by Janice Lynn
See why he couldn’t be near her? His hand was still on her elbow.
When they reached the elevator, Kenzie pulled her elbow from his grasp. “Where are we going?”
“To the cafeteria. When’s the last time you ate something?”
She gave him a blank look.
“That’s what I thought. Even though it’s essentially a waiting game to see if Sawyer responds to the medication we’re giving her, I imagine you’re planning to stay close tonight.”
McKenzie nodded.
“Let’s get something in you so you don’t get run down and end up picking up a bug yourself.”
For a moment he thought she was going to tell him that whether or not she got run down wasn’t any of his business, but instead, she sighed. “I wouldn’t mind a cup of coffee.”
Despite the tension between them, he couldn’t help grinning.
“What?”
“You and your coffee.”
“Just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean it’s not amazing stuff.”
“Apparently.”
When they arrived at the mostly empty hospital cafeteria, they went through the line, each purchasing a few items before they sat down at a table together.
“How is your family?”
“Good. They’ve asked about you.”
Ryder looked at her in surprise. Not that her family had asked about him, but that she was telling him.
“I told Mark the truth. He was livid I’d felt the need to bring a pretend boyfriend home, but admitted he also understood why I had, and, on second thought, he thought it brilliant.”
“Your brother is a good guy.” He’d truly liked the pilot.
“Most days.” McKenzie sighed. “He said the same thing about you.”
“That I was a good guy?”
Pulling the top off a yogurt cup, she nodded. “He said you had to be a good guy to agree to be my pretend boyfriend.”
“It wasn’t so bad.”
“But not that good, either?”
Ryder met her gaze. Was she talking sex? Because she’d been there, knew sex between them had been beyond good.
She glanced down. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have asked that.”
Let it go, he ordered himself, but couldn’t. “I’m curious. Why shouldn’t you have asked?”
She took a deep breath. “Because, in spite of everything that happened, you’re back to avoiding me.”
There was that. That she sounded hurt gutted him. He didn’t want to hurt her. Not ever.
“Things are complicated,” he admitted, searching for the right words and not sure it was possible to find them.
“If we hadn’t had sex, would you feel differently?”
Sex with McKenzie had been life-altering, but it wasn’t the sex he missed most. Yes, he wanted her, to kiss her and make love to her sweet body over and over.
But it was her smile, her wit, the way when her gaze met his he knew what she was thinking, the way when she laughed his insides filled with joy, that he missed most.
Which made him a fool. He’d have sworn he’d learned his lesson with Anna and would never let his emotions get caught in a rebound relationship again.
How wrong he’d been.
“No, McKenzie,” he admitted, giving a humorless snort at the irony of the situation. Had he really thought he could be her pretend boyfriend without ramifications? “If we’d not had sex, I’d feel the same.”
Which was the unfortunate truth.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
MCKENZIE STAYED AT the hospital that night.
Sawyer remained stable on life support but showed no sign of improvement. They were keeping her lightly sedated to decrease tissue oxygen demand and to make tolerating the ventilation easier, so the baby hadn’t regained consciousness.
Not that she necessarily would have anyway.
Sawyer’s parents had also stayed at the hospital all night. McKenzie liked the couple, watched them a bit enviously as they comforted each other at the depth of their daughter’s illness.
Had Ryder’s parents once sat in a hospital room watching over their ill daughter, knowing only a miracle would keep them from losing her? A miracle that hadn’t come.
No. No. No. She wasn’t going to think of him.
Nothing about the man made sense.
She just needed to stay away from him.
She was on her way out to the parking garage when her phone dinged. For one crazy moment she wondered if it was Ryder. If he’d had second thoughts and realized sex between them had changed everything.
You’re crazy, girl. Sex doesn’t change things for guys. Not outside romantic movies.
Besides, she didn’t want to be hurt again. Three strikes and you were out, right? Clay and Paul had already done their numbers on her heart. She wouldn’t give Ryder the chance.
Once inside her car, she pulled out her phone, expecting to see a message from the hospital or even Reva as they’d texted and called several times.
What she hadn’t expected was to see a text from Paul.
* * *
“I’ve missed you.”
Hello. McKenzie’s eyes widened at Paul’s admission. She took a sip of her wine because she didn’t know what to say.
What she couldn’t say was that she’d missed him.
Ryder on the other hand...nope, she wasn’t going there.
“I was hoping you’d say you’d missed me too,” he said, giving a nervous laugh. “Maybe just a little?”
McKenzie was saved by the waiter bringing their meals and her making a pretense of being starved as she dug into her sweet potato.
McKenzie wrapped her lips around her fork and eyed her ex. He truly was a handsome man. A good man.
But her heart didn’t do somersaults when she looked at him.
Not like... Ugh, there she went again.
“I made a mistake, McKenzie. I’m not sure what I was thinking breaking things off. I think I just hoped our being apart for a while would make you ready for us to begin the next phase of our lives.”
