Then Sue Ann was handing me a glass of ice tea. I glanced up to thank her, and noticed she was naked.
When some girls take off their clothes, they just take off their clothes. When Sue Ann takes off her clothes, she’s naked.
I forgot my problems for a second and smiled and reached out for her and she let out a giggle and ran off.
And I got an idea.
No, not the idea you think...
Chapter 33
I found Elam sitting on the cement steps behind the Grange Hall. He was stripped down to his tee-shirt, with a dirty white apron around his waist and a battle-worn chef’s hat on his head. He was smoking a cigarette and looked tired and, well, content. Lights were on in the kitchen behind him, where some guys were busily and somewhat noisily washing dishes.
“Long time no see,” Elam said. “Have a seat.”
“I see you’ve been keeping busy,” I said, joining him on the steps.
“Keeping busy? Ha! Worked my butt off is what I did. Kid, I ain’t worked so hard in years. Hell, I even made, what?” He stuck his hand in his pocket, took out some bills and some change. “Twenty-four dollars and forty cents.”
“No kidding? How’d you manage that?”
“I told ’em I was just passin’ through and had stopped to see what all the Founder’s Day fuss was about, and heard the announcement they needed a cook, and I was one and’d be glad to do it. But since I wasn’t a native citizen or anything, I felt I should get something for my trouble. They offered me two forty an hour and I grabbed it.”
“You think it was smart, taking money from these people?”
“Would’ve been stupid not to. Ha! Why would a stranger offer to help out, otherwise? Just for the hell of it? Not damn likely. World ain’t built that way, kid. But I got to admit I had a good time. That’s a nice big kitchen to work in. Us short order jockeys usually get stuck in some closet with a griddle in it, and it’s a kick workin’ a nice big kitchen. People were okay, too. Not a bunch of hicks like I pictured.”
“It’s a nice little town.”
“Yeah,” Elam agreed, nodding. “Yeah, it is, isn’t it?”
We sat there for a few moments, not saying anything, just enjoying the breeze that was skimming through the trees that stood in a row behind the Grange Hall, ruffling the leaves like a proud father playing with his kid’s hair. I felt relaxed, almost comfortable.
I had dreaded coming to see Elam, even though I did have a way figured out to get out of town. Elam still frightened me, and parts of what I had to say to him might not go over too well. But right now, sitting here on the steps with him, enjoying the breeze, I didn’t think it was going to be so bad.
Finally Elam finished his cigarette, arched it into the grass where it sizzled for what seemed like forever. The longer it sizzled, the less comfortable I felt.
“So,” Elam said. “Where you been all day? I expected a progress report, now and then, you know.”
“The Highway Patrol car is still parked in front of the Mustang,” I said, “up against the bumper. The concession wagons are pulled in right behind. We’re as trapped as we ever were.”
“I see. Well, this Founder’s Day isn’t going to last all night.”
“No. Just till around two o’clock this morning, is all.”
Elam sighed. “Those lousy Highway Patrol guys must be getting paid overtime and then some. What are they doing at a thing like this, anyway? Why aren’t they out patrolling the highway where they belong?”
“The County Sheriff’s people are here, too,” I said, “Haven’t you seen those guys in the brown shirts and tan pants?”
“The guys that look like Forest Rangers or senile Boy Scouts or something? Yeah, I seen ’em. I didn’t see any badges or guns on ’em, though.”
“They don’t have any. They’re just a civilian volunteer outfit that helps out the Sheriff’s department at functions like this. Sue Ann says the Highway Patrol isn’t usually present for Founder’s Day, but because this is the Centennial and the Governor came and the road’s blocked off and everything, those two guys got assigned here.”
“Who the hell is Sue Ann?”
“That’s a long story.”
“I been workin’ in the kitchen all day, and you been foolin’ with something called Sue Ann?”
“Well, if you want to make a long story short, yes.”
“And I was telling you what a good time I had.”
“You made twenty-four bucks, didn’t you?”
“Yeah, and forty cents. So. Did you have anything else to tell me? Or did you just come around to say we’re still stuck here?”
“I have something else to tell you.”
“What, already?”
“I got a way figured out for us to get out of town.”
“Good! Let’s hear it.”
“Okay,” I said, and I told him my idea.
He laughed. Not derisively, either.
“That’s beautiful kid,” he said, tears in his eyes from laughing so hard. “You really got a mind for this kind of work. You sure you don’t want a share of the loot? You deserve one, if anybody does.”
“I’m sure,” I said. “I’m, uh, sure of something else, too.”
“What’s that?” he asked, still laughing.
“You don’t get a share, either. Or Hopp. Or Wheat, for that matter.”
He stopped laughing.
“What?” he said. Clipped. Like a fast jab.
“I told you how we can get out of town. My idea is good. You agree with me. And I’m willing to go through with it. But the money is out. We have to leave it behind.”
Elam looked at me for a long time. He didn’t get mad. I thought he’d go absolutely off his nut, strangle me, jump up and down on me, everything. But I underestimated him. He was a professional. He knew I wouldn’t suggest that if there wasn’t a reason.
“Why?” he asked.
“Because otherwise Wheat and me won’t get you out of this mess.”
