‘Wait!’ I hear Priya scurry after me. ‘Are you okay?’
She grabs my arm and I come to a halt by the bus stop. I feel my automatic smile limbering up, ready to spring on to my face, to tell her I’m fine, but as soon as I look into Priya’s eyes the smile is washed away. Priya’s grip on my arm loosens and she looks back at me, the icy wind whipping her ponytail.
‘Bea,’ she says, her voice stern, ‘what’s wrong?’
I look down at my feet, which become blurred as tears push their way into my eyes. I try to squash the emotion back down, like I always do, but this time it’s stronger. As I raise my stinging eyes to look at Priya, I lose the fight entirely.
‘They’re closing the home,’ I manage.
Priya takes my arm, but she doesn’t speak.
‘I’m about to lose everything again,’ I say, tears now spilling down my face. ‘I don’t want to lose them. I don’t want to go back to being on my own.’
The last words leave my mouth and I feel myself crumple. At this, Priya grabs my shoulders and pulls me into a hug. Her strong arms are wrapped around my body and she holds me tight, my weak body hanging limply in her arms.
‘You will never be on your own,’ she says fiercely, ‘never.’
*
Priya yanks the handbrake up with a lurch and shoots me a grin.
‘Whoops,’ she says, ‘don’t tell Emma.’
I smile back, dabbing my eyes with the corner of my sleeve.
Priya twists her body round to face Sunfields and narrows her eyes.
‘So this is the place?’ she says. ‘It must have been hell to get here by public transport. I would have driven you, you know?’ She shoots me a grin. ‘If you’d asked me.’
I laugh.
No she bloody wouldn’t. Emma only added Priya to her insurance so she could drive the car for ‘emergencies’. I dread to think what she’ll say when she finds out about this little road trip.
Priya looks back at me. ‘Are you going to be okay? If you call me later, I can pick you up. I don’t mind. Or I can come in?’
I take a deep breath and unclip my seat belt. ‘I’m fine,’ I say, ‘but thank you.’ I turn back to face her and wrap my arms around her neck. ‘Thank you so much.’
Priya squeezes me back. ‘Course,’ she mumbles through a faceful of hair.
I let her go and pick up my bag, before pushing open the car door and walking into Sunfields.
As I walk into the living room, my heart pounding in my chest, I spot Sylvia and Gus, sitting in their normal seats. Sylvia is reading a book with a different cover and I notice the newspaper is lying open on Gus’s lap. He looks up at the sound of my footsteps.
‘Hello, Bea,’ he says, ‘it’s a bit late for you to be here, isn’t it?’
Sylvia looks up from her book, a small frown playing across her face. I grab a chair and drop down into it, catching Nina’s eye. She is sitting across the room watching the television.
‘I know,’ I say, my heart beating in time with my breath, ‘I just needed to see you all.’
Nina makes her way over. ‘Has something happened?’
I look back at Nina, and then down at the newspaper.
‘Something was published today,’ I gabble, emotion clawing its way up my body, ‘but it’s not the story I wrote, you have to ignore it. I didn’t know she—’
I break off, the words tumbling out of my mouth.
Gus sighs.
‘Ah,’ he says, ‘you mean this one?’
He flicks the newspaper open and I see Faye’s story, printed in a small corner. To my alarm, I notice Nathan’s face printed on the page opposite.
‘Yeah,’ I say, my body sinking into the chair. ‘I didn’t write it. Ignore it. It isn’t true,’ I say again.
Sylvia leans over to look at the paper, and then looks back up at me.
‘We know you didn’t write it, dear,’ she says, ‘but it is true. This place closes next week.’
I stare at Sylvia, my heart racing as her words sink in.
I don’t want it to be true. I can’t let this place close. I look back at Nina, who has settled herself on a small stool, and to my alarm I feel tears prick in my eyes again.
‘But,’ I say, my voice thick with emotion, ‘where will you go?’
Gus puts his hands on the newspaper and looks at Sylvia, who has lifted her book up to hide her face.
‘Well,’ he says slowly, ‘I think I’m moving into a lovely new home in Surrey.’
