by M. E. Parker
“I … Chance—”
I interrupted him. “No, listen. When I got back inside, Travis called me out on my bullshit. And he asked me, ‘What’s the worst thing that could happen if Daryl knew I was gay?’ And it took me a minute to get to the real answer, but the answer was that the worst thing that could happen was my father finding out. It just sort of hit me then. He already knew. He figured it out when I was sixteen. He pretends now. I pretend. He pretends to be proud of me, but I know he’s not proud of me, he’s proud of who I pretend to be. I’m not proud of him. I haven’t been for a very long time. The truth is, I can hardly stand to be around him. So, when Travis asked, ‘What’s the worst thing that could happen if my dad knew?’ I realized that things couldn’t get much worse between us.”
I kissed him again on the top of the head. “I also realized that you’re all that matters and that I didn’t want to lose you.”
Andy jerked his head back. “Chance—I didn’t want this. I didn’t want you to feel like you had to come out for me. I wanted you to be ready.”
I kissed him on the lips. “Are you not listening to me? I am ready. It doesn’t have anything to do with what you want. I don’t want to pretend anymore. I want to be able to take my boyfriend to End Zone and Wild Orchid. I want to be the one to dance with you. And I want to tell my parents. I can’t take it anymore. Will you go to Wytheville with me tomorrow morning? I want to do it tomorrow.”
Andy propped his head up with his fist. “Are you sure, Chance?”
“I couldn’t be more sure. Will you go?”
He leaned down and kissed me. “Of course, I’ll go.”
“Does this mean you’re not breaking up with me?”
Andy laughed. “I don’t know. You did wink at that girl tonight on the stairs. I remember it clearly.”
“Oh my god, that was not an ‘I’m flirting’ kind of wink,” I teased.
He smiled. “Oh, yeah? What kind of wink was it then?”
Laughing, I reached up and touched his nose. “It was a ‘my boyfriend’s drunk and I’ve got to get him home, but I can’t say it out loud or he’ll get all sassy’ kind of wink.”
His cheeks turned pink. “That’s not a kind of wink.”
I pulled him closer to me and kissed him again and laughed. “Actually, it is. I didn’t know it existed until tonight, but it was definitely that kind of wink.”
His face grew serious. “Are you nervous about tomorrow?”
“Yeah, I am. But I want to get it over with, so we can just be together, you know, without pretending.”
“What about football?”
I shrugged. “It might suck. But I can deal. Travis has my back. Whatever happens, happens. It’s not the most important thing in my life anymore.” I meant it. I knew it, without a doubt; Andy was the most important thing in my life.
Chapter Twenty-One
Andy
Warning to self: excessive drinking during crucial life events is not advised.
Even after Chance explained why he had decided it was time for him to come out, I still wondered how he managed to go from pretending to barely know me at End Zone, to deciding he wanted the world to know about us in a matter of hours. Maybe I would’ve understood it better had I stopped drinking and listened to Chance when he first showed up at Wild Orchid.
As happy as I was that Chance was ready to take this step, I was still worried. I was worried he wasn’t really ready. Coming out would be different for Chance than it was for me. To say that his father wouldn’t be supportive was an understatement. Besides that, there was the football team. Maybe Travis was cool about it, but I wondered how many of his teammates were like Daryl White. I was worried. I was worried for his safety. I was worried that he’d regret it. And most of all, I was worried that he’d realize that I wasn’t worth it and then resent me.
He’d fallen asleep. I wasn’t sure how long we’d held each other before he’d nodded off. We’d just laid there in each other’s arms until his breathing evened out. I reached over to the nightstand and turned out the light. I couldn’t sleep. I lay awake thinking about all the things I should say to him the next morning.
I must’ve finally fallen asleep, because I woke up the next morning to a stream of light peeking through the curtains of my bedroom window. He was lying on his side and I was clinging to his back for dear life. My right arm was pinned under his neck and my left arm was wrapped around his chest. I couldn’t help but move my fingers over his nipple. He groaned when I pinched it between my forefinger and thumb. I’d never wanted anyone the way I wanted Chance.