“Blackmail, huh?”
“There’s more to it than that,” I said, and told him. And, finally, reluctantly, he agreed.
“But don’t tell Hopp,” he said. “I’ll tell him the money’s already in the trunk, then break him the bad news later. He’s a good man, but when he gets upset, he can cause a scene.”
“Yeah,” I nodded. “I got a friend like that, too.”
Chapter 34
Elam and I went to see Hopp, in the bingo tent.
There were four big long tables put together to form a square, and inside the square were four smaller tables covered with prizes. These tables also formed a square, and inside was a man with a microphone and a wire basket that whirled around, out of which he drew the numbers. The prizes ran mostly to small kitchen appliances, like toasters and mixers, many of them tagged and sort of set aside, which I assumed meant they’d already been won and would be collected by their winners at the end of the evening. The man with the microphone was hoarse and beginning to weave; evidently he’d been at this since the beginning, which was something like twelve hours ago. There were about a hundred people at the tables, mostly women, housewives and older ladies both, even a few teenagers and some old men. And Hopp.
Hopp sat between an old lady and housewife, both of whom were giving him plenty of room.
Hopp was playing eight cards.
Seeing him huddled over his cards, sitting there at the table, spine arched defiantly, brow knitted with concentration, took me back to the jail and the metal picnic tables where we’d played pitch and Hopp had said, “Deal the cards.”
There was plenty of space for Elam and me to squeeze in on either side of him.
“Come on,” Elam said.
Hopp stared down at his cards.
“B ten,” said the man with the microphone.
“We’re going,” Elam said.
Hopp put a piece of corn on the upper left corner of the third card down from the right.
“We’re leaving, I
said,” Elam said.
“Getting out of town,” I said.
Hopp said, “Not yet.”
“N forty,” the man with the microphone said.
“Not yet?” Elam said.
“Not yet?” I said.
Hopp looked at his eight cards.
Elam looked at me.
I looked at Elam.
“B four,” the man with the microphone said.
Hopp put a piece of corn on the square below the one he’d filled a few moments before.
“One more letter,” Hopp said.
“I nineteen,” the man with the microphone said.
“One more letter?” Elam said.
“And then what?” I said.
Hopp pointed to three of his eight cards, each of which was one letter short of spelling out the word BINGO in pieces of corn placed on numbers beneath the letters above.
“G sixty,” the man with the microphone said.
“One more letter,” Hopp said, pointing at the table of gifts right in front of us, “and that blender is mine.”
I covered my eyes.
“The blender is yours,” Elam said.
“One more letter,” Hopp nodded.
The housewife next to me leaned over and said, bitterly, “He’s already got a waffle iron, a toaster, a steam and dry iron and a set of coasters, and is he satisfied? No, he’s got to have the blender, too.”
Hopp pointed a finger at the housewife. “I told you to shut-up a long time ago, lady.” He returned to his cards.
Elam was shaking his head.
I started playing an extra card that was in front of me.
Hopp said, “I haven’t seen my wife in a year.”
Elam said, “And you think a blender would make her happy.”
Hopp nodded.
“0 seventy,” the man with the microphone said.
Elam said, “She wouldn’t be satisfied with just a waffle iron.”
“No,” Hopp said.
“G forty-eight,” the man with the microphone said.
Elam said, “She wouldn’t be satisfied with just a toaster.”
“No,” Hopp said.
“B six,” the man with the microphone said.
Elam said, “She wouldn’t be satisfied with just a steam and dry iron.”
“No,” Hopp said.
“N forty-five,” the man with the microphone said.
Elam said, “She wouldn’t be satisfied with just a set of coasters.”
“No,” Hopp said.
“I sixteen,” the man with the microphone said.
Elam said, “She’s got to have the blender, too.”
“Right,” Hopp said.
“Bingo!” I said.
Chapter 35
Tall thick shrubbery lined the edge of the park, with the graveled surface of the oil company storage depot area on one side and the back of the bandshell on the other. There was a small open area between the shrubbery and the bandshell, and that’s where I met Sue Ann.
“I couldn’t find your friend anywhere,” she said.
I had sent her in search of Wheaty, while I went to round up Elam and Hopp, both of whom were now waiting by the stolen Mustang in front of the bank, waiting for me (and, hopefully, Wheat) to get us all out of here. I had watched from a distance as Elam and Hopp loaded Hopp’s bingo loot (waffle iron, toaster, steam and dry iron, set of coasters and, yes, the blender, which I donated to the cause) into the back seat. I was rather glad about Hopp winning all that junk, as it might soften the blow a little when he found out later that the money from the bank robbery was not in the trunk of the Mustang, as Elam had told him, but still safely in the bank, sitting in laundry bags next to the trussed-up bank teller and Sue Ann’s bank manager father.
Which leads us back into the bushes, or rather the open space between the bushes and the bandshell, where I was speaking to Sue Ann. Normally, it would’ve been pitch black in that open space, which was overhung by the shrubbery, but there was a full moon tonight and enough light was filtering down through the bushes for Sue Ann to see the incredulous look on my face when I heard her say she couldn’t find Wheaty anywhere.
