“I didn’t know how she was involved in all of this until I received that picture of her and me. Maybe I knew subconsciously.” I raise my arms. “I don’t know.”
She kisses my cheek. “You look beyond beat, Ally. We should go back to my place so that you can crash for a few hours.”
“You’re right. I can’t even think straight right now.”
“When did you sleep last?”
“I don’t know. What day is it?”
“Officially, it’s Saturday morning. Three o’clock.”
“Saturday?” All my days have blurred together without having a job to go to. “Let’s get out of here.”
“It ain’t light outside yet, but I can’t take much more of this place either. It’s like a steel coffin. Let’s bolt.” Veronica moves away from me and slides the bar back on the door.
I switch the lantern off and there’s a rap on the door. Three successive knocks. Veronica swears, and I tense up. I move toward the door, Esther in hand.
“Alice, it’s Bill. You in there?”
“Open the door, Vee. I’ve got a man to beat with my cane.”
“Not if I get my hands around his neck first.” Veronica rolls up the door.
“What the hell, Bill? You mental or something?”
“Sorry, Alice. I just saw George Hallard leaving the building and wanted to make sure you two were okay.”
“Aside from you scaring the crap out of us, we’re fine,” says Veronica.
“Good, good. You find his place the other day?”
“I did, but it wasn’t the man I was looking for. The George Hallard I met said he didn’t know anything about a storage unit.”
Bill’s keys jangle. He seems to play with them when he’s nervous. “Well that just about takes the cake. Who’s the man that comes in all the time claiming to be George Hallard then?”
“That’s a good question. Why was he here anyway? Didn’t he move out of here the day we spoke?”
“That was only the one storage unit. He has two others here.”
“And you didn’t think to tell me that the other day?”
“You were only asking about the one. Didn’t know you cared about the others.”
Veronica guffaws. “Is this guy for real? Are you really that dense, Bill?”
I reach out, find Veronica’s arm, and hold it. “It’s okay, Vee. Bill lost his mom and has had a rough time of it since. Go easy on him.”
“Hey, this is your circus. I’m just here for the spectacle.”
“Did you happen to catch what he was driving?” I ask.
“Oh, yeah. Wouldn’t ever forget a ride like that. 1968 British Triumph T120 Bonneville. Maroon and white tank with black trim. Chrome pipes. Black leather seat. Mmm, she was a beauty.”
“Did you get a look at the plates?”
“Plates? No, barely got a peak at the bike.”
“Damn.” It’s time to regroup and focus on what we do know. “Where are those additional units of his?”
“One’s right around the corner over here and the other is on the top floor. Refrigerated unit.”
“Refrigerated?” asks Veronica. “What would someone store in a unit like that?”
Bill whistles. “Everything you could think of and more. Food. Furniture. Paint supplies. Motorcycles. Some people use them for tire storage as well. Guess it saves them from dry rot during our hot summers.”
I let go of Veronica’s arm and step out of the unit. “Can we get into them?”
“You know the drill. Show me a warrant and I’d be happy to.”
“Fine.” I turn toward Veronica. “Let’s lock up and get back to your place. We’ve got a lot of things to figure out.”
CHAPTER NINETEEN
It’s Monday morning, and every step is a potential minefield at the Bergman house. Mother’s in a tizzy over a death at her church. Apparently, one of the parishioners dropped dead in the row in front of her right in the middle of Sunday morning mass. I told her that it was a perfect place to kick the bucket, but she didn’t find that funny. In fact she got downright nasty about it.
What I really think is bothering her has nothing to do with the death at church. I think she’s upset with me for not saying anything about being blind again. I’m not really sure how she could blame me though. Every time I try to talk to Mother about anything serious, she winds up bombarding me with talk of God. I don’t want to talk about God. Ever. Avoidance has been the key for me for the last week, but now there’s no getting around the fact that I can’t see at all.
“You win, Mother.” I step into the kitchen, slide one of the chairs out from under the kitchen table, and sit down.
“What game are we playing this time, Alice? The one where you keep lying to me or the one where you finally tell me the truth?”
I rap my knuckles on the table. I know it drives her crazy, but I can’t help it. I’m honestly not trying to upset her further. “I’m blind again. Just like before.”
“I know. You have been for the last several days.” She’s either peeling potatoes or carrots, but I can’t tell which by the sound. “What made you decide to tell me now?”
“Circumstances. I figured I couldn’t bang around here forever without you noticing. I also wasn’t ready to admit it to myself. I’m at a loss as to what’s going on with me and it scares me. I’ve gotten so used to seeing that I don’t know if I can handle being blind again.”
“You don’t need to be strong all the time. I’m here for you, Seth’s here for you, Veronica’s here for you, and so is God. We can be your strength if you’ll just let us in.”
I lean back in the chair and balance on its back legs. “How do you do it? How do you continue to have faith in your God when everything you know and everything you care about dies or crumbles around you? How do you not blame Him for it? If He truly is the God of the universe and controls everything, then isn’t He also to blame for everything? How is it possible for Him to be one and not the other? The Creator but not the Destroyer. How do you explain that?”
