I had to tell him, and I had to be okay with whatever happened after I did.
I picked up lunch from the favorite taco place on campus and made my way to Ethan’s, planting the seed and watering it with every step I took.
It was just a mistake. It’s fine. Shit happens. Don’t make a big deal out of it.
I wasn’t sure if I truly believed it or if I was just slowly putting up a wall, brick by brick, hoping it was strong enough to keep me from my true feelings. But I kept repeating those words, those sentiments, laying the bricks and topping it all off with barbed wire.
I was fine.
By the time I used my spare key and pushed through the door of their apartment, I almost believed that.
“I brought tacos!” I announced, kicking the door closed behind me and holding up the two bags. I felt him in the room as soon as I entered, but I didn’t dare chance a look in his direction. I found Ethan instead, and my heart warmed at the sight of his smile.
“You didn’t.”
I nodded, setting everything in my arms down on the counter and waving hello to Shayla who was sitting crosslegged on the floor next to a stack of posters. “I did.”
He was there, in the corner, right next to where Shayla was tapping on her laptop as she sorted through materials, but I still didn’t look at him.
Ethan picked himself up from the floor and rushed over, wrapping me in his arms and greeting me with a long, slow, heated kiss. “Marry me,” he murmured against my lips and I giggled, guilt surging as he kissed lips that were still swollen from Whiskey. I pushed him back playfully before digging through the bags.
“I’ll get this all set up. Whatcha working on?”
“Just going through inventory, figuring out next week’s plan so we can have some fun and not think about this election tonight at the party.”
“Amen!” Shayla yelled and I chuckled.
I smiled, but it was weak, my stomach like a hive of bees as I stepped in closer to Ethan. “Do you have a second to talk? I… I need to tell you something.”
His brows turned in, hands finding my arms in a comforting embrace. “Is everything okay, babe?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said with a swallow. “I just, there’s just something we need to talk about.”
“Okay,” he said, eyes flickering between mine before he turned to glance over his shoulder at Shayla. “Would it be okay if we talked later tonight? We’re really trying to get all this done before the party. I mean, that is if you’re sure you’re okay and it can wait?”
He was still staring at me from the corner of the room. I felt his eyes burning craters into my skin as Ethan waited for my response.
“Yeah, sure. Yeah it can wait.” I forced another smile. “Go get back to it. I’ll make everyone a plate and then come help.”
“Thank you,” he whispered, kissing my cheek once more before jogging back over to take a seat on the floor next to Shayla. They bent their heads together, pointing at something on her screen and talking numbers. It was then that I finally let my eyes drift to Jamie.
His face was stone, eyes intense as they bored into me from beneath his furrowed brows. I let my eyes fall to his mouth, lips set in a firm line, and then I swallowed and turned, reaching into the cabinet for plates.
What, he thought I was going to walk in here devastated? Crying and begging him to tell me why he never texted? Why he never called? He thought he had the upper hand, and maybe he did, but I was determined not to let that show.
It was just a mistake. It’s fine. Shit happens. Don’t make a big deal out of it.
I repeated the same thoughts, again and again, willing them to be true.
“What are you doing?”
I jumped a little at the boom of his voice, the plates rattling in my hands as I pulled them from the shelf.
“Making tacos. Want some?” I avoided his eyes, setting the plates on the counter before opening each styrofoam takeout box with the ingredients.
“Don’t play dumb, you’ve never been good at it.”
“Because you know me so well.”
“I do,” he said loudly, grabbing my wrist that had just been reaching for the taco shells. We both glanced up at Ethan and Shayla, but it was like we weren’t there at all. “I do fucking know you,” he said again, his voice lower. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“B,” he warned, and I tugged my wrist from his grip.
“Nothing. I’m fine.”
“You’re fine,” he deadpanned.
I sighed, piling the first shell with grilled chicken before dropping it to a plate and facing Jamie. I set my face first, hoping like hell he wouldn’t see the way he’d hurt me. “Yep. Are you going to help me with these or not? Because otherwise you’re kind of in the way right now.”
