“You brought it with you?”
“I carry it everywhere. Some strange kind of divorcee I’m going to be if I can’t bear to leave my wedding ring at home. Worse, pawn it, sell it on eBay. No way.” That word…divorcee. Was that the right thing? Now, after this? After they’d proved that the attraction was still as intense? That they could make each other feel so good?
He wrapped her more tightly in his arms as if he would never let her go. “When you left it hit me how bad things were. God, I missed you so much. I used to lie in my bed and try to wish you back home. I’d talk to you late into the night telling you about my day. How much I wanted you home, how much I was trying to get my head straight. I think I must have gone a bit crazy.”
Maybe not as crazy as his words were making her feel now. Safe. Wanted. Found. “I nearly came back. So many times I nearly came back to you, I nearly rang, I missed you so desperately. But I wanted it to be forever and I couldn’t trust you past a morning without you going out to the bottle shop.”
He held the ring and looked at it for a few moments then put it back in its box. And didn’t, as she fleetingly thought he might, try to put it back on her finger. She didn’t know what to make of that. She felt him drifting away a little, the anchor slipping slightly. ‘“You didn’t trust me. It’s okay, I didn’t trust myself.”
Her throat hurt, turning from such an elevating thrum to a dark dull pain. Was there any point in going over this again? But there was, they needed to exorcise it from their relationship before they could move forward. “I wanted it all, Danny. I wanted you, I wanted the happy—I wasn’t ready for it to go wrong.”
“Me neither. It hit me so hard and so fast I didn’t know what to do. I was drowning in self-pity, in depression and a need for something I just couldn’t seem to quench.” He kissed her then, softly until the pain lessened. “I do now. I have strategies, people I can talk to, a great support network in Bas and Megan. I deal with it now.”
“I know and I’m so damned proud of you. Should we…?” Try again, she wanted to say. But it was too soon to think about that. Too early for them to make promises neither of them could possibly keep. And yet…there was that hope again. Flickering.
Truth was, she’d lost sight of what the right thing to do truly was.
Although, lying here on a beach instead of being at her best friend’s side the night before her wedding was probably not high on the list of right things. Sitting up, Emma pulled her straps around her neck and tied them. “We should go. I mean quickly, before they start to miss us and we have to face a whole lot questions. Danny, I have to stay with Megan at the hotel tonight, to make sure she gets her beauty sleep. Then we have all the prep—you know…nails, hair- I, well, I just want you to know that I wish things were different.”
He pressed a finger to her lips and she wondered what he was thinking, hoping. But it was too dark to read him and the tone of his voice was neutral. “Hush. It’s probably for the best.”
It wasn’t. How could leaving him be for the best? He wanted her, she wanted him. They were married. All the rest of it could just go to hell.
But she wasn’t that naive. They couldn’t forget the past, the way they’d both turned away rather than toward each other. There had been too many mistakes, too much heartache to be able to wipe the slate completely clean.
Chapter 7
“So that’s pretty much everyone dropped home to wait for Father Christmas and his sleigh bells. Just you and Megan and Sleeping Beauty.” Dan smiled hesitantly at Emma and then nodded over to the back of the coach where a sleeping Bas was slumped across three seats, his furry reindeer antlers drooping over one eye, his head on Meg’s knees. He was drooling a little. Snoring a lot. Dan felt an uncharacteristic pang of affection for his mate. “Just beautiful. No second thoughts, Meg?”
Megan glanced at Emma and then back at Dan and she gave a rueful smile. “I did have, to be honest. I had a bit of a wobble, didn’t I, Em? But look at him, he’s like a big soft bear. How could I not promise to love that for ever and ever, Amen?”
Dan laughed. “I hope you have a lifetime supply of earplugs.”
“I sure do.”
“Great. Because you’re going to need them.” You had better not break his heart.
He kicked the bus into gear and set off towards the bridal party’s hotel. Not far from the groom’s—but enough distance that Bas wouldn’t accidentally bump into Megan before the big reveal at the altar, or table or whatever they did when marriages were on a beach.