My dick throbbed as it rested between the cheeks of his perfect ass.
“Ahh … fuck, Andy. I want you inside me,” he whispered. I reached behind me and pulled out a bottle of lube from the nightstand drawer. As I ran my slick fingers over his tight hole, he moaned. “More. Don’t tease me, monkey,” he said as he raised his leg to give me better access. I pushed two fingers into him. I knew how he liked it.
A minute later I was sliding inside him from behind.
“Oh god, baby, it’s so good, you feel so good inside me.” I kissed and licked his back as I fucked him from behind.
“You feel good,” I whispered, as I moved lazily in and out of him. I moved my hand to his cock and stroked him until he came. I came a few seconds later, wishing our morning sex could last forever.
He turned his head towards me and devoured my mouth and pulled away.
“I love—god, I love how that feels,” he said, catching his breath. “I’ll never get enough of you, monkey.” The feeling’s mutual, I thought as I came down from my orgasmic bliss.
I loved every part of Chase Wyrick, I always had. That’s why I began to freak out as soon as I thought about everything that’d happened the night before. He pulled away from me and I felt empty as he sat on the edge of the bed. “We should shower. I want to get to Wytheville and get everything over with.” I frowned as I watched him head towards the bathroom. Apparently, I hadn’t dreamed it all. I was nervous as hell about going home with Chance. I was nervous about him coming out.
When I heard the water in the shower begin to run, I texted my mother to let her know we were coming home for the day. Her texts seemed almost normal, but I could tell she was freaked out. It wasn’t like me to just show up on a whim in the middle of the semester. I assured her that I was fine and told her that Chance had something he had to do. As many times as I assured her that I was fine, Chance was fine, and the world wasn’t coming to an end, I wasn’t sure that she believed me. Luckily, it was her day off, so I wasn’t going to worry about it until I got home and could talk to her face to face.
Chance was quiet as we got ready. We’d barely said a few words to each other. I was standing in front of the mirror, messing with my hair.
“You about ready, monkey?” I looked back to find him sitting on the edge of the bed waiting for me. He was tapping his heel on the floor. His knee nervously jerked up and down.
I walked out of the bathroom and sat down next to him to put on my shoes. “I’m ready.” I studied his face. “Are you sure you’re ready?”
He nodded. “As ready as I’ll ever be. Come on.” He jumped up and grabbed his truck keys off the dresser. I followed him to his truck. He opened the passenger door for me and kissed me on the cheek before I climbed in. Admittedly, it felt good. There weren’t many people out. It was early on a Saturday morning, but still, I’d never thought the day would come when Chance would kiss me out in public. I smiled at him as he climbed into the driver’s seat. He returned a small, nervous smile as he started the ignition.
I felt like we should be talking as we made our way to the interstate, but I wasn’t sure what to say to him. I looked down at my watch—we’d been driving for thirty minutes. I glanced over at Chance. He was deep in thought, but there was no mistaking the look on his face, he was terrified.
“Babe.” He jerked when I spoke, as if he’d forgotten I was sitting next to him.
“Are you sure you want to do this? Because, you know you don’t have to. I know people saw us together at Wild Orchid last night and the girls from upstairs. There might be rumors, but that doesn’t mean you have to come out and it doesn’t mean you have to tell your parents, if you’re not ready.”
He glanced over at me. “Are you seriously trying to talk me out of this? Because I really need your support today.”
“You have my support, no matter what. I just wanted you to know that you would have it even if you decide you don’t want to go through with this.”
He shook his head. “I’m not backing out. I just want to get it over with.”
“Okay.” I reached over and put my hand on his knee. He covered my hand with his and squeezed. “Do you want to talk about it? I mean, have you decided what you’re going to say to them? Do you want me to go in with you?”