My heart sinks.
Surrey? That’s miles away.
‘Sam doesn’t have the space, with his boys,’ Gus chuckles, ‘and I think Sylvie is off to somewhere nearby, aren’t you?’ He nudges her with his arm, but Sylvia doesn’t respond. ‘Was it Surbiton, Sylv?’
I feel my eyes well up again.
They’re being separated?
‘What about you, Nina?’ I ask, barely daring to say the question aloud.
I don’t want to know. I can’t bear the thought of Nina being sent hundreds of miles away from me.
Nina cocks her head, her plait swinging across her shoulder.
‘Oh,’ she says, ‘I’m not sure. Somewhere nice, I suppose.’
I look back at her, my mouth dry.
She doesn’t even know?
‘And I guess Jakub will be going back to Poland,’ Gus chips in.
I look back at Gus. I hadn’t even thought about what Jakub would do.
‘He always said that he wouldn’t want to live with anyone else,’ Gus continues, ‘although maybe he was just being nice.’
Gus smiles, and I feel a hot tear escape from my swollen eyes. Nina leans forward and places her hand on mine.
‘It’s okay,’ she says. ‘You’ve had a hard day, haven’t you? What with that news about our Nathan too?’
I nod, almost numb to the hot feeling that bites whenever someone reminds me of my lie.
‘Do you think you’ll go and see him?’ Nina asks. ‘I’m sure he’d like that.’
I brush the tears off my face and try to smile at Nina’s kind face. Nina’s dark eyes look back at me.
‘Maybe I’ll go with you.’
I stare at Nina. I can’t let her go. I need her.
‘Live with me.’
The words fly out of my mouth and I stare at Nina, my face hot.
‘I have the space,’ I say quickly, my heart pounding in my ears. ‘My housemate is moving out. There’s room for everyone.’ I turn to Sylvia and Gus, who are both blinking up at me from their chairs. ‘That way, we can stay together and—’
‘No.’
Nina’s cold voice cuts across me and I whip my head back round to look at her.
No?
‘It’s fine,’ I say, my smile fixing onto my face. ‘I want to, and I don’t live that far away. So it wouldn’t be that different for you and—’
‘No,’ Nina says again, ‘we are not going to live with you.’
I stare back at her, my chest tightening.
‘You are a young girl,’ Nina says, her voice stern. ‘You don’t want to look after three old people.’
‘Yes, I do!’ I cry, getting up and moving closer to Nina. ‘I really do, I—’
Nina lowers herself into a chair, her brow furrowed. ‘You have your whole life ahead of you, Bea.’
I drop into the seat next to her and lean forward.
Why is she fighting this?
‘But I love—’
‘What happens when we get sick?’
My mouth hangs open as Nina’s harsh voice strikes across me, her London accent thick. She catches my eye and her face softens.
‘We’re not your responsibility, Bea,’ she says, ‘we’re not yours to look after.’
I feel my heart thud, heavy in my chest, as I look around at Gus and Sylvia. Gus gives me a lopsided smile and shrugs, and Sylvia stares back at me, her face taut, as always.
‘But,’ I turn back to Nina, my throat burning, ‘where will you go?’
Nina meets my eyes and lifts her chin.
‘That’s not your problem,’ she says.
My eyes start to burn as I stare back at her, and she turns her face away from me.
She doesn’t know. She doesn’t know where she’ll go.
Why won’t she let me help her?
I open my mouth to speak when I hear the bell ding from the reception desk. Instinctively, I look down at my phone. It’s almost nine.
Who is that?
I clear my throat and get to my feet.
‘I’ll look,’ I say.
I haven’t seen Jakub since I arrived.
I walk into the corridor and spot a woman, a bit older than me. She has red hair that falls down to her shoulders and she is wearing a thick scarf. My eyes flit down and I notice that she’s holding a newspaper.
‘Hi,’ I say, ‘can I help you?’
The girl catches my eye and smiles back.
‘Hi,’ she says, holding up the newspaper, ‘I’m looking for Nina Piletto? I used to know her grandson. My name is B.’
