My breath turned to panting as panic rose in me. I turned my attention to my own condition and jolted on my hard metal bed as my mind processed my own bloody wrists and ankles.
"Grace." Kaitlin's voice whispered to me.
I turned back to her with horror plastered across my face. I couldn't hide my terror from her any longer.
"Kaitlin?"
She moved her hand and her fingers grabbed onto the edge of her gray hospital gown. She tugged on the rough fabric and then shot a sickening smirk at me.
"Grace. It's my frock. The one with the 'M' on it."
CHAPTER TWO
I stared in horror at Kaitlin's gray frock and then glanced at my own. Screams threatened to tear out of me and I stifled them with what was left of my inner strength.
It all had to still be a dream. A nightmare.
I remembered being taken by ambulance. With Braden by my side. But where was he now? Where was my mother? Where were Kaitlin's parents?
We were alone.
I prayed silently to be rescued from the insanity of my dream. To wake up and be normal again. But my grip on the details of what I hoped for started to fade. I struggled to keep Braden's face fresh in my mind, but he blurred and blended into a sea of faces that became strangers.
It began to feel like what I had been hoping for, the reality I craved, was the actual dream. This, here and now, was my new reality.
"Kaitlin. What happened?" I whispered. "How did we get here?"
Her eyes remained fixed on me, unblinking.
"We shouldn't have tried to escape again," she murmured. "It's impossible to escape this place."
Her words caused my focus to narrow into a fine point of clear sight and understanding washed over me.
We were patients here.
Trapped against our wills.
Prisoners within the Excited Ward of the Blackwood Insane Asylum.
"Do you remember everything?" I asked. "Do you remember the..." I thought hard to recall the details of my memory. "The..."
"I remember screaming," she said. "I remember running. And..." She strained to find words.
We had both lost hold of the events that landed us in this place. I glanced at the tray of needles and would do anything to ensure they didn't administer any more of whatever had been in them.
Obedience.
That was what they sought.
Compliance.
It was all they wanted in a place like this and so we would have to give it to them.
"We need to do whatever they say," I whispered. "If we fight, they'll give us more of that medicine."
She nodded with choppy motion.
"Don't even complain about the straps," I added. "We can take care of our wounds ourselves. We just need to get out of here before we die of hypothermia or starvation." I paused and listened beyond our door. "We just need to be patient. And wait."
Kaitlin rustled on her bed, shifting her hips to the side. I felt it too, the ache in my bones from the hard surface of the cold slabs we laid on.
She turned her head toward me again and in a low tone, barely audible, she asked, "Where's Emma?"
#
Kaitlin's words exploded my mind into shattered pieces that scattered out of my reach. Hearing Emma's name evoked a level of emotion I couldn't contain. Fear and desperation burst out of me in a flood of tears with loud gasps for life-saving air. The sound of my erratic breathing filled the room, escalating the tension to heights of sheer panic.
"Water therapy?" I squeaked.
I dared say the words for fear of making them true. Could they have sent Emma for more water therapy?
"I hope the hell not," Kaitlin answered. "She barely survived the last time they tried to drown her."
Jesus. Emma always got the worst of it. Nurse Totten hated her for some reason. Her spirit. Her intelligence. Her beauty. Those natural blessings all worked against her in this place.
"Nurse Totten." I spoke her name out loud with a shudder.
I was sure she was the one who shouted at us through the door. And she was the one who would have tortured Emma too. She had no soul. Her empty eyes held only vacant hate. Someone had hurt her at some point and she was determined to get vengeance on those weaker than her.
"You mean Nurse Rotten," Kaitlin murmured. "Her birthmark gets brighter any time she gets mad. Its shade is the perfect measure for how much trouble you're going to be in." Her weak smirk pulled up one side of her face. "So do we just wait for her to come back for us?"
