by Noelle Adams
“But you can’t say it back.” I hear it now, as well as see it on his face. The almost exhausted resignation.
“Jeremy, don’t assume the worst.” I lift up so I can drape myself above him and reach his lips. “I can’t say it yet. Not and know it for sure. I haven’t felt this way for you for a long time. I haven’t had the same amount of time as you to figure it all out. It’s still new to me.”
“I know it is.” He strokes my hair gently. “I know it’s new for you. I never even once imagined you’d say it back to me.”
“Right now,” I add, correcting his statement with the addition. “Give me a little time. I love you so much, and I’ve never had such good sex in my life. You’re the most important person in the world to me, Jeremy. I think it might... I mean, I think I could...”
He licks his lips and nods against the pillow. “Okay. I believe you. I’m not going to assume the worst the way I usually do. But I hope you know you don’t have to say that to make me feel better. If there’s no hope, I’d rather know it now.”
“Jeremy, stop.” I kiss him firmly, right on the lips. “Stop it. There is hope. It’s Christmas after all.”
He gives a huff of laughter and wraps both arms around me. “So you keep reminding me.”
“I keep reminding you for a reason. Because Christmas is important to me. It’s about hope. About how everything that’s dark in the world isn’t strong enough to overcome the light. It’s like that star from the nativity stories. I know you weren’t loved when you were a kid. And it wasn’t right. It’s proof of everything that’s wrong in the world that you weren’t loved the way you should have been. But I love you. I’ve loved you for years, and I love you more right now than I ever did before. We can get better. We can do better. The darkness doesn’t get to win. So let me love you. Please let me love you the best I can for right now. And then... then we’ll see.”
I have no idea where the words are coming from. Only that they’re rising inside me, spilling out with my tears.
Jeremy’s face twists. His body freezes for a moment. I can see he’s holding back a swell of his own emotion. He nods. He opens his mouth but can’t get the words out. He nods again.
I press a kiss on the side of his mouth. Then on his jaw. Then on his neck. Then on his shoulder before I cuddle back up at his side.
It’s a few minutes before Jeremy says into the dark, “Thank you. For loving me.”
I kiss his chest again. “Thank you for loving me.”
Eight
THE NEXT FEW DAYS ARE good.
It feels like we reached an understanding on Saturday night, and I stop worrying so much about whether I’ll eventually feel the right way.
Jeremy and I are good for now. Really good. I have hope that it’s going to be okay.
The Wednesday before Christmas is always the staff Christmas party. All the students and most of the faculty have abandoned campus, so it’s only the full-time staff who are left. We never get much work accomplished on that day.
Jeremy and I come into work together since I spent the night at his place last night. We greet a few people who are coming in at the same time before we reach the landing of the stairs in the administration building, which is where we normally part ways. Jeremy will go down to his office in the basement, and I’ll walk up to the third floor.
“I’m going to stop by and give Cindy a quick report on the gift exchange before I go up,” I tell him.
“Okay.” He looks particularly adorable and huggable today in a dark green sweater I got him a couple of years ago. It’s as close to Christmas attire as he gets.
I glance around the hall to make sure no one is around, and then I stretch up to give him a quick kiss on the mouth.
He kisses me back with a smile on his lips, running his hand quickly down the length of my hair as we withdraw.
I’m blushing a little bit as I turn away from the stairs. To my surprise, Jeremy falls in step with me.
“What are you doing? I said I needed to stop by Cindy’s desk.”
“I know. I’ll walk with you.” Before I can do more than frown in confusion, he adds, “I’ve got nothing better to do. It’s a nonstarter of a day anyway with the Christmas party, so I might as well escort you to your office.” He gives me a teasing quirk of a smile. “Make sure you get there safely with all the elves and reindeer roaming around.”
I laugh and take his arm, leaning against him affectionately before I remember that we’re at work and cuddling Jeremy—my friend? boyfriend? partner? the love of my life?—isn’t exactly normal professional behavior.
I pull away from him slowly so the move doesn’t make a big deal out of it, and we’re side by side in an entirely appropriate manner as we reach the president’s suite.
I can tell from the doors that the president isn’t in yet today, and one of the vice-presidents is out too. But the three assistants are at their desks, and they greet Jeremy and me with friendly familiarity.
Kelly, Liam Cunningham’s assistant, calls out, “Oh, Jeremy, good. I need your help. My computer is acting up.”
I chuckle, pleased that the call for help isn’t for me for once. While Jeremy goes over to help Kelly, I move to Cindy’s desk and give her the final report on the Secret Santa gift exchange this year.
She jots down a few notes and thanks me for my help. I tell her it was my pleasure. The conversation takes less than five minutes, so Jeremy is still working on Kelly’s computer when I wander over to that side of the suite.
Liam Cunningham, the VP of finance for the college, is in his office. He’s one of the few members of the staff who refused to participate in the gift exchange. That doesn’t surprise me since he has a perpetually grumpy attitude, and he doesn’t do anything but work. He’s always in his office, unless he’s at a meeting. I see the light on in his office at eight or nine at night when I’m leaving campus after a student function. Once, I arrived on campus at just after six in the morning to set up for a breakfast, and he was already working in his office then.