Dan glanced again at Emma, unsure what his next move was going to be. Making love was one thing. There was also a lot of smiling and long slow lingering looks happening. But what that all meant he hadn’t a clue.
Getting back together?
A fling?
One last hoorah before she disappeared on him again? He wasn’t naïve enough to think that sex once was a passport to forever.
Guilt joined the line-up of emotions swirling in his gut. He should not have gotten carried away. Making love had been amazing, but life wasn’t just filled with glorious sex, unfortunately. He knew that he—they—had another side to their personalities that could be selfish and self-centered. At least he had. And it was hard enough fighting the booze on his own, but what if he slipped? What if he brought her crashing down again?
But…he glanced at her gentle smile again as she laughed at something Megan said and his gut tumbled…what if he didn’t slip? What if anything was possible? What if there was another miracle?
Megan was still rattling away behind him. “Great night, eh? I have to say, it’s been wonderful having everyone here, giving up their time and their holidays for us. Especially you, Em.”
“No worries. It was a no-brainer for me.” Emma’s voice was happy and light as she laughed with her friend. “Promise me you’ll come over and see me when you get back from honeymoon? Brisbane’s not too far away, you can pop over for a weekend.”
Brisbane. Dan’s heart lurched. She’d be gone soon enough, anyway—with all those dreams of hers, taking another piece of his heart with her.
Megan’s sing-song voice rose. “Try and stop us. We’ll be over every other week.”
“Perfect. It’s a great place, by all accounts. I can’t wait to have a look round, try out the wine bars…” Em laughed. “Oh, and on another note altogether, you never did tell me why you decided to have a wedding on Christmas Day? It seems a strange time to do it.”
“Because we can. I think we’re one of the only countries in the world where we can get married on that special day. So why not? Combine the two and have one big blow-out party? It’s just something I’ve always dreamed of—a white dress, and a beach, and Christmas Carols—yep, I’m officially weird. And hey, Dan! Bas and I wanted to say thank you for being such a great help. It’s so good of you.”
“Aww, and now you’re making me blush.” Because he’d do pretty much anything for his friends, and for Emma too.
Right now she was smiling and laughing and looked so damned content, and he’d done that to her. Hell, if he could make her look like that, make her feel like that, then maybe there really was hope for them.
“We’re here, ladies.” He pulled up outside the hotel and turned to look at them. Bas was snuggling against Megan, and Emma was trying to pull Megan up from Bas’s knee.
Em screwed up her face and tugged on Megan’s arm. “Hey, beautiful bride. It’s time to go.”
“Give me a second to kiss my husband-to-be good night one more time.” Megan tugged back and Emma toppled onto Bas’s knee too.
The hapless groom started to grin. “Gotta love all this attention. The bride and the bridesmaid, eh? What dreams are made of. Or have I died and gone to heaven?”
“You’ll be going to hell if you don’t let go. Now’s good,” Dan ordered, and grasped Emma’s hand. For once in his life he needed to tell her how he felt. Every part of him ached to touch her again. To kiss her.
Emma stared at his han
d and seemed to understand. She turned to Megan. “Room one-twenty-two. You go on ahead, Meg. I’ll catch you up in a minute. Go.”
They watched in silence as Meg tottered off the bus and up the hotel steps. Gradually, Bas’s snores split the quiet. Dan led her outside, through a slatted gate to the deserted pool area.
“Emma,” he whispered as softly as he could. “What we just did—”
She shook her head. “I know, it was stupid…you don’t have to say any more. We shouldn’t have. Not after everything.” There was a soft laugh, half sad, half wistful. “Thing is, I just can’t seem to control myself when you’re around.”
“I know the feeling.” And there he was again reaching for her, running his fingers over her cheek. He’d been about to suggest they do it all again, and again, a beginning… at least something. Because he wasn’t sure he was ready to give up on her yet—not after what they’d just shared. “Whatever the hell else is going on, the passion’s still there.”
