by Tai Barnett
I lifted her up and rocked her gently. Swaying with her from side to side as I walked to the window. To my surprise, Lauren and Andrew were talking in the garden.
I could not hear what they were saying, but it sure hit another nerve of jealousy again, reminding me of the thought that he preferred to talk to her and not me. Still I looked on, not even bothering to open the window so I could hear any better.
“…I think about your cousin all the time Lauren. Every day and almost every other minute. I told you that but then, every time I consider being with her again…Brody’s face pops into my head and then the only thing I can imagine is them making love. I don’t even want to talk about it,” Andrew said.
“OK…I guess I see what you’re saying. But you have to talk to her before you leave OK?”
“I don’t see why I should, I have very little to say to her. It’s not like what you and I have. What you and I have now is what I had with her then, and I am not sure that it can ever go back there.” Andrew said.
Lauren looked at Andrew strangely because she was not sure that what he had just said was meant to be understood in the way that she perceived it.
And because he had just suddenly reminded her of the overwhelming feeling of ‘knowing’ that she felt when she looked into the mirror. Could it be that Andrew was her soul mate? Yet, she would not say it yet.
Lauren’s appearance changed to an awkward expression on her face.
“What is it?” Andrew asked.
“No, it’s nothing.” she said bashfully
“Oh, come on, Lauren, that look is definitely saying something. Come on, you know you can tell me anything!”
“I guess I am just a bit curious, what did you mean by that?”
“By what? What I just said? Which part?”
“You know…that it’s not like what you and I have…what you and I have now is what I had with her then?” Lauren said
“Oh, I didn’t even realize what I had said but…” he sighed.
“Thinking about it now, that is exactly what I mean. From the first time that we started really communicating with each other, I didn’t feel like jumping off of a cliff anymore. I found myself wanting to talk to you every day and wanting to spend as much time with you as possible, it’s strange…” he said while rubbing his head.
“What do you mean?”
“If things were different…the way I enjoy being around you…you are exactly the kind of woman that I would want to ask out on a date. You and your cousin are actually very much alike in so many ways. You are both kind and compassionate,” Andrew said.
Lauren’s eyes expanded, and she sighed. She laughed awkwardly and looked at him.
“Really? Well, I guess that’s nice to know. You are very pleasant and humble, so I would have felt honored,” Lauren said.
As I watched them talking from my window, I noticed a moment of silence between them. A moment when it even appeared that they were about to kiss. And yet, this must have been my jealousy and imagination running away with me.
Yet, it was not. Because the truth is, Lauren and Andrew at that instant had a moment of intimate connection. A connection that would have allowed for ordinary people to become lovers and proclaiming it with a long kiss goodnight. And for one second, one moment of cosmic and soul mate connection, they both considered that their feelings for each other were more than just friendship.
Their hearts had been bonded, yet neither their lips nor their bodies would meet each other half way. Perhaps, because of morality, because of choice.
And then, on that night, I knew that Andrew’s soul had been freed from mine and Lauren’s had been freed from holding on to her love, even in his death.
And that night a few hours later, when the cocks were almost crowing, and the darkness had turned to light, I said goodbye to my children; watching them from the other side and kissing them on their cheeks.
Goodbye
My father used to tell us when we were younger how you could always tell when the dead came to say its goodbyes. You would get a sudden sweet-smelling fragrant like a flower or a fruity perfumed aroma just suddenly sneaks into your nostrils.
Yet, all I can sense from my vantage point are the many broken hearts and the overflowing tide of denials and questions. Who would have known that one would still question all the decisions that you made in life, even after death?
Neither does regret slumber.
All you want to do is to take a look at their sweet, sweet faces for one last time, until you decide to truly walk over into the other side.
My first goodbyes were to my parents and my brothers. They greeted everyone, remaining in their elegance and pride about the life that I had lived.
Then I went on to Vernon. His mother had somehow made it to the funeral. It seemed that my sudden death had made him quickly want to reconcile with his own mother.
Michael’s spirits were high as he sang every word of every hymn and decided that he was going to celebrate the life that I had lived, instead of mourning my death.
But my Lauren had been crushed all over again. She was once again reminded about how fleeting life is and that thought also gave her an epiphany that she should, once and for all, start living again.
I visited Brody at his home in Scotland. When I glided into his room in the early hours of the morning, it seems, as though, that he had sensed me somehow because he suddenly got up in the middle of the bed whispering my name a few times. It seemed our connection in life was just as powerful in death.
Then, I walked into my bedroom on the morning of my funeral and looked at my babies laying there on our bed. My darling Andrew was in the middle and our Elizabeth on his stomach.
But my soul still ached because my darling Rose…my sweet, sweet little Rose was unable to deal with her mother not being there anymore. If I could rip time apart or I could have negotiated my death with those who were in charge, I would have done so at that very moment when I saw her and Charles bawling their little eyes out and hugging Andrew with their faces buried into the side of his vest.
And Andrew, my love…my soul mate, my best friend. He knew that I was watching them. He knew now even in his anger that I loved him to death. He knew that even in death that this is truly what I wanted and where I wanted to be…with them, with him and our children. Then I gave them all a kiss and whispered goodbye.
The Broken Canvas
My energy moved across space and time, traveling over rivers and mountains, over oceans and valleys. Then it was just in time to greet the warm Caribbean sun and brought me back to the place where my first thoughts of life and adventure had begun.
For it seemed that my spirit had found some solace underneath the pinewood and pimento trees in the front of my old house. Although now, they and I were one.
As I breathed in everything, I received a glimpse of hope into the life that I once had and a breath-taking view of the restored canvas that I had always wanted to finish. Only now, it was no longer shattered or unfinished.
For what I saw on that once broken canvas was Andrew and my three children standing beneath these same old pine trees, being guided by the shadowy angel that was me.
For the broken canvas finally had meaning and purpose. After all, it was me. But as it also had been evolving and restored…finally, so was I.
The End