by HELEN HARDT
I end the call, hoping the message comes across the way I mean it. I do need her, and I do want to work things out.
I also want to give her whatever time and distance she needs.
A few minutes later, though, my phone buzzes. A wide smile splits my face. “Tess?”
“Hi, Skye.” Her voice is…different. Tessa is usually so upbeat.
“I didn’t expect to hear from you quite so soon, but I’m so glad you called.”
A few seconds pass. Then, “I’m sorry.”
“No, Tessa. I’m sorry. I should have called you when Braden and I went to New York. Our shopping trip.”
“Yeah, you should have. But I should have told you it bugged me instead of brushing it off. That wasn’t fair.”
“I should have been there for you. With the whole Garrett situation. I’m sorry. More sorry.”
“We can both be sorry, Skye.”
“I suppose we can, but this is all my fault. I didn’t mean to forget about you, but I can see that I did. I promise it won’t happen again.”
“I don’t need any promises,” she says. “I just want my best friend back.”
“Deal,” I say. “You want to grab some breakfast? Then yoga?”
She chuckles. “I have this little thing called work.”
“Fuck. Of course. I’m not getting off to a great start.”
She pauses. Is she rethinking her position? I can’t blame her. Asking her to go to breakfast and yoga when she has to be at work in an hour was a foolish move. A self-absorbed move.
“It’s okay,” she says. “How about drinks tonight after work?”
“Absolutely. I have so much to tell you.”
“About Braden? Work?”
“All of the above, but mostly about some things I’m figuring out about myself. I’ve been talking to…a therapist.”
“You have? That’s terrific!”
I chuckle. “I didn’t know you’d be so excited about that news.”
“I’m not. I mean… I just think therapy is good. For everyone.”
For me. She means for me. I could argue with her, but what’s the point? She’s right. “How are things with you?”
“I’m okay. Garrett Ramirez is a jackass, but whatever.”
“What happened with you two?”
“You wouldn’t believe it if I told you.”
“Sure I would.”
A few seconds pass before she speaks. “I caught him with someone else.”
“Tess, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not like we were exclusive or anything, but I went over to his place one night to surprise him, and a woman in a towel answered the door.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah. What could I do? I’m sure I looked like a complete ass. So I told him it was her or me, and he chose her.”
Ouch. “You gave him an ultimatum.”
“I sure did. I’m not overly proud of it, but…”
“You have every right to want to be the only person in a guy’s bed, Tessa. You’re worth so much.”
“Thank you for saying that. You want to know the best part?”
“What?”
“Three days later, he calls me and says he made a terrible mistake. That he hooked up with Lolita—can you believe that’s actually her name?—on Tinder, and he was just angry at me for making him choose, so he chose her.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah. So he starts to tell me he’s falling in love with me, and… God, Skye, you have no idea how much I missed you while this was going on. I talked to Betsy and to Eva and even to a couple other girlfriends from work and yoga, but it wasn’t the same.”
“I know. Trust me. I know.”
“Anyway, I told him to fuck off.”
“Good for you.”
“Good for me. Right. Except Betsy and Peter are kind of an item now, and Pete and Garrett are best friends, so it’s been a little awkward.”
“No reason to be.”
“It is. I still have feelings for him.”
I’m not sure what to say. This isn’t like Tessa. She never worries about losing a guy because there’s always another waiting in line. “Can you forgive him?”
“In a way, I have nothing to forgive him for. We never talked about exclusivity. But he hooked up with someone he didn’t know, Skye. That bugs me.”
“You’ve done it before.”
“Not while I was seeing someone else.”
“True.”
“He’s called me a couple times since then. I’ve let them all go to voicemail.”
“Sounds like he’s serious about wanting you back. That’s a good thing, right?”
She sighs. “I guess.”
“Maybe he’s willing to be exclusive now.”
“Maybe. It’s tempting, but I can’t forget how I felt when I found him with another woman. It was humiliating.”
“I understand.” Well, not exactly, but sort of. I caught my mother with another man once.
“So. How are things with you?”
“Good.” Except Braden and I sort of broke up. As much as I want to spill everything—about Braden, about Susanne Cosmetics, about Addie and Apple—I don’t. I want Tessa to know I’m here for her. That I’ll no longer forget about her. Especially after my breakfast and yoga blunder in the middle of the week.
“I’m glad,” she says. “I’ve got to get dressed and get to work. See you tonight. I’ll text you with a place.”
“Sounds good.”
“Thanks, Skye. For calling again.”
“Absolutely. Best friends forever, right?”
“Right.”
I smile and end the call, and then I plug my phone into the charger, grab a cup of coffee, and head to the shower. Time to get my creative juices flowing for today’s Susie post.
