by Erik Rounds
“Ah, Gelkorus. I’ve just received word that Princess Kiwistafel was seen in a farm just outside of Slime’s Row. Have it burned to the ground at once. Send our most powerful death knights to capture the princess and kill her insignificant friends.”
“As you command.”
“No, wait! I’ve just changed my mind.”
“My queen?”
“All right, Gelkorus, I’ve come up with a new plan. Here’s what I want you to do. Send out waves of mercenaries to kill her and her friends. Begin with weak assassins to start, but then send incrementally higher level waves of fighters.”
“Okay… may I be permitted to ask the logic behind this action?”
“You may.”
“What is the logic behind this action?”
“I’m going to level up Princess Kiwi and her friends. The best way to do that is by sending waves of disposable soldiers.”
“I… see,” said Gelkorus, who in reality didn’t see at all.
“Let me spell this out for you. Our intel suggests that the princess might be the bearer for the Orb of Life. That means that she is the only one who can remove it from where it rests atop the Spiral Tower. Trust me, I’ve tried to remove it from the tower myself, but it resists my efforts. She’s going to get it for us, which means we need to level her up so she can survive the tower. That way, I’ll capture her and the orb at the same time. Oh ho ho ho!”
Gelkorus never really knew exactly how to act when the queen was laughing maniacally. Sometimes she asked him to join in, and other times she incinerated people who laughed without being asked, so he just stood there looking uncomfortable until she finished. Unlike the bad-news-giver he had sent ahead of him, Gelkorus had no interest in dying.
“I’ll just go see about sending out those assassins then, shall I?”
“Yes, you go do that,” said Queen Murderjoy. “Just make sure not to make them strong enough to actually kill the princess but not too weak either.”
“One question, my queen. Why do you want the Orb of Life? You wouldn’t be able to use it.”
“Two reasons,” Murderjoy said. “For one thing, sometimes victory means denying power to your enemy. I may not be able to use it now, but if it is in my possession, then the elves won’t be able to use it either.”
“I see. And the other reason?”
“I plan to kidnap Princess Kiwistafel. Once she is in my control and properly motivated, I’ll be able to use the orb by using her as a proxy. Now, go and see about those assassins.”
That would be a difficult challenge, since Gelkorus had no idea what level the princess was currently at. Maybe he would start by sending underpowered troops and have them report on her level.
He bowed and left the throne room. K’her’s pitiful display still left a bad taste in Queen Murderjoy’s mouth. She needed to unwind. She could do with a vacation. Maybe when this countdown business was over she would go on a cruise.
Getting up from her throne, the queen decided to pay a visit to the New Arrival Orientation and Reeducation Center to murder some elves for their XP. That always cheered her up. Hopefully it would help put the sad memory of K’her’s fall behind her.
♦ ♦ ♦
The fairy ninja Trista Twinklebottom reclined in her glass of vodka martini. The nice thing about being as small as she was that she was an unbelievably cheap drunk. She could spend the entire afternoon relaxing in a single glass of alcohol. Today, however, not even a martini bath could calm her nerves.
She leaned over the edge of the glass, hugging the olive like it was a teddy bear. “Why ish that prinsesh so late? She has to come here to get to the Shpiral Tower, right? Right?”
One of the ninjas held up a beer to his face mask as though ready to take a drink, but he set it back on the bar’s counter instead. “Yeah, boss, we checked the maps. They’ll have to come through here. The steam train is the only way through the Uncrossable Veldt.”
“It’s not fair,” the fairy lamented as she gulped down another handful of vodka martini. She let out a loud burp. “We go to all tha trouble of shetting up an ambush, and she can’t do us the courtesy of showing up.
“And that human lady getsh me so… mad! She humiliated me. When I get me handsh on her, I’m gonna murder her to death.”
The ninja she was speaking to set his now empty beer bottle back on the counter. He signaled to the dwarven bartender for another.
