“Thank you for staying with her,” Charlie says to Rose and then surprises both of us by hugging her tightly. “We’ll get out of here and we’ll get Dean back,” he promises her.
She smiles weakly at us as she pulls away. “I know we will.” She turns around and heads back towards her room.
“We should get you some food,” Charlie draws my attention back, moving his arm over my shoulders, pulling me even closer to him.
“I’m not really hungry.”
“Zoe, you need to eat.”
“Please, I can’t,” I beg him, my vision blurring as unshed tears well up inside them.
“Okay, you don’t have to eat. Is there anything you need?”
“You, just you.” I turn in his arms and wrap my arms around his middle, pulling myself flush against him. He is still warm from his shower as I listen as his heartbeats steadily under my ear.
“Works for me.” I feel him kiss the top of my head before walking us out of the hallway and back into our room, our arms not leaving each other once.
He walks us back to our bed and then lets go of me to pull the sheets back. I turn around and crawl in, feeling Charlie moving behind me as he wraps his arms around me again and I rest my head over his chest. My hair is also still damp, but he doesn’t complain.
“Will came by before to check on you. The kid seemed pretty rattled,” Charlie says carefully.
“I told you, that guy was scary.” A shiver rushes over my body again. Charlie feels it and tightens his arms around me.
“Are you sure you’re okay? I was so worried. The guys said you were being attacked and I couldn’t get to you fast enough,” Charlie admits, his own body tensing under me, recalling his fear.
“I’m fine,” I try to assure him, but even to my own ears I sound scared.
“No, you’re not; you were just brutally attacked.”
I try to think about how I’m feeling. I don’t want to shut Charlie out. He’s been the only one I’ve been able to be honest with since I was taken. He deserves to hear an answer, even if I’m not entirely sure how I feel.
“I don’t know how to take any of this in. Dana dying was hard enough for me to deal with. Everything else is just too much. Being on the run, Joel dying, killing those guards at The Core and being here under P.A.G.E.’s thumb. Everything is just a mess.”
“That’s understandable. Any of those things on their own would be hard to deal with, let alone all of them at the same time. No one expects you to be okay.”
“Well, I guess I’m not okay then,” I admit.
I feel Charlie tense under me again. “Are you okay with what happened yesterday?” He sounds worried.
“Yes.” I leave no doubt in my voice. “You’re the only thing in this situation that isn’t a mess. If I could take you and bring you back to before all this happened, then my life would be perfect.” Sometimes I think about how future Drew and the others went back in time to change the past. Could I do that? Would I just ensure the old past happened and we don’t fix anything? Is there a way to keep Dana alive? But even if that is possible, then what I have with Charlie most likely wouldn’t happen like this. We might be friends or even just acquaintances. Besides, we’ve already changed the future. We might have put that technology of time travel back years or decades. We definitely wouldn’t be given access to it.
“We can still get out of here; we can still go back to our lives,” he interrupts my thoughts, although I hear the doubt in his voice.
“I hope that’s true, they’re watching our every move; they’re prepared for us to try to escape again and we have this stupid tracking device in our arms. I know we have to do it. I even think we’ll be able to manage it, but at what cost? How can we possibly manage it and all get out safely?” I think back to my dream of Ethan and me. Is that what happens? Do I get left behind? Does Charlie make it out and I don’t? Is that what pushes Ethan and me together?
“I know it’s going to be harder, but we’re also smarter now. They’re training us. We can use what we learn against them.”
“I just… I hoped that bringing The Core down was all we needed to do. It doesn’t seem to have done anything,” I complain.
“They’re not going to show us their weaknesses. It has to have hurt them, but we just can’t see the extent yet. It would have put a hole in their plans, and it’ll help us get out of here.” Charlie sounds sure of himself. I wish I could believe it as much as he does.
“I hope you’re right because taking down The Core…” I trail off, remembering Blake shooting that guard in the head right in front of me. How many people did they say on the news had died? Twelve? Have there been more announced now? We should have had a better plan, one that didn’t harm them.
“Zoe?”
“We killed a lot of people doing that. We killed guards. We blew up a building with people still in it. I know they worked for P.A.G.E., but technically, all the people here do. Ethan does. So should we kill them, too? Consider them collateral damage? How many more deaths do we have to see and be responsible for?” A lump forms in my throat.
“You’re not responsible for those deaths. Stan and Martha are the ones behind this. It’s their fault those men and women were put in that position. It’s their fault we’re in this position. Don’t feel bad for fighting for your freedom.”
I try to take in Charlie’s words, my mind drifting to seeing future Drew at The Windmill. “What do you think we did that was so bad in our old future? Do you think it was anything as bad as what we’ve already done?”
Charlie doesn’t answer me straight away, thinking his answer over. “I don’t know. I think it must have been.”
“Since we’ve been on the run over twelve people are dead and we still have worse coming?” I feel despair take over me and tears soon follow.
“I don’t know what is going to happen, Zoe, but we will get through this together. We’ll bring them down and we’ll be free.”
I don’t answer him because I’m not sure I can believe we will be able to do that.