Chapter Twenty-Six
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The photo is a selfie—right out of the shower and dressed in a pink tank top, my hair still wet. My lips are puckered as if I’m blowing a kiss to my audience. And yeah, my skin is actually glowing. I’m not wearing any other makeup. I’ve never used a tinted moisturizer before, but I will from now on. It leaves my face feeling hydrated and healthy, and the slight tint evens out my skin tone. These cosmetics may be inexpensive, but they are truly top notch.
It’s a great feeling to like the product I’m advertising.
I flash back to Addie’s posts for Bean There Done That. The woman despises the smell and taste of coffee, yet she takes oodles of dough from the company to advertise their drinks and she has no qualms about doing so.
If I get successful at this influencing thing, I’m only going to post about products or places I truly love. I’ll be the influencer with integrity.
I catch a quick yoga class and then grab some lunch at a drive-thru. By the time I’m home, it’s time for my call with Rosa. I punch in her number.
“Hi, Skye,” she says. “I trust you got home safely.”
“I did. In fact, I have some good news. My best friend and I are back on speaking terms.”
“That’s great! How about you and Braden?”
“He’s still in New York, but I spoke to him after I left your office yesterday, and I think I had kind of a breakthrough.”
“Kind of a breakthrough?”
I laugh a little. “Yeah. I told him I’d talked to a therapist and that I had some stuff to tell him when he got back. He said it didn’t matter when. Whenever I was ready.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, and that was the breakthrough. I’ve been pushing him about his past. About his relationship with Addison Ames, and about his mother. He’s close-lipped about both, though he has told me a little about his mom and his
childhood. Anyway, when he said he’d give me the time I need, I realized I have to do the same for him. I have to stop thinking about my own needs and start thinking about his.”
“Your needs are important, too,” Rosa says.
I sigh. “I get that. I do. And in my heart I know I’m not a selfish person. But this desire I have to take charge of everything makes me want to know everything. Knowledge is power, right?”
“True.”
“But he’s not ready to tell me about some parts of his past, and I have to accept that.”
She pauses for a second. “Are you willing to accept that he may never be ready?”
I draw in a breath. “I think I have to be, whether I want to or not.”
“Good for you,” she says. “I know it’s hard.”
“You have no idea how hard. Last night, I met Addison’s sister, and she was ready to tell me everything about Addie and Braden. I stopped her.”
“Really? That took some willpower.”
“You’re not kidding. I had all the answers right in my back pocket, and I told her not to tell me.”
“I’m proud of you, and I’d like you to look at your decision in a different way.”
“How?”
“It took a lot of control not to listen to what she had to say.”
Rosa isn’t wrong. “You’re telling me.”
“So there you are. Control. The only difference is you put someone else’s needs ahead of your own. By letting the information go, you were exercising the control you crave, just in a different way. And you did it because you care for another person more than you need the information.”
“I never thought about it that way.”
“You’re young, Skye. We both are.” She laughs. “I may understand psychology, but I still have a lot of growing up to do. The more I know, the more I realize what I don’t know.”
I laugh along with her. “If that isn’t the truth.”
“So tell me. Yesterday we left with the question of why submitting to Braden’s punishment pleases you. Or rather, what we’re calling punishment for lack of a better word, since to him, you don’t feel it’s punishment.”
“Right. His idea of punishment is to deny me an orgasm.”
“Yes. So the spanking, the flogging, the tying up… All those things. You gain a lot of pleasure from that.”
I swallow. “Yes. Especially the bondage.”
“Perhaps you’re just a natural submissive.”
“Maybe, though it goes against everything I know about myself.”
“Sometimes that’s the key,” Rosa says. “We think we know ourselves, but we don’t always. Sometimes our subconscious comes into play, as I think it may have with your repressed memory of your mother in bed with another man.”
“Braden says he doesn’t think I’m a true master of control.”
“Why does he think that?”
“He says I only control myself, and that a true master of control will desire to control others.”
“Do you feel you control others?”
“No. He’s right about that. I only control myself, and apparently I’m not even good at that anymore.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because I gave him my control in the bedroom.”
“And what was the result?”
I sigh. “The most amazing and passionate experiences of my life.”
“So you have no regrets.”
“Not a one.”
“Then we come back to the question. Why do you gain so much pleasure from what you see as punishment?”
I take a moment to think. “It probably stems from my insecurity. I feel like I’m only getting into influencing because of Braden.”
“Exactly. On a conscious level. How about on a subconscious level?”
I sigh again. “My parents’ separation. They fought about me a lot. Wow. They did. I haven’t thought about that in ages.”
“The repressed memory will start to bring back other memories. Memories that weren’t repressed but seemed insignificant until now. What did they fight over that was about you?”
