopped here.
Her eyes were drawn to the corpse of the dead orc on the cobblestone floor. This was the first time that Tasha had killed someone who wasn’t a product of the ether. She’d just killed an actual person, and his body wasn’t vanishing. She hadn’t felt guilty about killing mobs since their bodies vanished and they didn’t look or act like real people. This orc had a look of fear on his face when she’d killed him, something no mob had ever displayed.
She froze, shocked by what she had done. The dead orc stared at her in judgement with dead eyes. In her hesitation and inaction, she was very nearly hit by a thrown axe. She managed to dodge just in time.
Now isn’t the time to lose your nerve, Tasha. I just need to think of these as any other enemy.
Gathering her determination, Tasha lifted her gunblade and aimed it at the nearest orc’s head. She pulled the trigger, but nothing happened. A tone indicated that she didn’t have enough mana. That one high-powered fireball spell had left her with under a single mana point, and it wouldn’t refill until she had something to eat. She should have enough left over to use the firestorm trigger action a handful of times. For the rest of the battle, she would have to rely on her sword skills and her wit.
There were four orcs still before her. Tasha checked her battle window. Three of them were level 5, and one was level 6. Her surprise fireball attack had damaged each of them, but they still outnumbered her four to one. She had made it to level 7, which only gave her a slight level advantage. Each of her opponents were disoriented.
The nearest orc was holding axes in both hands. He swung one of them at her in a downward arc, but Tasha successfully deflected it. She tried to dodge his other axe, but the blade hit her in the left shoulder. When the axe hit her, there was a momentary barrier that slightly reduced the axe’s velocity. She only lost three quarters of a heart container from the impact.
It hurt like hell, but Tasha was surprised that it hadn’t done more damage. Was this because of the defense stat on her chainmail bikini? She had just been hit with an axe by an expert fighter with more muscles than anyone she’d ever met, but the blow had barely scratched her. The pervy armor salesman had been on point about how actual body coverage didn’t matter in terms of damage absorption.
She jumped back, putting some distance between her and the orc who had struck her. The other three orcs had formed a circle around her. This wasn’t good. She couldn’t defend from all sides at once. They were using tactics in combat—bad guys weren’t supposed to use actual combat tactics! They were supposed to line up and wait patiently for their turn to attack. Apparently these orcs hadn’t gotten the memo. How inconsiderate of them.
An orc charged her from the right. She turned as he raised his warhammer, preparing to bring it down on her head. Tasha saw movement out of the corner of her eye. A second orc was charging from behind, his buster sword drawn. Before Mr. Warhammer could reach her, she stabbed him in the heart with her gunblade. Unfortunately, impaling him in the heart didn’t kill him. He still had heart containers left.
Tasha tried to liberate the sword from the orc’s chest, but the blade was stuck and wouldn’t budge. Tasha jerked forward from a sharp blow to her back as the buster-sword-wielding orc sliced her for three hearts. She screamed and fell to the ground, a puddle of blood forming around her. A bleed debuff appeared on her HUD, informing her that an additional half heart of health would be lost per minute. The impact had knocked the breath from her, and she struggled to draw in uneven breaths.
She forced herself back up to her feet and, unarmed, took stock of her enemies. There was the guy dual-wielding axes who’d damaged her for just under one heart container and the buster-sword guy who’d hit her for three hearts. The remaining orc was standing away from the battle, not approaching.
Mr. Buster Sword swung the weapon at her, but his moves were so slow and easy to read that Tasha was able to step out of its way.
Suddenly, time slowed down to half its normal speed. Tasha could see the buster sword slamming down onto the cobblestone. From the corner of her vision, another axe was flying toward her head, spinning rapidly. Her Bullet Time ability must have been invoked by the projectile, slowing her perception of the passage of time.
It felt like trying to run through a sea of marmalade.
Her body was moving but at the same slow speed as everything else. Though her perceptions were faster, her body wasn’t. Tasha focused on leaning back and lifting her hand into position before the axe arrived. Catching the axe in midair, she leaped into the air and threw it at the buster-sword orc, opening a shallow cut in his neck and knocking him to the ground, his enormous sword knocked aside.
After landing, she performed a Dark Souls-style roll away from the remaining orcs. From the ground, she picked up a piece of cobblestone and threw it at Mr. Dual Axe’s head, knocking him unconscious. That orc’s health was already low, so that was enough to knock him out.
The orc who had dropped the buster sword went to pick it up, but Tasha moved between him and his sword. Giving up on getting his sword back, the orc shouted, “I’ll get help, just hold her off.” With that declaration, he ran off.
Mr. Warhammer was still struggling on the ground, her gunblade impaled in his chest. That just left one remaining orc, the latecomer who hadn’t joined the fight.
Tasha ran back to her gunblade and set one boot on the dying orc for leverage. She pulled on the sword, yanking it out of his chest. Blood spewed, and he fell to the ground, dead.
Seeing his allies all either killed or unconscious, the final orc pulled out twin cutlasses.
Towering over her, Mr. Cutlass stabbed down with both blades. She rolled out of the way, but not without one of the cutlasses tearing into her left leg. Tasha was able to stand, but it was painful. That one hit brought her down to one heart container. A familiar tone began to play in her head.
Beep beep. Beep beep. Beep beep.
“Yes, I know I’m almost dead. Thanks for the reminder,” she mumbled. Blood continued to pour onto the cobblestones from her open wounds.
The orc lowered his weapon and grinned. “You fought well, but it’s over. Come quietly, and I won’t kill you. You may have the level advantage, but I still have plenty of health, while you are barely alive.”
Tasha spit at the ground in front of him. “I’ll never surrender to kidnappers like you! Death first!”