I thought about our other options. We could find a way to unfasten the straps, push our beds to the small window, and break out of it somehow. But then what? I was still disoriented. Probably drugged. We could get lost and then caught. Our punishment would be even worse the next time, I was sure. Worse like Emma's.
"I think we just wait," I said. "It's the only way to get to Emma. If we run now, it would be like leaving her to the wolves."
"You're right." She dropped her head back onto the metal slab with a bang. "How did we even get caught? I can't remember any of what happened."
No matter how hard I searched my memory, I couldn't find the pieces of what happened either. Whatever drug they gave us, it had caused full-blown amnesia. It was like we had brain damage or something.
"I'm not even sure what happened before all of this,” I groaned. “Like, how did we get sent to a madhouse in the first place?" My entire existence was a blur and I stared at the needles and vials on the tray, as if they were to blame. "But at least I still feel smart. Like I know I can out-think Totten. I know we can figure a way out of here. We just need to be clever and keep our whits about us."
The calculating clarity in my brain gave me the confidence that we wouldn't rot in here. I believed deep within my soul we had what it took to get out. We just needed the chance.
"How do we outsmart them when they're the ones with the keys and the power?"
"We'll trick them," I stated. "We need to act scared. And submissive. Like their punishment worked and we're ready to be compliant. That's all they want. They just want us to be mindless zombies."
Kaitlin drew in a deep breath. "Okay. But how the hell will we convince Emma to do it too? She's way too headstrong and outspoken."
"I know," I chuckled.
Just thinking of Emma's antics made me laugh. She never put up with anyone's bull and was ready at all times for whatever confrontation was ahead of her. It was her downfall though, in a place like this. She was truly doomed from the moment she set foot here.
"Wait," Kaitlin shushed me. "I hear someone coming."
#
My heart jumped into my throat as I listened with every fiber of my being. Kaitlin was right. Someone was moving around outside of our door, maybe more than one person.
I gathered my composure, preparing for whoever might walk through our door, and no matter how hard I tried, I still nearly lost continence from the terror.
I turned to Kaitlin and whispered without barely making a sound. She stared at my mouth, reading my lips while straining to hear me.
"We need to be compliant. Be agreeable to whatever they ask us to do. No matter how embarrassing or shameful it may be."
She nodded her head.
I continued, "They will violate us. They'll treat us like animals. But we have to be grateful for their kindness. Do you understand?"
Kaitlin gulped as if trying to swallow a basketball. Then nodded her head again.
Before I could say anything else, the door smashed open with a crash.
Nurse Totten stormed in first, followed by a smaller-framed nursemaid who peered at us from behind her. Light poured into the room from the hall and I squinted my eyes against its assault.
"What a shame. Light too bright?" Nurse Totten chided me.
My first instinct was to sneer at her and roll my eyes, but instead, I averted my gaze to avoid confrontation and kept a solemn expression on my face.
She turned to the nursemaid behind her. "Unfasten the r
estraints. They'll need to relieve themselves." Her callous voice cut into my flesh like the crack of a whip.
The meek nursemaid came to my bed first and fumbled with the straps. Her eyes met mine as she loosened them from my bloody wrists and a flash of pity escaped her gaze before she could shield it.
I allowed my freed wrists to remain at my sides even though the urge to rub them and move my arms was at the point of unbearable.
She removed all of the other restraints that held my body to the metal slab and I nearly lept out of my skin as the joy of freedom coursed through me. Instead though, I remained still and barely moved a muscle.
The nursemaid shifted to Kaitlin next and I kept watch of Nurse Totten from the corner of my eye. She stared at me, assessing my condition and hesitated like she wasn’t sure what to do next.
"Up for yer piss," she barked as she kicked a metal pan across the floor toward my bed.
I sat up and quickly hopped off the metal table while keeping my eyes off the purple mark that throbbed on her head. My knees wobbled beneath me and I held the edge of the bed for stability. Shivers quaked through my entire body as I positioned myself over the pan.
