“You don’t have to do it alone, Natalie. I already told you that.” He stopped walking and turned all the way towards me.
“I know. That’s why I moved out here. I wanted Christopher to have you. I also knew I needed help—physically, I mean—because it’s a lot of work taking care of a baby alone. And I don’t think I would trust someone else to do it.” I felt like being honest with Rhys after all the lies and deceit in my life. “It’s hard for me to ask for help, from anyone, but I also knew Christopher would be healthier and happier if I did.”
Unexpectedly, Rhys reached for my hand, so quickly I couldn’t react in time to pull away. It reminded me of that first night when he took my hand to lead me back into the Garden. My heart began to pound at the contact, slamming into my ribcage almost painfully.
“Rhys,” I breathed his name like a prayer, an oath, something sacred.
He didn’t respond, just lifted my hand up to his lips, pressing a kiss to the palm before dropping it back down to my side. I stood there, dumbstruck and panting while he began to walk away. It took me a minute to regroup and catch up. The situation was getting away from me again. Control freak Natalie was screaming inside of my head.
“Maybe we should go back?” I asked him as I approached.
Rhys halted and I ran into the back of him, my chest pressing against his back for a minute. I took a step back, brushing my hands down the front of my shirt and jeans to gather my bearings.
“Why can’t we just let it happen, Nat?” Rhys said, without turning around.
I sidled up next to him, turning, my hands on my hips. “Let what happen?” I knew it was futile to pretend, but I wasn’t ready to admit anything was happening.
“You know what. This, us.” He gestured between us with his hand. “Why are you fighting it so much?”
“Because I don’t deserve you!” I shouted the words without thinking, clapping a hand over my mouth once they were out.
“What? What does that even mean?” Confusion marred Rhys’s beautiful face.
“Please don’t ask me that. I can’t explain it right now. You have to let it go. Please.” I was begging, right there on the sidewalk, where everyone could see me.
“If not now, when?” Rhys asked the question so quietly I almost didn’t hear him.
“I don’t know. I’m not ready. I don’t know when I will be. I’ve done so much wrong over the last several years. I can’t mess this up too.” Tears pricked my eyelids and I blinked them back.
Without another word, I pivoted on my heel and started back towards my house. I could hear Rhys behind me, silently clomping along with the stroller. We entered the house and he closed the door behind him. Christopher fell asleep in the stroller on the short walk, so I bent wordlessly and gently lifted him to lay him in his bassinet. When I came back out, Rhys was standing in the living room, his back against the closed door.
“What do you mean, you don’t deserve me?” Rhys asked again softly.
I shook my head. Didn’t he hear anything I said on the sidewalk? I couldn’t talk about this with him, not yet, because then he would know what kind of person I really was and I wasn’t ready to lose him.
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” I started to walk away, towards the kitchen but felt his large hand wrap around my bicep, spinning me around.
“Natalie, what do you want?” he asked when I was facing him, so close I could smell his scent, which wrapped around me like a warm blanket. He tipped my chin up so our eyes would meet.
I stifled the gasp that caught in my chest as I finally looked at him the way I had been trying not to all morning. Our eyes locked, his sky blue depths swallowing me up until I could barely tread water to escape. I wanted to be able to tell him everything, all my faults and fears, but I couldn’t.
“I don’t know,” I mumbled, silent tears trailing down my cheeks.
Rhys dipped his head, licking an errant tear as it flowed towards my chin. He followed the path down, stopping at my lips. Softly, he pressed a kiss to my lips, testing to see if I would allow more. Because I was a glutton for punishment, and because Rhys was so hard to resist, I kissed him back. He dropped my chin, wrapping his arms around my waist, and pulled me flush against him. My arms still hung limply by my sides as he deepened the kiss, his tongue pressing between my lips, tasting and delving, making me want more. Unable to hold back any long, I wound my arms around his neck, intertwining my fingers in the hair at the nape of his neck. I was lost in him, my brain finally silent, my doubts finally muted. This felt too right to make me second-guess myself anymore and I gave in to him as our tongues warred and tangled.
Rhys broke the kiss first, and my head swam with desire so thick, I was unable to focus for a moment.
“I have to go,” he said without preamble, disentangling from our embrace, and reached for the door handle.
I nodded, wanting to let him go with the kiss and nothing more, but the rational bitch in my head began to scream at me again and the second-guessing started.
“Wait.” I said the word too loudly and when he turned around, I could tell by the look in his eyes he knew what I was going to say.
“No, Natalie, don’t.”
I looked down at my hands where I worried them together in front of me. “Rhys, I think…”
“Why do you have to think?” he asked me with a nervous chuckle, rubbing the back of his neck.
“Because of Christopher. Because if this goes south, he will lose more than we will. Can we try this friendship thing, for a little while, please?” I made one last plea with him to see it my way.
Rhys let out a heavy breath, running a hand through his hair before he met my eyes again. “If that’s what you want, Nat, we can try it. But I’m not going to pretend that I don’t feel the way I feel about you.”
“Fine. Thank you.” It had to be enough for now because the alternative, losing him forever, meant I let Christopher down.