Tired shoulders shrugged, half-heartedly. “So it’s a good job I’m going to Brisbane then, eh? That makes things clearer.”
“You’re not leaving for two weeks. We could do a lot in that time. Get to know each other again…spend some time together. Like the old days.” But even as he said it he saw the guarding in her eyes. Because for her, the old days were tainted. So yeah, he’d broken her once and she sure as hell didn’t want to go through that again.
One corner of her mouth lifted. “And then what? You come to Australia with me or some wild idea like that?” It was an off the cuff comment but her eyes brightened a little. “Actually, it’s not such a stupid idea. They do have cops in Brisbane.”
“Brisbane?”
“Yeah. Why not?”
His gut clenched. Because it would mean leaving here. It felt like the suggestion came out of left field, but he really should have been prepared for it; she’d been honest about her plans from the start. He just hadn’t figured he could be part of them.
And yes, it was a good idea, but he had his support network here. He knew he could fight his demons here, with his friends, but somewhere else? That took more than a leap of faith. Panic set up a drumbeat in his heart. “I haven’t got a job there. And I have a good one here, a job I like. A lot. I can’t just leave.”
She frowned. “You can.”
“It’s not that easy. I have a network here, friends. A life.”
But not a wife. She was telling him they could take a chance, and it was all he’d ever dreamed about. All he’d wanted since the second she’d walked out the door. So this made everything so much harder, because he couldn’t go to Australia with her. Reality broke into the fantasy and smashed it to smithereens. Sure, he wanted to haul her against him and breathe her in. To lie with her, to wake up with her.
Here.
Was that too goddamned selfish? Yes. But he knew he could be a good man here—he’d been working on it for long enough—he just didn’t know if he could do it somewhere else.
So he had to tell her the truth and not hide behind weak excuses. “Emma, listen; truth is, I don’t know who I’d be in Brisbane. I have changed and I work damned hard at being someone different, but part of me is still the man I was. I’ve built a stronghold of support here. I still struggle, I won’t lie to you. I’m still the guy who turned to booze for comfort. The one who pushed you away.”
“Like you’re doing right now?” He watched her straighten, saw the determination to fight for what she wanted. That’s my girl. “Then, perhaps I could…maybe I could stay? Here?”
Whoa. He closed his eyes. “And have you regret that every day for the rest of your life?” Give up her fabulous job, curb her dreams, for him?
No. He wasn’t even going to consider it. When he opened his eyes again she was looking up at him and waiting for him to say yes—he could tell, and that made it a million times worse. “No sweetheart; you have big dreams and you need to live them. I will not have you changing things for me, you hear? I will not clip your wings—”
“Oi! Danny boy! Where are you? You driving me home or what?” Bas’s voice split the air and they both turned towards the gate.
Dan started toward the gate, he’d never felt so deflated, so damned hollow in his life. “We have to get going. Big day tomorrow.”
“So that’s it, then.” Her voice wobbled and she grabbed his arm, frustrated and sad and disappointed. And she was not going to let that tear edging over her eyelid anywhere near her cheek. She smeared it away and looked at him, her voice a whisper, resigned. “That’s it? The end?”
She let go and paced softly across the tiny space and back again, her fists clenched, her voice rising. “It’s so unfair, so bloody cruel. I have all these crazy feelings for you and they just won’t go away, it doesn’t matter what I do; go away, come back, hate you—at least try to hate you—they’re all still there in my heart.” She turned away, her fist against her chest. Her back was rigid and she was fighting…he didn’t know exactly what. Fear? Hope? Agreeing to something she’d later regret?
I love you. The words nearly rolled off his tongue. But he held them in, because what was the point of causing more pain? He loved her. He had never stopped loving her, but this wasn’t their time.
There was a boulder in his throat, but he pushed past it, turning her to face him. He dredged a smile and made his voice as determined and as hopeful as he could. “So, you’re going to rock Brisbane. You’re going to develop more weird accents and get a fantastic tan. You’re going to be a fabulous GP tending the sick and the wounded and you’ll be world famous for fighting off man-eating spiders and snakes.”