Jamie let out a sharp laugh. “That’s fine, I don’t mind being in the way. Seems to be my favorite place to be actually.”
I narrowed my eyes at his insinuation.
“What’s gotten into you? Did I do something?”
“Why would you think that?” I brushed it off, still aiming for calm, unaffected.
He scoffed, crossing his arms before stepping closer. “Oh, I don’t know, less than thirty hours ago you were forcing my hand between your thighs and now you won’t even look at me? Yeah, maybe that.”
“Shhh!” I scolded, my eyes flicking to Ethan, who was oblivious, before snapping back to Jamie. He was standing so close, his words like flames that licked at my stomach. “Stop. It was a mistake.”
His head snapped back like my words had struck him. “A mistake.”
“We were both vulnerable, it was a heavy moment. Shit happens.”
“Shit hap—” he didn’t even finish the sentence, just threw his hands up, raking them through his light brown strands before clasping them to rest on his head. He let them fall again, hands hitting his thighs. “What are you even saying right now? Do you hear yourself? Do you see yourself? You’re shaking, B.”
He went to reach for me and I backed away, my lower back hitting the counter. “I see just fine, thank you. Well enough to see that whatever happened the other night clearly didn’t stop you from shacking up with Tina yesterday.” I met his eyes then and watched the argument drain from them.
“What? Tina?”
“It’s fine, Jamie. I saw you two together, but it’s okay. What happened with us… it didn’t mean anything to me either,” I lied. “So we’re cool. Like I said, shit happens.” I kept plating the tacos, done with the conversation, done with him.
“Wow.” Jamie shook his head before sliding closer, invading my space. “I don’t know what you think you saw, but if this is really how you feel, I’m glad your twisted little mind made this shit up to make you feel better about it.”
With that, he pushed off the counter and walked away. I watched every move, every flex of every muscle in his back until he disappeared inside his room, slamming the door behind him.
“Jesus, what’s wrong with him?” Shayla asked.
Ethan looked at me, brows bent, asking me the same question. I just shrugged.
“Guess he doesn’t like tacos.”
Shayla laughed and Ethan offered her a forced smile, but his eyes found mine again and I felt the accusation in that gaze. I ignored it, finishing their tacos and hand delivering them along with two bottles of water. Then, I made my own plate, sat down next to them, and talked campaign plans.
It was almost five when I made my way back to my own dorm, mind heavy with Jamie’s words as I walked. I’d been so set on seeming indifferent to what had happened between us, but now I wasn’t sure that what I’d seen had really been what I thought. But if it wasn’t, then why didn’t he ever text me back? Why didn’t he call? Why didn’t he do something, anything to reassure me that what happened between us had been real?
I’d never been so fucked up mentally in my life. Nothing made sense, and for reasons I couldn’t explain, the first person I wanted to talk
to about it was my dad. I wanted a man’s opinion. But as I pulled out my phone and brought up his contact, I paused, heart breaking as I realized he wasn’t a man — not a real one. A real man wouldn’t do what he’d done to my mother. A real man would have owned up to his mistakes, would have asked for forgiveness, would have given the explanation he owed to his daughter.
I felt sick again as I tapped out of my dad’s contact, pulling up Ethan’s, instead. My fingers were typing out the text message excuse about how I didn’t feel well enough to go to the fire pit party when a familiar voice squealed my name. I glanced up, and then I almost dropped my phone. There were two large suitcases propped up next to my dorm room door and a long pair of tan legs I’d know anywhere stood right beside them.
“Surprise, bitch!”
Jenna.
Chapter 9
Jack Daniels
I’d never sipped whiskey from a flask so angrily.
Jenna was filling up her cup from the keg, going on about one of her professors whom she swore was hell bent on failing her, and I was trying to get my shit together. My best friend had flown across the country to surprise me and my brain decided to fill itself with Jamie, instead. It was annoying. I didn’t want to think about him, and every time I tried not to, it became more and more impossible to accomplish.