“I’ll call you later.” Rhys gave me a backward wave, pulled the door open, and disappeared behind it.
I released a breath I didn’t realize I was holding as I waited for his response. This would be better for the both of us. If this was what I wanted, why did it feel so bad?
27
Rhys
Friends. I could do friends if that was what she wanted. For now.
Repeating the word over and over in my head, I made my way into the venue where we were playing tonight. I was early, but that was because I drove up to LA early to see Christopher. It wasn’t a wasted trip despite the back and forth with Natalie. My head was spinning when I left her house, not only because she was so unsure about what she wanted, but because that kiss was the best fucking kiss of my life.
I actually felt a little foolish for admitting it, even just to myself, because at twenty-eight, I had been with a handful of women, but none of them even compared to Natalie. She was gorgeous—with her almost black hair always a mess but sexy as hell, and her curves—but it was more than that. While at times she appeared to be lost or panicked, she always seemed confident about her decisions, even those I didn’t agree with. She wasn’t afraid to stand up to people, tell them the truth about what she thought of them. Sure, sometimes she could be abrasive, but I didn’t find it off-putting. In fact, I thought it was sexy as fuck.
“Rhys, you in here?” I heard Nathan call from just offstage as I was tuning my guitar.
I turned around to see him and Todd walking towards me, shit-eating grins on their faces.
“What’s up?” I asked, looking back down at my guitar.
I didn’t want the guys to see how out of sorts I was after my morning with Natalie. They were bound to ask questions about my “appointment” in LA, but I wasn’t prepared to discuss it yet. It wasn’t easy for me to admit I was this hung up on a woman, especially one who didn’t want to be with me.
“You’re never this early for a gig. You all right?” Todd asked, clapping a hand on my back.
“Yeah,
bro, my appointment got out earlier than I expected.” I didn’t offer anything else.
“What kind of appointment was it anyway? You sick?” Rob showed up around the corner, the question indicating he had been listening to us though we couldn’t see him.
I shrugged without meeting their eyes. “Nah. Just a checkup.”
“Since when do you go to the doctor?” Nathan asked with a loud laugh.
I shrugged again but didn’t answer him. I could feel their eyes on me but still I looked down at my guitar. This was not the time. After about a minute or two passed, they all moved their respective instruments and began to tune them just as I was.
When we were all tuned up, we went through our set, changing up the order of a few songs, and made sure we had everything in order for the show. We still had about an hour before we officially took the stage, but all of us were perfectionists when it came to our set. That was one reason we all worked so well together. None of us were slackers.
“I think we have it down,” Nathan said, after we ran through the set one last time. “Let’s all go change and grab a snack, and meet back here in thirty.”
The rest of us nodded in agreement and went our separate ways. The venue gave us a few rooms in the back to keep our stuff. Not official dressing rooms, but enough space to change and get organized, so I went back to mine and slouched into the large chair in the corner. Natalie’s face as I left flitted through my head. Her eyes had the haunted look again, the one I first noticed during our first meeting. I wondered what she was hiding that made her feel like she didn’t deserve to be with me. What made her think she wasn’t good enough to be with me? If anything, I didn’t deserve her. I was just some aspiring rock star, barely known and barely making ends meet, and she was a beautiful socialite with the world at her feet. None of it made any sense.
Sighing, I sat up, resting my face in my hands for a moment before I stood. I should be worrying about the show and here I was consumed with Natalie again. But even though she kept rebuking me, I knew she felt the same way. That kiss was an indication of her true feelings. There was something between us, that much was true, but whether she was going to keep fighting it or not was completely up to her. I would keep my word about being “just friends” for a little while, but I wasn’t sure how long I could keep up the farce. I thought I could walk away from her two months ago until I saw her again today. That was no longer true. I didn’t just want Christopher, I wanted Natalie too, and I was willing to wait as long as I could until she realized what was already evident to me—we belonged together.
* * *
“That was our best show yet, bruh!” Nathan put an arm around my shoulder as we walked off stage.
I had to agree. The crowd was really into it tonight, asking for two encores and even throwing shit on stage for us. Rob not only caught a pair of panties but also got the girl’s number.
“What’s the plan?” Rob asked, still riding the high from the groupie.
“I think we should go out, hit the clubs, and see what we can score,” Todd answered him. He meant women and drugs.
“I’m in!” Nathan yelled as he tossed his stuff back into his bag and the rest of us packed up our instruments.
A couple of the members of the stage crew even responded, and Rob invited them too. I shook my head at them as I gathered my belongings, and we all headed out the doors in the back.
“What about you, Rhys? You in?” Rob asked me as they began to pack the van we used for the equipment.
I shook my head. “I’m gonna head back to San Diego tonight. I have some shit to do tomorrow.”
“What? Nah, man, come with us. You never come out anymore.” Todd pointed his finger into my chest.
I had little to no desire to go to some crowded club tonight but being home alone, Natalie monopolizing my thoughts, wasn’t appealing either.
“Okay. Just for about an hour,” I agreed, and they all cheered.