“Just try to get some sleep. This won’t seem so bad tomorrow,” he begs me and then, as if he can hear my dark thoughts beginning to take hold in my mind, he keeps going. “Try and focus on something happy. Don’t let this drown you in sadness.”
“I don’t know that I can.”
“Please, try… for me.”
I let my eyes close and remember all the death and blood around me. My eyes have seen so much, much more than my entire life added up before my birthday last year. Charlie is right. I feel a strong depression weighing down heavily on me. Maybe that is what P.A.G.E. wants us to be. They want us distracted and hurt. I change my train of thought, thinking about Charlie holding me in my arms.
“Last night is a pretty good memory for me. Our jogging together at the cabin is another. Our long talks every night. That water fight when we were doing the dishes, being in your arms like right now. Every time we’ve kissed.” I keep my eyes closed, trying to remember every one of those moments in great detail. I feel Charlie relax under me and I can imagine the smile on his lips.
“They’re all my favorite memories, too.”
“When we escape, where should we live?” I ask, curious if our made up world can be the same as my fake dreams.
“Wherever you want. I’ll even brave the snow for you.” He laughs.
“You won’t go back and work for your dad?”
“No, but I’ll need to spend some time with him. I want you to spend time with him, too.”
“Okay, and then you can meet my mom.”
“Any tips for me?”
“No, I think she’ll be pretty easy going. Any tips for your dad?”
“Just to ignore him, he can be pretty negative sometimes.”
“What do you mean?” I worry what type of father Charlie has grown up with.
“He just wants to protect me, so he thinks it’s better if I don’t get too invested. I have no idea how he’ll react to you, g
iven that I already care so deeply for you.”
Hearing him talk about caring for me reminds me of the first time he declared his love for me.
“Back in D.C., when we were waiting in the car for Rose and Dean to arrive, you told me in your sleep you loved me.”
“Did I?”
“Yeah, I think I’ll add that to my happy memories list, too.” I smile, letting the lightness of our new direction of conversation overtake my fear and stress.
“You haven’t had any more future dreams?”
My mind drifts to my fake dreams and my dream about Ethan straight away. I don’t want to tell him about either.
“No.”
“Then we’ll just stick to the future we know can happen. I’ll design our house to live in.”
“I think we might need money first before we can just build a house.” Inside, my heart has stopped, though. Living together? I guess technically we’re doing that now, but somehow what he’s talking about would feel different.
“Then I suppose you’ll have to get right on dreaming up those winning lottery numbers,” he jokes.
I roll my eyes and poke him softly in his side. “Sure thing.”
He scoots away from me quickly and I realize he’s worried I’m going to tickle him. I smile, thinking about the last time I tickled him. He fell off our bed. I reach out and under the cover of darkness I find his stomach and attack his side, sitting up as I do. He tries to grab my hands and I slip my leg over his middle, trapping him between my legs, giving me access to both sides. I smile at hearing him laugh. He wraps both his hands around my wrists and holds them up and away from him.
“That was most definitely an unprovoked attack,” he complains, breathing heavily from his laughter.
“At least this time you managed to stay on the bed.” I flex my hands, still trapped, but he doesn’t relent on his grip.
“Hm.” Charlie pulls his hands, and in turn my hands, up over his head and I’m pulled downwards until my face is only inches from his. As I feel his warm breath on my face, suddenly my heart is beating a hundred miles an hour.
I lower myself down until my front is resting entirely on him now and my lips are almost touching his. “Perhaps I can make it up to you?” I kiss him softly at first, but once he kisses me back I quickly lose control of myself. I push every emotion I have felt all day into this kiss.
Charlie lets go of my hands, running his fingers through my loose hair as he holds me in place. His lips and tongue match mine perfectly while he rolls us over so he is on top of me and then pulls away from me. When I use the opportunity to pull at his shirt, he lifts his arms to help me out and soon he is shirtless.
“Are you sure?” Charlie takes hold of my shirt, but doesn’t make a move to take it off.
“Yes.” If there is one thing that can take my mind off my worries and veer me off my course of sinking into depression, it is this. Being here with Charlie, being one with him, is what I want and need.
Charlie rips my shirt off quickly then rolls me back so I am over him again, and our lips hungrily take solace in each other.
***
“So tomorrow is the big day and I’ve got one last weakness to work on.” Ethan claps his hands eagerly together.
“Everyone’s leaving because it’s seven. We’re finished,” I complain.
“One last thing and then you can go.”
“What is it?”
“Since the Corby incident I’ve noticed something,”
“What?” I ask wearily. I don’t like to remember Corby. The thought of him scares me to death. Fortunately, he hasn’t been back to regular training, Hopefully Ethan is right and he might be out for weeks.
“Nico asked me never to leave you alone, make sure I keep my eye on you. He entrusted me with your protection. When we’ve finished training you’re either with him, Monty or Parker. You’re never alone.”
“Why can’t you call them by their names? Or at least call me Zoe?” I huff, noticing he never actually stopped calling me Holloway. As my only way of retaliation, I keep calling him Ethan, although I suspect he doesn’t really mind this as much as he tries to make me think he does.
“It’s their names; get over it.” He rolls his eyes at me, no doubt annoyed that I’m bringing it up again.