The peeler stops, the chair next to me slides out from under the table, and mother sits down next to me. I drop the front of my chair back to the floor. I don’t need her to touch me to feel her presence. I’ve felt it since the day I was born. It’s in this moment that I realize I need her more now than I ever knew. Her leg touches mine and I tremble.
Mother takes a deep breath and I can’t help but hold mine. “God is omniscient and omnipresent. He is the Alpha and the Omega. He knew the end before the beginning ever started and everything else in between. He is the Creator and the Destroyer, but not out of hate or spite but of love. He is just and righteous. Every decision we make forms our path, and the path to Him is narrow, so we might falter from time to time and find ourselves caught in the briar patch when what He wanted for us was to be basking in the light of His presence.
“When Adam and Eve ate of the forbidden fruit in the garden of Eden it set in motion a chain of events that still affect us. In that moment, sin entered the world and through it death, disease, and evil. God knew this would happen from the beginning and laid out plans to send His only begotten son, Jesus Christ, to this earth as a human to take away sin.
“Jesus lived a sinless life, preached the truth of His father God, and paid the ultimate sacrifice for it. Thank God that He did. He conquered death and opened a pathway to God. Not only did He create this pathway, but He made following it so simple. Believe in Jesus Christ as the Son of God and accept Him as your Savior. That’s all there is to it.”
I shift on my chair. This talk always makes me feel so uncomfortable. “If that’s all there is to it then why do you jump through so many hoops for your church? Why do you go to confession and confess your sins to a man? Can you not speak to God and Jesus directly? Is that not what your Bible teaches?”
Mother pats the top of my hand. “Don’t confuse what’s obligatory with what’s given freely. I don’t
do works to get into heaven but because I’m going to heaven. And the purpose of confession is to be held accountable for what we do, not because we can’t talk to God directly.”
The air seems to have thickened, each breath more difficult than the last. My palms are wet with sweat, and my left leg bounces without restraint underneath the table.
I can’t take any more God talk, so I move to change the subject. “I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree for now. What I’d really like is to try and figure out how I move forward. Where do I go from here? If my sight isn’t restored again then who am I? I’ll no longer be able to be a homicide detective. I don’t know how to be anything else. I have no other value.”
She puts her arm around me and pulls me close to her. “That’s nothing more than the devil talking, Alice. Every breath you breathe adds value to this world. You affect those around you in ways you’ll never see or understand, including me. You may choose to walk in darkness but you’re still the light of my life. You are my daughter and you’re the most precious thing I have on this earth.”
I lay my head on her bosom. Her heart beats slowly. Softly. It calms me. “Why do you think this is happening to me?”
She strokes my head and rubs my back like she used to do when I was little and scared. “It could be any number of things. I can tell just by yours and Seth’s demeanors that work has been really stressful as of late. I don’t know what case you’re working, but it seems to be pulling you down into the darkness with it. On top of that, you also lost a coworker. That’s difficult for anyone to handle.”
“That’s all true but I don’t think that’s the issue. I started losing my vision before any of that started.”
“Then perhaps it’s one of the treatments you underwent. Maybe one of them helped you and now its effects have worn off. Or maybe one of the various surgeries helped bring your vision back and now it has reverted somehow. Have you contacted any of the doctors who treated you?”
“I’m going to see Dr. Strong again.”
“The shrink? And what do you hope to gain by seeing him again?”
“If it really is stress related, I thought it might help. He helped me learn to cope with things in the past.”
“Well then I suggest you give him a call and set up an appointment. In the meantime, I suggest you pray about it. God is the king of miracles.”
“How about you pray about it and I’ll see Dr. Strong? Besides, I have an appointment with him today.”
“I started praying for you the moment I found out I was pregnant, and I’ve never stopped.”
I take a deep breath and exhale. “Thank you, Mother.”
* * * * *
I step through the double doors of the Westin Medical Group complex and it’s 2008 again. The bitter scent of coffee wafts in the air, but it doesn’t cover the acidic smells of ammonia and bleach. I sweep Esther back and forth as I ford the sea of porcelain tile. My heels click with each step like a prancing dog.
I reach the curved stairway without issue and grab onto the banister. Its smooth, wooden surface caresses my fingers like fine silk, but the euphoria is fleeting as my mind conjures images of Denise’s broken body lying on the floor. Her glassy eyes stare up at me as her bloody headdress spreads ever wider.
Her arm rises from the pool of blood and she points a crooked finger at me. Her lips move but she makes no sound. It doesn’t matter though because I know what she’s saying. She accuses me just like he does. “You did this to me, Alice. I’m dead because of you.”
I rush up the stairs, tripping over the treads several times. I crash to my knees just as I reach the top and topple over. It’s roughly the same spot where I hit my head ten years before. I rise, brush off my knees, and straighten my clothes. I pick Esther up off the floor and make my way to the first office on the right.
The door is open, so I knock on the wood-cased doorframe. “Dr. Strong?”
“Please come in Ms. Bergman and shut the door behind you.” His rich tenor voice eases my nerves.