He’d yet to show to the party, and I had a feeling it was because he knew I was here. I’d had no choice but to come, especially after Jenna showed up, but I was still uneasy from what had happened earlier.
I didn’t know what possibility bothered me more — that he would go out somewhere else tonight or stay inside because of me, or that he would show up and I’d have to be around him and Jenna and Ethan all at once.
I took another shot.
“So yeah, I’m pretty sure he wants to bang, but he’s pissed that he wants to bang me so he’s making my life a living hell,” she finished, sucking the froth from her new beer.
“So basically you’re going to have sex with your teacher.”
She shrugged, steering us toward one of the fire pits. “Probably.”
We both laughed, and I tried for the fiftieth time to relax and have fun. Jenna was blown away by the fact that Alder was a wet campus and we could just have a kegger out by the fire pits on the edge of campus. We still had to register it as an event, and there were limitations, but it was pretty awesome. Still, I wasn’t in the mood for beer that night. I needed something stronger.
Hence, the flask.
I tipped it to my lips once more and sucked a breath through my teeth as the whiskey burned its way down. I hadn’t even sprung for a nice bottle, just opted for good ol’ Jack Daniels. One day I swore I’d have an entire cabinet dedicated to high-end whiskey, just so I’d always have some ready for an occasion such as this.
“You’ve been quiet,” Jenna observed. “Everything okay?”
I forced a smile. “Of course. My best friend is here!”
“But?”
Dropping the act, I dropped onto one of the benches by the far fire pit and Jenna took the seat next to me. It was one of the last chilly nights we’d have in San Diego and the fire was a welcome warmth. “I’m so sorry, Jenna. I really am excited you’re here. I’m just…” I debated telling her, spilling everything right then and there. The truth is I wanted to tell someone, but it wasn’t the right time. “Tired. I’ve been helping Ethan with all this campaign stuff and it’s just kind of exhausting.”
“Ah,” Jenna mused, her eyes scanning the gathering crowd until she spotted Ethan. He and Shayla were now camped out at the keg we’d just been at, filling cups and handing them out, clearly not taking the night off like they’d said they would. “Pretty impressive that he’s running for Vice President. He seems like a good guy.”
“He is,” I agreed, my voice like sandpaper rubbing together. Ethan was an incredible guy, and when he found out what I’d done, I’d lose him. My stomach rolled, and I clutched the flask tighter.
“Are you happy?” Jenna asked casually, tossing her long blonde hair over her shoulder as she sipped from her beer. The sun was just setting, the sky fading into a deep navy blue behind the fire. Her question should have been easy to answer, but I made a strange noise before smiling and shrugging. She cocked a brow. “What the hell does that mean?”
“I’m happy,” I said quickly. “I am. Like I said, he’s amazing.”
“You are the worst liar.”
I laughed. “I think it’s just the campaign stuff. I’ll be happy when it’s over.”
Jenna narrowed her eyes, but let me drop it. “Okay, fair enough. So,” she said with a pop, sitting up straighter. “I’m here for a week. What are we doing first?”
I perked up at that, excited for a week with her and plenty of distractions. “Well, we obviously have to hit the beach so you can see what the west coast has to offer. There are a few fun clubs downtown we can get into, and I have at least four places you have to eat at before you can leave the city — starting with The Taco Stand in La Jolla.”
Jenna squealed excitedly. “Can we go dancing somewhere?!”
“Duh!”
We laughed, and as the noise faded, I took in the moment to truly appreciate the fact that she was there. “I’m so glad you came, Jenna. Your timing actually couldn’t have been better.”
She nudged me. “Must be that best friend ESP stuff hard at work.”
“Must be.” I unscrewed the metal cap off my flask and tapped her red plastic cup with it. “Cheers, bitch.”
“Cheers.”
We tilted our drinks back, and Jenna opened her mouth to say something but was cut off.
“Well I’ll be damned.”