Sometimes I wonder if he sleeps here. It’s entirely possible. He’s not married, and he intimidates almost everyone with his abrupt manner and constant glower.
Prompted by the curiosity I always feel about him, I wander backward a few steps as I wait until I can see into his office.
He’s there. Working on his computer. A slight scowl on his handsome face. Dark hair mussed. Dress shirt wrinkled with the sleeves rolled up halfway (already, at just after eight in the morning). Tie loosened slightly. I’d be worried that whatever he’s working on must be bad, but that scowl is his normal expression.
Evidently my staring is too obvious because he glances over toward the door and sees me standing here.
I have a quick, irrational flare of fear and self-consciousness, like he’s caught me doing something naughty.
“Need something?” he says in what can charitably be described as a growl.
“No. Thanks. Sorry. Just lurking.” I move quickly away from the doorway so I’m no longer in his sight.
Kelly glances over, evidently having heard the interaction. She snickers and gives me a sympathetic look.
“I feel like I just got in trouble,” I say in a stage whisper.
Jeremy laughs and rubs my back for just a minute while Kelly says, “Don’t worry about it. He’s not annoyed. It’s just his way.”
I glance down at her very pregnant belly. “When are you due?”
“At the end of February. I’m kind of worried about my maternity leave.” She nods toward Liam’s open office door. “Because of him. I mean, who on earth is going to be able to put up with him for that long? I keep telling him he’s going to have to be nice to whoever is filling in for me, but he doesn’t know how to be nice. I feel so sorry for the poor soul who’s stuck at my desk for six weeks.”
I’m feeling sorry for the person too. I can’t even imagine working for a man with such a gruff, abrupt manner. I really have no idea how Kelly does it.
Jeremy walks up to the third floor with me and comes into my office after I unlock the door.
“You were serious about killing time, weren’t you?” I take off my leather coat and hang it up on the hook.
“Yeah,” he says, wandering over to the window. “To tell you the truth, I don’t really feel like working today.”
When I’ve pulled off my gloves and smoothed down my hair, I walk over to him with a fond little smile. “You know what that means, don’t you?”
“What does it mean?” His eyes are soft and warm.
“It means you’re getting into the Christmas spirit at last.”
He leans down to kiss me and murmurs against my lips, “Don’t get your hopes too far up.”
“Too late. They’re already all the way up.” Responding to a moment’s impulse, I give him a quick squeeze before I push him toward the door. “Okay. We can’t hang around hugging and kissing all day. I do have to get a few things done this morning.”
“Then I guess I’ll see you at the party. Should I just meet you there?”
“Yeah, the ladies from my office usually all go together, and I always go with them. They’ll think it’s strange if I make a point of going with you. So I’ll see you there.”
He doesn’t look disappointed or surprised or anything but affectionate, so I figure my decision hasn’t hurt his feelings. He gives me another quick kiss before he leaves.
AS PREDICTED, IT’S a very difficult day to get any work done. I take care of a few mindless tasks but can’t focus on anything bigger, so I spend most of the morning sorting through my email. I usually keep my inbox clear, leaving only items that need action in it and deleting or filing everything else. But I’m such a committed filer that my email folders are a mess, filled with random emails going back as far as four years.
So I go through each folder, deleting everything unnecessary.
It isn’t fun, but at least it’s something useful I can do with the morning.
The Christmas party starts at one. It always lasts two or three hours, and most offices close for the rest of the afternoon so people can go home as soon as the party is over.
The four other women in my department start to get ready to leave at around twelve forty-five, so I run to the bathroom and then return to my office to brush my hair, freshen my makeup, and close down my computer for the day.
I’m about to grab my purse to join the others when I notice something on a shelf.
Next to the picture frame, the music box, and the necklace is a new wrapped gift. It definitely wasn’t there yesterday because I remember walking over to admire the presents before I left work.
But it’s there now. Somehow materializing. A small box wrapped in dark blue paper with lovely golden stars on it.
My hand is shaking slightly as I pick it up. It takes me a full minute before I find the courage to unwrap it.
Inside is a jeweler’s box.
I’m shaking even more as I lift the lid.
It’s a pair of earrings. The most beautiful earrings I’ve ever seen. Platinum stars twinkling with what have to be real diamonds.
I’m so shocked—so blown away—that I stare down at them for way too long, my eyes blurry and my whole body shuddering.
“We’re leaving, May,” someone calls out from the hall.
“I’ll meet y’all over there.” I try to sound natural, but my voice wobbles. “I’m running a bit late.”
To my relief, no one argues. I hear their voices fading away as they leave.
And I’m left on my own. With a pair of earrings that must have cost a fortune.
Stars on the dark background of velvet in the box.
And I know.
I know for sure.
There’s no way in hell George Franks gave me these earrings. Or any of the other gifts. I was a fool for even considering it for the slightest moment.
There’s only one person who knows me this well.