I walk inside and shut the door behind me.
“Straight ahead seven paces and the couch will be on your left. Nothing lies between you and it.”
“Thank you.” I forge ahead, Esther whipping left and right.
Esther strikes the side of something solid and I assume it’s the front of the couch. Dr. Strong confirms it. “You’re there.”
I ease down onto the couch and slide back on it just a bit. “Thank you for seeing me on such short notice, Dr. Strong.”
“I’ll admit I was quite surprised when I received your message this morning. Normally you would’ve waited several weeks to get an appointment, but it seems that the fates favor you. My late cancellation Friday evening was from a patient who never misses their appointment.”
I lay Esther on the couch and clasp my hands in my lap. “Their loss is my benefit.”
“Let’s hope so. Shall we begin the session?”
My nerves have returned in full force, but there’s no going back now. “Ready when you are.”
Dr. Strong clears his throat. “Good. How about you tell me why you’re here today, Alice.”
Why am I here? To understand why I’ve gone blind again. “Do you mind if I give you a little back story first?”
“This is your session, Alice. Tell me whatever you feel is necessary so that we can get to the root of why you’re here today.”
“It’s been ten years since I last saw you.” The veins in my neck pulse with such violence I imagine my head jerking with each heartbeat. The silence in the room is deafening and it stretches beyond measure. I don’t think I can do this. I grab Esther.
“How about I put on some background music?” His chair squeaks when he rises from it. “Still a fan of Red?”
“Yes.” I clear my throat. “Thank you.”
The song Breathe Into Me begins playing and I sink into the couch. Nothing used to get me through my nightmares except music. I relinquish my death grip on Esther.
Dr. Strong returns to his chair. “Maybe we should start with why you canceled all of your appointments right after your accident.”
I couldn’t face coming here again after that day. Is that what he wants me to say? It is, but I can’t bring myself to admit it to him. If I did, I’d have to face the truth of it myself.
I continue, “July 17, 2008. Do you remember that day?”
His pen taps along with the music’s beat. “As though it were yesterday. Some things are unforgettable, especially the death of a young woman. How did that make you feel?”
“At the time? Indifferent to be honest. We went to school together, but I didn’t know her, and I was dealing with my own issues. You remember me suffering an injury to my head, right?”
“I do.”
“Well, over the next few days following that injury I gained my eyesight.”
“Wow! That’s remarkable.”
“It is, but I’m uncertain if it was the injury that brought my vision back or if it was the assortment of treatments and procedures that I underwent that finally started working.”
“But you’re blind again. What happened?”
The couch becomes concrete beneath me and I struggle to find comfort within its embrace. “Honestly, I have no idea. I started losing my vision two weeks ago, and now I’ve been fully blind again for the last several days.”
“I am so sorry, Alice. How does it make you feel? Being blind again.”
I grind my teeth together hoping to stave off the wave of emotions crashing down on me. “Terrified. Forsaken. Alone. A ghost amongst society. An outcast. I’m everything I never wanted to be again.”
“Have you been having suicidal thoughts?”
Tension stiffens my jaw and works its way to the back of my skull. “What? No. Never. I’m not that person.”
He scribbles down notes. “Okay, good. So what would you like to get out of this session?”
“I’ve bee
n under a lot of stress lately with work. There are things happening beyond my control.”
“Well, let’s start there. What do you do for work?”
“I’m a homicide detective.”
“A homicide detective? I never would’ve guessed that given your background. I can only imagine how stressful that kind of job must be seeing the worst in humanity day after day. Can you give me an example of something that’s happened beyond your control at work?”
I ease back on the couch and lean my head back. “Ten days ago I was put on administrative leave and it pisses me off.”
“Because of your blindness?”
“No, because I shot a perpetrator while on duty.”
“I see. Is there anything else going on with work?”
“The current case my partner and I are working is hitting very close to home. We’re hunting a man who kills blind girls.”
“And how does that make you feel, Alice?”
My hands ball into fists at my sides. “How the hell do you think it makes me feel? Those girls could’ve been me. In a way, they are me, and I’ve been helpless to save them.”
“And do you blame yourself for their deaths?”
“How can I not? The longer it takes for us to catch him the more victims we’ll discover.”
“I think I’m starting to form a picture here. What else has been happening, Alice?”
“The nightmares have returned, but this time they’re all about the killer and his victims.”
His pen scratches the paper with fury. “Are you not sleeping, like before?”
“That is one thing that differs from the past. I don’t seem to be having any issues sleeping. Just the occasional nightmare.”
“What about your family life and relationships? Has anything changed there since I saw you last?”
“I do have a boyfriend, and he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Believe it or not, my mother loves him too.”
“And what about your father? I don’t recall you ever talking about him. Is he not in the picture?”
Rage swells in my chest and I can’t contain it when I speak. “My father’s a worthless piece of crap who tried to get my mother to abort me. Thank God my mother said no and left him. What kind of father doesn’t want their child? Apparently, mine.”
The Braille Killer (An Alice Bergman Novel Book 1) Page 21