Jenna turned and I closed my eyes, pushing an exhale out through my nose as my stomach somersaulted.
“Jamie?!” She jumped up, throwing her arms around his neck as I held tight to my flask and lifted it to my mouth again. “What the hell? What are you doing here?”
He laughed, and I finally chanced a look at him. He had on the same hoodie from two nights ago and memories hit me like flashes of lightning, quick and beautiful, one right after another. His hair was disheveled, his eyes low, lazy smile in place. One glance, that’s all I needed for two things to sink in — one, he was drunk, and two, I was in trouble.
“What do you mean? I go to school here.”
Jenna’s mouth gaped open and she turned to me, brows pinched together in confusion. “What? Oh my God, B, how did you never tell me Jamie went to the same school as you?”
Jamie turned to me then, an easy, cocky smile playing at his lips. “She never told you, huh?”
My fingers nervously played with my curls and I shrugged, smile tight. “I figured you saw on social media or something.”
“Yeah right,” she giggled the words. “This asshole deleted me after he broke my heart.”
Oh God, she was flirting.
Jamie lifted one eyebrow, his smile growing as his eyes swept Jenna’s body. “I seem to remember being on the other side of that heartbreak.”
Now I was having a different kind of flashback, to that first day on the trail, the way they were looking at each other, studying each other, wondering where the other had been hiding. I tried to swallow, but came up empty. Shooting to my feet, I forced a smile and looped my arm through Jenna’s. “We should make the rounds, I want to introduce you to everyone.”
She was still looking up at Jamie, but she spoke to me. “Yeah, in a minute. I think Jamie needs a drink.”
I knew by the glazed look in his eyes that he had already had plenty, but his hands were currently empty. Our eyes connected, just for a second, and the anger I’d seen earlier had completely vanished. I tried to ask him something in that short moment I had his eyes on mine, but I wasn’t sure what. He dropped his gaze back to Jenna too quickly for me to figure it out.
“That I do. Escort me?” he asked, holding out his arm. Jenna dropped mine like a hot rock and took his offer.
“Of course.�
�� They started walking, and Jenna turned over her shoulder to mouth oh my God to me before waggling her eyebrows and smiling back up at Jamie. I just watched them leave, flopping down on the bench with a sigh.
Fuck.
I realized quickly what kind of night it would be, so I drained three long shots from my flask and gritted against the sting. I needed an escape, I needed a break from my thoughts.
I needed to get drunk.
For the first half hour after that, I watched them together, sipping from my flask every other minute. I watched as they filled their cups, as they talked and laughed, as Jenna took every chance she could to reach out and touch him. When they made their way over to a bench at the fire pit opposite me, I stood abruptly, pausing a moment as the whiskey hit me all at once. Shaking it off, I scanned the fires until I found Ethan, weaving my way through the crowd toward him.
I was not going to torture myself. Jamie was my friend, Jenna was my best friend. They’d been together once before, so what if they rekindled that flame for the next week that she was here? It would be just like high school.
Except back then, I hadn’t slept with Jamie. I hadn’t felt him burn himself into my skin, brand me, ruin me.
I huffed, shaking my head. It was one night, and it wasn’t a big deal. It clearly didn’t matter to Jamie and it shouldn’t matter to me. I had Ethan, and Jamie had every other blonde bunny on campus. Things were back to normal.
I repeated that as I drained the last of my flask.
“Hey, there you are,” Ethan said with a smile as I wrapped my arm around his shoulders and slid into his lap.
“Here I am.” I kissed him hard, fists gripping his shirt to pull him closer. I needed him, I needed to fill myself with his scent and erase Jamie’s.
“Whoa,” he said against my lips, but I just pressed my lips into him harder. “Hey, you okay?” He’d pulled back, scanning me, judging my intoxication level, no doubt.
“Peachy. Just kissing my boyfriend.” I smiled and he returned it, but hesitantly. “What are you guys talking about?”
Never Let Go: Top Shelf Romance Collection 6 Page 13