Taking his lead she bit her bottom lip, and gave a very wobbly smile. Tears finally fell and God his heart was smashed to pieces again that he’d done that to her. But better now than a month, or a year down the line. “And you can deliver more babies singlehandedly, and dance your socks off on the police float and save puppies and have a happy life. Here.”
He doubted that very much. A world without Emma would be empty of joy, of light. A thick weight crushed his chest. He couldn’t believe he’d convinced her to go. But it was the right thing to do. For them both. Even if it didn’t feel like it right now.
As they reached the hotel entrance he couldn’t help but haul her against his chest and hold her tight. Breathing her in. Committing to memory the way she felt in his arms, the way she smelt, the way she fit so perfectly against him. Listening to her ragged breath. Loving her again.
I love you.
Had never stopped loving her—which was why he wouldn’t let her give up her dreams. She had a romantic notion of the way their life could be, but real life wasn’t like that. It was messy and chaotic and on some days it was a real struggle. For him, at least. She deserved so much better than that. Which was why he was letting her go. Again.
And damn it. Damn it all to hell, he needed a drink. And quick.
Emma lay awake listening to Megan’s gentle snores and tried hard to stay calm. The tears were just about dried up, but her throat was raw, like her eyes. He’d gone. Left her. Which was ironic, but she supposed it was his bloody turn. She’d come for a confirmation that it was over—and that was what she’d got.
Happy Christmas- here’s a divorce.
It was the sensible thing to do…he was right, and he’d been so gentle and so caring, putting her needs first. They couldn’t travel and stay in one place, she had a job and he had his support network. They both had to do what they needed to do. It was the right thing, but it all felt deeply, deeply wrong.
Too wired for any kind of sleep she rolled over, sat up. Lay back down.
When she’d kissed him she’d felt more at home than she’d ever done, being in his arms had felt the most natural thing in the world. And exciting. And scary. And calming and comforting. All the things that love is.
Did she love him?
She hoped not. Truly hoped not, because getting over him once had been hard enough. But she had a bad fee
ling she did love him and had never really stopped.
And that would explain why she couldn’t make a relationship work with anyone else. It would also explain the pain that had lodged deep in her heart and spread slowly over the last few hours to every pore in her body.
Yes, she still loved him so, so much it hurt. And he expected her to walk away again. He expected her to agree—but what choice did she have?
And she hoped like hell that this wouldn’t push him over the edge again. She’d make sure to ask Megan to keep an eye on him while she was gone…like last time.
But no, it wasn’t like last time. Everything had changed. She had changed, she wasn’t the selfish rich-bitch any more. She’d lived through adversity, she’d seen people fight for their children, fight for their lives, fight for people they loved. She’d come out having learnt that the only thing important in life was being with people you love.
And he was sober. He was a good man who stuck to his principles—he wouldn’t offer her dreams if he couldn’t follow through. He was a bloody good man and she did love him; she loved him with all her heart.
With a jolt, Emma sat up. He was her husband; years ago she’d promised to love Daniel Wade regardless of what fate threw at them. So she was going to put him first. She was going to fight.
The only problem would be convincing him.
Through the darkness she found her phone and sent him a text. You awake?
He answered immediately. Yeah. It’s late, what’s wrong? You okay?
That lump stuck in her throat. He was worried about her. He’d put her needs first and he was worried about her. Yeah, definitely a keeper. I need to talk to you.
Now? Why? It’s 3 in the morning? Tell me you’re okay?
Her fingers shook as she typed. No, I’m not okay. But I think I know how I can be.
I’ll pick you up in fifteen
Ten?
He made it in five.
Unsure what the rules were about sneaking about in the middle of the night with her estranged husband, Emma jumped into his truck and decided she didn’t give a damn about rules. Or anything else. The only thing she cared about was telling him her truth.
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