by Erik Rounds
“We did it!” said Kiwi, who was hugging Slimon happily. The last time she’d defeated the G-Rex, she was lucky to have survived. This time they attacked it head-on and won using strategy and wit.
Once everyone settled down from celebrating the victory, they collectively decided to call a lunch break. Kiwi removed some folding chairs and a collapsing picnic table from her inventory and set it up. Lunch was a light affair consisting of sandwiches, potato chips, and cheesecake for dessert, making it about a quarter the size of their breakfast.
As the luncheon wound down, Tasha was still engaged in conversation with the princess. They had been discussing the differences between this world and the world of players.
Kiwi looked at Tasha in shock over a bite of cheesecake. “So what you’re telling me is that when someone from your world eats food, they get fatter and lose agility?”
Tasha nodded. “More or less. We have to physically train our bodies to gain strength and agility, and if we eat too much of the wrong things, our bodies become out of shape and gain weight.”
“But… that’s utterly horrible! What manner of nightmarish universe do you come from?”
“Oh, it gets worse—gaining strength and agility isn’t enough. If you don’t physically exercise every day, those attributes diminish over time.”
“Oh, you poor thing!” she said, embracing Tasha in a deep hug. “I had no idea the world of players was such a horrible place.”
Tasha found herself wondering how food actually worked in Etheria. “Just to be sure, I can eat as much as I want and not gain weight, right?”
Kiwi swallowed a piece of cheesecake and answered, “Yes, that’s mostly correct. Excess calories from food restores health and mana. So long as you expend mana or lose health before eating, any extra calories from the food will be used to recover. I believe one mana point is about equal to a chocolate bar, which is why mages eat so much. I suppose if you kept eating but never expended any mana, you could gain weight, but that’s easy enough to avoid. Just cast some spells before eating.”
“In that case, I think I’ll have another piece of cheesecake. By the way, Kiwi, you and Slimon make a cute couple. How did you meet?”
Kiwi explained to Tasha how they had been friends since she was little and had grown closer throughout her long childhood. She told Tasha about how the two of them wanted to get married, but how her father wouldn’t allow it due to their “issues of fundamental reproductive incompatibility.”
“So you’re telling me you can’t marry Slimon because he reproduces through mitosis?” Tasha asked.
“That’s right. We’re searching for a way to have children together. The two of us have searched throughout all of Questgivria for a solution, but to no avail.”
“I know how you can do it,” Tasha said.
Kiwi’s face lit up. “Really? How?”
“Remember back at the council of nations yesterday? Your father was listing the contents of the Hallowed Chapel.”
“I remember, what of it?”
“Well, one of the items stored inside was the Crown of the Werehuman. It turns anyone into a human being during the full moon.”
“Yeah, I remember studying about. A truly horrific artifact. I shudder to even think about such a thing. What does that have to do with anything?”
“It’s simple. Once we make it to the Hallowed Chapel, Slimon can put on the crown.”
Kiwi looked confused. “That… would make him turn into a human once every month or so. How would that help?”
“Well, elves and humans are sexually compatible, right?”
“I suppose technically that’s true. Sorry, Tasha, but I don’t see where you’re going with this.”
Do I really need to spell this out for her? Tasha took a deep breath. “Once a month, when Slimon turns into a human, you can… copulate with him. That way you’ll be able to have children.”
It took a moment for Kiwi to fully process what Tasha had said. The idea of copulating with a human had simply never occurred to her. “So… you’re saying when Slimon turns into a human, we would…”
“…have sex,” Pan piped in helpfully. Ari shot her a dark look.
Princess Kiwi retched involuntarily. “S-sorry, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.”
“Oh, come on, we humans aren’t that disgusting, are we?”
“No! No, of course not. I’ve just never thought about… humans that way. No, you’re right. This could be the answer to all our problems. I… I’ll do it. For love! Thank you, Tasha. You might have just saved our future marriage.”
“Pffpt,” Slimon said.
“It’s no big deal,” Tasha said. She finished off her cheesecake and got to her feet. There wasn’t much time left, and they had monsters to kill.
Chapter 24
Twinklebottom’s Fury
Most of that afternoon and early evening was spent repeatedly trapping the G-Rex and killing it. They had successfully killed seven G-Rexes in total, and as a result Tasha had gained another two levels. The amount of level growth had gone down significantly, but it was still progress. She put four points into strength and another four into agility and claimed a heart container and a mana container.
Unfortunately, Tasha’s lucky streak wasn’t to continue for much longer. It was getting dark, and they decided to kill one more G-Rex before returning to the castle for the evening. At first things went the same as they had the last half dozen times they killed it, but this time Tasha made a mistake. Maybe it was because of the darkening sky, but she couldn’t see the boundaries of the pit.
After leading the G-Rex to the pit, Kiwi and Tasha dismounted from Denver, and Tasha ran up to the edge of the pit trap. Unfortunately, Tasha had lost sight of its edge and ran straight into it, snapping a branch under her foot and falling into the pit. The fall cost four heart containers and hurt like hell, but it wasn’t enough to kill her. She looked up and saw a faint sliver of light shining through the branches above.