“Boss!” said a voice from outside the bar. It was a female ninja garbed in pink. “A swallow has just arrived from Queen Murderjoy.”
“Yeah?” said Twinklebottom. “Jusht tell that queeny woman to keep her panties on. We’re working as fasht as we can. Ashashins like us can’t rush things. We need to wait until they get here.”
“No, boss, the queen is canceling the contract. She no longer wants us to capture the princess.”
“What? She can’t do that! Can she do that? She can’t! A deal is a deal. If we cansheled the contract, I wouldn’t get to murder that shtupid human.”
“So… we just keep waiting here then?” the ninja lady asked.
“They’ll get here shoon. I’ll teach’em fer making me wait.”
The fairy put the olive behind her head like a pillow and shut her eyes. As long as she was waiting she might as well enjoy it.
Chapter 33
Slimewater
Princess Kiwistafel was in the midst of a heated argument with the bored post office employee. His half-finished novel sat open and facedown on the table. Tasha hated when people treated books like that. Earmarking a book was fine, but leaving it open like that would damage the cover, and the pages would never be the same.
“Listen, Princess, I’ve told you over and over that our swallows can’t carry large objects. It would weigh the bird down. A five-ounce bird cannot carry a one-pound orb.”
The princess slammed her hands down on the counter, shocking the post office worker and thereby attaining his full attention. “Listen, the fate of the world may depend on your ability to send this package. I’m the princess, and I order you to find a way to get it to my father at Brightwind Keep.”
“Yeah, the princess of Questgivria. Guess what, princess, we’re not in Questgivria. You don’t have any actual authority here, now do you?”
Tasha looked away from the poor mistreated book and offered a suggestion. “Well, what if several swallows carried the orb at once? They could hold it on a line.”
The bored man scratched his chin. He wanted these annoying adventurers and princesses to leave so he could get back to his book. “That might work, actually, but it’s still against policy, and I’m not risking my job just because some random princess says the world is in danger.”
After several more minutes of arguing with the man, they left the post office. Princess Kiwi turned to the steam dragon. “Well, Kaze, it seems that our only remaining choice is to send you. I’m sorry, but this is where we part company. Will you carry the Orb of Air to my father at Brightwind Keep?”
The dragon thought-spoke to her. His words were projected into her subconscious as well as the minds of everyone in earshot. I will, you have my word. Thank you for letting me be a part of your adventure, even if only for a little while.
“Say hi to Hermes when you see him.”
I will, Princess.
Kiwi secured the bag that held the Orb of Air to a cord around the dragon’s neck. Kaze flapped his wings, lifting off into the air, and he began his trip toward the castle. His travel time would be measured in days rather than the months that it would have taken on foot.
The remainder of the group mounted up and left town through the eastern gate in the covered wagon that Slimon had acquired for them. They rode at a steady pace for about eight or nine hours each day. The road allowed the party to make better time, but they weren’t leveling up. This was why they spent a few hours each day fighting mobs off the main road. That and it helped break up the monotony.
Movie nights had resumed. They were slow
ly making their way through Tasha’s Netflix library. As a couch potato, this offered Tasha no small amount of comfort. There were few joys as simple and enjoyable as rewatching the campiest science fiction she could find surrounded by good friends.
Everything was going smoothly until one fateful day, when there was an incident between Slimon and the princess.
It all started when Slimon said, “Pfffpt.”
Well, naturally Kiwi was aghast at his words. “How could you say such a thing?”
Slimon, however, held his ground. “Pfffpt.”
Kiwi looked away, tears forming in her eyes. “It’s as though I don’t even know you anymore.”
“What did he say?” Tasha asked.
“I’m not saying it out loud,” said Kiwi. “Pan, will you tell Slimon that I’m not speaking to him?”
“Slimon,” Pan said, “K-Kiwi says she’s not speaking to you.”
“Pfffpt.”