“Fine, where are you going with this then?” I tap my foot impatiently along the ground.
“Look, I know you’re not a pro or anything, but you’re definitely capable of looking after yourself. You aren’t weak.” Ethan watches me carefully.
“You’re complaining that my friends care about me?”
“It’s not that, though. You don’t do anything alone, and certainly nothing for yourself. What are you? Two-years-old?”
“Hey, I was attacked pretty badly by that monster, and it’s only been a couple days. They’re just worried,” I defend them and myself.
“I know, and I get that. I feel guilty that I wasn’t here for you, but Corby is a freak. No one can beat him when he’s angry. My point is that you are strong, Holloway. I’ve seen your determination and guts. If you keep letting everyone around you act like they need to protect you, then soon you’ll start to believe you do need it.”
“But I do need them, I’m not strong—”
Ethan cuts me off, stepping so close to me that I feel his breath on my face. I immediately want to step back from him, but I hold his gaze instead.
“You are strong, you are determined and you are brave. I can see all that, and I’ve only known you a few days. You have to see that, too.”
“I…” I shake my head, breaking his gaze to finally step back from him. I don’t see myself that way at all. After the mock mission tomorrow, Ethan will realize he’s wrong as well. I’m hopeless at this. “So you want me to talk to Charlie and ask him to back off?” Even as I say the words, I recognize panic rise inside me, but it settles when I know Charlie wouldn’t listen to that. He won’t ever leave me unprotected.
“No, I know Nico well enough to know that’ll never happen. I just wanted to point it out to you. You don’t need to be babysat. You can take care of yourself. Out on the field, you might not have anyone to rely on but yourself. You need to not be afraid of being on your own. It’s a bad habit to fall into and the longer you leave it, the harder it’ll be to break.” He gives me the same hard gaze, and I redden in shame under it. He’s right; I need to become more self-reliant. If this experience has shown me anything, it’s that people leave and die at the tip of a hat. My ineptness might be what gets someone killed.
“Okay.”
“Really? You mean you listened to me? You’re not going to argue with me?” Ethan teases.
“Shut up.” I roll my eyes at him, but I feel a smile pulling at my lips.
“So, Holloway, feel like packing up this room and going down to dinner on your own?”
“You want me to do all this on my own?” I point at the mess left around the room, my heartbeat racing as I glance at the still cracked mirror.
“Yes.”
“Charlie will be angry if I walk in on my own.” I hope that’ll change his mind.
“I’ll deal with Nico.”
“It’s only been a couple days…” I hold my hands behind my back so he can’t see the small shaking that has already started up.
“I know, but like I said, the longer you leave it, the harder it’ll be to break the habit.”
“But this room…”
“I have complete faith in you, Holloway, and if you decide you can’t do it, then just leave it and I’ll fix it up later.” He smiles reassuringly at me.
I try to think about what he is asking me to do. Is it really that scary? Corby is still in medical as far as I know and I don’t feel any impending doom right now. What are the chances really that something bad will happen to me again?
“Holloway?” Ethan is looking concerned now.
“Fine, I’ll clean it up, but don’t think I don’t know that your real reason is that you’re l
azy and this is a convenient way to get out of having to clean up,” I accuse half-heartedly.
“You caught me.” Ethan holds his hands up in surrender and smiles a heart stopping smile. He must have women falling all over the place for him when he gives them that smile.
I watch him grab his towel and throw it over his shoulder. Seeing him leave causes my panic to rise again and I involuntarily call out his name.
“Ethan…”
“Yeah?” He turns around. I lose my complaints as I take in his hopeful face. He wants me to do this; he really thinks I can.
“My name is Zoe,” I lamely say again.
“Right. Later, Zoe.” Ethan grins again and then he’s out the door.
I stare at the open doorway for long minutes, my feet glued to the ground. I feel phantom hands grabbing at my neck and my heartbeat races as I try to get my breathing under control. I close my eyes for a second before they fly open. I can’t have them closed in case they miss something, miss an attack. So I count to twenty in my head and force myself to take a step forward. Twenty more seconds and I take another step. Soon I make it to the first dropped towel. I bend down and pick it up.
A clap of thunder sounds outside and I jolt upwards, fearful someone has stormed inside. I’m still alone. Several more deep breaths and I see an image of Dana in my mind. I latch onto her and try to think of a memory I have of her. I remember the first day we met. Her hair was particularly wild that day. I recall the vibrant red curls that I used to feel jealous of. Her smile was so contagious that, when she smiled a shy hello to me, I couldn’t help smiling back to her. We started laughing all of a sudden and then she took my hand and we ran together to her room so she could show me all the books she had. Being only six they were all rather basic, but I was still impressed since I struggled to read at all, even though Frank had spent many nights reading me stories.
We spent the rest of the day coloring and talking about lions. Dana’s favorite movie at that time was The Lion King. Mom refused to let me see it, and I found it easy to figure out why when I did finally see it. Dad had only just left us after that movie came out and she was most likely worried it would bring something up for me. I enjoyed the movie on video with Dana and we watched it nearly every sleepover until I was ten.
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