They piled into the van and I returned to my car, following them from the lot and towards their first destination. Dread pooled in the pit of my stomach, but I didn’t turn around. I wasn’t going to let the guys down after that whole stunt with New York a few months ago. I left them high and dry for almost a month, and I still felt guilty about it.
We pulled into the parking lot of a crowded club, attendants checking cars as they made their way into the lot. There was little parking left, but we found two spots towards the very back, almost a block away from the club entrance. They exited the van, and I could tell by the way they were swaying that Rob and Todd already had their fair share of alcohol on the way over as Nathan drove.
“Want to pregame with us, bruh?” Rob asked, passing me a small bottle of vodka.
I stared at it for a moment before taking it from his outstretched hand. My drinking got a little out of control on the last tour because I kept trying to numb Natalie’s rejection, and I hadn’t had a drink since. But we had a great show, and I needed a little liquid numbness tonight. I downed the bottle in one swig, burning my esophagus as the vodka made its way to my gut. Grimacing, I pocketed the empty bottle and caught up to the guys as they got in the line, which stretched around the front of the building.
“Think they’ll let us skip the line since we are local celebrities?” Todd asked as we maneuvered around people.
Nate chuckled. “I don’t know, man, we’re still pretty unknown.”
“It’s worth a shot.” Rob shrugged, getting out of line and making his way to the large WWE-looking bouncer at the front of the line.
We watched as he spoke to the guy, gesturing towards us and back again. The guy turned to look at us, one eyebrow raised like the Rock, and bobbed his head. Rob clapped, jogging back to where we stood with a large grin plastered on his face.
“He’s heard of us. Went to our last show in Frisco. We’re in!” Rob was amped and we followed behind him, trying to keep up as he practically ran back to the entrance.
“Thanks, man,” I said to the Rock’s long-lost brother as we walked past him. He didn’t answer but gave me a head nod as he opened the velvet rope and let us pass.
My phone vibrated in my pocket as we made our way through the thick crowd, but I ignored it. It was too loud and cramped to answer my phone right now. Our first stop was the bar, each of us getting a drink before we found a table in the back to set up shop. Nate and Rob took off immediately towards a group of girls on the dance floor while Todd and I sat at the table. Neither of us was much for dancing, and since I had a nice buzz going on, it was probably better if I didn’t embarrass myself.
“Were you really at the doctor today?” Todd asked as I sipped my vodka and soda.
“What?” I pretended like I couldn’t hear him.
“Where were you today for real?” he asked me louder, leaning in.
I closed my eyes for a beat, not wanting to lie but also not wanting to get into it right now either.
“I had some business to take care of.” I left it at that, cryptic as it was.
“Bullshit, bro. Was it Natalie?”
How the hell did he know?
“Why do you think it was Natalie?” I sat up straighter, ready to defend myself.
“I’ve been in contact with Jessica from the PR office. She told me Natalie quit over a month ago and left town. Came out to LA against her dad’s wishes and shit.” He took a swig from his drink, then slammed it back down on the table while he gave me a pointed look.
Fuck. Looked like I was going to have to explain myself now.
“Okay, fine. Yeah, I went to see Christopher.” He couldn’t fault me for wanting to see my son.
“Just Christopher?” It was Todd’s turn for the raised eyebrow.
“Dude, what does it matter?” I didn’t have the brain power at the moment to deny it.
“A hell of a lot,” he responded, refusing to back down. “Jessica told me some things about Natalie and I’m not sure I trust her.”
“Fuck, man. I’ve been trying to f
orget about her. It would be easier if I didn’t have to see her when I saw Christopher.” I started spilling my guts, the alcohol making me unable to hide my true feelings. “All she wants right now is to be friends. She thinks it will be better for all of us, including Christopher. But she’s all I think about. It’s pretty embarrassing.”
Todd narrowed his eyes at me. “You got it bad, bro.” He shook his head as he pounded the rest of his drink.
“I wish I didn’t,” I admitted.
Todd nodded this time. “Since we’re being honest, I’m gonna tell you something. Jessica and I slept together last time we were in New York. Since then, she’s all I can think about but I don’t want to mess up shit with the PR company. Besides, she lives all the way in New York. But tonight, I’m gonna find another woman to take my mind off of her and I suggest you do the same.” He shrugged before he stood up, gesturing to his empty glass. “I’m gonna get another. You want one?”
I bobbed my head in agreement. “Sure.”
Todd walked away and I was alone with my own thoughts for the first time in a few hours. I tossed back the rest of my own drink, the buzz I was feeling turning into full on drunk. My phone buzzed again as I sat there, and for a second I didn’t know what it was. I slipped it from my pocket, blinking until the name on the display was clear.
Natalie.
“Hello?” I answered it before I had a chance to talk myself out of it.
“Rhys, thank God. I’ve been trying to reach you all night. Are you still in LA?” Even through the loud din of the club, I could hear the panic in her voice. It sobered me up a little.
“What’s wrong, Nat?” I jumped from the booth and pushed my way through the crowd until I was outside.
“It’s Christopher. He was having some trouble breathing so I called an ambulance. They took him to the children’s hospital, and we’re waiting on some tests while he has oxygen. Can you meet me here?”
One Song: book two in the one series Page 18