“You must be exhausted from the drive. Have a seat and I’ll get you both something to drink. Then I’ll take that baby off your hands.” She pointed a finger at Rhys and disappeared into the kitchen.
We both sat down on the sofa, my hands in my lap and Christopher in his. The baby was finally stirring, his sleepy eyes opening as he looked up at Rhys and his lips breaking into a sleepy smile.
“Hey, little man,” Rhys said, placing a gentle kiss to his forehead.
Another feeling crept into my chest, replacing all the bad and uneasy ones that were stuck there—love for my son and a growing emotion for the man sitting next to me that I was too afraid to admit.
“He probably needs to be changed,” I muttered as I watched them.
“I can do it,” Rhys said as he stood, picking up the diaper bag from where I had set it near my feet on the floor. He started to walk from the room but stopped and turned back to me. “Are you okay? You’ve been pretty quiet since we got here.”
I nodded. “I think I’m still a little out of sorts from falling asleep in the car.”
He didn’t respond, only looked at me for a moment longer, his cobalt eyes searching my face. “Okay. I’ll be right back.”
He vanished down the hallway just as his mom reappeared from the kitchen.
“Where did Rhys sneak off to?” she asked, handing me a tall glass filled with iced tea before setting Rhys’s glass down on a coaster on the coffee table.
“He just went to change Christopher.” I took a sip, not because I was thirsty but because I needed something to do.
“Well, I guess that’s allowed,” she said with a giggle as she sat down next to me on the couch. “So, Natalie, how are you? Rhys has told me so much about you, but I’m so glad we finally get a chance to chat in person.”
For a minute, I couldn’t respond, whether from the shock she just told me Rhys talked to her about me, or nerves, I wasn’t sure.
“I’m all right. I fell asleep on the ride down,” I added with a small laugh. “Christopher has been up a lot at night lately, probably because he was just sick.”
Mrs. Beckett nodded. “Oh yes, Rhys told me all about his little scare with the hospital. I’m so glad he’s feeling better. I was praying for him again, just like I did when he was in the hospital in New York.”
I didn’t know why I was so surprised at her words, maybe because Rhys didn’t mention his mother until recently, but I never even thought to ask about her or if he told her about the baby. But it made sense. My father was with me most of the time Christopher was in the NICU, why wouldn’t his mother know about it too? Especially since it seemed as if Rhys was much closer to his mother than I was to my father. The guilt tried to creep back in, trying to choke me, making panic rise in my chest. I couldn’t have a panic attack right now. Not here.
Clearing my throat, I finally got the courage to speak again, feeling I owed her an apology. “Mrs. Beckett, I’m so sorry you didn’t get to see Christopher sooner. I should have made more of an effort.”
Her blue eyes widened again, looking so much like Rhys’s, and she shook her head fervently. “No, no, no. Don’t you be sorry for anything, dear. Do you hear me? You had to focus on getting that baby healthy enough to leave the hospital. Rhys offered to fly me out to New York the last time he went, but I don’t do well with flying, so I told him no. None of this is your fault.” She patted my hand and I swallowed hard against the tears that threatened again.
I really needed to get some more sleep, I was way too emotional today.
“Oh, and you can call me Tammy. Mrs. Beckett was my mother-in-law,” she added with a wink and chuckle.
I laughed too, feeling a bit better about everything now that she assuaged my worry. “Okay. Tammy.”
“What are you two laughing about? Is she telling you stories about me or something?” Rhys asked as he sauntered back into the room with a now fully awake Christopher.
“Wouldn’t you like to know,” Tammy said, making a zipping motion over her mouth with her finger and giving me another wink.
I laughed again with a shrug. “I guess you’ll never know.”
Rhys rolled his eyes, passing Christopher to his mother before sitting down on the other side of me, his thigh flush against mine on the small couch. Heat traveled up my body from the point of contact. My eyes snapped to his, which were already looking at me. He felt it too. For a moment, I was lost in him as we sat there, gazing at each other, his blue eyes clouding over with lust as they bored into my hazel ones. What was happening?