I chuckle. “My stubbornness. I’m a lot like my father, and it was too much for Mom to handle, having two of us. I fought her on everything. The example she gave me is Frosted Flakes versus Cornflakes with sugar sprinkled on top. Regular Cornflakes were cheaper, and we didn’t have a lot of money back then, so that’s what she bought. But there were other things. I fought her on everything, from getting my homework done to cleaning my room to gathering eggs from the hens we used to keep. Which is really weird, because I loved those hens and I loved gathering eggs, so why did I fight her? Even now, it seems so inconsequential to me, but apparently to her it was a huge deal. Enough so that she didn’t want any more children. Or chickens, for that matter. We kept the hens until they died, but we never replaced them.”
“You may have been stubborn and obstinate, but what you’re describing is still in the range of normal for a child. It’s not like you did anything super horrible.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Have you considered that being a mother was difficult for her?”
“No.” I shake my head against the phone.
“I can’t speak from experience yet, but from everything I’ve studied, parenting is quite difficult for some people. That doesn’t mean they don’t love their children.”
“I’m starting to understand that. It seemed easier for my father.”
She pauses. “Your father worked all day.”
“Yes, he did.”
“He wasn’t home all day with his stubborn daughter. If, as you say, he’s as stubborn as you are, the two of you would have butted heads, but he would have won, because he’s the parent.”
Interesting, but I feel Rosa isn’t being fair to my mom. “My mother’s a strong woman.”
“I’m not saying she isn’t. I’m only remarking that parenting you was difficult for her. That’s not a slight to her or to you, and that’s what you need to understand.”
“My father said it was both of their faults. My mother wasn’t honest with him, and he wasn’t making sure her needs were met.”
“That’s usually the case. Relationships are almost never a one-way street.”
“They both say none of it was my fault, though.”
“It wasn’t. You were a child. You need to believe them.”
“I never thought it was my fault.”
“Not consciously. But your subconscious may have. And that may play a big part in why you crave what you perceive as punishment.”
I pause a few seconds.
“You there, Skye?”
“Yeah,” I say. “Still here. Just thinking.”
“About what?”
“That I need to stop thinking about the kink in the bedroom as punishment. But what if that’s the only reason I want it?”
“Does it matter?”
“Of course it does. If I stop thinking of it as punishment, maybe I won’t want it anymore. And if Braden does want it, where does that leave us?”
“All Braden needs to know is why you wanted the neck binding so much. Can you answer that question now?”
I sigh. “Yes. I believe I can. When I witnessed the scene—the woman bound around her neck and the man pulling on the makeshift collar and choking her slightly—I got turned on. But it was different than a usual turn on. It felt almost…”
“Almost what?”
“Almost…necessary. Necessary to who I am.”
“Except, knowing who you are—a smart and talented young woman who’s on her way to becoming a big success—that doesn’t make a lot of sense.”
“Right,” I agree. “It doesn’t.”
“So how was it necessary?”
“I wish I knew.”
“Let’s attack this from another angle,” she says. “Do you know why most people practice breath control in BDSM?”
“Not really.”
“Have you heard of erotic asphyxiation?”
“Yeah. It’s dangerous.”
“It is, which maybe is why it’s a hard limit for Braden. But the restriction of oxygen also intensifies the orgasmic experience.”
My eyebrows nearly fly off my head. “Yeah, I’ve heard that, but…”
“But that isn’t why it felt necessary to you.”
“No, not at all. I wanted it because… Because it seemed like what I deserved.”
“Skye,” Rosa says, “I think we’re on the right track.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Atonement.
That’s the word Rosa used at the end of our conversation, and suddenly I’m able to see things from another angle.
Although I know what atonement means, I look it up anyway.
Reparation for a wrong or injury.
If my desire to be punished was based on the fact that my success was due to my relationship with Braden and my previous tie to Addie, it’s not atonement at all.
But if it’s related to the fact that I feel responsible for my parents’ breakup all those years ago…
Then it’s definitely the right word.
And it clicks so much into place.
Rosa and I made arrangements to continue to see each other via Facetime once per week and tapering off as needed. She was ready to recommend a therapist in Boston, but I’m comfortable with her and prefer to continue as we are for now.
I feel so much better, and already, I’m willing to respect Braden’s hard limit. He doesn’t want to engage in breath control because it’s dangerous, and he doesn’t want to harm me.
That’s a good thing. A noble thing.
What’s more? I don’t need to atone for anything. Yes, it will take time to totally banish the idea that I was responsible for my parents’ separation, but I’m on the right track now, as Rosa said. And I deserve all the success I’m having with my influencing career. I take damned good photos and come up with clever ideas and copy. Hell, it’s the reason Addie hired me in the first place.