Only one person who loves me this much.
Just one person in the world who would do anything to make me happy.
Tears stream down my face as I stare at the earrings. And then the three other gifts on the shelf.
Jeremy gave all these gifts to me. He began before we started having sex. He never told me he was doing it. Never mentioned them in any way. He didn’t want the credit. He just wanted me to have them.
And it didn’t matter that he doesn’t care much for Christmas. It only mattered to him that I do.
As I process this truth, my mind and body are overwhelmed with the strongest feeling. It’s so deep and raw it’s almost an ache, but there’s nothing bad about it. It floods me. Crashes into me. Nearly knocks me off my feet.
I swear I feel music rising, swelling, pounding in my ears.
Jeremy loves me, and I love him.
And it’s as real and as deep and as romantic and as lasting as any love ever was.
I set the earrings on the shelf with the other presents since my hands are so damp I’m likely to drop them at any moment. I hug myself tightly, trying to contain everything I’m feeling.
But I can’t. I can’t contain it. I grab my coat and my keys, pulling my office door closed as I exit. I run downstairs to the basement. It’s just after one, and Jeremy usually arrives at parties late. It’s likely he’s still at his desk.
He’s not. The whole IT suite is locked up.
He’s already gone. Probably waiting at the party for me even though he’s always hated Christmas.
I’m still half crying as I hurry back up the stairs and then fly out the door to the building. The party is in the dining hall, three buildings away. I need to get to it. I need to get to Jeremy. I need to tell him how much I love him. Right now.
Despite the fact that I’m wearing ankle boots with heels, I’m moving at a dead run when I reach the dining hall. I burst through the exterior doors of the building and then the double doors that lead to the main room.
It’s crowded with people lining up for food and hanging around chatting and laughing.
I’m panting and sweating and red with effort as I scan the room desperately, finally finding Jeremy in one corner, standing slightly away from the crowd and chatting with a semiretired science professor.
I start running again when I spot him. People are staring at me, moving out of my way, but I barely notice them, and I certainly don’t care if they think I’ve lost my mind.
I need to get to Jeremy. And every second that I haven’t reached him is a second too long.
He sees me before I’m halfway to him. He turns around with a confused frown. I speed up because he’s so adorably bewildered, so I’m running at full speed again when I reach him.
I launch myself at him. Fortunately he’s prepared, so he braces himself for impact and catches me, wrapping his arms around me as I hug him.
People are watching us, laughing, wondering what the hell is going on. But I don’t care. I just don’t care. Because I’ve finally got my hands on Jeremy, and he’s holding me in a clutch so tight I can barely breathe.
“What on earth, baby?” he murmurs against my ear.
I turn my face out from his sweater and beam up at him. “I love you,” I gasp. “I love you in every way. I love you exactly like you love me.”
He freezes the way he always does when something hits him too hard. Then the blank composure of his face cracks. His mouth twists. “What?”
“I love you!” I drag his head down into a kiss.
People start clapping around us. I’m afraid I made an embarrassing scene of this whole situation—declaring my eternal love for my best friend at a staff Christmas party—but I can’t bring myself to care. I’m kissing him with everything I have.
It just takes a few seconds for Jeremy to respond. Then he holds on
to my head with one hand and my back with the other, and he kisses me in return.
When we finally stop kissing, he hugs me again. He doesn’t seem to mind the audience any more than I do because he’s not in a hurry to pull away. He asks against my ear, just a hint of dryness in his tone, “There’s sappy music playing in your mind right now, isn’t there?”
I try to giggle but it turns into messy crying. There’s no help for it. It’s just the way I am. “Yes. There is. And it’s sappy Christmas music.”
That earns me another kiss. “I should have known.”
ONE WEEK LATER, ON Christmas morning, I wake up in Jeremy’s bed. He rolled over onto my side sometime during the night, and he’s halfway on top of me at the moment. And what’s more, Leo must have gotten cold in the night because he’s moved over on me too. He’s stretched out to his full length on the other side of me, pressed up against my legs.
I’m trapped between them. Jeremy and Leo. And both of them are sound asleep.
I’m on my stomach, and for a moment I’m claustrophobic. Too hot. Too crowded. I can’t really breathe. I shift slightly, pushing at Leo with my leg and Jeremy with my arm.
Leo completely ignores me, pushing back against my nudging. The dog snuffles and snores a few times in sleepy indignation against my trying to reposition him from the good spot he’s found.
Jeremy, on the other hand, backs off a little, rolling off me so only his arm is draped around me. Even in his sleep, he wants me to be happy and comfortable.
It’s such a sweet thought that I get mildly weepy. Just enough to enjoy. Not enough to make me messy cry.
Now that I’m cozy rather than claustrophobic, I close my eyes and enjoy the rare feeling of sleeping in, of having no pressing reason to get up.
Two days ago, we drove up to Charlottesville so we could spend Christmas Eve with my family and see some of our old high school friends and the one foster family that Jeremy liked. Everyone was thrilled with our new couple status, and we had a big meal and gift giving with my family last night before we drove home.