“Oh shit!” Panicking, she jumped upward toward the edge of the pit. She could almost reach the top.
Ability Unlocked: Wall Climb (Level 0)
Type: Active ability
Improves your ability to climb vertical walls. You are 5% more likely to discover usable handholds.
She scrambled and scraped against the dirt wall but wasn’t able to get a grip on the edge. Instead she grabbed a fistful of dirt and fell back into the pit. Ari called out Tasha’s name in a panic.
A moment later, there was a large snapping noise, and an angry G-Rex tumbled into the hole, falling right toward her.
There wasn’t any pain from the impact—her death was instantaneous.
It was the second time that she had died, and like before, she found herself in a place devoid of sensation. For an uncertain amount of time, her body was formless and weightless. There was no air to breathe or lungs to process oxygen. After the initial panic attacks brought on by the inability to breathe, Tasha actually began to find the formlessness peaceful. Her perception of time was affected, and one moment blended with the next.
She didn’t know how much time had passed, but finally, she heard a soundless voice calling her name. It was her own voice, but different than she remembered it. She could make out the naked body of the woman before her. The apparition spoke the word “Tasha” a second time. Tasha looked into the woman’s eyes, and together they spoke her name one final time.
Then she regained consciousness. Tasha was wearing the familiar white loose-fitting shirt and a pair of short pants. Her armor was gone, and so was her gunblade. She felt different, like something about her had changed.
A hand reached out to take hers. Ari helped her off the save point.
“How do you feel, Tasha?” he asked, taking his hand back.
She shook her head, trying to clear it. “I feel… different than before. Guess I screwed up with the trap.”
“Don’t feel bad about that, Tasha. It could have happened to anyone,�
� Ari said, trying to console her.
“Next time,” Hermes added, “just be sure to remember where you put the trap.”
“Shut up, Hermes,” she said. “Ari, Thanks for being here when I came back to life. It means a lot.”
“Of course, Tasha.”
“Anyway, thanks, Ari. How did you get here? So… what happened after I died?”
“Well, we finished it off quickly once it fell, but it was too late. You were completely flattened. We all came here as fast as possible. I thought you use a friendly face once you respawned. Here.” He handed Tasha her gunblade.
Pan walked up to Tasha and gave her a quick hug before backing away.
“Thanks, Pan, but really, I’m okay. What about my armor?”
“Gone,” Pan said. “S-sorry.”
“It’s fine. I needed to buy some new armor anyway.”
Tasha rejoined the others and they started back toward the castle. That night they shared a dinner consisting of spaghetti noodles served with brontosaurus meatballs and tomato sauce. Tasha had always thought that elves were vegetarians but quickly abandoned that assumption.
Kiwi had already reached level 18, and Tasha was level 16. They were ahead of schedule, but given that the same mobs yielded less experience for higher-level adventurers, it was anyone’s guess whether they could really make level 20 in one day by fighting the G-Rex.
♦ ♦ ♦
The next morning, they set out early. Tasha had no problem waking up. She looked at her bedsheets in utter confusion. Why would she want to stay in bed when there were so many exciting things to do, monsters to kill, and foodstuffs to be eaten? Not even the lazy sleeper aspect of her personality had survived her resurrection. She wondered again about this stranger she had become. Waking up early? This wasn’t who she was at all.
She shook her head and joined her friends for a light breakfast before heading out into the city. Pan offered to join her for some armor shopping. Ari was off purchasing some restoratives and picking up the raptors.
One of the shops had a sign above it that read “Charlotte’s Armor.” It occurred to Tasha that a female armor maker might design armor that offered a more reasonable amount of body coverage. She didn’t really buy into the last armor seller’s explanation about minimizing coverage to preserve the armor’s durability.
Tasha entered the armor shop, and there before her was a woman with the body of a spider. Tasha froze in instinctive terror for an instant, but the moment subsided. The woman before her had the upper body of a human and the lower body of an arachnid. Her hair was long and silky white, and she was wearing a tank top.
“Is the human unwell?” asked the spider lady, concerned. She spoke with a heavy accent.
“I’m okay. S-sorry about that.” Her voice was shaking. She could deal with this. This spider wasn’t a threat; she just wanted to sell armor to her. Since when was Tasha arachnophobic? Another aspect of her new personality? She hoped that wasn’t the case.
“C-c-can I see some armor, please?” Her voice sounded broken, and she was stammering. Tasha needed to get control of herself.
“Okay,” said the proprietor. “Charlotte hopes her appearance isn’t upsetting to the human. Charlotte knows. Some humans fear our kind, but do not fear Charlotte. She will not harm the human, no.”
“I was just taken by surprise,” Tasha said still trembling. “I’m okay now. Sorry.”
“Good, good. Will the human kindly step into the parlor?”
Her parlor. Yeah. Why not? What could possibly go wrong?