My stomach drops like a stone as I look at the girl.
No.
There, standing right before me, is my lie. I feel as if she’s reached forward and wrapped her hands around my throat as anxiety storms through my body, ripping at my flesh and clawing at the backs of my eyes.
I step back, unable to speak as I feel my hand go instinctively towards the door that leads to the living room. I want to grab her, to tackle her to the floor or push her out of the front door. I want her to leave, I want her to disappear and never return.
‘Hi . . .’ Jakub walks into the reception, ‘Who are you here to see?’
My entire body feels paralysed as I hear the woman say the words again.
‘Nina Piletto.’
‘Ah,’ Jakub says, ‘she’s in here.’
I watch as the woman follows Jakub into the living room, taking my last ray of light with me, as I know I can never see Nina again.
And then I run.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
‘Hi, Mum,’ I hold the phone close to my ear as I walk into the office, ‘I’m sorry, I don’t know what you must think of me, but I need your help. I’ve messed up and I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t even know if I can. I didn’t mean to do any of it. I just . . .’ I lower my voice as I reach my desk, ‘I just don’t know what to do now. I just need to talk to you, Mum.’
My voice breaks on the last words as tears burn in my eyes.
‘I just need you to pick up.’
‘Bea?’
I quickly brush the tears away with the back of my hand as Angela makes her way towards my desk.
I haven’t allowed myself to properly think about everything that happened yesterday. If I think about it too much, I won’t be able to breathe.
‘Thank you for doing those press releases.’
I feel my face twitch.
Angela never thanks me.
‘I think we should schedule in another meeting with Duncan in a few weeks, to talk about your progress. I know he’s been really happy with the stories you’ve been following up, even if you did share one with Faye.’
I feel a stab of anger.
I didn’t share one with Faye. She stole one from me. Stole it, and changed it.
‘Right,’ I say, ‘sure.’
Angela nods and walks back to her desk. I get to my feet and walk towards the kitchen, my clean mug gripped tightly in my hand. As I walk in, I spot Faye. She’s hunched over her phone, which is shining brightly up at her. As she spots me, her body starts and a shadow flits across her face as if she’s seen a ghost. I stare at her, and for the first time I don’t feel my face pinging into a polite smile.
I just stare at her.
I slowly move towards the kettle and start to fill it up. Faye doesn’t move.
‘Hi Bea,’ she says. ‘How was your Christmas?’
I drop the kettle on to the stand and flick it on.
‘Did you have a nice one?’ Faye asks. ‘Were you with family?’
I feel an icy shard lodge in my chest. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Faye watching me. The kettle begins to rattle.
‘Listen,’ Faye says, ‘I know you’re probably annoyed about the story I wrote, but it was a great piece.’
I feel a flash of anger.
A great piece?
‘People love a sob story over Christmas,’ she gabbles, as she scrolls through her phone.
‘It wasn’t a sob story,’ I say tightly.
‘Things like that happen all the time!’ Faye says, her face colouring. ‘That’s what happens when you work as a reporter, you have to find the angle. I saw an opportunity.’
My hands grip the kitchen counter as my eyes throb. I see a flash of colour as Duncan hovers by the kitchen door, but I don’t care.
‘They’re human beings, Faye,’ I say evenly. ‘What you said about them exploited their vulnerability.’
‘I checked my facts,’ Faye snaps, ‘I spoke to the council.’
‘You didn’t speak to the people the story was about!’ I cry, my voice raised. ‘It wasn’t your story to tell! It had nothing to do with you, but it meant something to me—’
My voice cracks as I break off, my heart racing. Finally, Faye looks me in the eye. Her face is scarlet now and I notice tears welling up in her bright eyes.
‘What’s going on, girls?’ Duncan says, clapping his hands together as if to break the tension. ‘Have we run out of milk?’
I grab my tea and push my way past Duncan.
‘Bea?’ Duncan turns to me. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’
‘No,’ I say, dropping into my chair and shaking my mouse roughly. As I do, I spot an email address I don’t recognise at the top of my screen. I hear the muffled babble of Faye in the kitchen with Duncan, and I lean closer to my monitor as I click on the message.