“He’s around,” I said. “I don’t see how you could miss him.”
“That’s what I thought, so I asked some of my friends about him.”
“You what?”
“I asked some of my friends if they’d seen him.”
“Sue Ann, I asked you please not to do that. I said please just look for him yourself.”
“I know, but what could it hurt?”
I was tempted to tell her, but managed to resist. Instead I said, “What did your friends say?”
“They saw him. He was with Becky all day.”
“Who’s Becky?”
“Becky Wynning. She’s some distant relation of mine. I don’t really know her too well. But you probably saw her this morning.”
“Oh?”
“Sure. She’s the Founder’s Day Queen.”
“Brown hair? Brown eyes? Tall? Big, uh... ?”
“The biggest,” Sue Ann nodded. “Your friend and her were hanging all over each other, all day. But nobody’s seen ’em for the last hour or so.”
“Hmmm. Where does Becky Wynning live, Sue Ann? She and Wheat might’ve gone over to her house, to be alone or something. Is it close enough we could walk over and check?”
“Not really. She lives on a farm five or six miles outside of town.”
“Damn. Does she have a car of her own?”
“I don’t think so. I’m not really sure, though. Why, doesn’t your friend have a car?”
“He does, but it’s stuck in the middle of that street over there with a thousand other cars. Besides which, it’s a Volkswagen and I doubt both Wheat and the king-size Queen could fit inside at the same time.”
“Are you going to go looking for him, Fred?”
“I can’t. No time for it.”
“Why not?”
“Please, Sue Ann. I told you I couldn’t explain everything. You just have to trust me. Believe me, I wouldn’t risk something like this if there wasn’t a good reason.”
“Whatever the reason, it’s exciting! I hope you won’t mind me saying so, but I never met anybody with such... such... moxie!”
“Moxie?”
“It’s an old-time word. Daddy uses it sometimes.”
She would have to mention Daddy.
“Fred...”
“Yes?”
“Did you hear something?”
“When?”
“Now.”
“No.”
“I heard something.”
“What?”
“Fred, you’re shaking!”
“I’m running a quart low on moxie, Sue. Ann. What did you hear?”
“Sounded like somebody wrestling or something.”
“Could you be more exact?”
“Well, I think I could.”
“Be more exact.”
“It sounded like a zipper.”
“A zipper.”
“You know what a zipper is, Fred.”
“I know what a zipper is, and I also know you said you heard somebody wrestling, Sue Ann, and somebody wrestling doesn’t sound like a zipper.”
“The zipper was only part of it... wait... there, hear it?”
“No.”
“A rustling sound. Wait. Listen. See if you hear anything.”
I did, and I didn’t.
“I think it was just your imagination, Sue Ann. Frankly, I don’t see how you could hear a zipper with all that racket going on so close to us.”
Over by the bank, the rock band was playing something loud and fast, while people danced in the streets and Elam and Hopp leaned against the stolen Mustang.
“I have excellent hearing, Fred. There! Don’t you hear it?”
“More zippers?”
“More wrestling! Scuffling. Listen.”
“Hey. Hey, yeah. It’s coming from right over there.”
>
“We better check it out, don’t you think, Fred?”
“I’m not sure.”
“I think we should.”
She was right. If I was found here in the bushes with Sue Ann in a few minutes, when I was putting my idea into effect, I could really get caught with my pants down.
“Okay,” I said. “Careful. It’s coming from under the bandstand, isn’t it? Is that possible?”
“Yes. It’s hollow underneath. Shhh. They’ll hear us.”
Then I saw the feet.
Four of them, to be exact.
The four feet were naked. That is, had no shoes or socks on.
And I was suddenly embarrassed.
What else would the hollow area beneath a park bandshell be used for on a summer evening but making out? The sounds of kissing and cuddling and assorted affection prompted me to try and tug Sue Ann’s sleeve so we could retreat before my embarrassment was passed along to the happy couple under the bandshell, who as yet hadn’t noticed us creeping up on them.
Then I took a closer look at the four feet and recognized them. Two of them, anyway. The other two feet I could pretty well figure out. All four of the feet were large, though two of them were more feminine than the others. Large feet belonging to large people.
Wheaty and the Founder’s Day Queen.
“Wheat!” I whispered. “It’s me! Kitch!”
“Kitch!” Wheat said, sitting up, bumping his head on the roof (or rather, floor) of the bandshell.
“Wheat, get out of there. It’s important.”
“Well, gee, so is this, Kitch.”
The toes belonging to the Founder’s Day Queen had long since curled, and I now heard some terrified whispering from the Queen who had been quite understandably scared out of her socks (figuratively speaking) by the interruption.
First Wheat, then the Queen, peeked out. Neither Wheat or the Queen was undressed, just disheveled, unbuttoned, and, well, let’s just say there was nothing wrong with Sue Ann’s hearing. The Queen just sat there in her fetchingly disarrayed white dress (which was looking less and less virginal all the time) and tried to straighten her rhinestone tiara and blushed. Sue Ann apologized for our rude interruption, and said not to be embarrassed, because “Fred and I have been making out all afternoon ourselves.”
Shoot The Moon (and more) Page 12