So Tasha stepped into the spider’s parlor. It actually turned out to be quite cozy. Charlotte served some tea and biscuits to Tasha and Pan before getting down to business. Tasha was sitting in a cozy armchair, and Pan was in one next to her, gobbling up the snickerdoodles while playing a Japanese RPG on Tasha’s phone. Tasha’s hands were still shaking, but at least Pan seemed at ease. Pan was a native to Etheria and was probably used to seeing spider women all the time.
“What kind of armor would human prefer?,” she asked.
“Light armor. Something that improves my maneuverability. My stats are optimized for agility. If you have something that isn’t too revealing that would be better as well.”
“Charlotte has just the thing.,” she said and returned a moment later with a suit of spider silk armor.
“Charlotte made this one herself,” the spider woman said. Tasha wasn’t entirely sure whether that meant she produced the source material herself or just assembled it into armor. She focused on the stats:
Light Spidersilk Armor
Defense +25
Movement Speed +36
Style +40
Cost: 4800 GP
The stats were much nicer than her old chainmail bikini. It would boost her movement speed by a large amount and improve her defense as well.
“Can I try it on?”
“Yes, yes, try it on, human. If it doesn’t fit, Charlotte can adjust.”
She took the armor and opened her equipment menu. As she equipped the item, the clothing that she was wearing vanished to be replaced by a bodice and skirt. Both seemed to be made out of strands of silk webbing. The webbing wasn’t sticky, but was cordlike and molded itself to her body, accentuating her curves. The skirt was knee length and open on one side.
“I’ll take it,” she said. “I think it looks good, and I like the stats. I do have a question. There’s very little exposed area above the legs. The last armorer I visited said that they made armor that had as little coverage as possible in order to stop it from being damaged. This armor seems to have very little uncovered areas.”
The spider woman looked at her quizzically. “The proprietor of that armor shop, was he male?”
She remembered the elf who sold her the chainmail bikini. “Yes, he was.”
She laughed. “Well, that explains it. He’s not entirely wrong about the durability problem, and Charlotte can’t promise that it won’t get damaged, but spidersilk armor can be easily repaired. If it is damaged, bring it back to Charlotte, yes?”
She paid the spider lady her 4800 GP for the armor and another 300 GP for a good pair of shoes to replace the ones that had been flattened.
Pan and Tasha headed to the stables at the city entrance. Tasha collected Denver and met her friends by the city gates.
Ari walked up to her. “You look… amazing.”
“Th-thanks, Ari. Do you really think I’m pretty?”
“Uh, yeah,” Ari said, looking away. “Anyway, we should head out.”
The party returned to the place where they were the day before. To the place where she had died. There was no sign of her corpse, for which she was grateful. Kiwi had incinerated her corpse after everything of value was removed from it. In Etheria, it was generally good practice not to allow your own corpses to remain for too long.
That morning they continued hunting G-Rexes. After killing two more, it became clear that they no longer needed the trap. The Ginormasaurus Rex was no longer the insurmountable challenge that it had been just days before. They started hunting the spawns together as a group.
They killed six more G-Rexes before returning, and Tasha had gained another two levels, bringing her up to level 18. The rate of level gain had gone down considerably because the amount of experience gained from each kill was reduced as she leveled up. XP gain was a function of the person’s level compared to the mob’s.
Tasha evenly divided her stat points between strength and precision. So far she had barely put anything into precision, and many of her fireballs ended up missing the target entirely. She took one additional heart and one mana container. She opened up her stat page:
Tasha Singleton (Level 18 Couch Potato)
Race
Human (Player)
Subclass
None
Weapon
Namaka (ATK 5)
Armor
Light Spidersilk Armor (DEF 25 Mag DEF 5)
Sturdy Travel Shoes (DEF 2)
<
br /> Heart Containers
11/11
Mana Containers
12/12
Amusement Index
8.6
Strength
17
Intelligence
15
Agility
22
Precision
10
Charisma
15
ATK
20
MAG ATK
14
DEF
40
MAG DEF
16
Tasha considered looking for stronger enemies, but the sun was already starting to set, and it was time to return to the castle. Unfortunately, fate had other plans in store for them.
As the party traveled toward the castle astride their velociraptor mounts, they were ambushed by a small army of ninjas. There were over a hundred shinobi, each astride a raptor. They surrounded the party in a circle, cutting off any escape.
“I was afraid of this,” said Kiwi. The idea that her assailants would give up their target was far too optimistic.
The combat menu had appeared on the corner of Tasha’s vision. She read the opponents’ data, scrolling through the list of enemies.
“It says we have a hundred and five enemy ninjas. Most are between level 5 and level 8, and the highest of them are level 31.”
Pan looked anxious. Tasha didn’t blame her.
Hermes equipped his machine-gun arm, saying, “It’s time for some payback! Let’s kill them all.”
A small winged fairy woman dressed in a ninja outfit flew up to Princess Kiwi. “Hello again, princess. You may have escaped my idiot subordinates before, but you won’t find me as easy an opponent. Your days of freedom are ov— Wait a minute, is that slime thing over there your true love? He’s the guy you were singing love songs about back at the tower? Holy crap, that’s really weird.”