Dear Ms Smyth,
I understand that you have been working with Sunfields Residential Home.
My name is Sandra and I work for the council. I would like to speak with you about the destinations of the current guests, as there may be some movement available.
I frown at the email.
Some movement? What does that—
‘Bea!’
I look up at Faye, who has raced to my desk. Her eyes are now streaming and she glares at me, her eyes wide with fear. One look at her causes my heart to plummet.
‘What?’ I say.
‘Quick!’ she cries.
Without thinking, I stand up and race towards the kitchen. Duncan is leaning his body against the kitchen surface, short puffs of breath wheezing out of him.
Faye grips my arm and I feel the cold dawning of recognition sweep over me.
‘Oh my God!’ Faye cries. ‘He’s having a fit!’
‘He’s not having a fit,’ I say calmly.
Faye stares at me. ‘What?’
I look back at Duncan and take a step towards him.
I know exactly what’s happening. I place my hand on Duncan’s arm.
‘He’s having a panic attack.’
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
I hand Joy a steaming mug. She holds it in her hands and I notice that they’re almost back to their normal size. I glance over at my house next door, sitting in darkness.
Priya is at work, and Emma will be out somewhere with Margot.
‘Thanks, love,’ she says.
Duncan’s panic attack lasted about ten minutes, but by the time he came round his face was ashen. He tried to spring back into his animated self and laugh the whole thing off, but I could tell he didn’t have the strength. Angela sent him home and for the first time since I met Duncan, he seemed relieved.
‘You haven’t had a letter in a while,’ Joy says, glancing over to the pile of post on her coffee table.
I hold my own mug up to my lips and take a sip.
‘I didn’t write back,’ I say.
Joy frowns at me. ‘I thought you liked him?’
I take another sip of my tea.
‘I don’t know if I ever did,’ I say quietly. ‘A part of me thinks I just liked having someone to talk to.’
Heat pricks up my face as I hear the words aloud.
I had someone to talk to next door all along, I just didn’t want it.
Joy tilts her head. ‘Yes,’ she says, ‘I can understand that.’
She takes a sip of her tea and looks around the living room. I stare down at my hands, feeling my face burn.
‘Have you been to see your mum recently?’
I feel a sharp pain in my chest as my eyes fly up to meet Joy’s.
Joy is the only person who asks about Mum. She lived next door to her for thirty years. When Mum died, she almost took me in as her own.
I shake my head, feeling guilt wash over me.
‘Why don’t we go together?’ Joy says, trying to hold my gaze. ‘We could take some nice flowers, and then go for tea at that little cafe next door?’
I feel a zap of warmth spread through me as a small smile pulls at my mouth. Joy’s smile softens as she places her mug on the coffee table.
‘You know,’ she says, ‘although you heal, you never forget what life was like with your loved ones.’ She raises her eyebrows at me. ‘And you’re not expected to.’
I stare back at her, my eyes glued to hers. Joy reaches forward and takes my hand.
‘But I know that she’d be very proud of you, and all that you are doing.’ She gives my hand a squeeze. ‘You’re just like her.’
I feel my chest ache. I never talk about Mum.
‘It just feels so unfair,’ I say in a small voice. ‘She was only fifty-three. That’s too young to die.’ I wince as I hear the last few words fall out of my mouth
Joy’s grip on my hand tightens. ‘I know,’ she says.
I wipe my eyes with my free hand and attempt to shoot Joy a smile.
‘I’d really like to go see her together,’ I say. ‘I think she’d like that.’
Joy lets go of my hand, a broad smile spreading across her face. ‘Yes,’ she says, ‘I think she would too.’
I take a sip of my tea and look around her living room. There are two plump sofas, upholstered in navy blue, and a large bookcase. My heart thuds as my eyes land on Wuthering Heights.
Sunfields closes in two days.
‘And what about the care home?’ Joy asks, as if she can read my thoughts. ‘I read the story about that in the paper. So sad.’
The Accidental Love Letter Page 24