That got her attention.
“What next phase of our lives?”
“Marriage, kids, you know.”
“That’s a cop-out, Paul. We’d discussed marriage.”
“Always in the terms of way off in the future. I’d been trying to pin you down on wedding plans for months and you kept putting me off.”
She didn’t recall any major discussions about getting married, just vague ones about someday. She’d been good with someday as she’d not been ready to slow down on her workload.
“There was no rush,” she admitted.
“Don’t you think there should have been? That you should have been excited about being my wife?”
McKenzie opened her mouth to deny his claim. She had been...or had she?
She’d started dating Paul after her mother’s signing her up for that speed dating event. Had she fallen into their relationship for convenience? Continued seeing him because he was a good man—comfortable?
“You never let yourself fully get on board with our relationship, and I always felt it,” he continued. “I always wondered if it was that other guy, the one before me, but I can’t help but wonder if he didn’t run into the same wall I did. That you refuse to let yourself love.”
That was a joke. She loved. She’d loved Clay. She’d loved Paul. She’d loved Ryder. They’d all been the ones to leave.
She’d loved Ryder? That one had her pausing. She hadn’t loved Ryder. She’d...
Her gaze met Paul’s.
A whole lot of realizations swamped her. Realizations that she had cared deeply for Clay, for the man sitting across from her, but she hadn’t been in love with either.
But she had been in love.
Was in love.<
br />
With a man as emotionally inaccessible as...as she’d been to the man she was dining with.
And yet...
“I—I’m sorry, Paul.” She folded her napkin. “You’re a good man, but if tonight is about us getting back together, it’s not going to happen.”
Just being content, comfortable in a relationship, was overrated, and not something she’d ever settle for again.
* * *
McKenzie strolled through Pike Place Market, stopping at one vendor’s booth, then another, pausing to watch workers toss a purchased fish, then meandering over to her favorite coffee shop to buy a cup of pick-me-up.
Coffee soon finished, she stopped at a booth, bought a gorgeous bouquet.
It was only a few short blocks to her condo, but rather than go straight home, McKenzie headed down to the pier, traveling past a couple of cruise ships as she headed in the direction of the aquarium. She enjoyed each step, breathing in the seaside air, embracing the wind against her face.
She truly loved this city. Eventually, it was possible she’d move back to Nashville, but other than her family being so far away, her life was in Seattle.
McKenzie paused when she came to the pier, walked out onto the decking, and wondered if she’d see any seals.
Leaning against the railing, she watched a fishing boat in the distance, listened to seagulls calling, the sounds of the city behind her, sounds of the harbor before her.
Having the day off work was nice but meant zero chance of bumping into Ryder.
She closed her eyes, breathed in the sea air.
She planned to talk to him. To tell him everything in her heart.
Ryder was worth taking a chance that he’d tell her he didn’t want a relationship. Worth risking having her heart shattered down the line if he was willing to give them a chance.
Ryder was worth facing her fears, worth risking heartbreak, worth being dumped a third time.
McKenzie’s heartbeat sped up and she gripped her bouquet tighter as she stared out over the water.
Was Ryder at the hospital? Home? Somewhere else?
He didn’t live that far away. She could walk the few blocks but seeing him was too imperative to go on a wild goose chase.
Taking her phone from her pocket, she dialed his number.
When he answered, her heart soared.
“You’ve heard the good news?”
The good news was that he’d answered his phone. Hearing his voice set endorphins off that had her smiling despite how nervous she was to have called him.
“Sawyer’s white blood cell count is nine thousand.” Excitement filled his voice at the baby’s normal lab value. “I took her off the vent and she’s holding her own.”
“Oh, wow!” she said, getting distracted by what he’d said. “That is good news.” All her patients were special, but Sawyer was more so, probably because of the connection with Ryder. “You’re at the hospital?”
“I was until about an hour ago,” he told her. “I came home to grab a shower and something to eat. I’ll probably head back that way later this evening.”
He was home.
McKenzie began walking in the direction of his apartment.
“That’s great about Sawyer,” she said, clutching her flowers in one hand and her phone to her ear with the other. “I know the Littles must be ecstatic.”
“They are. Hopefully, if Sawyer continues to improve, she can go home in a few days.”
“I’ll swing by to check on her when I’m at the hospital tomorrow, and to say hi to the Littles.”
“Sounds good.” Silence then. “Is everything okay?”
“I’ve been at Pike Place,” she told him, not wanting him to end the call. Not when hearing his voice motivated her feet to move faster. “For once, there’s not a cloud in sight and the sunshine is absolutely gorgeous. I’d say, everything is wonderful.”
At least, she hoped it would soon be.
* * *
A little confused by McKenzie’s call, Ryder hung up his phone and put it on his bathroom counter.
She’d caught him just after he’d gotten out of the shower. He’d been standing there, towel-dried hair, towel around waist, talking to her as if they were old friends.