“Well, it’s about time I got to hold this little munchkin. Aren’t you just the sweetest?” Tammy’s voice broke through our moment.
I whipped my head around, embarrassed she probably caught me ogling her son. But she hadn’t noticed, her eyes focused solely on Christopher as she cooed at him in her lap. His little fists were going and his legs pumped in and out as he cooed back at her, a toothless smile on his face. Relief swept over me as I sunk back against the couch.
Though I could feel Rhys’s eyes still on me, I didn’t turn around. I chose to focus on the joy on Tammy’s face as she gazed at our son. I was truly happy they were finally able to meet and slowly, but finally, the anxiety I brought with me began to seep out of my bones the longer we sat there.
“Hey, Mom,” Rhys said after we all sat in silence, besides the tiny coos coming from Christopher and Tammy’s baby talk. “What do you think about us leaving Christopher for a few hours so that we can go out and get something to eat?”
I pivoted towards Rhys quickly, so fast I felt a twinge in my neck. “I don’t think that’s—” I began just as Tammy said, “What a wonderful idea.”
“Rhys, I’ve never left him anywhere before,” I said through clenched teeth, trying to keep my cool as irritation seeped into every part of my body.
“Come on, Nat. Mom has done this two times; she’s a pro. And I think you could use a night out,” he pleaded with me with his eyes and I felt myself begin to cave.
“I don’t know…” My voice trailed off as I looked back at Christopher.
He looked fine, happy with Tammy, but my mom instincts wouldn’t let me agree.
“I’ll watch him like a hawk. But if you don’t feel comfortable, I won’t be offended if you decide to stay.” Tammy gave me a pointed look as she spoke, ignoring the pleading from her son behind me. It was this that finally convinced me. She spoke to me, mom to mom, and I knew then she wouldn’t let anything happen to Christopher.
“Okay. Sure.” I turned to Rhys as I spoke.
A wide smile broke across his face; the gesture made his eyes light up electric blue and highlighted his handsome features. I couldn’t help but smile back even though I wasn’t so sure about any of this.
Once we had Christopher settled with a bottle in Tammy’s arms on the couch, went over everything important I could think of, and gave him the final of about one hundred kisses, Rhys and I left. I didn’t have any idea where we were going, or what we were doing, but I had to admit, when I sat down in the car, just the two of us, I felt free for a moment. Though I missed Christopher, it was nice to be Natalie for once and not just Mommy.
“Where are we going?” I finally asked as Rhys started the car and pulled out of the driveway.
“It’s a surprise.” He smirked, his tone cryptic.
“Uh-oh. I hope it’s a good surprise,” I said with an awkward giggle.
“I think you’ll like it,” he replied as he rolled to a stop at the end of the street, turning to glance at me for a beat, his face serious, before looking ahead again.
Rhys and I were alone for the first time since our encounter the day before, undistracted by the day to day of parenting, and the butterflies returned to my stomach for a whole new reason. How would I be able to protect my heart when I didn’t have the armor Christopher provided for me to hide behind?
33
Rhys
Natalie was nervous, her left leg bouncing and her hands unab
le to stop moving in her lap. It was a last-minute decision to ask her to come out with me, and I wasn’t even sure she would agree. I actually thought she would say no, using Christopher as an excuse but not wanting to be alone with me. The last time I was this surprised was when she called me in the middle of the night to tell me Christopher was my son. Now here we were, driving through my hometown, while she fidgeted next to me. Our son was safe at my mom’s house and I had her all to myself for the night.
Hopefully I didn’t fuck it up.