Pan turned to the princess and said, “Kiwi, Slimon said…”
“I heard him just fine!” The princess crossed her arms and made a point of not looking at him.
It occurred to Tasha that maybe she should finally learn to speak Slimish. She’d been traveling with the guy for months and still couldn’t understand a single thing that the slime said.
“Hey, Slimon, will you help teach me your language? We seem to have the free time, and being able to communicate without an interpreter would be helpful.”
“Pfffpt!”
“Is that a yes or a no?”
“We’d be glad to teach you,” Ari said. “We’ll start right away, if that’s okay with you.”
“Sure! Fair warning, though, I’ve never had much luck learning other languages.”
Ari grinned at her naiveite. “Slimon isn’t speaking another language. He’s speaking English.”
“Really? It doesn’t sound like English. I can only make out a few distinct sounds.”
“Well, they do have their own language, but when in the presence of other races, they switch to English. When elves and humans form words, they string together syllables by making different sounds. Slimes do the same thing, but rather than making different sounds, they move their gelatinous bodies in time with the sounds. The Slime dialect consists of 207 unique phonemes that can combine to form nearly any English word. Once you learn them, understanding slime speech is easy.”
Tasha frowned. “So this entire time Slimon has been speaking using body language.”
“That’s right. The sound they make is just a timing mechanism to separate words and draw emphasis. Let’s start with something easy. Slimon, say ‘Tasha.’”
“Phhhpt!” said Slimon. This time Tasha was watching him and noticed that his oval body shifted when he spoke. His upper body formed a small cone pointed toward the left for just a moment, and then his body bobbed while a small downward pointed ridge formed along his midsection.
“Now say the first syllable ‘Ta,’” Ari said.
The cone formed for a moment and then vanished. She wouldn’t have noticed it if she hadn’t been watching.
“Now ‘sha.’”
His body bobbed, forming the ridge she had seen earlier.
“We’ll start with the major phonemes, and we’ll get you to the point where you can understand some common phrases. Slimon, while she’s learning, I’d like you to speak slower so she can recognize the different phonemes.”
Slimon wiggled his body and formed several points saying, “Pffpt… Pfft.”
They spent most of that day going through each of the phonemes, and then Ari had her memorize certain phrases. By the end of the first day she was able to recognize a handful of phrases like, “Hello,” “Goodbye,” “How much for that bag?,” and “Which way is the Porta-Potty?” They trained her comprehension of Slimon’s method of speech by playing games of Slimon Says. As the days wore on she continued to memorize each of the phonemes and began to recognize certain words and phrases when Slimon was speaking.
By the time Kiwi and Slimon had finally made up from their lover’s quarrel, Tasha still had no idea what they had been arguing about in the first place. It was good to see them getting along again.
The journey across the slime nation took just over six weeks of travel. She had made it to level 29 through their intermittent level grinds. Her studies of the Slime dialect had improved considerably. She could now understand Slimon when he was speaking at a regular pace.
By the time she considered herself fluent in the Slimish dialect of English, the group had arrived at the gates of Slimewater.
As they crossed through the city gates, Kiwi said, “We’ve reached the edge of the Slime nation. The Uncrossable Veldt lies between us and the Bog of Most Likely Death, wherein lies our destination, the Spiral Tower. From here Dwarselvania lies to the north and the continent of Zhakara to the southeast.”
“So… do we try to cross the veldt, then?” asked Tasha.
“Are you mad?” Ari said. “One does not simply walk through the Uncrossable Veldt! That’s why they call it uncrossable. How is that not obvious? Crossing it on foot has never been done.”
“Why not? Why can’t it be crossed?”
“The Uncrossable Veldt has scaling mobs,” he said. “No matter how high level someone gets, the mobs will always have at least twice that level. I’ve heard that it contains vast treasures, but nobody survives long enough to explore it. The only mob repellents that work are temporary ones like portable campgrounds, and there are no roads.”