He blamed his excitement over Sawyer’s improvement.
But he could just as easily have blamed his excitement on hearing McKenzie’s voice.
Ryder finished drying off, went to his bedroom and pulled out a pair of sweats to go for a run.
Running cleared his head.
After talking with McKenzie, his head needed clearing. He missed her.
Despite his still damp hair, he pulled a T-shirt over his head, then grabbed socks and shoes.
Just as he was tying his tennis shoes, his door buzzer rang.
“It’s me, McKenzie.”
Ryder’s hands shook. McKenzie was outside his apartment building, wanting to be let inside.
“That’s not a good idea.”
“Ryder, I’m not going anywhere until we talk. Let me in.”
“By the hair on your chinny-chin-chin?” Because her threatening to huff and puff and blow away his best intentions wouldn’t surprise him. She had the power.
“There’s no hair on my chin,” she countered, sounding so indignant he grinned in spite of his inner turmoil.
“The code is seven, seven, six, seven.” Immediately, he regretted giving her access to get into the building.
They didn’t need to be in his apartment. Alone. He couldn’t be trusted to keep a straight mind.
Only when she knocked and he opened the door, meaning to go outside the apartment and suggest they go for a walk, she smiled so brilliantly at him he forgot everything, including how to breathe.
“Hello, Ryder,” she said as she stepped around him and into his living area. “Nice place.”
Closing his apartment door, he turned, blinked at where she was taking in his home. “What are you doing here?”
She gave a lopsided smile. “I’d think that obvious. I came to talk to you.”
“We just talked on the phone.” Noticing what she was holding, his forehead scrunched. “Nice flowers. Are they for me?”
She glanced down at the multicolored bouquet, then laughed. “That would be fitting under the circumstances. Here.”
She held them out toward him, but Ryder didn’t move to take them. “What circumstances? Why are you at my apartment, McKenzie?”
“You aren’t going to make this easy, are you?” She took a deep breath. “Ryder Andrews, I’m crazy about you, miss you like mad and am here to ask you an important question.”
She really had gone mad.
“Will you be my boyfriend this weekend? Only, this time, for real?”
* * *
Okay, so not what McKenzie had planned. At all. She’d thought she had everything straight on what she’d say, but then she’d seen him, and all she’d really wanted to do was throw her arms around him and tell him how much she’d missed him.
“McKenzie,” he began, looking torn. “You know how I feel.”
“Actually, I don’t know how you feel,” she interrupted, waving the flowers at him. “What I know is that because you got hurt in your relationship with Anna, you’re unwilling to have a real relationship with me.”
“Give me those,” he said, taking the flowers from her. “You’re making me uncomfortable.”
“Good.”
“Uncomfortable is good?”
He looked so confused McKenzie almost laughed.
“Absolutely.”
“You’ve lost me.”
But she hadn’t. She could see it in his gorgeous eyes, in the way that they followed her every move. She really did make him uncomfortable in the most wonderful way possible.
“Don’t you see,
Ryder? If I made you comfortable, none of this would matter. You wouldn’t be torn about your feelings for me. The past wouldn’t matter in connection to me and you wouldn’t have felt the need to avoid me.” A light clicked. “That’s always why you’ve avoided me. Because I’m uncomfortable.”
The truth bubbled inside her. How could she not have realized?
“None of this comfortable/uncomfortable stuff matters, McKenzie. I’m not willing to have a relationship with you.”
“We already have a relationship. One that started when we met and got put on hold until I asked you to go away with me.”
“As your pretend boyfriend.”
“The only thing pretend about that weekend was what we were telling ourselves. Everyone saw the truth, but us.”
“What truth would that be?”
“That we’re meant for each other.”
Ryder closed his eyes and groaned. “You’re here to torment me, aren’t you?”
His words caused her a moment of doubt, but then she reminded herself that he was using what happened with Anna in an attempt to shut her out.
“Possibly. I had dinner with Paul last night. He wanted to get back together.”
Ryder’s expression darkened. “Then why are you here? With flowers?”
She moved closer to him. “I don’t want to get back together with Paul. Or Clay.”
* * *
The last time Ryder had bared his heart hadn’t ended well.
Because the woman he’d been baring his soul to had been in love with another man.
“This isn’t easy for me, either, you know?” McKenzie jabbed her finger against his chest. Would she keep doing so if she realized how each touch sent shockwaves of awareness through him?
“I’ve been dumped by every serious relationship I’ve ever been in,” she continued. “Someday, you may do the same, but I’ve realized that someday might not ever come and wouldn’t that be a beautiful thing if it didn’t?”
Meaning he might not ever dump her.
“I wouldn’t.”
She stared up into his eyes. “Deep down I believe that, Ryder. It’s why I’m here. Because, not so long ago, I thought three strikes and I was out, but in reality it’s third time is the charm.”