The idea came to me as I watched her relax against the couch, her eyes focused on Christopher and my mom, a sort of wistfulness in their moss green depths as she watched them together. I knew she thought about her mom as she watched them, which was what gave me the idea we should get out for a few hours. She needed a break, exhaustion painted under her eyes in black. She was always “on,” having been alone with Christopher for all these months, doing the parenting alone. I owed her a break and I was going to give her one while my mom got to spend some alone time with her new grandson.
“How do you feel now?” I asked her, referencing her almost two-hour nap in the car on the way down.
Natalie shrugged. “I’m fine, but it feels like I can never catch up on sleep, you know?”
“Yeah, I felt like that on tour, but that’s definitely not the same thing as being up with a sick baby all night.”
She nodded. “Yeah. I guess that’s why I finally agreed to this little impromptu night out. I’m nervous since I’ve never left him before, but I also know that I need a break from time to time to be a better mother.” She shrugged again, finally resting her hands in her lap though her leg still bounced.
We didn’t speak again as I drove towards the beach. Natalie mentioned her mom used to take her to the beach when she was little, the Hamptons, and though our beaches in San Diego weren’t the Hamptons, they were pretty damn nice. I found a parking spot not too far from the boardwalk. The area was always pretty crowded because of the beautiful weather all year round, but at this time of the evening, the beach crowd was clearing out for the nightlife crowd. Surfers walked by with their boards hoisted over their heads and their wetsuits down around their waists. Natalie looked out the window, her eyes wide when she realized where we were.
“Are we at the beach?!” she asked, excitement in her voice for the first time in a while.
“Yup. Welcome to Pacific Beach.” I threw the car in park and stepped out.
Natalie followed, her voice animated. “I haven’t been to the beach in such a long time. I’m not really dressed for it.”
She looked down at her clothes, smoothing the thin mustard colored sweater she wore over distressed black skinny jeans.
I laughed, because hearing the excitement in her voice was exactly what I was hoping when I thought up this last-minute date.
“It’s a little chilly for the beach right now anyway, unless you surf.” I motioned to the few surfers still leaving the beach with their boards as dusk rolled in. “We can just walk around and then get some dinner. What do you think?”
“Sounds good,” she said, sidling up next to me, close but not touching. She stopped suddenly, turning to me. “Thank you, Rhys.”
The sincerity in her eyes made my chest ache, and I pressed my hand against it as I looked at her. My mind tried to memorize her in this moment: long, dark hair escaping the braid resting on her shoulder, hazel eyes turning a grayish blue in the fading sunlight. For the first time, I saw something other than stress, worry, and exhaustion in their depths. The closest she got recently to this look, which could only be described as hope, was when she talked about starting her new business. But still, even then, I saw anxiety swirling as she worried about getting it off the ground.
“You’re welcome,” I managed to say, though my throat felt tight with emotion. I wanted to kiss her, to pull her to my chest and never let her go, but I was afraid. For the first time, I was willing to admit I was afraid to lose her because now that I “had” her, I didn’t want to let her go.
“You ready?” I finally asked, clearing my throat one last time.
I reached out for her hand, hoping against hope she wouldn’t reject me this time. She hesitated for a second, her eyes meeting mine again, before she reached for me. I let out a sigh of relief as I folded her small hand into mine and we began to walk towards the pier. There was a lot to discuss, a lot to deal with, a lot of shit we had to figure out, but for tonight, we were just Natalie and Rhys at the beach.
34
Natalie
Comfortable.
That was how I felt with Rhys that night, as we walked hand in hand down the pier towards the beach. My chest was bursting with anticipation because I hadn’t been to the beach since I was a child. I could see the white sand as we approached, dying to sink my toes in and feel the cold water lap at my toes. Rhys walked calmly next to me. I couldn’t gauge his mood. He seemed comfortable too, content, but something else was bubbling beneath it. I could feel it back on the sidewalk when we got out of the car, before he reached for my hand. The urge to ask him what was wrong swirled in my chest, but instead I took his hand and we walked in silence towards the beach.