“So if we can’t cross it on foot, how do we get to the other side?”
“We’ll take the Belcross Express, of course,” Kiwi said. “It is a railway of dwarven design and manufacture. The train tracks run from one side of the veldt to the other. It travels so fast that by the time mobs spawn, it has already moved far out of range. Laying the tracks was expensive and took decades, but it allows easy travel and trade between Dwarselvania and the Slime Federation.”
“Let’s do that, then. I’ve never actually ridden on a train before.”
They sold the carriage and made their way to the train station. An elderly gnome with large spectacles was manning the ticket booth.
“Good day,” Ari said. “When is the express train leaving?”
“The next train leaves tonight at sundown,” the gnome said. “Will that be three adults and one child?”
“Yes, plus one raptor and three riding chickens.”
Princess Kiwi pulled out an amulet bearing the royal insignia. She’d been roughing it since leaving home and had decided that enough was enough. “I am Princess Kiwistafel Questgiver, daughter of Iolo Questgiver. Make them first-class tickets. The crown will be paying for this.”
“What happened to going incognito?” Tasha whispered to her. “I thought we were trying to keep our identities secret.”
“By this time tomorrow, we’ll be a thousand miles away on the other side of the Uncrossable Veldt. I don’t know about you, but I could use a break from roughing it.”
“I hope you’re right about that.”
The gnome sighed. “Your animals will have to ride in the livestock cars. That will be… 14,200 GP for all of you. I’ll send the bill to the kingdom then, Your Highness.”
Pan pointed at a row of shops. “Shopping?”
Ari nodded. “We’re running critically short on food and health potions as well.”
“Of course,” said Kiwi. “We still have a few hours before the train arrives. Let’s go get what we need.”
They left the station together. Unnoticed by the group, a small fairy peeked over the edge of the fruit cocktail she had been napping in. An evil grin crossed her face. Her long wait had finally come to fruition.
Chapter 34
The Undocumented Perils of Dwarven Death Whisky
After taking care to ensure that Denver and the riding chickens were safely stowed in the livestock car, Tasha and company were ushered into the train. She’d never ridden first class before, even whe
n traveling by airplane back on Earth. She had always considered it to be a waste of money. It didn’t seem worth doubling or even tripping the price of the ticket in exchange for a few hours of slightly less discomfort.
A human stewardess welcomed them onboard and led them to their suites. Ari, Pan, and Tasha shared one suite while Slimon and the princess occupied the next room. There were three couches that folded out into beds as well as a fully stocked wet bar, which Ari and Tasha took full advantage of.
Pan was examining the new weapon she had bought in town. It was a dwarven-made fully automatic machine gun. She had so taken to the handgun she’d bought from the NPC those many weeks back that she wanted to complement it with a second firearm. Since Slimewater was so close to the edges of dwarven territory, she was able to get the weapon at a reasonable price.
The weapon was more elaborate and decorated than strictly necessary. There seemed to be a friendly competition between the dwarves and the elves when it came to decorating their implements of death.
At first Tasha had reservations about the wisdom of allowing a child to hold a machine gun, pointing out the myriad of things that could easily go wrong with that combination. She was surprised that Ari, who was normally the most level-headed member of the group, had no problem with it. Etherians learned to handle weapons at an early age and quickly learned the dangers of their misuse.
Unfortunately, there wasn’t time for Pan to learn how to actually use the weapon prior to the trip. She would have to make time for it once the train reached its destination the next day.
Rummaging through the different bottles of alcohol, Tasha picked out a green-tinted one with some dwarven writing on it. She couldn’t actually read the letters but had been in Etheria long enough to know that the rune script was dwarven. She performed a scan on it and found that it was called Dwarven Death Whisky. This was the same drink that Ari had told her about before back at the castle. She hadn’t indulged at the time, but she was a different person then. Maybe she would try it now. Just a sip. What was the worst that could happen?