He smiled and shook his head again. “I think I need to do it on my own. This is about me. As much as I’d love to have you sitting next to me, I don’t want my father to accuse you of turning me gay.”
I laughed. “I don’t care what he accuses me of. The way he thinks about homosexuality is ridiculous. I don’t expect it to be easy. I know he’s your father, but he’s wrong, and if he tries to tell you that again, you don’t have to listen. Don’t allow him to make you feel bad about yourself.”
Chance let out a sarcastic laugh. “Too late for that.”
I sighed. “Have you ever wondered why your dad feels the way he does?”
Chance shrugged. “It’s in the Bible and he’s—well, you know how he is.”
“But that’s the thing. He’s progressive in so many other ways. Think about it, he led the effort to allow women ministers in the Methodist Church. He’s a member of the ACLU. He preaches about racial equality. How many times have I heard him say, ‘Everyone’s welcome at church.’ He’s a Democrat, for god’s sake. I mean, why does he think that being gay is the one and only unforgivable sin?”
Chance sighed. “I’m not sure that’s exactly what he thinks, but I don’t know. I don’t know why he feels so strongly about it. Maybe that’s why I’ve struggled so much, you know? He’s right about everything else. He’s not judgmental about anything else, you know? Drinking, premarital sex, even smoking pot—he doesn’t bat an eye. I mean, seriously, I could walk into the house today drunk and high and tell him that I’d knocked up some girl and he’d tell me how much he loves me. He’d tell me that God loves me. He’d ask how he could help.” Chance’s eyes were watery. I squeezed his knee. “It makes me wonder sometimes.”
“Wonder what?”
“If he’s right?” He almost whispered.
It broke my heart to hear him say that. “Oh god, Chance. He’s not right. Not about this. It’s possible to be right about everything else and still be wrong about one thing.”
With a sarcastic chuckle, he glanced over at me. “Ironic, huh? The one thing he’s wrong about, is me.”
I shook my head. “If you ask me, it’s not about the Bible. It’s something personal. Maybe something happened to him. He saw something. I don’t know. Look, I don’t expect him to just accept this. But maybe after some time passes, and he sees that the world hasn’t come to an end, he’ll figure out that he’s wrong.”
A tear fell down Chance’s cheek. I reached up and wiped it away with my thumb. “Or maybe today will be the last day we’ll ever talk to each other.” My heart broke again. “Monkey, can we talk about something else? I need you to distract me. I can’t think about this the whole way home.”
I looked over at him. “Okay. I can do that.” I pulled out my phone and started scrolling until I found the web page I wanted. “How about I tell you about this crazy idea I have? Then you can tell me I’m crazy and I can forget about it.”
He grinned at me. “I’m all ears.”
“So, I’ll finish all of my required coursework this May. All I need to graduate next year are electives. Gilcrest offers a Pastry Certificate—it’s included in their Culinary Arts program.”
I looked over at Chance and he was smiling. “I’m listening and I’m not hearing anything crazy so far.”
I cleared my throat. “Well, I could take most of the coursework for it next year and, according to my advisor, the classes would count toward graduation. So, I could graduate next May with a degree in Biological Chemistry. I would still be a couple of classes short of getting the certificate, which I could take the next year. But I could work and save the money to finish the courses. I was thinking that Sam might give me more hours at the bakery. And then, I don’t know, maybe he’ll retire, I could manage the place, or work at a restaurant or something.”
I nervously looked over at Chance. “Why is that a crazy idea? You love baking and you’re great at it. You should have your own bakery one day. What exactly is a pastry certificate—I mean, what kind of classes?”
I took a deep breath. I should have known that he’d be supportive. I began to scroll through my phone, and read him the courses. “Intro to Baking Techniques I & II, Breads, Pastry Dough, Cakes, Fillings & Icings I & II, Chocolate Confections, and Cake Decorating.”
Chance laughed. “All I heard was chocolate confections—you had me at chocolate confections.”