I tried to keep myself in the moment, quiet my fears and my questions, turn off my brain. But my mind kept drifting—to Christopher, to Rhys’s hand in mine, to what all of it meant, especially my feelings of calm and contentment when I was with him. How was I feeling this way with a man I knew for less than a year, when I was with my ex-husband for five years and never felt a moment of peace? This night wasn’t supposed to be about figuring it all out, though, so I pushed the questions aside and lived in the moment, which was admittedly very difficult for me.
“When was the last time you were here?” I asked Rhys. The question had me wondering how close he lived to here and his mother’s house.
“Last summer. I don’t surf or anything, I’m not that much of a stereotypical California guy, but I do enjoy the beach,” he said with a chuckle. “How about you?”
I knew he didn’t mean here, here; he meant the beach in general. “Not since I was a child. Maybe when I was ten? Before my mom got sick. We used to go every summer, just her and me. My dad hated the beach or vacations; they took time away from his work. But Mom refused to give it up for him and we went without him.” I paused, memories of my mom and our solo vacations floating into my mind. “I forgot how beautiful it was.”
Rhys nodded, “I may be biased, but I think the West Coast has the best beaches.”
He gave me a pointed look, asking me to argue, as we approached the edge of the sand. I didn’t answer him right away. I leaned down, slipped my black flats off my feet, and rolled my jeans up to my shins before standing back up to take a tentative step into the sand. Putting both feet in, I moved them around, burying them for a moment. I looked up at him.
“They’re all right,” I said, putting my hand up to indicate it was so-so, even though the warm sand felt wonderful on my bare feet.
“You’re delusional,” he answered, taking his own boots and socks off, rolled his jeans up just as I did, and stepped into the sand next to me.
I shook my head. “I still have to test the water to make my final decision.”
I darted away from him towards the shore, shoes in my hand, laughing wildly. He chased me, like I knew he would, grabbing me around the waist and catching me just before my feet touched the water.
“Now I don’t think you deserve to feel the Pacific Ocean,” he said, pulling me against his chest and dragging me back towards the boardwalk.
“Rhys!” I yelled, smacking his hand playfully so he would let me go.
At this point, we were drawing stares from the few people still left on the beach, but I barely noticed. Being pressed against Rhys as he carried me off the beach took a turn too quickly for me to care what other people thought about us. One minute, we were playing, joking, and the next, my whole body was aflame with desire as I felt the outline of his erection ag
ainst my ass.
“Rhys,” I said, this time my voice was almost a whisper.
He lowered me to the ground, spinning me around by my waist until I was facing him. My shoes slipped from my fingers as I wound my arms around his neck to steady myself, forgotten as they landed in the sand. His boots ended up the same way, his hands on my waist still, the pads of his thumbs moving up and down until they coaxed the hem of my shirt up for his hands to slip under.
It felt like the world fell away the longer I looked into his eyes, as dusk turned into night, and the stars began to pepper the sky. We were the only ones on that beach as his mouth slanted over mine, the only ones in the whole world as it spun on its axis, falling away from me as he kissed me.
And the world wasn’t the only thing falling—I felt myself falling too.
The thought startled me from the moment, making me pull away from him and jump back.
“Are you okay?” he asked as I stood there, my hand over my mouth, staring out into the ocean as the sky darkened.
I felt slightly better that he couldn’t see my face since there was very little light on the beach because I knew the look of horror would have upset him. But I wasn’t horrified by the kiss, or even that it happened. I was horrified that I finally let myself admit my feelings for Rhys. This was what I was trying to prevent. This was what I was worried about when I moved to the West Coast. How could I have let this happen?
“Natalie?” Rhys leaned towards me, his hand circling my forearm until I finally looked at him. “I’m sorry. I know you’re confused. But I’m not confused and I wanted you to know that. I’m tired of pretending that there’s nothing between us. I don’t want to pretend anymore. I want to be with you. Can you at least think about it?”
One Song: book two in the one series Page 23