My shy-pee was going to be put the test under these circumstances and I grimaced as my bladder muscles tightened like a vice. Squatting, I hovered over the pan while holding the fabric of my frock up around me. Under Nurse Totten's stern glare, I was certain I wouldn't produce a drop but fortunately, my attention shifted to Kaitlin. The horrified expression painted across her face sent a jolt of laughter through me.
Her eyes nearly fell out of her head at the sight of me hovering over the pan and then, in my efforts to stifle my laughter, my pee released. I hid my reddening face in my chest in hopes they would think I was crying instead of laughing. And all I could think about was how I was going to kill Kaitlin for hitting my funny bone at the worst possible time, yet again.
As soon as I was able, I lifted my face and finished up. I dreaded Kaitlin having to go through the same humiliating process as Nurse Totten kicked a pan toward her next.
"I'm sure you'll enjoy your breakfast," she said as she gestured for the nursemaid to bring in the tray.
Now was my chance to take attention off Kaitlin so she could do her business with a little privacy.
"Yes. Thank you," I said in a low tone with my eyes locked to the floor. "Where should I bring this?" I asked, reaching for my filled bedpan.
Nurse Totten stood taller with her shoulders squared. "Bring it to Agnes. She'll show you what to do with it." She glanced at my bloodied hands and feet, then looked away in disgust.
I lifted my pan carefully, taking small steps with it, not only to avoid sloshing, but to allow time for Kaitlin to finish up and follow me. Agnes had us spill the contents into a large vessel on her cart and then we went back into our room without any argument or hesitation.
I climbed back onto my bed and signaled for Kaitlin to do the same. With a few adjustments, I prepared myself to be restrained again.
"Eat yer breakfast first," Nurse Totten barked.
"Thank you," I said and reached for the tin bowl of curdled porridge.
Kaitlin followed my lead and we ate the cold, clumpy mush like it was a stack of hot, syrupy pancakes. In a few gulps, we were scraping the bottoms clean.
"Thank you," Kaitlin murmured.
"Speak up, Missy." Nurse Totten grumbled. "No mumbling."
"Thank you," Kaitlin said with more power. "Thank you for the nice breakfast."
Her eyes dropped and the last syllable nearly choked her, but I was proud of her. She was doing great.
We both adjusted ourselves back on our beds, waiting to be restrained again.
Nurse Totten paced, as if deciding what to do. Then, after what felt like an eternity, she stepped out the door and called out.
"They're ready to come up," she shouted.
CHAPTER THREE
Keeping silent, I stared at Kaitlin in exhilaration. We were being released from The Hole. There was no telling how long we'd been in there but the weakness in my legs proved it was at least several days, if not more.
"Don't speak of it with the other girls,” Totten growled. “Not a mention or you'll find yourselves back in here for a longer stint. Agnes will see that you get cleaned up before you re-enter the ward." She clomped her way along the damp hall, adjusting her small white cap, as she led us to a set of dark, stone stairs.
At the top of the stairs was a sealed wooden door. We were in the basement of our ward--'The Hole', as it was so appropriately named. No one could hear us down here. We were simply forgotten.
Nurse Totten pushed on the door at the top of the steps and loosened its seal, then turned back to us. "Have no mind of trying to run away again. We won't stand having you giving the other girls notions of what might exist out of these walls. It only causes anxiety and upset to their structured time here." She pushed on the door one final time and it groaned open. "Consequences for disturbing the order of the asylum can be severe."
Agnes followed us, carrying the tray from breakfast. She avoided eye contact at all cost and it exposed her vulnerability. It was clear she was new here, a nurse-in-training maybe, and her heart hadn't turned to stone yet. At least there were still a few humans left in this place.
Nurse Totten ushered us along a back hallway on the first floor and led us into a small room with Agnes. A barrel sat in the middle of the room, filled with water.
"Get them cleaned up and then back into their hall," Nurse Totten ordered Agnes. "No delay." Then she turned and rattled her hard heels down the corridor.