I laughed. “So, you don’t think I’m crazy?”
He shook his head. “Not only do I not think you’re crazy, I think you’d be crazy not to do it.”
My heart was pounding in my chest. “Seriously?”
“Seriously, do it. Your scholarship will cover most of it. We’ll figure out the rest.”
We’ll figure out the rest. His words made my heart swell. I didn’t know what was ahead for us, but I loved that he thought we’d be together in the future. “My mother will think I’m crazy.”
He shook his head. “Jules will come around. You know all she wants is for you to be happy.”
I nodded. I reached over and grabbed his hand and intertwined my fingers with his. I lifted it to my mouth and kissed it. “You’re the best boyfriend I’ve ever had.”
Chance chuckled. “Well, that just tells me that you have questionable taste.”
When we pulled off the Interstate onto the little highway to Wytheville, Chance was visibly nervous. We were quiet for the thirty minutes that it took to reach our neighborhood. I squeezed his hand. “Are you sure you don’t want me to come in with you? I will.”
“No, I have to do it myself.”
I nodded. He pulled into his driveway. “Are you sure?”
He looked over at me and smiled. “I’m sure, monkey.” He leaned over and kissed me. “I’ll come over to your house after.”
I nodded and got out of the truck. I watched him until he reached his front porch before I walked over to my house. I was nervous for him. I was nervous for me. I was terrified that his father would somehow convince him that we were wrong. I was terrified that what he was about to do would change everything.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chance
My hand shook when I opened the front door to my childhood home. I stepped into the entryway and called out.
“Mom?” I closed the door behind me. “Mom?” I was making my way toward the kitchen when my father appeared in the hallway.
He was wearing his reading glasses. He had probably been in his office working on his Sunday sermon. “Chance? Are you okay?”
I cleared my throat. “Yeah, I just had something I wanted to talk to you and Mom about. Is she home?”
“She’s at the store. She should be back any minute. Are you sure you’re okay?” I studied the worry lines on his face and noticed how grey his hair had become. “Come on, let’s sit down.” He motioned towards the living room. “Do you want something to drink? There’s a fresh pitcher of iced tea. Your mom made it this morning.”
“No, I’m good,” I said, following him into the living room. He sat down in his usual chair and I sat down on the couch acros
s from him. Suddenly I felt like I was sixteen again.
He cleared his throat. “Your mom told me you were struggling with your plans for next year. She said you were unsure about leaving the architecture program to play professional ball. I wanted you to know that we’re going to support you no matter what you decide. Is that what this is about? I’m happy to—”
I interrupted him, “Dad. No. It’s not about that. But yeah, I’m not sure if I’m going to enter the Draft. I’m not sure it’s what I want to do.”
He furrowed his brow. “So, how are your studies? Are you still doing well?”
I let my head fall back on the couch. I didn’t want to sit there and make small talk with him. I wanted to wait for Mom, but I was afraid I’d lose my nerve.
“Dad, I’m gay.” I couldn’t believe how easily it slipped from my lips.
He looked up at me. His eyes were watery. He opened his mouth and then closed it again. My plan was to let him say what he wanted, to listen to him politely, then to tell him that I was sorry he felt that way and walk out. But as the disappointment passed over his face, I wasn’t sure I could listen to his sermon. “Son,” he cleared his throat, “I think maybe you’re confused …”
I shook my head. “Nope. I’m not confused. I’m sure. There isn’t a part of me that is unsure. And before you start, I know how you feel. You explained it all in great detail when I was sixteen years old. I listened then, Dad. I heard everything you said—”
He interrupted, “Chance. Wait.”
I shook my head again. “No, I know what you’re going to say. I’m confused. The feelings and thoughts I have aren’t real. The devil is tempting me. If I pray, it will all go away. It’s not going to go away. When you said that stuff to me when I was sixteen, I was confused. I didn’t understand my feelings. I listened to you. I know you think I’m wrong. But I’m not confused anymore.”