Kaitlin and I moved to the barrel in an instant, dying to wash the dried blood and filth from our bodies and our hair. We whipped off our frocks and I lifted my toe in first. My foot retracted as if being electrocuted, as the water was freezing.
My eyes darted to Kaitlin's and she pressed her lips together in resignation. I stepped into the freezing water and she followed. Ladles and old bars of soap sat on a bench next to the barrel and we wasted no time pouring gray water over ourselves. Our bodies shuddered from the cold but we moved quickly, finding joy in the simplicity of getting clean.
Agnes handed us ripped towels that felt like they must have once been sheets and we did our best to dry off with them. I bent over and wrapped the fabric around my hair and then flipped it back like a turban. Agnes stared at me like she'd never seen such a thing before and I nearly laughed at her confused expression.
Kaitlin watched Agnes’ reaction and let out a small snort from holding back her own laughter and I nearly lost it. My shoulders shook and I used all my mental power to think of something else, something sad, so I wouldn't burst out laughing.
It was crazy. Even in a place like this, Kaitlin and I were connected so deeply that we could still find humor under such oppressive conditions.
"Okay, come on." Agnes urged us. "Up to your rooms."
We followed her through the white-washed halls and up a flight of stairs. She pushed through a heavy metal door and walked with us down a long corridor.
"You're to be separated now," she said. "Each with a different room. Nurse Totten's orders."
My eyes darted to Kaitlin's. We couldn't be separated. We needed as much time together as possible to conspire our escape. But challenging Nurse Totten's orders was the last thing we could do at this point.
"You're here." Agnes pointed me to my room. "And you're there." She aimed her hand to the room across the hall for Kaitlin. "Now, do as you're told and there shouldn't be any trouble."
Her words were a warning to us and I tucked it away in my brain. I stepped back from my door as Agnes began closing it. Kaitlin stepped deeper into her room too, trying to hide the look of fear in her eyes. I nodded to her, as if to say, "It will be okay. We are safe here."
But I knew better. We were far from safe.
As my door closed, I stepped closer to its cross-shaped window and peered out across to Kaitlin. Her face filled her window as well. I glanced u
p at the marker over her door and studied it. Its familiarity poked at me, as if trying to remind me of something important. It held the numbers '235' and I wondered what their significance could be.
Then, as I dropped my eyes back to Kaitlin's, motion in the window of the door next to hers caught my attention. A face pressed against the window and stared across at me. She moved up and down as if bouncing from excitement. Then her voice burst through to us and filled the hallway. My heart skipped a beat and I jumped with happiness but at the same time I lifted my finger to my mouth to shush her.
But she still yelled for us.
"Finally! Jesus Christ!" she blasted. "What the hell did they do to you? You look like shit!"
Her voice echoed through the hall and I prayed Nurse Totten wasn't in earshot.
Kaitlin stared across at me in disbelief, waiting for a confirmation and without hesitation, I gave it to her.
I mouthed her name to Kaitlin.
"It's Emma!"
To read more, click here to purchase:
The Excited Ward
Interested in more by Jennifer rose McMahon? Here’s a sample from Book One of her pirate queen series, bohermore.
BOHERMORE (Sample)
Book One, Pirate Queen Series
Chapter One
The Hunt
Clawing up the steep hill, slipping on loose gravel, I cursed the new rip in my favorite jeans as I vanished into the town cemetery. Every inch of the place was familiar, from the oldest tombstone to the freshest newcomer. It used to be a playground to me for as long as I could remember; hide and seek grew into manhunt, sniffing fresh-laid flowers in the sun turned into stargazing in the black night sky. But it was different now.
My feet dragged through the old section of the graveyard, passing the centuries-old stones of early Massachusetts settlers. The thin slate hand-carved headstones, some cracked or fallen, leaned toward me, straining to be noticed.
The Shuttered Ward Page 20